windthread

237

Fall Cleaning.  we have Fly Season here.   it's usually August.   this year came later and lasted longer because of the Unusual Rain.  Many flies.  Many Many flies.   i even succumed to using fly spray on the windows of the Room because it felt hopeless.  and i got a little crazy.   so after swatting so many flies,  Fall is the time to wash curtains, walls, ceiling.   i didn't do it last year.  but today i finally began.  North wall of Living Room.  Living Room.  funny term.   it's the far West end of this metal box i live in.   washed the curtains in a bucket in the bathtub and hung them out to dry.  washed half the wall.  the rest maybe tomorrow, maybe not.  i have to wait anyway.  the miracle mop i got at the State Fair maybe 4 years ago has been in the bathroom closet.  seems it petrified.  was unusable today...for the ceiling.  so i ordered a new one on line.  it's a squeegie thing, works great on the ceiling.  so...till it comes,  all that can be on Pause.  but the curtains are clean and smell like Sun and Wind.  yes.

 

fixed.  which means ReInforced the gate to the back side of the Albatros in anticipation of letting the Whole of the Herd "back through" soon.  added wood.  tied in with baling wire.  Strong enough.

 

and while i was clearing space for the gate,  i looked.  and i am on my knees stricken by the Wonder of how stuff goes.  This was sand.  like pale,  sand.   This IS naturally composted Earth.  this is how it is meant to go.  Animals eat, animals shit.  the shit mixes in by the action,  in this case, of their hooves.   This area was last belonging to Buckwheat.  Stinky him.  and now, with the manure and urine worked into the excess of his feed....it could NOT be more Excellent.   and i brought the handful to my nose,  and ohhhh,  the scent of good earth.   i have a smile as i write this and my eyes get all teary.  the beauty of this is nothing short of Miracle.

 

and i finally gave up hoping for a woman to respond to the flier at the grocery store and called the handy man guy.  the one that helped me build the shelter in the Way Back.  he is very nice.  he is very ADD.  he is very smart, well read, eccentric in the way that many citizens of New Mexico are, and that probably includes me,  but...his faults are 2.  he talks a mile a minute and he never wants to go home.  So.  ok.  i tell him i have budgeted 2 hours.  that's it.  and ok.  he is going to be the Other Person for the hoof trimming.  ok.  so, he comes with the above.  it is a carpenter's apron with a piece of sheet metal afixed so that if a Goat might kick him,  nothing will be damaged.  ok., well.  and he did fine.  we did two Goats.  that's 8 hooves.  and it went well.  i just let him talk and didn't answer him, kept clipping clipping clipping.  i am VERY HAPPY about this.  only 17 more Goats to go.    he will come every Wednesday until it's done.  he left his protective apron hanging here.  

 

he brought a watermellon as a snack.  we had that.  Nice.  but i had to say..."OK, done now"  and he went home.

 

after that,  the wood guy was supposed to come.  but he called and had had an Unforseen.  so tomorrow.  but i cleared the space for him.  there's some left from last year.  Life is Good.  he's bringing Alligator Juniper.

 

and coming in after all this,  i noticed....a small clump of Blue Grama!  so near the porch steps.  How could i have missed this before?????  but i DID.  and so, seeing it was like a kiss on the forehead from the God Thing.  this is just the BEST.  i call it eyelash grass.  it's the most loving of all Native Grasses....i am grateful.  and there.  right by the porch steps.

 

and all day.  Off and On.  Out of the corner of my eye sometimes,  i watched the Cloth on the Wall.  it is making sound.  the Cloth about migrating birds.  the Cloth about visuals from so far above the surface of the Planet.  this is referred to as a Migratory Corridor.  i love those words.  and again..., last night some owl is out there.  four days now.  it might be staying.

 

 

 

 

 

 

236

another work away day.

 

 

a mouse poop, nicely,  in a shell.   these shells are all over here.  it used to be a flood plain of the Rio Grande.

 

morning glories

 

 

 

pomegranate in a copper  pot that i forgot.

 

i took a long nap.   then just walked around Looking.   with no particular purpose in mind.  but saw all kinds of Purpose of the Heart.

 addendum:  be sure to click the morning glories and the two of the wild sunflowers twice to see close and Close.   i wish i could have these pics the size of the sky and live inside that leaf

235 more Purposelessness

and i think i have a little more info about Purposelessness.   it seems that Each Individual Thing i Do is Whole, unto itself.   as in,  not connected to "more" of something.  Each doing is Complete.  Just it.  it begins and it ends.  There is something very satisfying to me about that.  and is very important information for the Experiment.

 

 

i picked the last of the tomatoes.   almost all of them experienced a full season.  very few green.  a lot of these are small.  and i don't know why.  but am going to pull off the mushy ones and turn them under.  see if i get good healthy Volunteers in the spring.  i'm thinking i will.

 

and i decided to look for Barbara's scur until i found it.  i'd kinda looked before,  but let it go.  Today tho,  i wanted to find it.  i wanted to look at it and try to understand what happened.  i could look at her re maining horn in the last couple days and it wasn't making sense.  but...finding it and seeing what it is, i understand.   i want to do some research about horns.

and i tried to sneak out to get a pic of what's happening out there but failed every time.  i know by the sound of it,  that Nogal has begun to Play.  There is a metal water trough turned over.  actually, two.  one in the Buck Pen,   one in the close Albatros pen.  they like them because of the sounds they make when they jump on them.  kindof a Goat Drum.  and i know by the sounds, that Nogal has begun jumping off and on and Sunny Ray and Tenzen are "chasing" him, off and on.  i want to see it.  But when ever they see me, they stop what they are doing and come to the fence.  

i worked Away from Home today, Monday, and went to the Laundromat.

 

 

 

 

234 a purposeless day again

this is what the HouseDress looked like in the very beginning.  it is from a piece of natural silk noile

that i got from Dharma Tranding a long time ago.  i dyed probably 4 or 5 yards,   in the walnut vat. 

figuring i would use it for someting.  and then the HouseDress.  so...it's 20" wide.  which turns out

to be almost enough for the top of the dress.    folded it in two and cut the shape for the neckline.

i wanted it for putting on over my leggings and long sleeved shirts that i wear to bed in the cold months.  so it has to be loose.  roomy.  and als0 why the silk noile is good, because it's thin, but warm.  and then i wanted nothing that felt "binding".  and so, no waistline.  so the skirt of it is mid hip and more fabric so there would be some gathering, some give.   room to squat and tend the fire.

and Marti had made this beautiful walnut dye.  and i admired it.  she didn't love it so much and

sent it to me.  i wanted to put it on the front, thinking it, in it's entirety would be perfect, but,

i am smaller than i'd imagined....

and i am also Wider than i'd imagined.  so i added panels under the arms. 

so...here we are.  basted together.  Looking.  What i want is to get out of bed in the morning,  in a very cold house.  take it off the bamboo hook and slide it on over my head, over the long sleeved shirt and leggings.  pull on some wool socks.  put on the rubber crocks, a sweatshirt and be ready to start the fire.  be ready to wait the half hour till  things are Possible in here.   i can wear it every day and wash it once a week by hand and hang it to dry so it's ready for the NEXt day.  HouseDress.  and if it's really cold,  i can wear it out to do the Goat stuff.  i don't have to take it off and upload other stuff.   just add over it.   so....good.  Tomorrow or the next day i'll finish it.

and i forgot my blanket robe.  from Cloth to Cloth.  an old wool blanket.  become a robe.  yes.  got it out.

and there he was.  the little FishBird.  when i understood how applique can be.  how good to see him.  

all this making comes from Jude.  i never would have even tried.  i was really no good at patterns....like McCalls,  Butterick, Vogue.   no good at sewing with the machine.   but...i can make stuff up now.   Make what i need.   and so, in this purposeless day,  i did.  and i made stuffed peppers and played music to the Goats.  

it was a very very good day.

her

Her house is made of stone and earth.  One room.  It is not decorated.  It is shelter.

She is not building anything.  She does.  Every day.  But the doing also undoes, of its own accord.  So it's becoming,   then,  dis~integrating.  A constant motion.  Back ~ Forth.  Back~forth.

233

Day 3 for Nogal's new life.  He is a particularly smart Goat.  

in the late day feeding, there is an appetizer of pellets before the hay.  there is much competition for every single pellet.   and Nogal has discovered that the most Sure and Peaceful place at the Bowl is directly under Gideon's head.  all of the pushing and shoving goes on above.  under Gideon's head,  there are many pellets.  

 

and LOOK.   Arrived.  Beyond what i'd imagined.  and perfect for this Time of Purposlessness.

 

and this morning i had a thought

i think i am going to go about the Experiment of Purposelessness from a different direction.  i sat long, looking at this photograph of an unknown old woman this morning before dawn.  into the dawn.  and then on into the beginning of the day.  Just looking.    and it occurred to me that maybe if i imagined her life,  the life that at 20 something i knew i wanted,  maybe i would know more about the direction i would like to go.   

so in the initial part of the Experiment,  i am going to begin imagining/visualizing Her.  Her world.  actually,  her Diorama.  where she lives.  what she "has".  what she does.  How she lives.  if it goes well,  i will "ask" her.   Back in the day when i studied Intensive Journal Process,  i did a lot of this.

It's been years.  a different lifetime, really.  but i wonder if i remember how.  and i wonder if i can "find" Her.

 

 

 

 

 

232 Begin. Experiment of No Purpose

there are SO many crickets suddenly

 

i set the dictionary on the floor to refill the coffee cup and when i came back,  this.

 

this one had actually crawled to this spot maybe 3 days ago.  it is in the exact Center of the most high traffic area of the house....traveled across many time daily by 2 dogs, a cat and human, once, two humans.  in the first hours, i scooted h/ir over to a more quite floor tile near the wood stove, but no...back again.  scooted again.  back again.  so...ok.  and somehow everyone managed to walk around h/ir.  and there s/he lies in this moment, slowly just falling apart of h/ir own accord. 

 

and this will be a Cloth for the Sandhill Cranes.  for Migration.  Especially for # 59905468 who traveled 51,100 miles.  and i think about the Purpose of Sandhill cranes.    they are not critical food sources for predators.   they are not generally hunted by human beings.  i am thinking about their purpose.   the purpose of this really massive migration.    where i grew up in Michigan, my dad used to take us to Waterloo Recreation area to watch their Arrival in the Spring.   i was absolutely

stunned

my first year in N. Mex.  when driving, i heard a sound.  my whole body responded to that sound.  it was their distinctive call.  they have something very singular about their skeletal system, i don't remember, but it is found maybe in only them?  or maybe very few birds?  When i go to the Festival of the Cranes this year at Bosque del Apache,  i will be sure to go to the exhibit that has the skeletan and remember what the Interpreter tells me.    i'll come back here and tell you.  but,  how amazing.  i had left their spring nesting grounds and come to the far end of their migratory passage here in the south central Rio Grande valley.    but back to the question.  what is their Purpose?  Raptors and Game Birds,  well...yes.  But these cranes?

 

and i started the Judy Martin Dress which really isn't going to be that.   i don't know what it is.  a jumper.  maybe i'll jump.  Julie mentioned skipping.  ????  don't know.  but it has begun.

and an Update on the little boy:  

Yvette...Nogal is the spanish word for Walnut.   which is his color.   in certain light.  today, he cried only half a day on and off.  Today, his crying was because he wants to nurse.   and that somehow makes it better for me to listen to.  Because he had become too big and too rough to continue nursing.  and he was demanding.  Lucky Star had a very hard time limiting him.  he was becoming more than she could handle.  Rough.  he had at the same time become able to impregnate her, his sister, his Aunt and his cousin.  if any of them had come into heat, he would have done his business.  so...the crying.  The other Bucks,  Sunny Ray, Tenzen and old Gideon are really very kind and gentle.  Way more than i had imagined they would be.   So...although in this moment as i write this i can hear him,  his warblly whaaa,  tomorrow maybe he will have forgotten some, the taste of mother's milk.  for sure, in time he will.  

 

 

What if....

in that very slight thin space between sleep and waking this morning,  a very surprising question occurred.  

What if 

i spent the rest of the 365 days, which would mean 134 days, 

Experimenting with being

Purposeless. ?

Would there be a noticeable difference?   or,  is my constantly being driven to define my life by a sense of Purpose really,  an  Illusion.......?

 

INSERT

 

breakfast with the Big Boys

 

10:12 a.m.

from NM fish and game website    www.fws.gov/refuge/Bosque_del_Apache/wildlife/bands. html

Band Number 599-05468

"This band was worn for 36 and 1/2 years by a Rocky Mountain Sandhill crane.  It is one of the oldest RMSH's known.  The bird was banded with its broodmate on 29 June 1973 one mile north of Border, Wyoming on the Thomas Fork of the Bear River.

The distance as the crow flies from Border Wyoming to a staging in the San Luis Valley of Colorado and then down the Rio Grande to the Bosque del Apache is approximately 700 miles.  If you assume this crane returned close to its nesting grounds each spring and back to Bosque del Apache each winter, the band made the round trip 36 times as well as a final one way trip where it was recovered.  That is a total of 51,100 miles in a lifetime, or an equivalent of circling the earth more than twice."

 

231

Out in the Way Back, there is a new order.  Barbara has been allowed back.  She ate from the bowls. Drank from the communal water.  she layed next to her mother and her aunt during cud time.  and i will watch now to see the changes.  i think that Oona has moved to the top.  her mother, the Grandmother of all, Snowbunny, has kept to herself today.  i need to watch the next days to really know.  but it's over and done.  for this time.  and in their very singular terms, All is Well.

but...that's the Way Back.  Out Front, a different story plays out.

 

Nogal has assumed his Place in the buck pen.  this is not a good photograph but it seemed cruel to take pictures of such Grief.  in the first moments,  there was a Great Display.  Even old Gideon rose to the occasion and huffed and snorted,  the other two, surprisingly, TenZen, who is so passive,  but him too.  Much stamping and vocalizing and tongue flapping and just virile rowdiness, much peeing on beards and nudging dear young Nogal.   then intense Watching as he went about the perimeters, looking and checking if there was a way Back to his mother.  and then scouting hiding places, "in case".   that lasted maybe an hour.  since then, he has cried.  non stop.  For his mother. and the Bucks just watched and listened to his misery.   His mother watched.   His sister Celia called back to him all day.  but his mother, Lucky Star watched.  it is almost Rim Time and his cries are becoming a little softer, a little more space inbetween.  But who does he have to sleep next to?  i won't know.  maybe no one.  maybe he will sleep alone.  Deep Breath in,  Deep Exhale.  

this was a very Canary Yellow cloth of Deb Lacativa's that i put in the copper pot with the pods of the Snake Tree.   just wadded up.  the Dark is from oxidation of the folds that as the liquid evaporates  in Sun,  begin marking any cloth.

 

 

and all day,  i looked at the Vertical image.  but late,  nearing Sun Set,  i wondered....What If?  and i think this is IT.   what it IS,   i have no idea.  but i think it's the next Cloth.  it speaks of a repeating Rhythm.  maybe of the Cranes return, of migration,  of following some really unhearable things that tell us Things?  that there is no language for.   but only some kind of response.   the best we can offer in any given moment.

?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

230 Sun set

it's moving toward the Rim....watching.   and today,  the first of the Sandhill Cranes arrived overhead.  i was out there, clearing the weeds as tall as i am from around the horse trailer when i heard them still to the North, and stopped and stood,  waiting  until  YES!   they are Back!!!!!  All is Well.  migration.

i'd said i maybe would really take time and organize my thoughts and feelings, but i don't want to.  Here i am again,  just winging it, like those  Cranes...

i'm not ready yet.   but i know more.  i know that the Unforseen still arises here Out of the Blue.  I know that if something even seems remotely possible,  i feel compelled to do it.  i know that if i

CAN,

i feel like i SHOULD.  

and i know that there is something about that that isn't right.  or, isn't right for me anymore???

i also know that i  continue to put my Making,  and in this time it is the Making of Cloth,  as 

second.

because i still continue to feel like it is self centered.   self gratifying.  Less Than,  for instance,

milking goats and making cheese.  

so...not much further along at all.   except i worked hard out there today.  Tomorrow, Nogal will go in with the Big Boys.   today, i watched the Herd of does in the Way Back do things  i could never imagine them doing.  they were hard on eachother.  relentless, really.  Rearing, head butting, HARD.  you could hear it all day.  a deep resonating THWAK as head hit head.  moving in a circle, muttering, pushing,  negotiating.  all the while, Barbara with the bloody scur had to stand aside.  Barbara, who in the past has been a bully,  has been reduced by her circumstance to really, Nothing,  except a catalyst for  all the rest.   and watching them so earnestly be their most sincere Goatly selves,  i know that when i reintegrate them with the two milking does in the regular yard, it will all need to happen again.  and i know it's hard for me to watch.  and i remember daughter saying..."then don't watch".  

and now Sun has reached the rim of the planet.  and i know that i just really want to Make Cloth.  and i know that i didn't again today.  and i don't know what i think yet.  and i know that im getting

really tired of my Self.

 

and this is a while later.  i went out and sat with the  Goats.  the babies are now shy of me, out there, because they have become accustomed to me coming at dark to take them from their mothers.  So, they came so close.  but then in the last second, ran.  

so...what i know today is You Can't Have It All.  yes?  is this true?

 

Looking and Thinking.