windthread

How i live

did a whole post and it disappeared.  Ok.  maybe tomorrow?

this day

so this one.  Today.  Earth pocket.   ok.

Earth.

 

I tried to go back to retrieve the pic of Alyssia and i couldn't do it.  It 's the one from when she was maybe Six years old.  some times Picasa lets me do it,  sometimes not.  Today a Not.

but she's coming.

at the Farmer's Market this morning.  More Red Kuri squash.  Eggplant.  I will have her here,  alone this time.  I will Feed her.  I will sautee the Kuri squash with olive oil and Tamari and achieve a carmalization in the pan,  then feed her this.  My bindi girl.  Feed her.

Restless/Unfocused

Part of it is because so many disparate things are presenting...a very long long time friend in distress,    the needs of others,  simply to "tell"....phone,  the upcoming final appearance of people at the Old Cowboy's.  The need to help with the meeting of the executor and the lawyer.  The need to be organized for that,  with all OCB's papers.  The need to take "Him" there,  his ashes in that box and pouch on Tuesday....the sense of finality to that....to LeaveTaking

The Granddaughter, Alyssia, coming  on Wednesday....how she is now more like a Woman,  More like a Sister....as in how just before i began this.  she sent pics

 

 

The kids have been bringing snails home from their school vegetable garden.  Their home has accomodated   them with creating a home within the home for the snails.  Her and her own favorite, Mr. Gonzales.

like i said.  More like a Sister.   And then there's her brother,  my grandson with the newborn.  Both of which she is prepared to take back to California with her.

What Else?,  there's more,  but this is Enough.  So Much,  SO much, Life.

This morning.  What IS this?  Something is digging underground,  pushing up this very soft and fine sand into a mound??????   I have no idea.

 

This rock has moved itself here.  I did Not put it here.

 

Separating 

 

 

from yesterday...a favorite,  very soft jacket shirt that WAS a kind of olive green which i didn't really love,  but oh well and i wore it cleaning on monday and somehow got Soft Scrub on it and it bleached the color out in big splotches so i put it in a bucket of bleach but it turned PINK?????  So into the Walnut vat

 

still too Pink!   Why Pink?????

 

Brought the vat in and heated on stove...let sit.  Better.  This is still wet,  but i think it might be ok.  I think i will be able to wear it,  wear the color.

 

Deb Lacativa's cloth

 

 

its    "flaw",  which is a great Beauty

 

 

 

finally,  this way.. it is making me Crazy with wanting to Make...if i could do this....some kind of Ritual Cloth???????

 

and still...the Pockets...this Dark one?

 

a very Light one?

 

a very Soft one?

where did it Go? a whole post? lost. so then...

 

 

 

 

 

 

cloth from Deb Lacativa....Tay smells it,  takes it in

 

 

food.  Food.

how i know days can be, ....it was.

the Grackles....so sensitive to movement...just a millisecond before there were too many to count but i raised the camera at the window and they scattered.  And it IS as i had guessed,  they are here to feed on those big grubs of the Fruit Beetles which were not as prevalent this year as last,  but many enough to bring this flock.  Flock is such a uhhh, small word for what they are.  More like a Tribe,  or Band of Grackles.  At any given time,  there are way over 50,  maybe close to a hundred between the Front and the Back.   There are adults and juveniles.  The adults are lucky hunters,  the juveniles run after adults that have snagged a grub but there is no sharing.  It's every bird for its self.  Goats ignore.   It's quite something to see,  50 or so grackles running amidst the Goats as they feed,  Goats as if the grackles do not even exist.    The grubs are here because of the Goat manure.  The birds are here because of the grubs.  OK.  

Sometimes they run.  they run as i do,  alternate legs forward and back...striding...and sometimes they hop.  Sometimes they hop/run/run/run hop.  One has no tail feathers,  but it doesn't seem to make a great difference in this moment,  but maybe with migrating it might.  I won't know.

 

Finished.  a strand of Jude's magic thread to hold things Safe.

I feel like a human being today.  Homo Sapien in her Diorama.  Peacefull.  Attentive.  Present.  Amidst.   

 

Grand daughter sent this...this pic from the monitor screen.  She is coming next week.  I have a list.  One of the primary things is to learn how to post links.

Deb Lacative sent a link to an interview in The Sun.   The Geography of Sorrow    Francis Weller On Navigating Our Losses.   Google The Sun  October 20015 issue,  it's the first article.  Everything in it.  I nod,  yes.  The grandson who is floundering somewhere Out There,  it is about Grief.  Grief for a father who did not hesitate to make it clear that he didn't care.  But who also had  felt that lack of care before him in his own life.  How it goes.  And now the grandson has spawned a  son.   Now What?  He looks upon the infant.

last segment in the interview:

McKee:  Can you give an example of what we might gain by embracing grief?

Weller:  I remember one man i worked with who struggled with depression and addiction.  He was married and had children but felt separate from his family.  He also carried a degree of shame that made it difficult for him to make friends or let his wife get close.  He told me that his parents had divorced when he was young, and he had rarely seen his father after that.  I could tell that the grief had made a hole in his heart, and he had no way to heal it,  so feelings of unworthiness had rushed in to fill the empty space.

One day,  as we were working, the man reflexively placed a hand on his chest, and I suggested that he pause and notice what was happening there.  He said he felt a tightness.  I asked him to listen to that tightness and see what it might be about.  After few moments he told me that he saw a young boy in the woods playing hide-and-seek,  and no one had come to find him.  He couldn't remember if this was a real memory or not, but there was truth in it:  no one had come to look for him in his time of sorrow, and he had been hiding ever since.  He was able to tell the boy that he was there and that we had found him.  And he was able to bring that experience home and share it with his wife.  Now,  that's grief leading to intimacy."

So.  Check it out.

Storm world

Great Storm,  now softening .  I watched the old dead Russian Olive Out Back and i accept.  It needs some of the heavy branches removed.  They wavered and creaked...are weakening.  They could easily fall and hurt the Goats.  So it goes.

 

and this.  One side stitched.  a Pocket,  an Envelope.  I kept it as plain as possible,  to allow the Cloth to speak in all the beauty FULL ways it does with such subtle marks and shadows.  Ok.    It's Good.

 

 

I have company in the storm.  Picked up Old Cowboy today in his new manifestation inside this funny,  as in quirky little kind of veloure (sp)  pouch.  He's on the dining  room table which is really never used for dining but just where all the small cloth scraps and thread reside.  It's been a week.  Does he still linger?  Is he lingering as i write  this?  Hovering?  Watching?  and i think about how it might have been so much better if he had come here,  to where i live,  for those final times.  How i could have gone in and out,  continued my own life while tending to his.  How Tay could have come to his hand and loved him as she would have.  How he could have listened to the Goats and the Storms.  

In my own Envelope/Pocket that i made a couple weeks ago,  on small pieces of paper,  i am writing thoughts as they come...just small sentences.  Like,  i would like to be able to see leaves of trees.  I would like to hear the Goats if we still have them.  Feel Tay.

kind of like love letters.  One sentence love letters

 

 

 

Round rolls slow

even though today was a work away day,   the sense of Round prevailed.    When i got back,  there wasn't a LINE,  but just a nap and then more roundness.

 

 

 

things like this.  3 views of Tay's digging of something,  she does nothing with the digging,  just digs it.  There are several of these around but this one is in the House yard.  So in keeping with a Round Feeling,  i filled it in.  Some.   Not totally.  Thinking to leave a depression to plant something in next spring.  But the point was/is  that instead of just seeing it and walking by,  i stopped.  Stopped and took some moments to change it.   

 

another example...the walkway that is made of flat pices of slate and sandstone...

sometime earlier in this circle of season i'd pulled weeds and thrown them there,  thinking to gather them up and put them in the burn pile.  This is just a short distance from the porch steps and Dear Chinche has liked peeing on them.  Not far go go and somehow a good place she thinks.  So i have walked over this flat piled peed on weeds for the whole summer now.   Everytime thinking, Move It,

but i didn't.

Today i did.  Rain and soon some snow will wash the dirt off the stone and it will be a walkway again. These are such small things,  but there are MANY of them...just small things that have gone noticed but undone.  I have only done things Required for Real Going.  I have gathered up dog shit.  I have given Water to all.  I have raked out the Albatros that is the Doe Goats Sleeping Place.  I have kept fencing strong.   I guess that's it.  But none of these small things that are small Housekeepings,  that are small round things.  And the pleasure and satisfaction of doing just those two things is just Fine.

I see that even though there has been more Water From the Sky this year than Before,  we are moving fast into the Winter months.  Things are dry and letting go.  Not what i would have expected.  So i am watching this.  Wondering.

I had the thought to put Maria's cloth on the wall like this.  NOT in pocket form but as it was when it arrived from her.  

This is how it is for me with plant dyed cloth.  It being impossible to use it as i would other cloth...the marks of the plants and their company being just So Much in and of themselves.  So i had thought to make it a pocket which would allow the images of the cloth itself BE.  Not be obscured by stuff.   And then too,  i always am thinking about what is good or not about Cloth making,  as in UseFull...a pocket might be usefull?  Where just something of Beauty might not be considered so?

 

i LOVE those black marks.  Just LOVE them and they  are Usefull to me.   They feed me.

So since Tina wanted this LizardMoon,  i will let her decide.  How does she want it?...as a Pocket??? or Like this.

 

 

 

 

how the days are feeling Round

how they are beginning to feel like they have no edges,  but just this Roundness,  no corners,  not pointed but Round,  rolling into Night and then out again into Day

it takes Time to experience this.

Today,  this day,  rain off and on and overcast,  there being chill to things for the first time so i did things in keeping with that chill,  sealing windows,  closing down the swamp cooler.  Thinking about wool socks.  Rolling with Round Days

 

 

 

 

 

 

Over at Spirit Cloth,  Jude is circling round and i spent time just being with the Magic Diaries Cloth,  just small parts of it that held my eyes,  my heart...asking self what it is about these particular parts that hold me now....how i might Go from or because of one of them

Just NOW!...like NOW! as i am here typing this,  the SUN breaks through in the end of this Day and is brilliant and the Goats explode out of their rain shelters.....

There is such Love to it all

Whiptail lizards

females.  All of them.   And they have

thighs.

they have a strength to their beingness that  i so much connect to.  Not scampering Things,  but Beings.  Strong and Fierce in their way.  Whiptails.

 

do i or do i Not want rings around the moon????????   Looking,  i am thinking Not.   ??????

 

Things change.  The quality of light is so different,  things are so defined when during the Heat of the Summer,  it is so melded together,  but now,  not so much.  Definition.  Leaf to Leaf.    Stone to stone.  dirt to dirt.



from the Farmer's Market.  Red Kuri squash. 

I talked to Grand daughter tonight about all that might happen in the near future,  how maybe even they would move back here.

I talked to the great grand son,  Julian who will be SIX on his birthday,  he,  who has never been a phone person suddenly has become one...he TALKED to me.  I asked him about what he might want for his birthday

and he said

pictures of the Goats.

pictures of the Goats.  pictures of the Goats.

pictures of the Goats.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gentle Day

cynthia is always there with the offering of Gentle Day and today,  the gentle day came.

Off to cat duty at Allan's early but that takes about 20 min.  Home to rake out the space where the Alfalfa goes and the delivery of this months 1/2 ton bale.  Me doing a good job of directing her to back the truck up for drop off on the pallets.  Last time i was very crooked.  Today,  all lined up.  

looking long at the tail and it just wasn't going to work,  so i cut it off and took a nap.   Woke,  just being Still for a long time,  watching the light in the window.

stitch the tail instead,  and it's Good

 

begin a leg

scrub all the buck's water tubs and fill.

and later today

 

 

 

how we identify    .....sky......  with departed souls.   I watched the sky,  thinking how today Old Cowboy's  physical body was traveling to Albuquerque for his cremation.  Thinking of him,  his oh so wasted physical body that was in those last moments,  so just skin and bones....how his mouth was open and his eyelids were so tender.  And i thought how if They would let me,  i would have brought him here and buried him,  his plain body,  let it feed this this Earth.

it was a Good day.  a Gentle day.