first thing, some stitching, and seeing for sure how the Natural Order runs diagonal and Not
straight
First thing because i knew the day would be like a marble, rolling across a wood floor. It was.
There was a feeling of wanting to get things uhhh, cleared. I thought about how it's been four days since Alyssia had flown away. How there was stuff, just sitting here and there, and mostly i focused on this odd little set of drawers from the Old Cowboy's. So, the early energy focused here. I went through all the stuff that was in the metal file cabinet, filled a black garbage bag with much of it, kept only some
this much. Not a lot. in comparison. Stuff about the land, stuff like birth certificates, stuff about the putting in of the septic system.
then...in one of the Pendaflex files ...labeled the same....was this manila folder stained with wine
from when my daughter and i were doing something together.
Under the file cabinet were some things
this pic of me when there was still some substance of me, not like now when i am pretty much skin over bones, like the old dog Chinche. I looked at this. There was more stuff, interesting, but well,
and all day, from back into last night, i have been thinking about how it can be. This is hard.
How it can be, that there are small joys. Small joys inside and No Matter the real and deep sadness of things.
I spent time, off and on with Gideon and Flash, there being really Joy, watching Gideon be able to BE in a free way, to wander his yard as he wished without defending himself. How so so incredibly wonder Full this is to see. He gimps around on his arthritic legs at
LEISURE
little Jack Flash at his side. How grateful i am that we could accomplish this before it was too late for him.
I cooked. I sauteed the last of the eggplant in a curry batter, the Kuri Squash baked. I ate them slowly and savoring each bite.
I vacuumed the whole thing here. For now, a day or so, no dog hair and dust. Clean.
again, a small Joy. I am thinking about the difference of happiness and joy. There IS and i am looking at this.
I didn't answer the phone.
I am thinking about how it is true, that even when there is such great and deep grief. such great and strong pain. Such great and strong sorrow and
FEAR
there can also be
joy.
How is this? I am thinking about this. I need to know.
