They returned Thursday night, Fate had been in the car seat from California. He drummed for Us.
Tay thought he was the most wonder Full thing imaginable.
we spent the day Together, but in a way, each in our own thoughts. Alyssia carries the diagnosis of Lupus. Sometimes it's hard for her. But she just Goes. Jeff, Fate and Destiny were off to Michigan for a wedding in that part of the family. Alyssia and Julian dropped off first at the train station in Albuquerque, back to California, stopping a while in Fresno.....the Going. the multiple Goings.
and very suddenly, they were gone.
there was silence. Only Wind.
i woke in the night. went out. sat.
today i am at a loss. Unable to get back to Before Them. Where am I now?, After Them???? The weeks became a forever, an All There Is. and it was Outside, everything was Out Side.
i feel mute. Sometimes Blank. the constant motion has become completely Still.
Tay lays by the gate, just in case. Just in case they come back.
my World here remains. and is Even More, from this time. But they are in my head. My children.
this is the FIRST time since July 3 that it has been
in the late day, evening.
there was a separation. You go here. You go there. and what was chaos became in some moments, quiet. Julian fell instantly asleep. Destiny thrashed but then amazingly was asleep. Somewhere before dusk. They sleep still. Earlier, for whatever reason, i said to them, I have a name. It's grace. Call me that. grace. I am worn out of Old Nana. Call me grace.
the plumbing of the shower broken. The oscillating fan broken. The cooler sort of broken...the float....and i bought one today and tried to replace the new but couldn't remove the old and ended up once again calling Travis who came, how great he doesn't have a regular job in the moment, he came and muscled the old one out, all the sediment cementing the parts and as i watched i forgave self for not being successful at doing it, there was no way
and today, after the day of the snake which i'm pretty sure was a Coachwhip...you can google....today, from the coral berry bush, across, a juvenile Skink, which you can also google...black body, cobalt blue tail...and again i am stunned by the gift of it, by how they seem to be coming, all of them, so many praying mantis, the finches less than a foot overhead, this skink, the snake
the Flag to their Third Room. They wanted me to take a picture.
Earlier, when Destiny was in time out and Julian was doing something, Tay and i were just Out. My Brain saw something it wasn't able to identify as part of everything here...by the gate....and Tay and i approached to within less than a foot and it was a snake. A snake. A snake that had Come IN, was still. Tay and i moved closer, inches, and it was still. I extended my hand and it was still Still for a mil lisecond until it turned and went back out through the fence.
i am beyond on my knees for this, that a snake would come, would come mid day, would sense safety, would sense asylum from Heat. It was maybe 3 ft. a young one. I am hoping beyond hope that it returns tonight. I have filled "bowls" with water...for it's tongue.