this morning i found myself having lost a sense of confidence.
last week, when it became evident that i had really done the thing with the sciatic nerve, by "done the thing" meaning something more than i'd perpetrated on myself ever before,
i sat a long time trying to sense what i should do. i have no connection at all with the medical world. i have never needed that. having worked in a hospital for many years, and having educated myself, i have always been able to heal myself. this was different and i understood that part of it was that i simply have some wear and tear of normal aging of a physical body. and that this time was different in that i had gone over some invisible line with too much too close together. it had begun with the basting on the ladder of the Daughter cloth, then needing to split and haul wood inbetween, then hauling those heavy oak pallets across a half acre of land and stacking, re stacking. and finally, not wanting to surrender to it all, going to daughters and helping shave 6 goats. so...there i am, finding it so hard to even stand, and what do i think of????
i remember there is a woman in town who teaches Tai Chi. to make a long story shorter, i went twice last week. the first time was completely ify. it hurt. the second time, on thursday, better and then over this last weekend, better and better still. but then i worked Monday and again, that nerve glowed with pain.
this morning i woke, just NOT WANTING TO GO. it took everything i had to drag myself there. but i did. and ~a small or not so small miracle....as i went through the exercises, then through the forms, everything softened. i found myself breathing as suggested, instead of holding my breath. home again and i am very very good. so...now i learn.
and i am taking this as a Sign. this morning i was feeling a real lack of confidence in my ability to intuit what was happening in my world. maybe everyone was right. maybe it Was something that i needed to seek "professional" help with. but i have such faith in listening to my self. not just about physical things, but also about the last post...just in general, how to live this life.
as i stood on the porch late this afternoon/early evening thinking, i saw that the Apricot tree has begun to leaf.
and then i looked up and saw the wooden lizard...komodo dragon
i take these as signs. they are still coming. i just need to have a certain kind of faith.
