in her comment Dana said the above, but to quote exactly, "the uncompromising nature of their being"...animals. But when i read it, i read it just of ...being. it fit things so well. and i realize that things here for a while have been hard. but...it's a journal, and it's a report of the days as they come and go. i can't fix it. what is, is. There ARE people, i was thinking today, who seem to have lives that are perfect. or, very smooth. no difficult decisions, no difficult events. My children's father for one. the most difficult thing he had to deal with recently is putting together an entire newly acquired condominium full of Ikea furniture. he told the kids he was exhausted. room after room after room.
I am thinking so many things. about Choice. how we say Yes to things, not knowing exactly what that Yes might mean. and then .... we have more Choices even as we Go, as things Unfold, because we are truly NOT at the Center of anything at all. it's a moving dynamic of many many players. It's sort of My story, but it's also The story, me, just a player.
so. yet one more grave. the Child Buddha and the Goat. moving from the Raft. Tomorrow, when i can be here all day, i'll tie new rags to the sticks.
and this morning, after sleeping what felt like 5 minutes at a time all night, i woke to start a fire. I'm out of New York Times. just Albuquerque Journal now. but here. This One. and i looked long at the pictures and read. About a clinic in Cuidad Juarez, just over the New Mexico border. I was there, some years ago. it was rough then. since then...well, i assume people read the news. this clinic is run by New Mexico's Sisters of Charity. it began in 2003 as a health clinic but over time evolved to specialize in providing physical therapy to poor families with special needs children.
What struck me most and deeply is that many of the parents who have lost their child to death, continue to come. they work in community with the nuns, with the parents of children being treated. they continue. They Just Go. Physical therapy, sensory exercises and Reiki. they continue. There, in a world of the Uncompromising nature of Being, they continue. they Just Go. so.
what to think? i will re-play and re-play and re-play yesterday for as long as it takes. Until something is quiet with in me.
and to tell the truth....i woke in the night, knowing for sure it was Lucky Star and her little one, Celia that had gotten out to roam the Buck's fence. and in that instant, i also knew that the only reality was that it was Nogal who had bred Karma. i had put off taking him away from his mother. i had put it off because i didn't want to cause him to cry. i had put it off because he was such a lap baby and so sweet and i didn't want to relegate him to the Big Boy Buck Pen. and because of MY feelings, this happened. it's mine. this belongs to me. and as straight talking Alberto said....."people like you shouldn't have animals. get a toy".