but i didn't. Either time. I made a different choice. There are all manner of Views about how it goes with Life. That it's Random, and nothing means any more than anything else. That it's the Luck of the Draw and as Jude said about a Cloth she made that i bought, "maybe it's a hand you dealt yourself", and then there's Sacred Contract, Carolynn Myss and then the buddhist teaching of Karma. No matter, off and on we find ourselves at a crossroad.
Who would EVER have guessed that i would have ended up here, in my 69th year in Polvadera, New Mexico with 17 Goats. Four years ago, i would have never guessed. But then, really, through no direct CHOICE, it Was. All i actually DID was Just Go. Doing what was clearly Next.
So.
All this living with a herd of Goats is a real challenge for me. I am really not cut out for it. I have too many Feelings. Sometimes the FEELINGS fill up the entire day. Sometimes the entire night too. Today i finally dialed the Vet to come to draw TenZen's blood to test for CAE, CL, Tuberculosis, Brucellosis and Q fever as the Dog Trainer Jan has requested before she uses him to breed her does. Capturing TenZen and HOLDING him still enough for a blood draw will be traumatic for him, I THINK. Goats here are not ever required to do things that scare them. He will be scared. Only for a little while and then it will be only a memory but still.....I seem to have a Thing about scaring animals. People who raise livestock don't. Jan the dog trainer doesn't. the Vet doesn't. Anyone else i know who raised dairy goats doesn't. So here i am. Me and my Feelings.
And then, Jan the dog trainer UPs the Ante. (sp?) She would also like to buy one of the Registered Does. These would be the Daughter's does. My mind SPINS! Who????WHICH doe????? EEEEE and i slow self down and think. There is all of it i have said before here and a million more times in my head about the Purpose of these Goats, the Dairy Goats being to give milk to feed people who need Goats milk. From the beginning, when daughter first began, this was the Mission. Milk. That is what the heritage of these Goats here brings. Milk. Milk for People. Here, no one is in milk because again my FEELINGS. So. They just are having a life. It's a good life. But what about Purpose? And then, right now i am able to work enough to care for them. What happens if i cannot? What happens if i can't keep cleaning those 4 houses until i die? What about that? Pretty much, our Life Spans, me and these Goats are the same now. Give or Take. But if i die first, the ones left will be old and it will be ok. i guess. Close enough to ok.
So...do I let Jan the dog trainer take one of the daughter's does? My guess is that she would want Caroline or Lucky Star. So....which? Caroline is a very excellent Goat. She kids twins. She is not particularly attached to her kids. Weans them herself. She was easy to milk last year and gave plenty of sweet sweet milk. She doesn't love being milked but is ok with it. The more she is bred and milked, the more she will be ok with it. But she is one of the first that daughter bred that she was excited about. Then, good old Lucky Star who is a Dreamer Goat. She is different and is the one that came from Outside this herd and worked so so hard for her place within it. Lucky Star...I would never breed her again even tho she might be the Best for Milk, because she kids 4. The mother of Just Going that i wrote about the other day. To me, 4 kids are agony of What to DO with them. But then, Jan would not have those feelings. She would
"cull" any bucklings at birth.
as for the rest, even though there is a lot of trepidation about how i will be able to Care for them, i am in this moment unable to let them go. Ginger is daughter's favorite. Little Grace is a terrible Goat to try to milk. Snowbunny, Oona and Onday, well, they just live here. Period. And then the young ones, they are not registered, so for the moment are not a part of this Equation.
so this is where i am tonight.
