windthread

Big day at the Old Cowboy's

He's worn to a frazzle.  His feet hurt,  his knees are giving out,  it took him 2 hours to shave his head,  sitting down,  on his walker seat.   His nose is running like a faucet,  his mind  is full of screaming meme s (don't know how to spell that),  he wonders why he did anything and everything he ever did.

so,  we worked on the thousands of movies he has pirated from his  TV movie network thing,  seperating them, bagging them up to get rid of.  They are all in the back of my car right now.  i told him i'd think of something to do with them.  But i laughed a lot and that saved the day.  When i laugh, he feels like stuff's ok.  When i'm silent,  a lot of the time,  he gets worried.   and so. 

 

 

the Walnut pot.  mouldy and stinky,  but still potent.   It went Out Side today.

 

building a shelter for a soul

 

Altar is Working

well, well.

here we are.  after a day long head ache of Typepad,  all is well.  Sigh.

 

 

 

the world of my sisters.  Can you see them?  Blue Tailed Sisters.....Whiptails?

 

and to day.  ToDay.   i met a young woman at the feed store last week.  Tonight she came.  in tow,  her two sons,  one in fourth grade.  Engaging,  smart,  personable.  One,  Autistic,  engaging, personable and into the GOATS.   and her ....MAN.  who has taken her On.  Taken her and these two sons ON.  and they came.  they came to see the Goats.  They have acres.  acres of land.  

i will  give Jude's Magic and Barbara to them.  Between the two of them,  they will be able to deal with the issue of scurs.   

what to say?....i don't quite know.  i don't quite know.

Stuff's not perfect.  Perfect in a kind of world.  But in another world,  it's very perfect enough.

Hey ho

SO.   This morning  i   "got somewhere".   O hallelujah!  

The last time i had to "work" so hard was around 30 some years ago when i Understood that i needed,  like NEEDED to learn to meditate.   

This last period of time felt as urgent,  as Necessary,  but i had no clue really about which direction.  Patricia,  followingthread.wordpress.com  asked me some questions in an email yesterday.  Things she wondered about what i'd been saying here about Sorrow...to clarify  where i was coming from.  For this,  i am grateful.    In thinking about the questions and in trying to answer them,  i  pushed self this morning to  Keep Going.   And where i got to is GOOD.  this is in part the response email and i'm just putting it here because it's enough for now.   Goats are stirring and  i'll need to go out.  From the email reply:

This morning your words pushed me to read more.  I didn't want to.  Was feeling like i just want to do nothing for a while.  But your words caused me to formulate a thought....that what we are experiencing has exceeded the limitations of the Personal and opened into the vast space of the Collective and that word,  Collective...in the Jungian sense ....was the key to where i DID get to just now.  I think we are willing to look at what we have no way to SEE,  as in understand,  what we might be peering at.  Because it is NEW.  Just NEW.  We are acting on a FeltSense that something is being asked of us but we don't know what it is or how to explain it to ourselves.  It's evolution.  Remember in Eckhart Tolle's book he oh so bluntly says Evolve or Die?  Well, i think there is a Collective Awareness that that statement is not just an intellectual/spiritual one, but an Evolutionary Reality.  We are Evolving.  Whether we like it or not.  Whether we have any clue about how it might feel.  What the result might be.   For us personally, but in that as part of Humanity as a whole.   So i thank you for helping me get somewhere with it all this morning.  i feel now like i have a direction...at least for Time Being...and that's all there is, Right?, Time Being?

 

So  i wanted to get this down here.   Because i feel like i'm on a roll.  I feel like i am rolling forward through to the other side of Sorrow...at least for the Time Being.  And here are my Teachers, my Touchstones for this part of the trip.

 

photosynthesis

 

Sky Beetle

 

my son's daughter,  Giana Lily Alluvial Fan

 

Goats

 

 

 

 

the work of Mary Evelyn Tucker

 

the work of Kristin Ohlson

 

The new thought of COLLECTIVE CONSCIOUSNESS

 

These things.  Good Enought for Time Being.  and eeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEE.  what a Relief!

 

 

 

a Saturday that feels like a Sunday

 

photosynthesis 

 

finished and over in the shop.  The moon is Deb Lacativa.  

 

the little wisp of green,   just an incidental snag from a Deb Lacativa.  So small that it's almost nothing at all,  but so wonderful because it made me think that that might be like what memory is made of.

that's it for today.   Am going Out and going very very slowly through the end of day things.  Very very slowly.

LATER:

 

 

carrying the sky on H/ir back 

 

goodness

nothing out of the Ordinary.  Goats.  Growing stuff.  Stitching.  Reading.   just a day that i would wish for Every single living being on this Planet.

 

this is It.  a few stitches more.  but....this is it.   and it IS,    a love letter.

Wondering. Am i looking too hard at Sorrow?

Before i went to lie face down upon Earth,  i was given word from my old mentor in my other life, Kay.  She said....GO.  NPR.  Terri Gross ~ Fresh Air ~interview May 10th with Sam Baker.  Go.  listen.  she said.   So this morning, first thing, after my face being "in the face" of Earth,  i did as i was told.   It is Extraordinary.   He is an Extraordinary,  Plain,  and  Honest  human being.   So, i don't know if it was face in Earth,  listening to this interview or a combination of both, which i think is the truth,  but i felt as if my whole self  was so excruciatingly OPEN.  I can't describe it in any other way.  That has to do.

and then as i moved through the Morning Things,  i thought about the above question.  Am i looking too hard at Sorrow?  For sure,  there has been a ummm,  quickening,  of the sense of Urgency for this planet,  this Earth.   and i always have that hesitation before posting about that because i know it's not Easy Listening.  So as i weighed talking about this Interview with Sam Baker, i asked self that question.  Am i looking too hard at Sorrow?,  Or,  do i just need to stay,  Looking,  for as long as it takes,  to See and/or Go 

Through 

it...to what's on the other side,

it's not like there are not all the truly beauty full things here still.  They are here, holding steady.  Like the PROFUSION of yearling Whiptail lizards,  so amazingly brilliantly BLUE,  their faces, bellys, tails.  There is,  that today i brought the Goats back into the Way Back and watched their JOY at RUNNING.  and felt their Joy so much.. Inside me.   And the Happiness,  the soft sweet Happiness that with the distraction of the doe Goats not so near,  the buck Goats simply received me in their Pen,  received me,  among them,  saying words,  scratching the good places,  well...just Being with them.  

one of the things i thought of doing is to just post pics.  no words.  till i am .....Through.  Through to the other side.  

but then,  Toot Toot,  my most loved UPS woman with:

The Soil Will Save Us    ....   Kristin Ohlson   ....  2014,  Rodale Press

here so fast.  

and i opened it,  and read it's dedication:  For Holland, Sylvie, and all the inheritors:                                Don't be meek!

and i looked at her face on the back flap....yes.  this woman Is.  Kristin Ohlson is a writer, it says.  "based in Portland Oregon.  Her work has appeared in the New York Times, Christian Science Monitor, Salon, Discover and elsewhere.  Her article about burning coal mines was collected in Best American Science Writing 2011.  She is also the author of Stalking the Divine, which won the American Society of Journalists and Authors' 2004 Best Nonfiction Book award, and the coauthor of the New York Times bestseller Kabul Beauty School."

and i thought, maybe it can go this way.  As i read,  and i have already begun,  i can post here what i am reading.  and if it goes well,  as in,  what she has to say,  i can live in side the HOPE.  yes,  the HOPE,  that the soil will save us.  That we will be able to allow that to happen.  and as i thought that,  i thought about how i will say sometimes that Earth,  this Planet,  has an Intelligence that surpasses our own.   Could it be?   like, Really?  like more than just the words say?  

and maybe.  maybe that's what's on the Other side, of going through Sorrow?  maybe not.  am still thinking.  and still not knowing.  but soon...i Will go back out and lie,  face into Earth.  because i Want to.  i really really Want to.

 

looking out this Morning.  How i usually look Through this,  but today i looked At it.

 

 

and Into it...seeing how one of the stones that's "from nearby" has crumbled into it's components, exposing a perfect crystal of flourite.  

 

invisible baste,  anchoring things.  Looking.

 

 

 

and again.  Terri Gross  Fresh Air  NPR  interview with Sam Baker  May 10th, 2014

a lot of stuff floating around in the ether

i used to not think much of Butterflies.  Thought that they were frivolous.  Flitting here and there.  I was into Moths.   Workers of Dark Night, Moths.   This morning, this piece of a pod from the Snake Tree,  all crushed,  probably walked on over and over.   But looked so much like a Moth.

 

and to Celebrate not having to feel CRAZY anymore,  for this moment, at least,  i bought this.  Partly because i love the olives,  but also partly because i love the MARKETING of the olives...The label....the jar itself and Lid....and i thought maybe i would change Snowbunny's name to Divina and when i was Out There just now,  i told her.  Asked her.  and she thought it was interesting and fine,  but also only responded when i called:  Bun Bun............   So, it might take some time.

 

here we are.   This is it.   It's THICK,  heavy in the Earth parts.   It's GOOD.  really really GOOD,  this Love Letter..............

 

How something so HUGE can dissolve, disappear as if it never happened. Addendum.

This really has me thinking.  

but in this moment,  i find self not wanting to think at all.   I was just Out,  looking around.  it's almost Evening.   or 

it might be Evening, by the clock.   Sun tho is still strong and moving slow.  That Rim,  waiting.    As i was Out,  i was taken by the urge to lie down.   Having watched and listened to the link that Patricia sent the other day.  Grounding.  Earthing.  

so i lay down.  right where i was.   just in front of the cold frame,  near the Apricot Tree.  the earth there is packed hard,  it felt good on my hips,  my spine.    i stretched my arms out, horizontally from my body,   legs spread,  DiVinci style.    Tomorrow night is Full Moon.  Maybe i will go Out

naked.

even if it's a little cold.   even if.  and if it's just for a short while.   maybe tomorrow i will lay down on my stomach.  my Front side.   my forehead to Earth.  

On the website i found,  Resilience.org,  today an article called:  Can the Soil Save Us from Climate Change?  by Brie Mazurek   .............  Which speaks to the book that came out in April,  The Soil Will Save Us by Kristin Ohlson.    Can it?

 

 

 

Work Away day,  so only this much.

 

But Not.

It's late..nine something., late for Us....but they are Out There.  their hooves clicking and clacking away, so i went out and in, With Them and they are so Funny.  So Full of Themselves...flying this way and that,  here and there and it's not EVEN the Full Moon.  So...i let them lead me.  i let them

show me stuff.

Goats.  Doe Goats.  i learn.  Silly.  i learn Silly.

How stuff can go

This morning, for whatever reason,  i could not stand it one more day.   For almost a full month,  since April 15th,  there has been silence in the road.   Even when neighbor Margie's son was there on weekends,  she hardly appeared.   There was no "looking in the direction" of her son and i either when he was out.   Nothing.  Nada.  and  it was just slowly getting worse on this end.  I looked for a word that would describe the feeling.  Paralysis.   Whatever was happening in the day,  was immediately framed by not knowing what to do.  By not knowing any way to have things be ok.  By feeling that my "world" here was in a kind of Limbo.   It was the last thought before sleep.  The first thought upon rising to consciousness in the mornings.  It wove through Everything.  Paralysis.  To the point i couldn't even speak of it.  A few people would ask...Hows it going?... and all i could do would be to kind of look off.    And spending time with the Goats was hard.  What might become of us????

So.  This morning i wrote her a note.   Only facts.  no apologies,  no begging.  Just facts.  I said that i would be moving the Goats into the Way Back.  That i would not leave them there for prolonged times,  but move them Back and Forth.  That keeping them in the Front Pens was wrong to me.  That i had asked MANY people and for the most part they agreed that food cannot absorb smell.   That i had asked many people to smell this Place and that all agreed that it was Good.   And that to me,  the Goats are Jenny.  My daughter.  Margie knows Jenny.   and that I would not let Jenny down.  No matter what.  I didn't sign love or my name even.  Just that.  and i put the note into a plastic grocery bag with my almost full bottle of Patchouli Oil and an unopened (bought by accident)  box of Satya Sai Baba Patchouli Forest incense  (i burn Nag Champa).  and when i left for work,  i stopped and tied the bag to her gate.

i got home from work and the bag was gone.  i did a few things and the phone rang.  Her.  She talked of being so relieved that i broke the silence.   That really,  she can't smell the Goats.  That it was that one day,  and she doesn't know why,  and that she cannot stand it how it is.  There was exchange and we agreed " to just Bury It".    Her words.     It all was "just a dream".  Her words.   and i said Bueno.  that i would come by later.   and i tried to take a nap but couldn't.  the Energy of the paralysis remained.  it was so stong for so long it had become entrenched and i kept telling myself it was Over,  but as soon as i'd said that,  the energetic level of it arose again.  This is really interesting to me.   The Intensity of Response to Great Threat of Well Being.   i am watching.  Looking.  Watching.  Feeling.  

a little while ago,  her sister called.  She was at Margies cooking dinner and did I have some flour?

Yes.

so i walked over with it and we hugged.  we hugged.  and promised to always figure out a Way.

 

and here we go.   All you (me) have to do is put two pieces of cloth together.  Just that.  and it all begins.  The two know and ask for more.   so, ok.  and yes.  am Listening.  ok.

 

 

 

 

i get it a little

so...maybe i get it a little?...the real SHOCK of what this country is saying these days.  Sorry.  Sorry to all who don't want to hear it,  but ....

so i posted this pretty much Nothing.  a cloth.  atop the cloth a wad of other cloth.  River it said.

it's a River.  and now late,  after already posting,  the word River kept flowing and it brought with it  Talking Heads....take me to the river so i go to utube and click and there he is the crazy and magnificant David Byrne....Crazy and he's saying Take me to the River.

my whole life has a background of Songs.   Songs and Songs and Songs.  and i guess i thought it might always go that way....just a series of Songs....

Talking Heads