Old Cowboy had an event....panic attack and an episode of Air Hunger. so
Of course it might change, but in this moment of time, he is not at all Present. His mind is completely preoccupied with the ranch in Colorado, events of years gone by. ReRuns. He is not oriented to Person or Place. at all. Ok.
When my present responsibilities are complete, or
When this particular Karmic Obligation has been met, when it has Ripened, When the fruit of it falls from the Vine, back into the Vastness,
I would like to draw Lizards. I would like to draw and draw and draw lizards until the point when i touch the pencil/pen to the paper/cloth a Lizard FLOWS . Without thought, without design, just FLOWS.
And not just "lizards", but the Whiptail Lizards that live here. Whiptails. Whiptails.
I was on my way Out this morning and an oh so small, just New One scattered from my foot step and i stopped and she stopped and how they DO, she looked up...Eye Contact.....
but i had to go.
So when this responsibility has been fulfilled, I would like to NOT need to Go. But be able to squat, to share that moment of connection fully...and wait for her to break it....
these words from Dana have stayed since i read them in her August 15th post at ravenandsparrow.typepad.com.
last night when i was wanting to find The scrap that would be the One for that last rock, knowing it was somewhere in one of the baskets, not knowing what it might be, but knowing i would Know when i saw it, ..... light dwindled, dusk came early and then there was not enough light to continue looking. One more time i ran my fingers through one of the baskets and
there it was. No question. and not a rock at all.
I got up a few times during the night to look at it sitting on the Cloth....having the feeling i had dreamed it.
I woke early, impatient for DayBreak, to see it in the light of day....which seemed to take forever on an overcast morning.
yes. And stitching it there, i was really in awe of how perfect a scrap it was, one that i have had maybe 30 years, and just now, finding its Place. Its perfect Place. Its Moment.
not a rock at all, but a thing of Magic. and Dana's words and some thinking i have been doing in the last days fell together and into the stitching. I asked myself some days ago to "draw a picture" of what i wanted my days to be like when this present responsibility is over. By draw a picture, i mean to myself, to envision, to visualize, and i was surprised at how difficult is was/is to even focus on this. How totally my mind has become immersed in the just doing of it all. How absorbed i'd become. And then the Mantis. and then Dana's words. and now this scrap that represents to me the Magic that is There, if we choose to see it, like how the Mantis is there and too, if Magic and the Mantis choose to be seen.
So i am thinking that though Dana was referring to Beauty, i am thinking Magic and Beauty are the Same and so it could be said....magic arises, animates, and recedes.... and maybe even, Love. Magic~Beauty~Love, these three.
3 hours now. and it's not over. Lightning gone, but the remains, residual, rain still.
not possible to FEED. It's almost dark.
just before it began, i finished the grasses on the right and knew that there was one more rock.
in the compromised LIGHT, i looked through the baskets for That Rock and here....what arose, not a rock at all, but such an odd scrap, a scrap of Magic and in the light of this evening, who knows. I will see, See, in the morning....maybe. Maybe i Want/Need some kind of crazy magic here?????
am watching a tomato being consumed by fruit flies
so the Old Cowboy's people have come and gone. Colorado, Kansas and Huston, each an overnight and one day visit. But it's happened this last week. and it's over. He will sleep for a day or so.
i'll wait till tomorrow. Use the Inktense for Her, then see about more rocks, stones. Maybe some stones. One more blade of grass to the left.
and i Did remember about making rocks and stones. Don't THINK. set the cloth loosly in general place and then just go. Thinking makes rocks just static shapes. Just going allows them some sense of what they really are. Equal and participating Entities.
Off to the OutSide for the rest of this day. Hopefully, HOME again tomorrow. We'll see.
been trying for a few days to get this pic of this Bee Like Being. What IS it? Not sure. Not a honey bee. ?????? But LOOK at the pollen............
LOOK. from Lacelady of Washington state. She met equally with Squirrels for these and Sent.
part of the HouseKeeping was clearing the table. Which only took a small while, in reality, but has loomed large for many many days now
Walnuts now are SunSteeping for all the side B's of the coming year. I have INTENTION....yes, not just random, but Intention. Some in the cast iron. Some in the copper. Some in the ummm, well this last pot. In this moment can't think of it's name...the......o, eee, can't think but it doesn't matter, they are in there and they are SunSteeping. This time is different. Purposefull. Yes. and the feeling is very very good.
So...a day Here. Here. Home. and it lasted a whole day. It was elegant and fine. It began with that bee being on the Sun Flower when i went out to first feed this morning and it went on through the raking and cleaning of the area in the Albatross where the grass hay is stacked and then the stacking of the grass hay. The flattening and stacking of the feed bags from pellets that had been just thrown aside for a couple weeks and putting them in place along the far North Wall. The loading of the scrap feed into the Other wheelbarrow. Moving the truck, Tay getting IN for that and feeling fancy even though it was only just some feet, but she did. She "worked" along side me through everything, carrying her favored piece of wood
and we cleaned and ordered the Dye Table and noticed how the Janet Chairs are kind of like Praying Mantis
and a storm was coming so i vacuumed allthelayerofdogandcathair that was weighing us down and now we are LIGHT and vibrating High and Just So Fine
and just now we gave Water to Everything
and maybe that's a kind of leisure?
it Felt that way?...a just Going from thing to thing with NO RUSH, a doing of things that WANT to be done in slow and fine way? Maybe that for me, is Leisure?
not large, like from the store, but...succulent. crunchy. the taste and fragrance sharp and edgy. Oh, i sing in celebration of this Bell Pepper and all the blossoms that may continue to Become.
and i found what it is for me, leisure, or close to it, as close to it as i have during these times....
i turned around, so early, from this computer screen, to see
the Magic Diaries Cloth had been folded on the futon couch in a different way and there she was
and i realized that it's the just looking that for me is the closest to that definition of leisure. At least in my Now.
Back to Old Cowboy's.
Home and more kantha
and the bottom Flare, which was expected, but not quite this much, but i kind of Like it, but
decided to make the correction which in this case will be just ok because there needs to be rocks and stones and they will absorb the excess. But if i were ever to do something like this again, i will Remember and find a way to work it in more as i go. But i LIKE this a LOT. It's Right for what wants saying.
and it worked for Mantis herself. "In person" she is even so much finer, amidst the Kantha. Yes. It works. It's how it is.
Tomorrow, HOPE, will the the second day i will be able to stay Home in two weeks. If it happens, i will finish the kantha and Maybe begin the Inktense on Mantis. or maybe wait and work on rocks and stones first? But a day HOME, oh, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
and i wouldn't keep ragging away at this if i thought i was the Only One. I think the question belongs to many of Us. Leisure.
"a condition of the Soul. leisure as a non~activity....an inner absence of preoccupation"
brought this truckload home late last eve. Left it parked Outside the Fence. Brought it IN this morning, got this far and just now know that i should unload it.
but first, need to rake out the scrap here and unload into the compost or on the growing beds.
i look for the gloves then find them and lay them here, where i had gotten some further with the Kantha after getting home from a Chunk of Time with the Old Cowboy and his brother/friend from Kansas. So I look at the gloves. I look at the little bit more of Kantha and i well, i run out of steam.
so, here we are. It's almost 7:30. I will just go sit on the porch. Watch night come. Sleep and dream. Start again tomorrow and look again for Leisure.