reminding self that feelings are often Thoughts. which are mental constructs. and i'll add a word. Indulgences...according to Don Juan .
so...i indulged myself with thoughts and feelings. i went to the Farmer's Market in town and talked to too many people. always a mistake to go into town on Saturdays. you run into Everyone. and have to explain yourself over and over.
Then, i went to the Old Folks Home to see what was happening with Alz. Betty. She was in the shower, and i just missed it, but it was a good shower. a happy shower. some are not. sometimes she kicks and bites. but she was all moist and good smelling from all the lotion and had a new haircut. and she was thirsty so i was able to get her two glasses of water and she blew bubbles through the straw for the second. it make her laugh. and a new guy was there. he arrived during the night and was in one of the really interesting chair/pens made from pvc pipes. they are like, hmm, they are like a playpen but you can scoot around in them. they keep you from falling down. he was out in the middle area near the nursing station where there is this big table, where Betty is often parked. he was ....he was dressed still, as he had come, i'm sure. had his hat on. a hospital band on his wrist...must have come into the hospital in town and then shifted over to the Place. he was anxious. mostly spoke spanish but then as it is here, interspersed with english...and i got his drift. he was worried about "those Sons of Bitches". the nurses aid kept reassuring him that she had thrown them out. Thrown out those sons of bitches and it was ok. he wasn't at all sure. he had the look that the buck goats get. when they don't know exactly what they should do. when they only know a few things to do in any situation and are unsure. don't know who is ok and who is not. Don't know how to figure out ok.
and then, there was another guy who was patiently waiting for someone to take him out for a smoke. so i asked and they said i could. so we went. one of his legs is gone. and he has no sense of bowl or bladder. that's why he was there. he wasn't shy. and he feels ok about it. knows he needs care and cannot care for himself. no fear in his eyes. it was nice. the cigarette time. we shook hands.
and i finally got home.
accidentally flooded.
Apricot tree about half in bloom and SOOOOOO many bees and a hawkmoth and a black swallowtail
and i don't know how many wheelbarrow's full of compost to this strip outside the yard. anyway, hauled them and raked and watered and tomorrow i'll dig it in. will put onions here this time. Usually tomatoes but because of the Goats, this time ...Not.
and speaking of Goats
Gideon. that left front leg. he can barely put weight on it. what to think? if he can't stand, he can't live. When i fed them peanuts, i gave him as many as i could, as many as he could "compete" at the fence for. I am just too full of feelings for Gideon.
his son. Sunny Ray. and a good image for how goats feel about peanuts.
and beloved gentle TenZen waiting his turn.
