This morning, for whatever reason, i could not stand it one more day. For almost a full month, since April 15th, there has been silence in the road. Even when neighbor Margie's son was there on weekends, she hardly appeared. There was no "looking in the direction" of her son and i either when he was out. Nothing. Nada. and it was just slowly getting worse on this end. I looked for a word that would describe the feeling. Paralysis. Whatever was happening in the day, was immediately framed by not knowing what to do. By not knowing any way to have things be ok. By feeling that my "world" here was in a kind of Limbo. It was the last thought before sleep. The first thought upon rising to consciousness in the mornings. It wove through Everything. Paralysis. To the point i couldn't even speak of it. A few people would ask...Hows it going?... and all i could do would be to kind of look off. And spending time with the Goats was hard. What might become of us????
So. This morning i wrote her a note. Only facts. no apologies, no begging. Just facts. I said that i would be moving the Goats into the Way Back. That i would not leave them there for prolonged times, but move them Back and Forth. That keeping them in the Front Pens was wrong to me. That i had asked MANY people and for the most part they agreed that food cannot absorb smell. That i had asked many people to smell this Place and that all agreed that it was Good. And that to me, the Goats are Jenny. My daughter. Margie knows Jenny. and that I would not let Jenny down. No matter what. I didn't sign love or my name even. Just that. and i put the note into a plastic grocery bag with my almost full bottle of Patchouli Oil and an unopened (bought by accident) box of Satya Sai Baba Patchouli Forest incense (i burn Nag Champa). and when i left for work, i stopped and tied the bag to her gate.
i got home from work and the bag was gone. i did a few things and the phone rang. Her. She talked of being so relieved that i broke the silence. That really, she can't smell the Goats. That it was that one day, and she doesn't know why, and that she cannot stand it how it is. There was exchange and we agreed " to just Bury It". Her words. It all was "just a dream". Her words. and i said Bueno. that i would come by later. and i tried to take a nap but couldn't. the Energy of the paralysis remained. it was so stong for so long it had become entrenched and i kept telling myself it was Over, but as soon as i'd said that, the energetic level of it arose again. This is really interesting to me. The Intensity of Response to Great Threat of Well Being. i am watching. Looking. Watching. Feeling.
a little while ago, her sister called. She was at Margies cooking dinner and did I have some flour?
Yes.
so i walked over with it and we hugged. we hugged. and promised to always figure out a Way.
and here we go. All you (me) have to do is put two pieces of cloth together. Just that. and it all begins. The two know and ask for more. so, ok. and yes. am Listening. ok.
