it's moving toward the Rim....watching. and today, the first of the Sandhill Cranes arrived overhead. i was out there, clearing the weeds as tall as i am from around the horse trailer when i heard them still to the North, and stopped and stood, waiting until YES! they are Back!!!!! All is Well. migration.
i'd said i maybe would really take time and organize my thoughts and feelings, but i don't want to. Here i am again, just winging it, like those Cranes...
i'm not ready yet. but i know more. i know that the Unforseen still arises here Out of the Blue. I know that if something even seems remotely possible, i feel compelled to do it. i know that if i
CAN,
i feel like i SHOULD.
and i know that there is something about that that isn't right. or, isn't right for me anymore???
i also know that i continue to put my Making, and in this time it is the Making of Cloth, as
second.
because i still continue to feel like it is self centered. self gratifying. Less Than, for instance,
milking goats and making cheese.
so...not much further along at all. except i worked hard out there today. Tomorrow, Nogal will go in with the Big Boys. today, i watched the Herd of does in the Way Back do things i could never imagine them doing. they were hard on eachother. relentless, really. Rearing, head butting, HARD. you could hear it all day. a deep resonating THWAK as head hit head. moving in a circle, muttering, pushing, negotiating. all the while, Barbara with the bloody scur had to stand aside. Barbara, who in the past has been a bully, has been reduced by her circumstance to really, Nothing, except a catalyst for all the rest. and watching them so earnestly be their most sincere Goatly selves, i know that when i reintegrate them with the two milking does in the regular yard, it will all need to happen again. and i know it's hard for me to watch. and i remember daughter saying..."then don't watch".
and now Sun has reached the rim of the planet. and i know that i just really want to Make Cloth. and i know that i didn't again today. and i don't know what i think yet. and i know that im getting
really tired of my Self.
and this is a while later. i went out and sat with the Goats. the babies are now shy of me, out there, because they have become accustomed to me coming at dark to take them from their mothers. So, they came so close. but then in the last second, ran.
so...what i know today is You Can't Have It All. yes? is this true?
Looking and Thinking.
