woke off and on all night. And finally this morning at 3a and could not go back to sleep. Very dark Out There. Could not see. Constant rain. I tried several ways to wait until light....i tried to read, i tried to draw, i tried to clean up the sewing table, i did dishes i'd left last night. i thought about cleaning house but dogs always go Out when i use the vacuum and they couldn't. All i could really do is Listen for Them. Also knowing that whatever i might hear, there was Nothing to be done about it.
so i sat down and just thought about these kinds of moments that feel like the brink of the end of the world. And how i actually know that it is not possible, that whatever might occur will just be whatever it is and there will be Just Going from there. But the discomfort of it is Wasted Energy and i would really like to go beyond it. To really just skip the end of the world part as soon as i feel it rising up, to just be able to let it go immediately and move to the sense of Just Going.
So i ended up making this
an End of the World Pocket.
the denim actually is stitched to be a pocket. Whatever it is, today formless anxiety about the wellbeing of the Goats, mostly the bucks, needs to be written on a piece of paper, placed in the pocket. and walked away from. Tomorrow is supposed to be the BIG Storm Day but then by Saturday it will have moved on. And i think on SUNday i would take out that piece of paper and look at what i wrote. And i think put it back. Let this be a permanent place for this kind of Useless Worry. See how often something occurs that would be "pocket material". And it would be important to always put the date.
I don't know. But it's what i did today beside washing out feed bowls and rearranging hay bales that Tay had arranged in her own way to create a space out of the rain while still outside.
And once i got it all stitched, i didn't need to use it. Just the making of it was Enough. So one more hard hard day and then we begin the just going. And the priority will be to mend and extend the buck hut. It's all i can really do. Except to really realize that things are not "normal" anymore. to not assume that things will be as expected. I had thought i had time, like through October to shore up the buck hut for winter. But No. And too, this might not happen next year either, but what i need to understand is that it Might and to not put things off. To really prioritize. And the Goats are number ONE.
This was yesterday morning in the Way Back. Their stump is getting very beauty full when wet now.
This morning. I moved all the feed bowls into the Middle Pen which is soggy, but no standing water. There were a few hours of this afternoon when the Beloved SUN shown and now there is a great dullness at the Rim. More. So, ok. and Hey Ho.