The Old Cowboy has been on the brink for a long time. In the last months, he has begun sliding.
To the extent that I gave in to the fact that it was time to bring Travis into the mix. I Had talked to him way back when Alz B. was still here, asking him if he might be willing, when the time came, and he'd said yes. Actually having the Old Cowboy meet him was no small thing. It was an acknowledgement that things are going downhill. But it is time. We talked about how things are now and how things will change and then in the Last Times, how they will be. Direct and sparing nothing. We talked about what he, Travis, and i could do between the two of us. And when necessary, The Best Nurse Cindy would advise us for more complicated care. And then...Hospice at the end. I have said before that OCB has no social skills. This is true. But he did have great
skill
at listening and adding his own sense of it all, making clear certain things that are important to him. And in those moments, I knew that we ARE in this for the Long Haul. What ever it takes. And that's new. For a while there, it seemed as if he would be going up to those cousins up the hill and would live out his time there. To be honest, i was glad. I was "excused". I could visit maybe, but not be responsible and even if it was ify there, i could uhhhh, think, well, it was his decision ...the old "you make your bed" thing. For those who are not familiar with American expressions...You made your bed, and now you have to lie in it.
So...thinking, Facing, i have said ok. OK. and whatever it takes. We are in new territory now.
With all this in mind, i have been wondering where i can find the fortitude that it's going to take and again and again, my Buddhist path is all that i can see. And in that Path, there are many Ways. Some that i prefer...Ways of Meditation....Empty Mind being first. But i woke last night to understanding that it's going to be Tonglen. And i sat up, got a Jacket and did Tonglen. Yes. Very Much, Yes.
This is a very rudimentary explanation of Tonglen practice from Pema Chodron:
"Tonglen is a practice for connecting with suffering...ours and that which is all around us. Instead of fending it off and hiding from it, you can open your heart and allow yourself to feel that pain, feel it as something that will soften and purify you and make you far more loving and kind.
Tonglen is a method for awakening the compassion that is inherent in all of us. We begin the practice of tonglen by taking on the suffering of a person we know to be hurting and whom we wish to help. For instance, if you know of a child who is being hurt, you breathe in the wish to take away all the pain and fear of that child. Then, as you breathe out , you send that child happiness, joy, and whatever else would relieve their pain. This is the core of the practice: breathing in another's pain so they can be well and have more space to relax and open, and breathing out whatever you feel would bring them relief and happiness.
Often we cannot do this practice because it brings us face to face with our own fear, anger, or whatever our personal pain happens to be at that moment. So at that point you can change your focus and begin to do tonglen for what you are feeling and for the millions of other people who at that very moment are feeling the same stuckness and misery. Maybe you are able to name your pain, maybe you can't, but you can feel it....a tightness in your stomach, a heavy darkness, or whatever. Just contact what you are feeling and breathe, taking in the pain for all of us and sending out relief.
People often say that this practice goes against the grain of how we usually hold ourselves together. Truthfully, this practice does go against the grain of wanting things on our own terms, of wanting it to work out for ourselves, no matter what happens to others. Tonglen reverses the usual logic of avoiding suffering and seeking pleasure and in the process we become liberated from the very ancient prison of selfishness. We begin to feel love for both ourselves and others.
Gradually, as you do this practice over time, your compassion expands naturally and so does your realization that things are not as solid as you thought. As you do this practice, you will be surprised to find yourself more and more able to be there for others, even in situations that used to seem impossible."
I am not afraid at all about the biological/physical challenges this will bring, this playing the end game with the OCB, but i need work about the stamina it will take. About changes that will come for him, my ability to respond to those with some kind of equilibrium. He is relying on me. He trusts me.
this is enough to say for now.
have been Looking for it and right in the middle, on the fence, the arch. It's a rocker that i cut off a rocking chair. Here, it represents the Passage Way, the Gate, from this Place over into the New Space. Enough for now too. I tied two strips of the Toad Egg cloth and one
red
scrap. Will let this stand for a while. Maybe more needs to be there. I don't know.
on the ground there, in front of that section of fence, between the two Buck yards, is piled all manner of scrap wood that has "potential" . I'll need to move it. Pile it more concisely. As with the small pieces of fencing that are there too. It is here that i need to begin digging a grave for Gideon. So it's ready when needed. It takes a lot of digging for a big Old Goat. Nothing to be done in a day. And so, it's him too, that i know that this practice of Tonglen is being called into play for. And Chinche who is beginning to become.... frail. There's a way to do all this with Love and a kind of steadyness. Am looking for that. Steadyness.
while fooling with how to make the energy of Air visible here, this happened. I love it in black and white. Someday i will make a Cloth of black and white as close to this as i can.
It's almost dark now. It's snowing.
