windthread

122 give or take

i got my days messed up.. posted twice in one day and called it two.  i think it's right today.  122. 

and a GREAT day.

spent some good hours with this.  and it is different already but it's too late to take a pic.  but as i worked,  i wondered all along about what 
story                                                                                                                                                                                                this is.  and maybe it's that i just say the same story over and over?  and it's kind of just not really a story, but just a moment?

so i have to be fast here.  Thunder man has left the Rim and is moving down quickly.  Lightening beginning to flash.  the horizontal Heat lightning and then the oh so excellent Vertical strikes.  all that threaten electrical dependent things.  and also...want to be ready to go out with the Way Back Goats.  make sure they remember.  

and Goats...well it was a Very Goaty day.  but that should be it's own seperate post.  there's a Lot.

 

 

 

altar cloth finished. $50.00

 

and just after this, Wind rose up and 

RAIN.

and lightning and Thunder man and i checked, and all the Goats in the Way Back were crowding at the gate, thinking NOW was the time to go Home.  So i went out and called  "come come" and they galloped to me and i went under and into their new little shelter, which is NOT the Albatros that they are familiar with, but it was covered and the rain was outside this and we crowded in there.  All of Us.  and i said stuff and they pushed and shoved and re arranged themselves over and over and Arctica who WON't, let me touch her, DID, as did Just Going, who also ordinarily won't.

and there was great Lightning.  great Thunder and just Some Rain.  some small rain....so far.  it is ongoing and somehow in all that i got more blood....

so many scabs.  scab red.

and in the middle of all of it i looked at this altar cloth...wondering about it .....and

and look.  look at the center.  empty white.  except for the Stuff that flows from it.

and i found, i think, a home for Buckwheat.  i had contacted Deanna Baca who i know from the Daughter Days and told her i needed to do something.  and first of the Somethings would be Buckwheat, who takes up a whole space there.  because of his buckness and because of his

Horns.

and she said sorry.  NO one wants a Goat like this....no matter his credentials.   but then, later today an email.  a woman Mary in Las Cruces and her daughter Cara who have bought 2 breeding does from Deanna are interested in Buckwheat.    and as it went, email from  Las Cruces...from  Deadbroke Ranch.  They will pick up Buckwheat on July 8th when they come for Deanna's doe Marina.  Buckwheat will become a Herd Sire.  and from the little i know, he may be offered for Service.  not many or any Nigerians there.  so a whole new Life for him.  and it frees up space here. I don't really know what to think,  but i do know that life is predicated on so much.   and i guess that's enough for tonight.  there is more lightning on the Rim.

t

 

 

 

121

i haven't taken time to go to the laundromat.  so i washed these in a bucket in the bathtub and  hung them up at 7am.  not quite dry.  so...for another day now.  maybe a visiting Alz B day.

 

and it's done.  ,  all the disbudding.  all the uhhhh possibilities that go along with disbudding. 

Lucky Star's doelings, Starling and Celia.  Yes.  i have named them, a little.  they are standing in the Guinnea Hen Palace,  staring out at their mother who is acting like she never saw them before in her life.  so, again,  a dab of Vicks to her nose, to their foreheads inbetween where the stinky burnt hair and skin is.  now...everyone smells the same.  Vicks.  and so ok.

 

this is what it looks like close up.  their heads are shaved.

 

 

she tried hiding under the picnic table.  but that didn't work.  so she gave in and resumed her responsibility.

i took a Long Nap after we got home from the Vet and after all the Water Tubs were filled and after the little ones were recovering all slitty eyed in the straw and their mothers chewing good cud.  i took a nap with the oscillating fan 

mooooooooving

this way, that, the sound of it.  and i woke, after about an hour, and it was one of those glorious moments when i don't have a single clue of where i am, who i am, what i am.  for a single crystal moment

so much in these past few days to ....feel.  to ......know.   so so Much.

 

120

just in case i blink twice

 

119

a day.  

we went.  me, the 3 little bucks.  to the different Vet.  this is the old vet, the one that neutered and spayed the dogs maybe 13 years ago?  he had left, gone to Missouri but then come back.  i like him.  he's very quiet but answers questions very thoroughly.  and ok...just the important things here.    

What i have been Given to See....is.....that i still, always,  assume that other people know more and better than i do.  Sometimes, this is not true at all.   and much that i know is intuitive.  and/or a collection of bits of information.  and that i can trust that.  sometimes.  this is nothing Huge, really, but its like you, Cynthia, feeling like you and your man can and need maybe to be barefoot, within reason.

So back to the Vet.  we were taken into a side room to the operating room where i could watch through the glass wall as an operation was happening on a very large dog.  Both Vets were doing various parts.   The other one is Theresa Gonzales, who has a HUGE reputation in the county and who takes no new patients.  But, she was in and out and through and stopping to watch as the 4 young women Vet Techs were.  a lot of conversation.  that told me that no one they know of has Milking dairy goats.  one meat goat operation and someone maybe still has La Mancha, but don't milk.  so...really,  if you have goats in Socorro County,  you need to learn to be your own Vet as best you can.  They are there for the basic body mechanics.  but all the details are up to you.  if you research and ask, they will supply with any assistance they can.  but basically, it's up to me and nurse Cindy.  

AND, Mo, you will be so relieved to hear that they give anesthetic.  and one  after to reverse.  Vet said that if i decide to do the disbudding he will supply these to use here.  this is a big deal.  it meant a LOT.  he saw me as Able.   and one of the Techs wants to come over to see the goats with the intention of getting two for her daughter who is 10.  Perfect.  

so...tomorrow morning it's the little girls turn.  then we can breathe easy a bit more.  take some slow time to figure out what/how to do what is next.

and in the meantime, today, that was i think 105 give or take,  the first marigold opened fully

 

and the first wild sunflower 

 

and all too soon,  all in the Blink of an Eye,  the day, day number 119,  was over.  it's how it goes.  fast.  and i am thinking about how i do not want to spend a moment of any day at all, lost in anxiety,  in worry,  in undue concern.  What a waste.  Stuff happens or not.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

118

early this morning

an almost Bloom in the garden of the Child Buddha

Mercy has taken up lying on the little back porch, against the door.  the door from the Room.  Mercy is the one most "self attached" to me.  i am hers.

the bustier that Julie sent from Dead Horse Bay...now pinned to the damask cloth, pinned to the West Curtain.  How Beauty Full is THIS???????????????

and the altar cloth.   truly a Solstice cloth, i think.  

i was feeling kind of crazy.  i am concerned that i made a mistake.....seperating the does.  Moving the most of them...leaving the two mothers back.  i got lost in the potential error of it.  and went over and over and over all the reasons why.  at one point in the day there was a sense of not knowing what was really Real about it all.  me knowing i need to somehow Ground myself.  and i couldn't.  it's been a really long time since i have felt this sense of disconnection/confusion.  Animals are so much harder for me than People.  People you say words to.  Animals have a different form of communication.  Right?

anyway...there were hard hours.  and i stitched.  i finished the Kantha and suddenly searched for the odd threads.............put them in the Center., flowing out.  This cloth to me is about a kind of Order.  Order of seasons.  Order of Physics.  Order of the highest sense of Order .  and i breathed that in.  i needed it.

and almost as a post script, but really not at all,  i called the Vet and made an appointment tomorrow at 2pm for 3 of the baby's disbudding.  That one little red buck...his horn buds are the most prominent and he is so so so small.  i talked to nurse Cindy about it and she was ok with my changing plan.  i just told her that i am too "weak" to be a very integral part of the process.  i can't.  i feel like i should.  but i can't.  and i am now sitting with that.  with the fact that there are some things i just Cannot Bring My Self to Do.  Can't.  and looking at it....if that is OK.  or if that is uhhh, not taking responsibility.  i don't know.  but i was afraid.  ok.  i was afraid. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

117

i am reminded.

i am reminded of Zoe Keating....Into the Trees

you can find it on Utube.  and.......for anyone, any One at all that can't afford to get it...tell me.  i would get it FOR you.  it's the music of Just Going.

and an Old Cowboy Goat Day   with Cloth watching.

 

 

one hundred and sixteen days

it began peace Fully enough.  Domestic Goats, Captive Goats, begin a day with quiet milling.  Peacefully.  it goes from there.

learning about what and how we Eat

 

 

What to do about Lucky Star.  she is a very Fine Goat.  a very gentle, loving Goat.  She has no need for many of the Goatly things.  What to think about her?  Now,  with this seperation, she will find an even harder passage back into the Herd.  Thinking.

The day was better.  and i remembered that daughter said things about the Three Day Rule.  Three Days and somehow, everything is ok.  is the New Normal.  so, today was day One.  and  there was a kind of acceptance.  What i am finding, with Them now in the Way Back is that they are even more a part of the Whole.  Now, out There, they are so much Closer.  This evening i found self out there sitting on the porch and just caressing whoever came.  and i found self singing.  no known tune, and just syllables , not words.  Sounds.  and as they came, to stand close and lean in, i found self singing into the bones of their skulls.  and they would stand.  so still.  with my singing going into their skulls.  sometimes their necks, too.  my mouth, not really pressing, but close to pressing against them.

115

Today was like when we are in Transition, in our own LABOR of childbirth.  during that part of it all, we are Sure that we would Never want to do this again.  (but that often changes).

Today was like that.  during the whole day, the undercurrent was...Only this One Time.  I Will Never Do This Again.  and really, i might not.  but then, you never know.   i had wanted to take a bunch of pics...but being Present for Them and for me and for the merging of Both, taking photographs seemed uhhhh,  frivolous.  it was Not a frivolous day.

First,  after securing all weak spots,  i moved the Herd to the Way Back.  i forgot one thing...to cover the baled feed with the tarp....so at the first moment of this, it seemed like Havock....They, having No Clue of what i had in mind, began milling.  Fortunately, Ginger listened to the furtive Come Come and came.  then dear old bitchy Snowbunny, the Matriarch and she has a collar and i hooked on to that, shaking my bucket of pellets and by some Miracle,  they Came.  and that part was done.  They ran, they startled, they climbed the new Stump.  they inspected the new Shelter.

and after a point, they were ready to go

home.

not knowing that home had changed.  that they ARE home.  now.  in the Way back.

and then, right after getting them there, i unhooked the gate of the Albatros to the World and hooked the two inside gates together for Passage

put a cement block.  now, all kids could mingle.  Lucky Star came through to the Out Side.

and then, from there, the Hard Part.  I am Not a Goat.  I don't have the genetics that inform me about survival.  Caroline, Sweet Caroline,  needed to dominate.  In thinking about it now, there is some understanding.  it's all, still, about one's offspring.  Lucky Star makes 4.  Her stakes are High.  Caroline has  just 2 but in her sense of it, the stakes are equally high.  they Worked at it.  They rose up and came down, head to head.  Over and over.  BAM  BAM.  slo mo.  they MET.  head to head and both were bleeding. all the while, the babies were all in the close side of the Albatros.  Venturing out and returning.  and i watched.  not knowing.  interfere means interfere.

i looked to the Cloth.  ?????

maybe, probably, eventually, they would have worked something out.  but

i interfered.

i gathered up Lucky Star's babies and took them across the DMZ to the Guinnea Hen Palace.

so...now.  Some re evaluation on Their Part,  Lucky Star and Caroline...and it quieted.  babies on both sides making forays into the DMZ.  some Auntie head butting, some Auntie ear nipping, but, Quieting.

 

 and in the Way Back, i hauled a bale of bedding straw .  spread it.  maybe they will get the Drift.  but at last look, in deep twilight, they were standing.  Standing in a cohesive Herd, at the gate.

ready to go Home.  and Home won't happen.

What will they DO?, tonight???????

 

 

 

 

 

 

114 part 2

no pic of this.

 

Suddenly, i am thinking,

How do i make a Cloth of This...of this Shift of things?  What would it Look like?  Would it include the Goats?  or, is the Shift in me.  in my understanding of Just Going?  

What would this Cloth be like????????????????????????

...................................~...............................and the i realize.

the date on this pic is 4/22.  and in THIS MOMENT this cloth, this Cloth, is just to the right of me.

on the Curtain.  and i haven't looked, like Looked, like really Seen that, until this moment, 10:26pm,  June 22.  2013.