Vet due at 8 am to draw blood. EEEEeeeeeee..... So i am awake off and on from 3am, not wanting to sleep too long and not be ready. Which meant having everything in place Out There and Plan A for the dogs IN, which meant having their meat bones ready, them fed and enough time Out Side for personals. Enough time for me, my tea, and to try to compose self as best i could. And i watched self. My anxiety would not be noticable to anyone else. I have a sense of humor about it even in the midst of it, and though it might be what i would call Intense, it really isn't. It's just anxiety about the Unknown. Through it, i just go, as i always just go. You can't tell.
So they are pretty much on time. Him and a young woman in her early 20's. We smile and go directly to the Buck's pen. They stand there and i tell them my Plan. I will go in and give them pellets in the two bowls which is not standard morning proceedure and it will make them very happy, and will take the lassoo in with me. At some point, when TenZen is cheerily crunching pellets, i will gracefully slip the lassoo noose over his head and he will pull it firm and they can come in....hook the bungie on the gate so Nogal doesn't escape and ..........
Well, Goats. You can't fool a Goat. The crunching on pellets goes as planned but the second i lift the lassoo, TenZen takes off. Nogal gets excited. They Mill around. I put the lassoo down and TenZen comes back to his bowl and crunches. Repeat a couple times. The Vet opens the gate and comes in. Assistant comes in. I hook the gate behind them. Vet very quietly moves toward TenZen who is eyeing him very closely as Nogal is whipping around with his tongue stuck out and his upper lip curled...very bucky....the Assistant Girl stands very still and silent. Vet pickes up the lassoo and makes a try, TenZen deftly escapes and both Goats run behind the Airstream....their Querencia. I go to one end of that corner, Vet to the other and zippppp, they come flying around and "through" me only to return to that spot that they have chosen. This repeated twice. Then Leona, the assistant takes my place. Knees flexed, arms out and downward. palms of hands facing them. Vet is out of site on the left side and there is huffing from the Goats, Leona lowers herself a little more and then suddenly there is the Vet coming around carrying TenZen, one arm under his belly one holding the scruff of his neck. Both Leona and i come close as Vet puts him down and Leona straddles him. I am on the left with one arm under his head and one arm over his shoulders. Vet tells Leona to hold his head up and he swabs his neck and feels for pulse, feels for pulse, and draws enough blood to fill four vials. From the juglar vein. TenZen is still. His eyes far away, his heart beating. He does not move. Still. and then...that's it. Done. Release and he runs to Nogal and they spin around then go to the far fence and stand looking. Vet and young woman exit the yard, me saying i'll get the gate and i do and i go in and let Tay and Chinche Out and
i sit. Heart racing. Done. it's Done. What i couldn't imagine done is done. OK and Over. OK.
For the rest of the day Nogal and TenZen are particularly Full of It. There is a lot of head butting, a lot of sparing atop their shelter house, sometimes one winning and knocking the other off, sometimes the other way around. I went Out a couple hours later with a breast pocket full of peanuts in the shell and went in with them again and both came, as they always do, to be fed, fingers to lips.
All was Well.
All day i RePlayed it. Including the days leading UP to today, when i first made myself dial the number and make the appointment. I RePlayed and looked. Without any energetic input at all from me, it would have gone exactly as it did. All my STUFF, for naught. Totally for Naught.
i looked over at the Altar at that basket and thought....i MAKE myself a Basket Case. Why?
this is the softest piece of felt from Nanette....stitchandsow-homeandgarden.blogspot.com
i put it in the basket. Looked.
this Rock, from the great shore of Lake Superior in the Upper Penninsula of Michigan. Carried with me so long ago. Always with me since.
Tonight i will take it into the bed and if i wake, will place it on my belly. Feel the weight. Feel TIME from within that rock. Time that she has been with me, Time Before when she was only herSelf. Feel the weight of the rock. Feel it. Skin to Skin.
later i went Out to sit and look at this rock. Many crystals. I don't know what all it is.
it isn't Turquoise, but is the color of Turquoise
Mercy
Arctica, sister of Buckwheat. Doe with Natural Horns
They were aware of me sitting there, looking at the rocks, so they Came Through the migrational corridor....Front to Back, stopping to look at me on the way. Them. Those Goats.
I added a third root. How many is Right?
as the day went on, it became more and more overcast but then suddenly, there was SUN. Brilliant and Loving and Promising.
Right now, as i write this, Rain is falling hard and strong. During the night it will become
SNOW
so...again we Go. but it's all really, just Compost. Compost. That which Gives. I try to learn.
