after reading Michelle's post with the Wisdom of Heather Cox Richardson, i was thrown back to those days that were such a personal nightmare, the last years of the person i was married to. How he actually used the technique of chaos. And i remembered what held me then was the determination to NOT LET HIM TAKE my SELF from me. That no matter, no matter the outcome, i would not let him take my Self from me. I would Stand. Stand in my Self and face whatever it might be. and i thought of this reading her words, her
W isdom. W is for wisdom. and i thought that no matter the outcome, i will NOT let my Self be taken from me. I will go forward inside the self of whatever it is i understand to be Right and i will not give up.
and then W went on to washing more scraps and lying them out to dry.
and then W was for WOOD, nearing the last of the pile. Splitting. Bringing in for Warmth. W again.
and then the rest of the day was W also.
W for wishing, W for wanting,
W for Waiting. and Waiting and Waiting
until the phone call.
the Without a doubt ultrasound. W is for without a doubt.
we have a Girl.
i could write that a thousand times and with a zillion eeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEs.....We have a girl.
I have no idea what this really means to me, but it means a LOT. Somehow it gives it all the edge it needs. If i'd been asked ahead of time about anyone having another child, i would have voted no. Not now. Not in this present world. No. No more. But i wasn't asked and really, no one was asked. Alyssia wasn't asked. There was simply an Appearance. There was the decision about what to do about that Appearance. and there was no real WILL to "do" anything. And the days went along until time was up and there was just going.
and now....here we have it. A girl child is floating in that Womb. and it's beyond