so. here we are. and it's not at all that i didn't like the First Way, really, but that it didn't seem to be able to Breathe. ok.
and today, i "see" a large circle of stitch. i printed it out and used the top of the small sauce pan for the circle on the pic. and then...., Mind said...make lizards and birds on that circle. and i drew them on with pencil. nice. but as the day went along, ......, No. Wait, stuff says. ok. and i am roasting green chilis for the green chili stew. there are a few ways to do that but tonight i choose the easy way. and as i am scraping off their skins, feeling impatient, suddenly i remember something.
I remember being in Oregon. not so long after i had bailed on my previous life, looking for something that Made More Sense. and i am remembering, clear as a bell, driving over the mountain pass from where i lived to where i worked 3 days a week at a residence for elderly persons. i have NO memory of how i found that job, got that job. but i did. and i drove maybe 50 miles?, maybe more, i really don't know., through a mountain pass on Forest roads that only had numbers and i would have to memorize the terraine, memorize the shape of a very certain rock to know where to turn. and often i would have to stop at some point and put snow chains on the tires. and i remember how i sometimes didn't know then What On Earth i was Doing????? and would feel so Lost. and then i remembered how i dealt with that. i would describe to myself, Out Loud, exactly everything i was doing. Details. like: i am driving soon past where all the sheep are. they are on the left in that pasture and when i get to the second post, i will honk my horn and they will startle and RUUUUUUUUN. for just a minute. then stop. suddenly. and begin to graze. then, there will be the two trees that make a V. turn. and then go. over the mountain. to the house where you work. where all the people are waiting for you. and make some money so you can pay Sandy for your place on the mountain, buy gas. eat. feed Lucy and UnaMoon.
tonight, i remembered that. because i was feeling impatient at peeling the chilis. it didn't come in small details but as a Large Remembering. that said..."when you don't know. or, are impatient", tell yourself aloud what you are Doing, and Why you are Doing it.
and it worked. i peeled the chilis and made the stew. i washed all the dishes and put everything away. i made the fire. i am writing this. all this this evening so i can begin anew in the morning. with nothing left over from today. begin anew. because stuff has begun to Circle Around and i want to be ready.
