this is what the 1983 Toyota Pickup truck Sunny does. For 5 years, including yesterday, Sunny brought Goat feed. Bales of it. Every month or so. Never missed. Always. Didn't skip a beat. like i've said before, they are highly valued farm trucks. every time i am getting gas up at the truck stop, someone asks...Wanna sell that truck?
after unloading the bales of Grass Hay from pick up yesterday, this is where Sunny waited. for Travis and Everett.
how to say this in 5 words or less.
the original plan was that Travis would use an Auto transport to pull Sunny....like, he would be up on it, a flat bed thing. Late last night that fell through. Changing to a Tow dolly...front end up but riding on rear tires. Not the dream for long distance. But i listened and thought. Today finally, they get here and i study it, the Tow dolly. It's strong, heavy duty. Travis points out it's new tires. Lots of tread. But he also adds that because the truck is rear wheel drive, he will need to undo the drive shaft...tie it in place with baling wire. Baling wire. Travis is one of the Baling Wire people. I KNOW them.
I have choices. I can say NO. I want to say NO. But he and Everett are so totally happy and optimistic, so sure of themselves, or who they believe themselves to be. I say things and Travis responds with what his own experience is, what he Knows. I stand there. and i say....Don't bullshit me, Travis. This is crucial. and he responds, it will be Fine, grace. It is still my decision. and since i don't really know, and since i DO know that in order to Get There, i have to Go, i say ok.
we load Sunny with all the stuff i mentioned yesterday, except for the Janet Chairs. I just couldn't. Couldn't send them.
and as Travis was disconnecting the drive shaft, Everett and i notice that the passenger side tire (new) of the tow dolly is almost flat. I go up to the truck stop and buy a can of the Fix a Flat. They go off, Sunny, disengaged drive shaft behind, helpless, and in their optimistic way, intend to get air at the truck stop and the set out. Driving all night. Through N Mex, into Arizona and on to California.
which brings me to that term Default. When i was having coffee with Sydney the other day, she said some things about her "default setting"....how she is Re~Viewing that...what it offers and what i keeps her FROM. I will ask her to say her words to me again in the next couple days...in the moment i was listening to her, i knew they rang True...but i didn't retain them, exactly. I want to.
1. failure to act
4. a preset value that a system assumes or an action it takes unless otherwise instructed.
Default. What is my default?
and somehow this is tied to all that is in motion with women and men. Women being
victimized by men. Abuse. Use. Used. Women being used. girls, used. abused. I am drawn to the word Used, more than abused, because to me abused indicates some connection whereas, used means more what i think it really is...being used. For no particular reason. Just used.
How does this apply to today? well....i know that there is so much that i dont know. And i know that other people, in these cases, men, say they Know. and i am unsure. i need a result of some kind. They Know about that result. So....i have a choice. Say no. Walk away. or.....Risk. Hoping against Hope that it will work out ok. That the trust that i have given will have meaning.
for me today, it's not the same. But in a certain way, it must be, because i so strongly tie it to me.
and WHAT MIGHT BE the resolution of this? ahhhhh. To find out things for YOURSELF. To learn. To LEARN the same things that any boy, man, might learn. to not want to fall back into a default....of relying on. Stop relying on. Educate self.
nothing here, above is sure. it's all in the maybe.
these are the kinds of things i Like to Know. Maybe it's not enough.