What do you do when you wake around 4 in the morning with some
Deep Concerns
I looked the word up to be sure it's the one i want...and definition b. according to Webster says: an uneasy state of blended interest, uncertainty and apprehension. Yes. Yes. This is right. Not worries, because they are frivolous, not Fears because that's not the extent, but Concerns. Deep Concerns. Waking wide awake with Deep Concerns. So...what was there to do? Get up. Make red chile. Fry some potatoes and spoon on a liberal amount. Eat it.
it's a simple thing, red chile, as far as ingredients. But there are some particulars that must be followed closely. I learned from that person i was married to that i call the maniac but that Yvette doesn't want me to call him that, him. The last of the particulars is to simmer until a "skin" forms on the top. And Look....Meera....the skin formed a Blossom
and you are still there with your Concerns, so you just sit there in the Morning Chair in the still dark and eat More red chile by the spoonful till the SUN rises, till Day.
Your dog is thinking it is time for her food. She is a little anxious because it's earlier than normal, so the anxiousness makes her Yawn
and then it's Light. Morning is underway. and in an email with Michelle about the 60's and 70's and Ram Dass and trusting, she sends me this, from a friend of hers who read it in a NOVEL she got at a library sale:
"Memory is a willful dog. It won't be summoned or dismissed but it cannot survive without you. It can sustain you or feed you. It visits when it is hungry, not when you are. It has a schedule all its own that you can never know, it can capture you, corner you or liberate you. It can leave you howling and it can make you smile....The trick is not to hate yourself...If you can manage not to hate yourself, then it won't hurt to remember almost anything; your childhood, your parents, what you've done or what's been done to you...."
I sat. Reading and re reading.
I have never hated myself. so that word doesn't work for me here, but all the rest DOES. So i think...what word or words would i replace for hate myself that could make these words mine? Because Michelle's friend cannot remember anything more about the book and this is all we have, Michelle's friend, Michelle, Me and now
you
so...what do i insert here? The trick is not to....................................If you can manage not to.................................................then it won't hurt to remember almost anything; your childhood, your parents, what you've done or what's been done to you
