windthread

i LOVE

as it goes when there's a lot of stuff going on, i wake at about 2:30 am and am awake for over an hour, till i fall asleep again. That hour, MIND just has it's way with me. Going from one thing to the next sometimes back and then around.           All  just not necessary and really, wasted.  Kind of interesting, but not necessary and really, wasted.  But it Happens and so,  i am the receptor.  Last night it was associated to the dream in which there was suddenly a Garuda,  you can google,  and Tay lunged and worked to "save" me but suddenly was on her back and "laughing"...how does a dog laugh?  i can't tell it in words,  but she was.  She was laughing.  And i got tired of all this in the middle of the night so i got up and went out, naked,   to the truck that is still inside the fence from unloading feed and i got up on the hood and just leaned back on the windshield.  I watched the "Sky"...that darkness with myriad points of light we call stars.  And i thought about how it is that

i Love.

 

I love summer.  The heat,  the uncontrollability of what happens,  good and not so much,  but good and not so much for WHO?  Why am i still the center of this?  

I love this Place,  the Goats,  Tazmeena,  Tay and Chinche,  the birds,  the lizards,  insects, plants,  

I love it all.

I love that i am alive.

I love that i am alive and in Relationship with Everything.  I love that it's Love that is at the root of any sadness at imminent loss.  I love that.   and it makes it worth it...the struggle to understand.

I love that my meditation practice now is Driven by the realities that present from day to day.

I do not love the Old Cowboy,  but i DO love what he requires of me,  love that it is  teaching me things that are invaluable.  I love that the Cloth Making eases it all and is about Love

 

 

 

i love this stone,  that is so much a Goat's Eye and came from the Sea.  far away

 

and rests,  day unto day on the Altar here

I love all the things possible to Believe In  but somehow, not completely for me,  but some, all of them

 

When i went to clean at Allan's there was this and a note on a post it...Thought you might like to look at this....

well,  yes...takes me back many many years,  many many hopes,  many many Loves

a lot of Old going on here

this all might sound kind of Grim,  but,  really,  it's not,  it's just how it is.

it was a work away day then Old Cowboy and the Old Cowboy is getting more complex it seems by the day.  So there wasn't much left by the time i made it back Here.  Stuff fed.  Stuff given Water and i am working to clear the place behind the horse trailer where i keep useful scrap wood so i can begin digging a grave for Gideon.  He and Sonny Ray are together.  Just recently,  Sonny Ray coming into his third year,  Just Recently,  Sonny Ray is hard on his father.  Gideon is Old.  He has arrived at the usual estimate of a lifespan for a Nigerian Dwarf Buck Goat.   So i remind self that it's really ok.  It's time.

Tonight when i threw the feed into the bowl,  Gideon started out in his crippled way to come,  but turned around and went back by the fence.  This the first time for that.  Usually,  he makes his way.  So i went in and took him his own feed,  where he was.  Looked back a few minutes later and Sonny Ray was eating Gideon's feed.  Gideon had made his way to the feed bowl.   They do it how they do it, Goats.

and then

Snowbunny didn't come from the middle pen to the Way back for evening feed.  I stood at the end of the migrational cooridor and yelled for her and she finally ambled through and  just stood.  So,

oh eeee

Snowbunny too.

 

OK.   She sleeps now, alone,  on the shelf in the Guinea Hen Palace.  She's choosing Alone.

So,  i'm looking at all this Old and Crapping Out...i don't even mention Chinche,  all of it and well,  it's really just a lot of Just Going.  How to be OK with it all.

I need to dig the grave for Gideon.  When he goes,  there won't be extra time to dawdle.   I don't know anyone to help dig the grave.  So i need to do it a little at a time.  Till it's ready.

 

I only have this much.  It's the cloth from a kimono...WW2...from RagStock in Minneapolis where my x sister in law worked where you could get vintage clothing and cloth by the pound in garbage bags...it's just this much.  So today i ordered some Derwent inktense pencils to see if i can reproduce this somehow because it has HUGE meaning for me,  i call it the Coyote cloth,  and i don't know if i can,  but i'll try.  Lynda Merry of i Wonder used the pencils and likes them.  So, ok.

 

This is TenZen's little buckling,  just a couple days old... to the Dog Trainer Jan's Goat.  Two.  a Doeling too.  But this one...IF

IF Kelly comes and takes Sunny Ray,  i will bring this buckling here as a Wether to keep company with Gideon,   if he is living,  to sleep with him.  Goats need sleeping partners.  So...we'll see.  Stuff born,  stuff getting old.  Stuff getting so much Just Going.  

SUNday

This morning, early,  like very early,  i wander over to Jude's just to read comments and somehow notice that something is new on the sidebar.

Danny Mansmith

so i click and  go back through some posts,  click the Flicker slideshow,  click, click, click, click and  look.  I became very very quiet...it is Sun day morning,  my favorite day anyway and it is JUST morning light and there is a breeze coming in the screen door and everyone is just waking and not needing to be fed yet,  but going slow into the day and i look.   You can go look yourself.  There are some things he has made.  But mostly,  there are just photographs of some very ordinary things...being new to him,  i don't know,  but i'm guessing just the ordinary things of his day.  And it was well,  just so extremely Peaceful,  this Place....a blog.  

I walked back over to the morning chair and sat down,  the tea still there and i was suddenly awash with the sense of River.  River.  The SMELL of a river...i could say scent and it would be "nicer" but it was so strong that i use the word smell...the smell of River that i know so much from all my life before Desert.  There was no River in his photographs,  but i think it was just the peaceful ness,  the Ease of it all that translated to River for me.

And i thought about the exchanges referencing Blog/not Blog /Facebook etc etc  and this was the perfect example of Blog.   Looking there gave me Peace.  Well Being  Ease.  Nothing amazing,  well, his Making, yes,  but that was just small amidst all the rest and i thought yes.  This is blogging.  No drama.  No ego.  But SUCH A GIFT.  I look forward to it now....will check every day.  See how it's going there.   Because it Feeds me.  It fed me a River.

 

i was going to wait for the walnuts to fall but tried this one out on some darker backgrounds and really, no.  So i tea dyed some muslin and it light and good.  So will finish this way.    

 

 

 

 

 

and i got a call from Thelma of Mike and Thelma who used to own the native plant nursery for some years.  She was just calling.   She is not anyone for whom i might need to "filter" my thoughts for...what ever comes out is what ever IS,  and it was nice.  Because she just wanted to hear how it's going and i found it interesting,  what i shared with her....

and it validated what i've been thinking about that initial Euphoria about "therapy"...that really,  stuff is just how it is.  "Therapy" can't work it.  There's nothing to change.  It just all IS.    And there is Just Going.  and there is understanding More,  what ...."live with ease"...really means.  I am finding that the daily sitting meditation is easily expanding to an hour.  An hour.  this is Good.

 

 

 

Home

all day.  

a Bless ed day at 

Home.

 

small stitches.  invisible stitches.  MANY of them

 

 

 

she keeps Just Going...Looking.  Wondering.

Storm Day and i don't know how to hook up the new modem

so just in case i get wiped off the face of the planet again,  i want to make sure these get Here.

 

her B side

 

ClothSelf/PaperSelf

 

What if she was Everywhere?

 

the cloth is a piece of Marti's work

 

 

 

Wednesday morning...while it lasts Later, 11:00 am, a Surprise i am giving myself

so...at 8a on the dot i talk again to yet another very fine young man at Century link Tech Support.

Internet light GREEEEEEEN.

Soon as i feed the Goats i will order a new modem and be done with this comotion.

 

 

He gave me all the stuff to type in to reset it this time and waited patiently while i wrote it all down with a pen on a piece of paper.  It is possible that until the different modem arrives,  i may be able to reconnect myself  if /when it goes out again.  We'll see.  But if i am Gone again,   floating off, like the figure above....well....i'll be back when i can.   Because i LIKE being here.  It occurred to me this morning that this blog is like my Basket, ....in Jude's terms.....

so...off to feed Goats and Love to all and Thank you to Marti.

 

LATER THIS MORNING....11:00 AM,  waiting for Alfalfa Delivery

Who would have guessed.    I remember long ago,  when i liked to use Runes,  one was 
"Consider the uses of Adversity"...it was my favorite.

While sitting on the porch last night,  watching the Rim with Tay,  waiting for time to call the Old Cowboy and tell him to take his pill, ( so I could go to bed myself)  I was just free floating...like the figure of the drawing...untethered...dis~connected...adrift....and i was very suddenly awash with so many feelings.  All at once,  almost undistinguishable one from another,  none of them surprising or unknown but that they were so strong.   and I suddenly wondered if Tana,  the Old Cowboy's Hospice Social Worker had a private practice..............??????????.............................

and i thought that i would think about it a little first,  but maybe call her and ask...tell her that i would like to sort through some things.   

This morning,  (how it goes)  she called here to ask if OCB has a fire extinguisher and smoke detectors.   and i thought....OK.  so i asked her and no,  she has been thinking of beginning a private practice,  but has not acted on it.  She asked why and i told her...that i have loose threads that are tangling all over the place,  that keep moving and i'd like to sit with someone and at least Look at them,  see if i can Still them a little.  As she does,  she was quiet a moment,  and then said  That can fall under Bereavement counseling for Care Giver.  I said   Not about the Old Cowboy,  but rather me...this time in MY life.  She:  Bereavement is bereavement.   

so longer story shorter.....I GET TO GET INTO THERAPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   YAY AND HOORAY!!!!

i never would have guessed there might be anyone in this place that i would want to work with,  but she is just GREAT and the best and NO ego,  NO PERSONAL AGENDA,  she is SMART and well...  she's just Great.   So i breathe a great great exhale and hopefully,  next week i will begin.

UPDATE on modem:  The computer guy in town has just the one i need.  will get it tomorrow.  More TaDa.  Stuff's Good.

AND NOW, ALMOST EVENING....

 

 

 

8:59 p.m

refer to comment and response from Julie.

i apply some of the anti itch stuff to leg for the "spider bite",  which i really don't know is from a spider,  but i just say that.  It's the kind of bite i get in summer.  It began on my knee and the as days go,  moves down down down and tonight the swelling and itch is at the ankle.  Probably tomorrow it will be 

done.  finished.

There will be more,  as time goes on.  But i understand them.  Know them.   When we have become familiar with things,  we just go.  When they are NEW and for the first time,  we don't know and are startled.

 

 

 

 

 

Ease. And too, thinking about Etiquette

So...i am at Ease this evening.  Today's monsoon storm has come and gone.  There is a good Wind,  but just good.  All is well.  I am sitting here,  typing away.  Watching the print appear on the screen as it appears in my mind.  Thinking how i think it and it flows down from my brain into my arms and out my fingers onto the keyboard then appearing on the screen.  It's a kind of Talking.  Silent Talking.  and an odd kind because i talk first and then Wait for YOU to say something back.  Not the same as in a "real time"  conversation that is immediate.  There is waiting here.  It's nice, in its own way.  But so is....talking.   VOICE.  

so here is my telephone number:  575  835  9363

it's True,  that i am not a lot a telephone person.   But it is also TRUE that sometimes i am.  or,  Like it.  A Voice.  A  voice  is very important.   An immediate response.  So i'm thinking about all this.  Wondering.   Thinking how it's changed.  the Etiquette of Communication.   How it seems that the telephone is "off limits".  Is somehow an Invasion?  Feeling that it's really an Intrusion to call someone.

Just thinking.  Just Wondering.

 

While there was no way to communicate here,  i watched closely how my world seemed to become so much smaller.  How it was just as far as my eye could see out over the horse pasture next door.  I don't have television or radio, even,  tho i could have radio...and maybe i might do the radio thing again?...but in these two days that seemed much longer,  there was only me and whoever lives here with me.  Sunday night the granddaughter called and it felt like from outer space.

So to pull all this up a little short...There is the TELEPHONE number up above.  If you might be Wondering what's going on....dial it...HA!   poke the numbers.  I'll answer.

The very Fine young man in the Telephone/Internet tech support,  after he fed in the "lost" or "forgotten" information from/to the modem told me that sometimes when this happens,  it begins to happen again and that means i need to get a new modem.  This one is 8 years old.  Which to me seems young.  But i guess in modem world it isn't.    So OK.  i won't be shocked like i was this weekend.  

 

this is how the Storms are.  Just before the Internet went out,  this one came...from over on the Rim.  They are stronger and MORE than they ever have been.

 

Chinche is afraid.  She doesn't know what to do.

 

Tay stays as close as she can get.

 

When SUN comes

 

 

 

in cloth,  does she "read" as she originally did in paper?  I can't tell because i am so used to looking at her

and i forgot to say....to the first above,  that i would Never just kind of disappear here with no explanation.  I would at least say i'm going away.   Writing here and posting the pics is not at all hard for me.  It takes no undue effort,  and really is a certain kind of Joy.   I am not one to be worn down by blogging  or the Internet.  Always,  my only concern is that it's boring,  and i have come to terms with that and think...Oh Well....Boring...so OK.

So....LOVE to All who come around.  It means a lot.  Here in this Place i find mySelf.....

 

 

 

 

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

after being on hold for 31 minutes this morning i spoke to a very excellent young man in Salt Lake City at my Phone/Internet Server company, Century Link,  having been driven almost insane by their waiting music which is extremely anxiety provoking

determined it was that the modem had forgotten it's information.  He ran me through reentering it and TADA!!!!! BACK!!!!!!  with the warning from him that once they forget,  i might know that it might happen again.

Anyway...it went out last Friday afternoon during one of the STORMS.   Has been an interesting weekend with no computer.  

Have to go to work. More later and just to say,  that i really do,  like really do,  appreciate this Place here and all You that come here.  Very Much.   Yes.   Love.......

 

 

 

 

a day

was going to just skip posting.  Just skip it.  Then sitting in the Morning Chair i looked out the screen door to see this "sky".   So,  no matter what i had "done" with this day or "did not do" with this day,  the Day Its Self  ......,    .......,   was.   

So, aside what i did or did not do.  Aside from the difficulties of which i participated,  the Day experienced itself.  Clearly and Completely.   I did or did not do things.   I Put things onto this day like we might put pieces of cloth on a blank ground cloth.