i don't really know how to say this, i've thought about it for a couple days, but i find it really hard to accept good and loving words about anything i do. We all might imagine where that comes from in a person. But, no matter, it's not something i'm very at ease with. I always need the qualifiers, either out loud or in my head. Am working on keeping them in my head and looking at them.
But Dee said something in a comment the other day that touched me so squarely in both heart and mind..
it was in the post about Snowbunny's death...
"the power of love, the power of observation, the allegiance to life as it happens (and not to how we wish it to happen" and i was so blessed by these words, the choice of each and the combination of them in the string of the sentiment she was gifting me...and i thought i can claim this...i can claim "the allegiance to life as it happens (and not to how we wish it to happen)....OH, YES!!!!!!!!!! i can claim that. Allegiance...what a BeautyFull word....Allegiance to life as it happens
so i thank Dee. Writers find words and you found those, Dee and i Thank You so much for words i can wear on my shoulders like a cape. Thank you. I wear my allegiance like a cape.................
and if you want to have some...feelings....read on. If not, just skip to the pic.
Jan the dog trainer/Goat person called the other day to ask how things were going with the herd without Snowbunny. I said i though ok and offered some reasons. But then, there was last night.
as i had said, Evan, the wood guy had come and pitched wood over the corridor fence. The pile reaches the top of the fence. He also missed with three chunks that fell short into the pathway. The fence pile hasn't been that way since last year this time. and not the three chunks. so stuff was
So...just before i went to sleep last night, i went out with the flash light to be sure i'd turned the water off after filling their tub. and lo and behold, there in the dark dark was a herd of doe Goats, lying at the entrance of the Corridor, their eyes glowing in the light of the flash....
always after their evening feed, at dusk, they move through and to the yard by their night room in the Albatross. Then at dark, they go inside to sleep.
Not. This was for Snowbunny. I have said before she was courageous. she was curious. she investigated everything and KNEW everything. I used to say she was nosey. but really, She took on the mantle of SAFE. She would have watched closely as Evan threw the wood and would have gone into the corridor to smell and inspect the 3 pieces lying there, look up and study how the rest was piled against their fence and she would have assured herself that stuff was ok. Then, when the light was waning, she would have headed out, through that different space, picked her way over the 3 pieces of wood and made her way to the middle yard and waited there for dark Dark and time to go in to sleep. Bun's gone. It's evident that no one else knows what to do. No one felt strong enough to check things out and then make that decision of Ok...let's go. So they waited. Waiting on into the DARK DARK. and it occurred to me today that they don't know, maybe what happened to Snowbunny. They did not see her die. Maybe they imagine her to be somewhere and then maybe coming back. Maybe they are waiting for her?
So last night, i crawled through the corridor entrance...it's short....and with the flash light called them in the Goat words....ebie ebie, come come....the ebie ebie from that movie Jan de Flouret, about the goat girl and come come from Jenny, i don't know why, but Jenny did it and it works.... and they sprang up and RAN past me through the middle pen and into their bedroom, so relieved.
So i know now that for whatever while, they might need some help. And really, it is such a good feeling to know that i can be that help, for some things, maybe not all but what i can, i will.
it has to go this way...so so so slow and subtle, it can build up, maybe, maybe not, but maybe but it needs to go slow. You probably can't see it...but there is: dusky purple, cadmium orange and red oxide. Slow. Slow. How earth Eats color.