if you click it, you can see how the tallest of the native sunflowers LEANS and arcs toward the Earth. Summer is letting go. the others i cut and fed the Goats, the seeds having been eaten quickly by finches and the wild canary.
it was a Work Away day...to the Windmill house, the one i am thinking of "giving up" as my birthday present to myself. and i am conflicted. I really love cleaning that house. It's spacious and easy. Always so peaceful there. It provides half the income i use for Goat feed every month. The Man there, Steve, won't be ok with anyone new. Martha, the Woman there. does not do housework, but rides the horses she breeds. So for them, a bummer. It's Easy. It feeds Goats. But i want to just be Here. So, we'll see.
And i stopped by the Old Cowboy who was so Soft today. How can i say it. He was just soft. His hand on my arm but not in the old way, just a light and soft way and his face, soft too. He talked about how much he loves Travis, the caregiver, how Travis tells him stories and he smiled and asked me if i had the "money book" with me and i thought he meant the notebook he keeps the monthly statements from the bank in and said no...i leave that in the drawer over there where it always is and he said NO!, you don't leave it here? and i realized he meant his check book and said Oh, no, i have that with me and he was back to soft again and said Give him extra. Give him a lot. Which is so unlike him and i said i was so glad that he had said that because i had wanted to. Wanted to give him a lot. So, yes. We were in sync today. and he said
I love you
and i sat there looking into his face and realized this was a
Moment
i could decide something for him
and in that moment, i could Honestly say to him, I love you too. In that moment, it was Honest and i said it. I love you too.
It came. I don't know what to say. am just so little into it, but i am reading something i have never read before. Most things written are a rearrangement of words, a rearrangement of thoughts, sometimes very Beauty Full and perfect rearrangements, but this....this is different. It's
Hard. as in New. Different. the same words, the same language, but telling a completely different story. Here's an example:
TIME sit on the shore while everything else goes on by you, and get through the low-level anxiety and the boredom and the feeling that you've already seen it all. That's a good time to learn. Here's what's there to see. Everything we do and don't do makes a wake; a legion of waves and troughs that pound the shores at the edges of what we mean, grinding away on the periphery of what we know. They go on, after the years in which we lived our individual lives are long passed. If we don't learn that simple , devastating and redeeming detail of being alive....that what we do, all the jangle of our declarations and defeats, last longer than we ourselves do, that the past isn't over... then the parade of our days stands to indict much more than it bequeaths. This is something that we need to learn now. Many of us count on our best intent winning the day or getting us off the hook of personal or ecological consequence. It hasn't and it won't work."
