a lot of looking. a lot of trying things, undoing the tryings. and where it stands now is that only the rocks and DayNight are for sure. all else is in question. so i began turning the edges of the rocks and stitching them down and to one another. slow work. all the while, stopping to look often. and as it goes, a red thread was on the floor at one point. it hadn't been just this morning. so it had managed to make its way from where ever it had been to directly underfoot. ok. the red thread. and as i write this, my scalp tingles. i wrote....directly underfoot....maybe that's where it goes ???? whose? hers? the Goat's? both??
While i stitch, my mind is drifting from one thing to another in a very edgeless way, one mindthought blending into another that often is not connected at all.
This morning i went to Music Morning at the Old Folks home to meet up with Alz B's son who was home from Maine for just this one day before leaving to teach a week in Colorado. he wanted to ask me something. The Something: would i be willing to continue as i had while he was gone a month in Maine, being responsible for Alz B. ? Being responsible means going to hang out with her 3 times a week, for undeterminate times. Sometimes i just stay 20 minutes. Sometimes i help Ann the Bath Lady with that. Sometimes i go at a mealtime and feed her. Sometimes i take her outside to the patio and we listen to music on her boombox. Sometimes we just sit and she mumbles away while i sit in silence holding her hand. What i actually DO and how LONG i actually do it doesn't matter. it's just that i am aware of how it's going for her. and one more thing. The Big Thing. He would like to only go once a week now. He would like to turn off his phone, maybe for a week at a time. during these times, it is me that would be called for any emergency decisions. it would be me that would make decisions about care in those times that might extend life or let life go. it would be up to me. It has been many years that i have worked for them, he and his wife, then B his mother. we know each other well. he knows that what i want really, more than anything now is to just BE AT HOME. But he asked. and he asked with this awareness, so, i understand from this, that for whatever reason, it is Important for him. and maybe Necessary to him. so once again, i am looking at the weight of Necessities. Someone elses. Mine.
and yesterday, a book arrived:
how exactly this book ties into it all is unclear yet. But i found out that it is just NEWLY published by clicking on Heather, of truestitches.blogspot.com on someone's blog, maybe Deb G's and reading back so see what Heather has been doing and reading a review of sorts for this book there to find out she has met the author, i am not clear how, but they met. Heather lives in the Gulf Islands, British Columbia, Canada. the author of the book, Wendy Jehannara Tremayne lives down the freeway from me about an hour at the most, probably 40 min?, in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico.
Wendy and her partner moved here in their 30's from New York City. my guess is that they might be 40 now? or close to it. They took a Great RISK and have built a world for themselves. I love the book partly because i know T or C. have been there. and things about their life are things about my own life. but somehow, in a Bigger way, the finding of this newly published book, really, through Spirit Cloth where i first knew of Heather, ......is saying something to me. is saying something about this cloth i am making about the commitment to the Goats, to what that means...somehow it's all tied together....
on the back cover "This is not a story about going 'off the grid' and living in isolation from society, but rather returning to the interconnectedness and social values that have characterized humanity pretty much since there have been humans" Doug Rushkoff, author of Present Shock" When Everything Happens Now
