windthread

May 21st.....from start to finish, well, close to finish, a Very Certain Day.

just in the last hour or so,  a GRAND STORM

direct lightning strikes,  Thunder Man LOUD,  everything runs for cover.  Sky Water.  and now a brilliance of Light at the Rim.

This morning i woke to thinking about the Bath Ladies.   I guess because it's possible that Travis, the Old Cowboy's Shower Guy might be leaving to go to Heavy Equipment School in California.  This brings Blanca to mind.   The Bath Lady for the Hospice Program we are deeply Into now.  If the Beloved  Travis goes,  Blanca will come.

I first met Blanca when Alz B had her first knee replacement.    I met her again when Alz B had her second knee replacement.  Haven't seen her since.   But my mind knows her very well.

She appeared at Alz B's home out of the blue as part of a home health team.  Alz B was not yet at the Old Folks Home,  but following a downward spiral in that direction.

Blanca.  A Large dark woman with Vivid wine red lipstick and large complex dangle earrings.  The first time,  me thinking i needed to mediate between a belligerant  Alz B and a quiet new Blanca,...

wrong.

Firmly and swiftly Blanca herds the protesting and snotty  Alz B into the bathroom.  I hear water running then seemingly in the blink of an eye,  the whir of the blow dryer.  Alz B is escorted, all spiffy and lotioned to her chair and Blanca says into the air,  Thank You,  i will be back on Wednesday.

Bath Ladies.  Going About,  bathing strangers.   Kind.  Efficient. Capable.

I wake this morning,  thinking how meaning FULL this is.  How of GOODness and Greatness it is to Bathe people who no longer can bathe themselves.  

and i begin working of my Cloth of Protection...you might know where this is going if you have been around long enough.

Meaning.  Use.   Nothing Big,  just what it is.  Meaning.  Use .  An everpresent pulsing thread.  There is Blanca,  somewhere in Socorro County bathing someone.  Here am I.  Stitching myself a Cloth of Protection.  Cmon, grace.....

but then there is an email.  Go look.  HandEye.  Google HandEye Magazine click Textiles...the article,  New Possibilities by Wendy Golden Levitt.

and there

the Tay Cloth.  On a drum with small hands.   To see this in this beauty FULL essay by Wendy,  this Tay Cloth,  lying on the drum,  the hands,  also is to heal me.  Works to heal the thing in me that is forever wondering about MEANING and my place in and of a Meaningful Life.

Over the course of the many years of my life,  I have allowed myself to become good at many things.  But that underlying thread of that question of Worth, remains.  I am old now.  You'd think i'd have "gotten over it".    But i need to admit,  not.   So this essay,  this Story i read ,of course, makes me feel such honor and Goodness that Wendy included some of the cloths i have made as examples of Textiles she and the children use.....for the Work....to Heal.....

but today i look at the Tay Cloth on the drum.  In the past,  Wendy chose  Cloths and once requested a Cloth for a particular purpose.  But the Tay Cloth...i sent.  The Tay Cloth  representing something in me and something that the Being,  Tay dog,  represents in my life...this cloth...i didn't know about.  Would it be,, uhhh,  too much?  Too uhhh,  too  raw?  Unacceptable?  

i am so HONORED that Wendy's Children find things in these Cloths.  That there is Common Ground for Us,  kinship through Cloth itself.  It allows me to be OF them.   

it gives a space...for that question that always arises...that  parental question...

"who do you think you Are?"

They are dead.  my parents.  but i continue to ask the question for them.

More tomorrow.

ADDENDUM

i forgot

 

as far as it got today.  The Electrical Co op came and made their marks.  The phone people came and made theirs.   So...tomorrow,  the back hoe.   It is VERY up against the fence.  Very.

and the Cloth....that helps me answer the question of why me?,  why not,  All You?

the sky is finished.   All afternoon, the Earth.  But i think this is going to be It.  Thread.  Brown Thread through a single strip of cloth.  Tomorrow.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

a heads up....Thursday at Noon

the water guy is going to fix the leak at the road meter.  This involves a backhoe and so, he needs what he refers to as a    Phone Spot;    this being through the phone company....to be sure he doesn't cut the phone line.  So he's off to arrange all that and get the back hoe.  Ok.  he says it's going to be easy...

"i won't have to take down your fence or nothing"   

silent scream on my part

so,  just in case i am disappeared for a few days or....... (computer is through the phone line)....

 

 

realizing....i've been a little Lost

urge came a few days ago and today was the day.  The Magic Diaries cloth.  I'd taken it down from the West window of the Room,  some time ago...i think last fall?  And just hastily folded and put into the Toy Box that holds winter things inside and that the baskets sit on at the Looking Wall.   I had some feelings at the time,  like knowing it needed to be washed.  Knowing that there are many small things that needed to be done before washing.  The crows for instance, are barely basted in place.  More.  I don't know why i felt so short of time,  at That time,  but i did and it felt very uneasy,  just putting the Cloth away,  but i did.

Prior to that,  it had hung in that West Window as a curtain for probably close to two years.  MUCH  constant exposure to direct SUN light from the whole South facing windows.  A long time.

on the futon couch this morning.

then back over on the Wall.  

i sat here and scrolled through Picasa looking for when i was making it....Jude's Magic Diaries....i had no idea what  year that was, really,  so i just scrolled and scrolled and while scrolling was surprised by what i was seeing...some beauty Full things that i hardly remembered,  but they're there,  so i know i made them....

this for instance

and i got to look at this again,  almost 4 years ago,  Granddaughter Alyssia's son,  Julian in the dust of Polvadera.   And it was good to stare at this,  speaks to me about Beginning Again.  Beginning "clean",  nothing but Interest,  Focus,  on just the Senses.   And i finally found a pic of the Magic Diaries Cloth

 

the date is May 19, 2012

so i guess that's around the time of working on it?   

it has  faded.  a LOT.   What was the central backgound was a kind of slate blue that i made with Colorhue dye.  The two outside panels a pale version.  I vaguely remember using Colorhue Black and getting this perfect color by accident.  

today it is almost a kind of sand lavender,  the outside panels just a well,  uhhh,  variations of a kind of clay color.   But there are things here that thrill me.   For the most part, very small things.  So,  I want to stitch what needs it down well enough.  I want to wash it in the bathtub and hang it Out in the Wind.   and then bring it in and LOOK for a Long Time.  I want to add to it some things that i've learned since,  mix them in.  I want to do what might be called....finishing it.  Finishing it to at least this point in time.   Will i put it back up on the West Window again or fold it up and put it back in the Toy Box.  I don't know.  Enough for today.

and i need to say that the Lizard Cloth at the center top is Jude's work...she had sent it and i needed it there,  at the Center Top.   Where she remains in me,  the Center Top.

Finished the dark stitches of the Protector.   Which brought great relief.  Yesterday was a very difficult day and i floundered.   Today,  this Cloth held me.  

 

 

Time. Time = days of a Life. Time. LifeTIME.

an Old Cowboy Day.  no point in saying anything more.  Gone.  Done.

Wardrobe.  I have two intact pairs of levis.  I alternate them.  And i have This pair that i love the most...fit the Best.  Time.  Time to FIX them because they are the ones i love that fit the best. a Third pair.

 

 

Looked before i went and looked more,  much more when i got back

the Chocolate Flower plant is creating a bloom.  This,  just weeks after i brought the plant here and set it in.  2 weeks?,  3?   I looked so long and out and out again to look,  squatting there,  looking,  how it is such an act of faith in a way,  for this plant to set her roots deep enough,  sure enough and all the while,  begin making a

bloom

Salt Cedar,  setting the second round of blooms and there are zillions of Bees...literally,  zillions of bee s  at a plant that is on the Noxious Plant list.  But the bees.....

tracking...a woman and her partner/friend/dog    the marks we made yesterday when i let the water from the hose connection leak for the Mint

what is Praying?

i don't know the answer to that.   I do

something

like...uhhh,  Asking?   Asking Nothing in Particular, but rather The ALL of Whatever It IS?  i ask.

i say....could this happen?  and let it Fly.

Came home from work away

added

took away

looked.   a print out in black and white

put with Tay's reWorked Basket Piece....a collaboration

a small print out...placed in Patricia's  Walnut dye breathing basket   followingthread.wordpress.com

what is a "prayer" basket here

perfect

The Front Oasis.  Hopefully,  left to right looking North NorthEast.

 

 

 

 

 

 

the raft is becoming a Mallow Garden

one notch back to the left,  there is Abundance with the Native Olive.  Winter abundance for the Birds.

my only laziness....unloaded the Goat pellets and did Not take the car back out....tomorrow.  Good enough.

Lamb's Quarters...i graze as i work,  eating them raw

 

ASPARAGUS!!!!  2 OF THE 7...up,  through the mulch....i wonder if i should clear the mulch away?  Maybe it's too much to penetrate?  but these did......???????   I had not looked at all this week with WIND and RAIN....

so slowly changing

AND

oh,  and eeeeeeeeeee   AND,  stitched down and the total Joy of this...in this moment it is a  Protection Mask for Ordinary Cloth Women for cannibalism of Time,  both from inner and outer entities.   

am always thinking about the thing of Usefullness....Both Jude and Deb G talk of this and i always think....stuff i make is really,  NOT useFULL....but this would be.  It's fierce and i think will prove to be effective.

i LOVED,  just beyond LOVED stitching these down...some scraps of Deb Lacativa,  a Thrift Shop skirt scrap,  a small piece of Liz's rust cloth as are the Eyes.    Just cannot say how satisfying it was,  the FEELING of it...just well.....

 

 

yesterday becomes today

Wind slept but returned before Light this morning bringing yet more rain.  So i went back to where i'd left off...

thinking about the love of rags,  of raw fragments which led me to thinking about GraceandMending.blogspot....so i go check to see if there is a new post.  No.  She must be deeply into her other work,  but nonetheless,  i can re read the last post of September 19, 2014.  A Rag a Day post.   And there,  something for the Wind Horse Cloth, she said and there is the first photograph,  a piece of gauze with the caption: " Triangle of unbleached cotton gauze,  folded along the bias.  Wrinkled where it had been tied to make a sling, found, untied,  two doors down on the lawn."  And i read the whole post again,  i don't know how many times i have read it so far,  but it is an extraordinary post and each time i am filled with so Much.    Go look.  you will be Glad.

and it's still RAINING through the morning so i go to On Being...a Saturday event for me....and find  Maria Popova.  Interview entitled:  Cartographer of Meaning in a Digital Word.  A young woman, such a Wide Open heart and MIND.  Her blog is Brain Pickings.org.  I learn a new word...Marginalia.  Ahh.  i am redeemed.  

and with all this,  i pin some things

 

maybe.

Then...SUN and i am Out and working and so beautyfully lost in the work.  Happiness.....

more about Add Ons...the JOY of letting them go

Today,  a perfect Practice.  Two Things present.  Two Things become something Entirely Different.

It was work away  at the Once a Month Peggy place,  and even though she is a perfectly Excellent person,  i really do NOT like cleaning for her.  And no need to detail why,  i just DON'T.  But i am.

so.

off and on in the hours i was there,  thoughts rose as they do in waves and today were replaced by

Cleaning.

   As soon as the "conversation in my head between THOUGHTS,  not even me involved , really,  just the Thoughts talking,  i would simply label that,  or name that,  Thoughts, and replace with the focus word, Cleaning.  And so time sped by and i was Done and i could  Flee,  which i did and stopped by the Old Cowboy's for a minute where thoughts again began their conversation in my head and i noted this and replaced by Visit.  

In both cases,  i would turn my attention to the Breath.  to Breathing.  As Salzberg says,  Breathing is our Friend.

Home and a short nap.

Waking from the nap by WIND.  HUGE and CRAZY WIND....as was predicted by Accuweather.  Here it was/IS still....seemingly from all directions at once...Crazy   and again,  Perfect Practice.

Just the word WIND.        NOT ....JEEZ,  it's May and this Should have happened in March and be over with by now,  what about all those lingering baby apricots?,  they can't withstand this, and maybe it's today that that weak part of the fence will crash,  i should have taken care of that, but HOW?  who will i get to help me shore it up with that LOOOONG 2x4 that i haven't even bought yet,  WHY? and maybe Margie's granddaughter can help, she's only 9 but she can hold up the opposite end and  Blah Blah Blah

so i just say WIND.

i watch the doe goats who RUN back and forth from the Albatross  through the Migratory Corridor in to the Way Back then back...FAST,  they run back and their tails are like flags

WIND.  it's just WIND.  

and i remember reading about how  Pliny the Elder, AD 23 - Aug 25 AD79 , a Roman Naturalist,  Natural Philosopher  advised to bring the mares in during times of wind like this because they by nature turn their butts into it and can become impregnated by that WIND,  and so bear offspring that are extremely FAST,  but not long lived and i wonder about Goats....it's a better thought than the Add Ons.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and i look and look at shreds of Cloth,  it's Elegance,  just as it is.   To choose something for those line eyes

my Assistant observes

it is a really Very Good Day

 ADDENDUM

it's 9:34 pm  Wind is still.  Gone Back to where ever it sleeps,  back over the Rim.  It's Quiet now.  Still.  Everything is Still.  as if it always has been.  

interesting..............

 

continuing, but not, continuing turning into Just Going

I got up during the night and looked at what i wrote...Oh Cripe, grace....

and Of Course,   i Can't be Jude or Judy Martin.  I would need a different life and i really wouldn't Want a different life,  i want This Life,  whatever it is,  I  want to finish up this Me thing.  

and again,  amazed and delighted by the very early morning reflection on the refrigerator...soon,  the Light will change and it won't happen anymore,  but for now, it's nothing less than Magic

the new growth of the Apricot...leaves that look so much like blossoms

right on top of a basket,  this.  Of Deb Lacativa.  I do not Ever remember seeing it before?!..?  it looks like a conch shell here

More lines and now,  will need to just lay loose threads to understand the form for any future stitching...close now...

maybe it should be shorter

Add Ons

The STORM was GRAND.   It was Wild and Unrelenting and Crazy.  And finally,  it spent Itself and became Rain.  Steady.  It rained all night long.  It was still raining this morning when i woke.  Finally,  it was enough according to its Self and stopped around 9 am.    The Sky returned to a sky blue Sky and Wind was strong but easy.

as always,  the effect of Sky Water is immediately evident.  What were transplanted seedlings the day before are now Tomato Plants.  Strong and Sure.

the Wild Sunflowers and showing their purple edges and thick veins

Overnight the berries of the Three Leaf Sumac began to blush their color.   So many berries this year...the birds have abundance.

All this i could have anticipated during the Storm last night.  I could have sat in the dark and KNOWN,  because i DO KNOW these things.  I could have just sat,  following breath and BEING a small human inside a tin house with a STORM outside.

I am good at meditating when i am Sitting.  That is no longer such a challenge.  And it has changed my life a lot.   But now,  i am noticing the Not Sitting times and finding self wanting very much to bring the Sitting Self into the rest of my day.    And this can come by understanding and practicing how Sharon Salzberg teaches...the thing that i am looking at now....Add Ons.   There is the actual experience and then there is what is added to it because of habitual response.  The Add Ons.   For me the Add Ons are sapping Energy that i am no longer willing to give.   The replay of mistakes and regrets,  the things we can't Undo and/or the Projections into a future that may or may not ever come.   It's the Experience of This Moment i am looking for,  clean and unattached.

like how these strands of cloth just wove themselves because of Wind

So, the Add Ons.  This storm was a perfect example.  I really LOVE these kinds of Storms,  Electrical Storms,  but i watched my thoughts run....all the things i  just don't "take care of"....

wheelbarrows left this way

and the Perfect Example of an emblem of Add Ons...the back door that WAS a screen door that Alz. B's  X husband,  father of Bill built and Bill likes so much that it is my door and how daughter Jenny and GrandDaughter Alyssia and i transformed it into a door of wood and glass but how it really doesn't Work...like doesn't Fit...you can see the cracks of light

and here is how it stays closed with wind,  the knob mechanism is beside the point,  the door and the wood door casing swells and receeds with rain and Dry and this morning i needed to put in yet another link to keep it closed incase Wind tried to pull it open which would be ok except for the fact that then the Goats would come into the house  and .....The GOATS....what am i DOING???!!!! with all these GOATS??????and really WHAT is Jenny Thinking????  What's going on with her???? What did or What did i  NOT do that is causing what's going on with her and i just very much MISS her and don't understand, and will she EVER be willing to talk about what it IS or not and what will i DO about the Goats????  Is it OK that they are just here and loved out of Circumstance not their own and What is it,  a circumstance of a Goat?   And back to that door and how i keep it closed against Wind,  that "voice"  that says:  no normal person lives this way

who says that?

I'm not sure

but then really,  no one i know or have ever known has/had a door like this....?????  and what about Chinche...it's hard for her when it's raining, she is frail,  and then what to do when she dies?...Tay would be not great as a single dog,  i'd have to get another dog for her,  a dog friend.......Oh Jeez, another dog and how to find another dog that would be ok with the Goats....

ADD ONS.

there's more.

they are totally unnecessary.  Have NO REAL MEANING,  just wildness of mind.

Tired of it.

Had to go to the Old Cowboys today because hospice nurse Annette didn't show yesterday and came today and i didn't want to need to be going but i had to.  So...i worked with it.  I for sure WAS going, because i needed to.   So ok.  Try to minimize the Add Ons.  Try to just go and do it and not Project into the future.  It was ok.  it was NOT GOOD,  but it was very much ok.  

This is what i am working on.  It's Good Honest Work.

 

      ..................................................Addendum................................................................................

i pushed Publish on the Above and walked away from this screen,  but the question came,  well, ok,  What's the Problem?, grace?

Answer:  I want to be like Jude.  I want to be like Judy Martin.  I want to be someone who is a Cloth Person.    I want to have my days revolve around Cloth Making.  I want them to BE Cloth Making.

they aren't.  Part of them are,  but just Part.   And as i type this,  there is a uhhhhh,  a  sadness?  a longing?  an ache?   So...this is something to work with too.  OK.  i breathe Out a great breath.  OK.

take a long look at this.