things feel different. I don't know why.
A disconnected space. Bright. Clean. but somehow in the middle of some kind of Before and After. I have not thought this through at all, so it's coming as i sit here and type it out. Might want to re read and change things.
It is clearly coming from the visit. When all the Usual stopped for such a short time, but Stopped.
I even felt estranged from my connection with Out There, the Goats. Everything took place in words. In talking. In talking in the house. Away from the rest of my everyday world.
A lot of it has to do with Remembering and realizing that there is so much i just don't remember. That she did. For instance that we, the guy i lived with then for 10 years, the kids ages maybe 6 and 3 or 7 and 4 helped her move all her worldly belongings from Michigan to Missouri. We DID go a few months later again just to visit on our way to Florida. Which i do remember. But the moving part, it's a blur. It's there, but it just dissolved. And i realize that that's the way with a lot of things that happened or that i did in my life. Many things i just let go of, that kind of flew off into the far away as i swirled along.
identity
in the conversation, i heard myself saying so many time that i "always wanted to _____" . But haven't. "Would really like to ___________", but i can't.
those above two lines should be in NEON.
and sometime in the conversation i told her how Alyssia has come to say "If you really wanted to you could, couldn't you?" in connection to the thing we say to each other when one of us makes a flat out statement: Is that True?
She picked up on that. Specifically, my saying i can't make the trip to Missouri. The Goats, Tay. blah blah.
If you really wanted to, you could, couldn't you? What's the real answer: Yes.
She drove straight through from here home. One day. I COULD.
So What's the Deal, i ask Self? What's going on?
......................look up from typing here, see the Giant Sacaton grass plumes swaying in the Wind, and remember about how i saw on Sunday an adult Great Plains Skink at the reptile and amphibian exhibit room....how i've only ever seen the juveniles here, but sometimes have seen a blur of fast movement that now i imagine to be an adult. They are elegant, sand colored with black and copper/brass design.
i think how i COULD rearrange things here so it's like the Cactus Garden there at the Refuge. I've always wanted to do that since i first saw it 15 years ago. I've always wanted to do that. I haven't.
That thing about Diorama that has lived inside me since i was a child. I COULD create a Diorama to live in....like the one i imagined as a child and off and on through my life
This. with hides or felted walls in Winter. What would i use on the roof? I could figure it out. A camp. I COULD live in a camp. I always could have. Could now. Are the I can'ts True? No.
somewhere in this thread of thought this afternoon as i floated in the disconnected space, i remembered that skirt that daughter had given me for a birthday present maybe 20 some years ago, from a thrift shop and the elastic waist band was worn out. I never fixed it. I could fix it i thought and went into the stacks and found it and fixed the waistband.
T shirt material. I used to decorate myself with clothing. A lot of it i made. Ethnic/Tribal. things deconstructed and reconstructed. For years now i've worn the "uniforms". Denim jumpers in Warm. Levis and zip hooded sweatshirts in Cold.
I COULD decorate myself again.
I COULD
teach myself to make pottery
teach myself paper making
teach myself to make rag rugs
train Tay for herding and Field
put in a drip system
become better at Drawing
make new kitchen cabinets with salt cedar doors
put in a new floor in the bathroom
put in walls and window frames in the ROOM
paint that floor
Volunteer at the Bosque del Apache Refuge or Sevielleta and meet interesting people
IDENTITY.
i can change my current Identity.
watching the world adjust to the New Reality of President Trump, i don't have a whole lot of confidence in much of anything. So ..... How to Live? There MIGHT be a miracle. Maybe. But i see us as hopefully going down the tubes. So how do i intend to LIVE?
ADDENDUM
Volume 1 published in 2006
