early this morning
an almost Bloom in the garden of the Child Buddha
Mercy has taken up lying on the little back porch, against the door. the door from the Room. Mercy is the one most "self attached" to me. i am hers.
the bustier that Julie sent from Dead Horse Bay...now pinned to the damask cloth, pinned to the West Curtain. How Beauty Full is THIS???????????????
and the altar cloth. truly a Solstice cloth, i think.
i was feeling kind of crazy. i am concerned that i made a mistake.....seperating the does. Moving the most of them...leaving the two mothers back. i got lost in the potential error of it. and went over and over and over all the reasons why. at one point in the day there was a sense of not knowing what was really Real about it all. me knowing i need to somehow Ground myself. and i couldn't. it's been a really long time since i have felt this sense of disconnection/confusion. Animals are so much harder for me than People. People you say words to. Animals have a different form of communication. Right?
anyway...there were hard hours. and i stitched. i finished the Kantha and suddenly searched for the odd threads.............put them in the Center., flowing out. This cloth to me is about a kind of Order. Order of seasons. Order of Physics. Order of the highest sense of Order . and i breathed that in. i needed it.
and almost as a post script, but really not at all, i called the Vet and made an appointment tomorrow at 2pm for 3 of the baby's disbudding. That one little red buck...his horn buds are the most prominent and he is so so so small. i talked to nurse Cindy about it and she was ok with my changing plan. i just told her that i am too "weak" to be a very integral part of the process. i can't. i feel like i should. but i can't. and i am now sitting with that. with the fact that there are some things i just Cannot Bring My Self to Do. Can't. and looking at it....if that is OK. or if that is uhhh, not taking responsibility. i don't know. but i was afraid. ok. i was afraid.
