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Went to work first half of day. Spent afternoon just walking around, looking at mud, at hoses, squatting at buck pens, looking into their eyes...with which they communicate....eye contact....
I talk to much. To myself, in my head. I'd like to talk in my head less.
it's different.
i don't know if it will Last, but today, it's very different. No more Vocalizing first thing in the morning, then mid day and then evening. Silent, pretty much. Some calling but just normal Goat calling, not the Intense or Shrill. I watch them, from this distance, the house yard or even out the door. They pretty much are just standing and looking. Standing and looking. If the doe Goats are in the middle pen, they look at them. If they are in the Way Back, they just look in this general direction. I am going out and giving peanuts. I am also deep into thinking about Sensory Gates. I find that there are examples of this Everywhere, one of them being in the conversation with Jan who has very very specific gates she operates out of. When we'd moved the bucks, we stood in the Albatros next to the Doe bedroom where they all were, sheltering from the rain. We stood and looked and talked Goat. One of the things she said was "Your daughter is never going to come get these goats. There are plenty of goats in California." "Pick two of them that you like the best and let the others go". and there was silence. She broke the silence saying "Which do you like the best" and i looked at them, all gathered there, all listening to the conversation, and i said
All of Them. All of Them for different reasons, each one of them.
And she heard me and she understood what she was hearing but she also has very strong Gates. and she said.... "Pick two Let the rest go and don't have opinions about their future".
So i think about this today in the back of my mind as i go about going to work and then coming home to stuff here and i think about it. And i wonder what it would be like to have Strong Gates like that. To be so SURE of stuff, to not WONDER. Most of my Gates i think are made of vague stuff, i can't even in this moment think of an analogy, but just thin vague stuff. Hardly Gates at all. Maybe like of old very weather and time worn string that can break and dangle.
I don't know.
i don't think there's anything visible in this pic but i invisible basted pretty much the whole Left as we look at it. Doesn't change the visual much, but does make a great difference to the FEEL of it.
and after Waiting, it's Time to go back to this one. See what wants to come here.
So, ok. ok.
It's ~quiet~ Out There. This is what i am noticing first. It's quiet. This time of day there's been great snorting, shrill whistles, a kind of odd trumpeting like Elephants do, gutteral groans and some times a Scream. None of these words are right, but i can't sit and think of righter ones. There's nothing left in me for that right now. This evening tho for the first time in i don't know how long, it's totally silent except for WIND. Everyone is fed. Everyone has clean water. Everyone has a place out of the Rain.
~.~ This morning Sun rose and i watched the clock till it was 8 and then dialed Jan the Dog Trainer. Who has sheep, goats too. I told her i was sorry to once again NEED. But i needed. She said ok that as soon as her hay was delivered she'd call back and come. Sometimes she is stressed by her own Necessities but today she wasn't. Sure, she said.
Then it began to RAIN. Again. and it kept raining. At about 1:00 she called. Hay delivered and put in place. She was ready. "It's RAINING" i said. Her response: "So What." She asked the size of area where the bucks are, to determin if she needed to bring one of her dogs. No. ok. so there she came down the road. I watched for her. I put Tay in her crate just to make it easiest, no comotion and let her in the gate. As we walked to the Albatros in pouring rain she said "You need these" She carried two crooks. A leg crook and a neck crook. (you can google crooks) We went into the buck pen and i showed her Nogal and Tenzen. Gideon was snorting me wanting attention, Sunny Ray just standing very still and alert. Nogal and Tenzen wary. So she tried a little with the crook, showing me how they work but also they were not working on Nogal, a master of a Spin that set him free. Tenzen she couldn't even use the crook for except once. And it was pouring rain.
All the while Sunny Ray and Gideon were standing there, Sunny Ray watching, Gideon wanting love, so she said...they go. Change in plans. Sunny Ray got a looped leash and i hauled him out and over, Gideon coming agreeably along with the crook. DONE.
DONE.
DONE.
Painless. Kind but without emotion. That's her. No emotion.
If you remember, Tay stayed with her for a few days before coming here to make sure she would be OK with livestock. Just a few days. I had put Tay in her crate when i saw Jan coming down the road, just to minimize comotion. So when we were finished with the Goats, i asked her if she would come in for a minute and see Tay. And.........
And i am teary writing this. When she came in the door, Tay barked her Great Stranger Danger bark but as i unhooked her crate door she
Recognized
and she was Unbelievably HAPPY to see her, so beside herself with happiness,, so trying not to express that happiness by jumping or pushing or or or but she was SO HAPPY and Jan laughed and congratulated her on becoming such a Great Dog and well, it was just so Wonder FULL. Like really WONDER FULL...to watch this dog greet someone she KNEW....so different than those she doesn't know. How so totally Brilliant a being she is in her Remembering, her Love.
And then it pretty much Rained all day until not all that long ago when i went out and cleaned the does feed bowls and dried them and took them their pellets
and walking back toward the house i " saw" something. I saw/sensed something. Do you see the small rock at about 3oclock out from the tree? Maybe i'll wait till this gets posted to say it better. Anyway, lost in my own head, walking, that Thing says....Hey, grace, Look.
there, with all these Goat feet. So, what do we know off hand? That a caterpillar made its way across that barren expanse, amidst GOATS and found this rock. This rock that seemed to be good enough. A small sheltered place, and went inside and created this chrysalis. How long does that TAKE? i don't know. I need to find out. I must have walked past this rock a hundred times while it was going on. But here we have it.
I intervened. I brought the rock up. Here it's on the railing. But then, as it began to rain again, i set it down behind the door where it would be sheltered.
There is SO MUCH. SO MUCH to be learned from all this....to be absorbed and assimilated. Just So Very Much. And ok. I am going Out There and see what's going on in this first night of Peace.
....................it's Dark now. Time to sleep. To dream. and the First Night in a Long Time that there is sleep without Anxiety. A night when nothing is expected but sleep. No fear. Nice. Nice.
Look what i did.
I made a lake.
Left the hose running when i changed water for the Bucks. It goes out the gate and along the road. I can't believe i did this.
I flooded Tay's major stick stash, where she keeps her Alphabet sticks.
She wasn't sure where to put them.
there's really no way i can tell you how to look for them and they blend in so well, but there came DRAGONFLIES. News travels fast. Faster than i would ever imagine. There were several.
So i decided to bite the bullet and called the guy up the hill who never wants to go home and yes he could come at 1 oclock. Because Alberto and his ranch guys never showed. So ok and he is here around one oclock and all he has to do is stand there really, i explain it very well, but he is moving around and coming up with senseless ideas and i try to lure Nogal out but he wasn't buying it. So after about 20 minutes or so we give up and i say OK, Thank You. And go to pay him but he says he has brought some feed sacks and would like to load them with bark from the fire wood splitting and feed scrap and i say ok and he needs to take breaks now and then and he is slow as molasses anyway but the breaks are a whole hand rolled cigarette long and it went on and on until finally at about 5 oclock i say...you need to go now and he goes. All the while i need to stay out there, he has so much to talk about and i pull weeds and say uh huh and he talks and talks and talks.
Toward the end of all this i hear a honk honk honk and it's Alberto who says they worked very late and came by earlier and saw all the water in the road and decided i was flooded and his guys don't work on Sunday but maybe monday and Come here, he says and i go closer, he is sitting in his truck, the door is closed and he gets my arm and pulls me a little so he can hug me and i back off maybe 6 ft and he laughs and says Come Here, i say NO, he says but just a little, i say NO repeat repeat repeat he tells me how much he likes my eyes and that i am so Soft and say Thank You for the compliment but NO. He says but your husband died so long ago and i say yes and thank god but NO ! He laughs and drives off.
So, now what. Time for Plan D. What would plan D be? I have to think of Plan D. Faustino, the Officiator at the Dump has goats. What would it maybe mean to him if i asked him?
I heard them. looking up, and you will need to double click.
woke way too early. built a small fire and began reading this.
If it continues to be as it is in the beginning....28 pages so far...., it might be the only book i read for the rest of my life. That when i reach the last page, i will return to the first and begin again.
so at 28 pages i had to stop. So much. if i continued, too much at once. I sat staring into the fire. At some point i looked up and actually SAW something that i have been seeing for a few days now.
something i had created
changed form. Creating its Self.
the longer i look, it seems as if it is about to Speak...make Sound.
so i'm going to just leave this at this point, it's going to become light and there may be a very full day ahead. I will look, inbetween things, all day and maybe know more by the end? I don't know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~LATER~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
one of the Copper/Bronze mornings
while waiting for Alberto and the ranch guys, i went back and found this. How it was my Weaving for Jude's Considering Weave. At first i thought it was really not much, but over time, liked it more and more for what it WAS. It hung free from the beam to the ROOM for a long time but then came over to this wall. A little while ago a stray and wild wind came into the house and changed things.
And from the book, Plant Intelligence and the Imaginal Realm on about page 31, i read about Sensory gating channels.
"Sensory gating channels can be thought of as tiny apertures or gates or doors in specific sections of the nervous system's neural network. They are similar to the lens of our eyes
that can expand or contract as needed to increase or decrease the amount of data allowed in. They act to prevent sensory overload. In other words, if we consciously perceived everything that was coming in, simultaneously as it was happening we would be overwhelmed with sensory experience."
so i closed the Gate to this Cloth Being and opened the gate to OutSide and the issue of Buck Goats. i prepared. Totally. and Waited. and Alberto and the ranch guys never came. Never called. But i was totally ready for them. Gates. Gates in my mind. But still, there was this....LOTS of this. Love was in the air and there was mating going on like crazy. Double click and look at the eyes. Oh...look at the Eyes.
and the cloth held it's color. Here, it's not quite the redish that it is. But close. a Fine Fine scrap.
The day began like this
and then, on the computer desk. Still Life. I looked a long time.
And then, i went to Jude's and went off on a Small Journey carried by her quiet and focused voice.
I replayed and listened again. I wondered if i had in fact gone over to Jude's home, showed up in person, would the exchange be Better? Or could it be true that what is so of value to me in this Small Journeys post might have gotten Lost in the added dimension? and then i thought, is it even necessary though, to even make the Comparison? No. But to really look, See, truly what it IS, the REALness of online being.
in a conversation with Patricia the other day, she said this, and i'm taking it out of context but it was so important:
"the amazing cyber experience...it's almost as if cyberspace has put a face to the mystery of life....to the underlying energies and movement that are true" Patricia Spangler
and the words she wrote were perfect and they were a KEY to understanding Something i at present only sense. So i continue to think. What if there were no Spirit Cloth, no blogs i've come to know, no new ones i as yet have found but am sure are there. ???? And i thought how just this week i had gone to Scotland with Julie, to see incredible Art with Mo in Australia, to walk the rivers in the waterworld of the Netherlands with Saskia, to wander the streets and Great Doings of New Your City with Michelle, to look at a wonderFull compost Work in the Texas Hill Country with Liz. I travel. More than i ever could have imagined. And i stay here, HouseKeeping.
And all of us, if we were to spend a day In Person, how would we spend it? Would it be in the quiet focused way of a blog post, or would it be different? How Long would it take, in Person to arrive at quiet focus?????
These things are very interesting to me right now. Very important to me and where i'm At.
i hope it's visible when we double click to enlarge on the blog post. Won't know till it's posted, but i finished the preparation for the Big Buck Move. I ran fencing behind the horse trailer, attached to the present Chamber of Horrors that the Buck pen has become this week ...across and over to the North pen i have been working on. Attached with baling wire both sides. It's wobbly but i think just that it's There will work. They don't question fencing. And then you can see a roll of fencing infront of the Horse Trailer on the right, which we used when capturing Buckwheat last year. That gets attached to the wall of the Albatros. And i wrote a note to Alberto asking if his two ranch workers could come and help me make this transfer. My phone number. I decided that what i want most is that it goes smooth and quick. No comotion, no mistakes that could take hours to resolve. Ranch/Farm work is what they Know like they know their own names, animals they know. They are from Mexico and so have great honor in doing things Well. Dropped off the note at his house because he was off hauling alfalfa. They said he would call tomorrow. OK.
going past the table, i stopped and pulled this out of the little copper pot. WOW. i have no idea how i did this. it's still wet, dripping. i like to let them drip.
Tay is learning to spell her name. She made T for Tay all by herself.
On the way home from Alberto's, there was a Cottonwood branch in the road. Loaded it into the truck and stood in the truck bed when home, to fling it over the fence. A brief period of crunchy Ecstasy.
last but very much NOT least, Toot Toot from the Fed X lady and This. That i found out about when reading a small reply on John Hopper's blog from someone named Barbara Judge in Oregon. She mentioned it to him and i looked and
Here it is. Once again, this cyberworld. The author of this book lives in Silver City, about 3 hours south of here.
The first is the momentary kind that comes Unbidden and suddenly presents itself..., like hearing the call of the Cranes yesterday, out of nowhere, just there in that SKY BLUE SKY...the feeling. Or seeing a pic of Giana Lily Alluvial Fan on her father's facebook page, that funny smile, her eyebrows arched, and a tiny white rim of her first TOOTH.
or working away today, having No Mind when there is that Brain Alert: STOP LOOK and i look around and there....on just the next weed, this Friend. The JOY to see her. The JOY to sit quietly with her a while. We looked at each other long. Then to come in for the camera and she had waited.
The Second Kind of Happiness. Getting Things Done. Doing and Doing Well. Maybe called HouseKeeping, but this includes the entire Diorama. Mindfulness in the Mundane. Living like i do, there is always more to be done than possibly can be. So there is this steady mindfull Just Going. Not sporadic, but the key being ... Steady. Every Day. and This i think is my Greatest Happiness. It's a quiet and plain Happiness. It includes Cloth Making. Clothmaking is OF this kind of Happiness.
and i think the question arose the other day because there are times when i get phone calls or bump into people and they ask what i'm doing and really, i don't have an "acceptible" answer. Well, there's the Goats and my Cloth Work. and just keeping up with the OutSide, and the Inside, too. And often it's said, Well, when you get rid of the Goats........ with the idea that then i can DO things. Go places. Get Involved. SEE things. Meet NEW things. Different things. And really, maybe finally, i am truly coming to terms with the fact that i don't Want to, all of the above. That i like my mind being quiet and able to look long at one thing of interest at a time. That i really DON'T want to fill it with sound and movement and Otherness. And if i went anywhere, it would be with the dogs to the Canyon or over to the River. And that it's really just OK and FINE. And i don't have to feel lacking because of it. It's how i am. It's really, how i was as a child. A lot has gone under the bridge inbetween, but here i am. Happy with my own company, doing nothing much really.
it started with a test Fire. Going OutSide and looking at the chimney pipe to see if there was good draw, and yes. so ok.
The Corridor behind the Albatros from Back Pen to Middle Pen where the does are sometimes.
Now closed off. No fraternizing.
I'll dig trenches and sink cement blocks and bury the legs of these so they are maybe only 3 feet tall and then set the Wooden thing i got through FreeCycle atop it so that a Guy Goat can jump up and feel Good. This Far North Pen is right next door to the current buck pen. Separated by maybe, oh, i don't know...20ft? Close. So, like when Buckwheat was in here, they can stand at their fences and yell at eachother. I had tried to raise Sunny Ray and Nogal to be more well rounded Goats. But they're not. They're only what they are. Buck Goats. And i am letting that be ok inside myself. It's always been ok to them.
This is the little porch to the opening into the North side of the Albatros. Which will be closed to them. But it will be a good place in inclement weather. It actuall is the most sheltered place here. I'll put some straw under it.
the dark at the bottom is the bottom of my jumper. This is how CLOSE Tay is almost all the Time.
weeding
checking to see if she got the root.
But she did, also, do a lot of stick work. Carefully selecting certain ones (that i had originally piled neatly by the fence) and moving them about, kind of decorating. Some she took for herself, the curved long ones, took them to some where else. I ran over one when i brought the truck in this eve. Sorry.'
And i realized that this is what was so upsetting to me in the beginning when she first came. How i was so used to being Alone and suddenly, there was this Energy right in my space. But, it's now just "the" space and we both occupy it and it's become just ok. We work shoulder to shoulder. It's really more than ok. It's fine.
Part 1 All the kinds of Happiness as all the myriad beings experience it and this is really very much a Journal Page, maybe Pages, on going for a while, and it's important to say that i am referring to my own very singular sense of Happiness which i very well understand is mine and mine alone, that Others have their own truth about Happiness. We do not need to be the same. It's GOOD that we are not the same. It makes the Whole of What It Is. So i am just going to rattle away here for a while and lets not jump to any conclusion because things might change half way through. I'm just looking for something that i feel is about the Next. Right now i Don't Know. And if no one feels the urge to comment this is very OK.
Tay's Artwork. The other day for no reason i knew, i tied a strip of black and white at the North. Today i was Looking. And thought about the 4 directions, the 4 seasons. North Winter East Spring South Summer West Autumn. These from old Native teachings i studied long ago. So, i realized they still stand, these definitions of direction/season/human doings and the thing of Circle remains. There are many small things presenting recently, bits of conversations, things that hold me in place for long moments, fears that seem to be asking to be faced. And the Dreaming. The Dreaming has changed. Still as crazy as ever but people and things of TODAY are being incorporated. This i view as significant. It's New.
And yesterday, i woke to that "Narrator Voice"....that tells me it's time to Work. I've written something here about Narrator Dreams in the past, but i don't remember where. But again. The Question of the Narrator the other morning upon rising to Daytime consciousness was:
What makes you Happy? What is Happiness to you?
And as i sat there in the Morning Chair in the still dark, i realized i was Stumped.
I quit THINKING directly about this and let the questions simply be a very dim undercurrent to the day's doings. But they did remain as if painted in a very soft but vibrant pale blue color. Happiness.
So i don't think i want to say anything else about this this evening. Just Put It Here to come back to. And on that Woven Circle that Tay made, i did do something. I thought to tie threads on it to signify moments of the BRIGHT kind of Happiness....the kind that just takes your breath for a second before you move along. So i tied two strings today. One maroon one for Tay bringing me a grub and the second a bright turquoise for the oh so Excellent and Loving Sound of a Sandhill Crane this morning. A day early, they are Returning. MIGRATION. They are coming back. Which fills me with Such Relief and Such Deep Gratitude for the Mystery. Fills me with Happiness.
The cloth...just more grass seeds
Part 2
Mike of Thelma and Mike of Southwest Native Plants who i went Yerba Mansa hunting with a little while ago....called. He had also been investigating the Large White Grubs and had actually gone further than i got:
OK. Grubs can be identified by the configuration of their butt holes and the hairs around them. FACT. eeee. I looked and thought. and looked and thought. Do i want to go Out There and turn up a grub and hold it with my oh so great long forceps that i stole years and years ago from the University of Michigan and sit with a Magnifying Glass and look at it's butt? ACK and NO but...in the interest of Permaculture............................... maybe it's my responsibility. So i thought i'll sleep on it. Tay had been in and out all night. In/Out Out/In. and this morning as i set out to feed Goats, there in the middle of the path, a Grub. It's head was a little squashed but it was alive. When she digs them up, she just looks at them and then goes on to something else. But this one was placed in the exact middle of the path. I go back and forth on that path so many times a day that anything at all New stands out in Neon. Not to regular Vision, but a kind of Sensing that says: LOOK
so i had my gloves on and i just picked it up carefully and took it over to place in the jar lid and go back In to get the magnifying glass. And i looked. a Crescent butt hole. Wasn't sure about the hairs. Couldn't really see that well. But a Crescent butt hole. And i had to go to work so i left it in the lid
When i got home, it had died. Died.
Died.
Am still feeling this. Hence the Maroon thread on the Circle.
Out the Door Window to the Way Back early this morning. It was cold last night and they were hungry early. When they wake up in the Albatros, the first you see of them is one, usually Onday, standing in the little cut out doorway just looking. This time of year, it takes a while before they come out. Then they warm up in the sun, walking around, looking. At some point, they Migrate to the Way Back via the corridor. I feel so good about this....the Migrating. Once in the Way Back they mill around again for a while. Check the bowls for anything left over, scratch themselves on things, just mill around....until, it's suddenly Time. Usually it's Mercy that Sounds first. Then if i don't go right away, others will join in calling. After they have eaten enough to feel good, they lie down in the Sun. I was loving this morning how they still lay with their mothers, most of them. Some like Magic always lays alone. She prefers it that way. And this morning i was happy to see Barbara next to Snowbunny, her mother. Although Barbara is 3. They are the two right infront of the Big Stump and the Blue Chair. Snowbunny is curled up in a feed tub and Barbara is pressed against it. Her injured scur stump must be healed well enough to go back to normal. I like them this time of day particularly. Once in a while they will lay on their backs with their feet sticking in the air and looking like their dead. But not and i guess sometimes it just feels good that way.
Got ready for work and had some time. I'd dreamed of my old good friend from the days when i worked at the hospital. In the dream there was talk about "transitional outfits". We talked about everything possible in the staff room. A bunch of us on break. Why it was transitional outfits in the dream ...?????...but we used to laugh about that. How some needed to shop every autumn for the Transition from warm to Cold.....we would tease them. Anyway, i thought i'd take a pic of my new transitional outfit.
For whatever reason, i am not wanting to put levis on yet. So i am wearing one of two corderoy jumpers, a thick cotton shirt, leggings, wool socks and birkenstocks. The difference between outfit One and Two will be that the other jumper is brown, and maybe a different shirt. Otherwise, it's the seasonal "uniform". As i am taking this Selfie
Tay came in from outside and looked and was STARTLED by the image in the mirror propped against the bookcase.......ACK!, Her hair bristled and she growled and Barked and would not be reassured when i showed her the mirror turned sideways, no one there. And the rest of the day she's gone over to the corner in the ROOM to where mirror is parked all the time behind the chair, cautiously creeping near to look and softly growl.
At the farm market on the way home. It was busy. LOTS of women maybe 10 or more years older than me, all stocking up. Part of the reason I love New Mexico is the sound of spoken Spanish and then the Spanglish, the gentle tone inflection of happiness. Contentedness. Everyone was talking to everyone else and the only topic was stocking up for winter and the conversation was so simple, i have heard it a million times over and so have they, but they love, like LOVE to repeat themselves... Oh the chili and beans they will make, the burritos the enchiladas, with a fried egg on top, the stews. These are the same simple foods they grew up on, their parents grew up on, they feed their grandchildren. and beans. always there has to be beans. Every day. every day. Many of them were buying 25lb sacks. Some, TWO 25lb sacks. As we waited to get rung up, the woman in front of me looked at my little 5 pounder and asked me where i'm from. I smiled inwardly. and said Michigan. She said "and how long you are here?" and i said almost 25 years and she Laughed hard and said "then you are from Here now!" "But what?, you don't cook?"...eyeing my little bag of beans...and i said i am only one and her laughing stopped and she said "ooooo, poRacita"....that's phoenetic with a rolled R, i have no idea how it's really spelled, just how i hear it, PooRacita which means oh so sad, so sad and i am sorry.
began the seed stem of the Grass. this is good.
i used to refer to Wind as my Lover. A sign of the time, today i say Friend.
A long story, but today i went over to the Only business in Polvadera to see if the Antiques woman, Lee, still had that really really great copper pot. Nope, sold it a while back. So we talked of other things, mostly how she thinks she needs more sleep. So we talked about sleep. Got back and a phone message. Come back. So i did and.......
look at this Big Ole Copper Mama.......sort of on loan. I really don't know what to think. i can fill her with an inch above whatever plant material. Then as the water evaporates, there will be such a span of possibility for oxidation to occur, which i love. What to think???? Well, for now, she's here.
and this far. It's maybe a little hard to see the Grass's seed stem on the left, but it's the final "component" i think. Everything's good. Everything is murmuring.
