windthread

Fear

Fear.  we could call it anxiety or what ever,  bu
ve been life threatening for her.  It would have become painful.  It would have affected her ability to chew which is of the utmost importance for a Goat,  which initially chews her feed but then chews the cud.

so this morning.  Vet scheduled at 11 am.  OK.  I do everything i can think of to make it possible to happen.    and he arrives.   He comes through the house,  out the Room.  I have closed the cattle panel across the Migratory Corridor.  No escape there.  There is still the expanse of the Way Back to deal with.  I'd though he'd bring his assistant,  the young and sturdy and strong young woman.  No.  Just him.  I say....   i don't know if we can do this....  he smiles a soft smile and says....  we'll see.  He stands on the porch steps with the new nylon lasso in hand.  I go with the big sauce pan full of pellets from last winter in one hand and  Lynda Merry's bag around my neck with salted peanuts in the shell.  Dump the pellets into the 5 bowls and they are ecstatic about this and walk among them feeding one peanut at a time ...  to Cinderella and he calls    Grab her horn.  OK.  i do and she pulls pulls pulls but i hang on and he comes and puts the new nylon lasso around her neck and she's trapped and yelling.  We move her toward the milkstand,  get there and he winds the excess of the lasso around her face and back behind her ears and scurs making a kind of halter with it  and he lifts her to the milkstand and i close it around her neck,  holding her in,  quickly moving to the back of her to prevent her from falling off the sides with her struggle.  he  ties the still excess of the lasso to the side bars and holds her in place.  I am behind her not allowing her to back up and so slip sideways from the middle of the milkstand.  She's yelling.  All the rest of the doe herd are preoccupied to this point with eating all of the pellets.  Even her mother.  He reaches into his pocket and takes out a

BONE SAW

oh,  YAY,  i think...i know of these,  have never seen a real one.  and he marks with it then adjusts it and begins sawing and she is now SCREAMING and the pellets are gone and all of the rest of them are in a huddle watching.

he saws and blip,  one is done.  he begins the other and blip,  done.  And her tongue is protruding and her eyes are HUGE and she is panting.  

there is NO BLOOD.

we undo all the rope stuff and open the milkstand and she leaps down and runs and i go...to offer her a peanut not imagining at all she will take it but she DOES...crunch crunch crunch

she's done.  who knows for how long,  but for now she is GOOD and just OK.  SAFE.

 

a little over 2 inches...look at your yardstick or your tape measure...2 inches and i should drill a hole in one and wear it.  Wear it so it is just over the third eye to remind me that  Stuff is Stuff and there is no getting around that and we do what is needed to Just Go.

 

as he came back in,  he hung the lasso over the chair there,  the one that has the tape measure

 

 

more on Julian's Match Box

 

 

settling into the Not Knowing

first thing, fingering the images,  cloth images flow

 

Julian's match box...coming along

 

this was spoken for.  Maybe it still is?,  its been a while

 

for now,  just rests here.  not for long.

 

 

am looking at Everything...Everything is taking a long time to look at...to See it...feel it.  A lot of the time it seems to be moving.  and then, not.

i cleaned in the Albatross today hauling some things out to the truck for a dump trip,  sweeping off others some of which got squashed into the horse trailer.  Room enough now for the wheelbarrow to go in and out with ease as i shovel out the Doe Goats sleeping place this once more till spring.  That takes 2 or 3 days but i tell self that whatever it takes,  it's just ok.    and so,  this day.  Just ok.  which is a relief.

 

 

 

images

 

just be Out Side, then In Side

so the pause continues,  but is gaining substance in something more than a pause.  I just was OutSide a lot.  Doing nothing in particular other than Being there.  Well,  thinking about the Next garden to come and thinking about what i did and didn't plant this year and wondering about that.    I am keeping a list of synchronistic things.  Today,  that Next garden thinking and daughter sends a link to a sustainable organic seed company just down the road from her....Sustainable Seed Co.,  Chico California.  I looked and how GREAT...they have seed for Tatume squash which i was only able to get once and was beyond the best summer squash,  but could not find again.  They have seed.

and then Julie of Threading the Dog,  juliestockler.blogspot.com posted and there was this from a lecture of Tara Brach speaking to the discomfort of not knowing in these times.  "...simply pause and deepen our awareness.  There will be a time when it is appropriate to act."  synchronistic to the Pause here.

 

 

the Collage Table where down the road Sydney and 13 yo daughter Talulah and i sat  ripping and cutting and gluing down.   and i realized that Pause for me means letting go of the Trajectory that i am used to and letting Something come IN  of it's own accord.   It felt really GOOD.

 

 

 

a pause and then forgetting/remembering addendum

not time for Cloth yet.

i did things OutSide,  most important, scrubbed all the water tubs with vinegar.  Like scrubbed.  This might be the last time till spring.  Too cold now for the algae to grow.  

I played with Tay.  

i spent considerable time finger tearing the pics above from those Gallery Catalogs i posted yesterday.  Chosen like i used to teach....anything that caught my eye as it swept page to page to page.  Do not question.  rip it out.  So from two of them,  these.

then i placed them...they'd been just in a pile...placed them without hesitation,  without thought,  moving them close and then touching one another.  The Above.  

i put off looking at them any longer once they were in place,  wanting to savor that a while,  wanting NOT to make a story just yet.    Maybe in the morning.  Maybe not.  

and then i watched 3 videos of a young woman called Teal Swan who has come to my attention.  She's young.  She's smart.  She's extremely interesting and i still don't know whatelse.

that was my day.

ADDENDUM

i realize.  Forgetting/Remembering  

like a flash of Light

Fidel is dead.

there was a time when i was so in love with him.  So close to setting out to go work the cane fields in Cuba.   

reconstituting

it feels like that.   Opening to the Next.   Waiting for the Next to show up.  But being able to become ready.

 

 

first thing this morning, split and brought in

 

had to go into town.  The cat sitting Person did not return.  Out of cat food.  While there,  stopped at the feed store.  The old lasso is the old rope kind and all stiff and twisted.  It's a small feed store,  just some stuff and all she had were like this...some kind of nylon that she said people like because it's easier on the hands?   Vet is coming Wednesday to see what can be done about Cinderella's scur that is starting to press into her skull.  I'll take this out starting tomorrow and leave it lying around so they can inspect it...hoping by Wednesday it won't be seen as alien???  Maybe

Sydney from down the road,  one of the two mama's of Talulah who is now 12 going on 13, wants to decoupage  a box for her for Christmas.  Wants to do it here.  OK.

 

i still have a bunch of these...you can get them at the airport...studio catalogs for Santa Fe....they're wonderful for collage fragments.

 

i'd thought about doing that with these,  one for Julian and one for Destiny.   So, ok.    Tomorrow i will sit with cloth and see how that feels.  Somehow i couldn't bring my uhhh,  my broken energy to the stitching.  Maybe tomorrow.  Time to understand a way to Just Go.

 

 

 

 

ready

~.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

one of the first things i'm going to need to do is to learn to put links.  Next time Travis comes i'll ask him to walk me through it and make notes on the Rolodex.  In the meantime,  this came from Alyssia.

 

Northern Colorado School District Takes Farm to School to the Next Level

"Lunch at a Weld County School District 6 central kitchen,  right next to a bin of yellow onions and a 1,000 pound tote of russet potatoes...all locally grown.  A walk through the facility is enough to convince anyone that Weld County District 6 is committed to scratch-cooked,  locally grown food for its 22,000 students at 35 schools.  In this rural Colorado school district,  where over 40 languages are spoken at home and 66 percent of students are eligible for free or reduced price meals,  tasty food is the norm...even down to the green chili, a southwestern favorite roasted in-house,  using three varieties of local peppers.

About a quarter of the central kitchen is dedicated to processing fresh fruits and vegetables.  Mushrooms are sliced,  carrots are shredded and onions are diced.  With funding from a USDA Farm to School Grant in 2013,  this food hub portion of the kitchen was furnished with tables, wash stations and equiment to process local food for Weld County's own meals and for other districts in the area.

Natalie Leffler is the Food Hub Manager.  Her job is to coordinate partnerships with farmers, ranchers and local businesses to source as much local food as possible,  defined as grown or produced within a 400 mile radius.

Matt Poling, the school district's Executive Chef ensures that menu planning, recipe development and production processes maximize the use of local products.  The freezer is full of shredded local zucchini (for blending into tomato sauce), mirepoix (the age old combination of onion, celery, and carrots used as a base for soups)  and other local ingredients  to incorporate into meals off season.  The team even prepares mashed potatoes made with local red potatoes and home made gravy.  Locally grown dried pinto beans are sorted and cooked into refried beans or chili.

Just outside the facility are four giant compost bins designed to turn food scraps from the kitchen into compost for the districts gardens,  funded through an innovative partnership with the West Greeley Conservation District.   Sometimes El Fuego,  the district's flashy food truck is parked outside too.  But typically the truck is out roaming the district serving up favorites like barbacoa street tacos and yakisoba noodle bowls to students and staff.

The district goes beyond buying local food...school gardens, student wellness and food education are three major areas of focus.  Plans are underway to transform a sandy, unused portion of a nearby schoolyard into an educational farm focused on student engagement and employment.  Called "Growing Grounds" the project vision includes raised beds, an orchard, a teaching kitchen, hoop houses and a greenhouse.

Inspired by Weld County School District 6 and their innovative farm to school programs?  USDA is currently accepting applications for the Farm to School Program which assists eligible entities in implementing farm to school programs that improve access to local foods in eligible schools.  Consider applying for a grant to bring more local food into school meals,  promote healthy eating habits and expand markets for American farmers and producers."

So...here it is.  One of i hope many ways to come where communities take their wellbeing into their own hands.    Can you imagine how many people are involved in this?  How many benefit?  

 

Here,  this morning,

 

new  Winter configuration

 

 

 

 

identity

things feel different.  I don't know why.

A  disconnected space.   Bright.  Clean.  but somehow in the middle of some kind of Before and After.  I have not thought this through at all,  so it's coming as i sit here and type it out.  Might want to re read and change things.

It is clearly coming from the visit.  When all the Usual stopped for such a short time,  but Stopped.

I even felt estranged from my connection with Out There,  the Goats.  Everything took place in words. In talking.  In talking in the house.  Away from the rest of my everyday world.  

A lot of it has to do with Remembering and realizing that there is so much i just don't remember.  That she did.  For instance that we,  the guy i lived with then for 10 years,  the kids ages maybe 6 and 3 or 7 and 4 helped her move all her worldly belongings from Michigan to Missouri.   We DID go a few months later again just to visit on our way to Florida.  Which i do remember.  But the moving part, it's a blur.  It's there,  but it just dissolved.  And i realize that that's the way with a lot of things that happened or that i did in my life.   Many things i just let go of,  that kind of flew off into the far away as i swirled along.  

identity

in the conversation,  i heard myself saying so many time that i  "always wanted to _____" .  But haven't.   "Would really like to ___________", but i can't.

those above two lines should be in NEON.

and sometime in the conversation i told her how Alyssia has come to say  "If you really wanted to you could, couldn't you?"   in connection to the thing we say to each other when one of us makes a flat out statement:   Is that True?  

She picked up on that.   Specifically,  my saying i can't make the trip to Missouri.  The Goats,  Tay.  blah blah.    

If you really wanted to,  you could,  couldn't you?     What's the real answer:    Yes.

She drove straight through from here home.  One day.  I COULD. 

So What's the Deal,  i ask Self?  What's going on?

......................look up from typing here,  see the Giant Sacaton grass plumes swaying in the Wind,  and remember about how i saw on Sunday an adult Great Plains Skink at the reptile and amphibian exhibit room....how i've only ever seen the juveniles here,  but sometimes have seen a blur of fast movement that now i imagine to be an adult.  They are elegant,  sand colored with black and copper/brass design.

i think how i COULD rearrange things here so it's like the Cactus Garden there at the Refuge.  I've always wanted to do that since i first saw it 15 years ago.  I've always wanted to do that.  I haven't.

That thing about Diorama that has lived inside me since i was a child.  I COULD create a Diorama to live in....like the one i imagined as a child and off and on through my life

 

This.  with hides or felted walls in Winter.  What would i use on the roof?  I could figure it out.  A camp.  I COULD live in a camp.   I always could have.  Could now.  Are the I can'ts True?  No.

somewhere in this thread of thought this afternoon as i floated in the disconnected space,  i remembered that skirt that daughter had given me for a birthday present maybe 20 some years ago,  from a thrift shop and the elastic waist band was worn out.  I never fixed it.  I could fix it i thought  and went into the stacks and found it and fixed the waistband.  

 

 

 

T shirt material.   I used to decorate myself with clothing.  A lot of it i made.  Ethnic/Tribal.  things deconstructed and reconstructed.  For years now i've worn the "uniforms".  Denim jumpers in Warm.  Levis and zip hooded sweatshirts in Cold.   

I COULD decorate myself again.

I COULD

teach myself to make pottery

teach myself paper making

 

teach myself to make rag rugs

train Tay for herding and Field

put in a drip system

become better at Drawing

make new kitchen cabinets with salt cedar doors

put in a new floor in the bathroom

put in walls and window frames in the ROOM

paint that floor

Volunteer at the Bosque del Apache Refuge or Sevielleta and meet interesting people

IDENTITY.

i can change my current Identity.

watching the world adjust to the New Reality of President Trump,   i don't have a whole lot of confidence in much of anything.  So ..... How to Live?   There MIGHT be a miracle.  Maybe.  But i see us as hopefully going down the tubes.  So how do i intend to LIVE?

ADDENDUM

 

Volume 1 published in 2006

 

 

 

 

flow

she arrived just before noon Saturday.

the conversation....Flow.  No effort .  Stream of Consciousness,  circling around,  back,  around,  through and back,  around and through.  Steady.  Even.   No effort.

And though we were not able to find any "comfort",  this we know:

Who we were is who we are.  Who we used to be has held and has become today.  and this was good.

and Dana,  i DID take the pot away...was just dishing out the mashed potatoes.

 

it didn't get as brown as i wanted it to but we were hungry and didn't wait.  I gave half of it to neighbor Margie, her son and his kids today.

 

i set the Dragon plate for Hazel

 

the old Rosebud plate for her Janey.

squash.  greenbean french fried onion casserole.  a TON of stuffing.  salad.   like it goes,  too much.

 

Sunday, yesterday,  we drove out to the Festival of the Cranes.  In the tent of the Office of Archaeological Studies,  Museum of New Mexico,  there was an incredibly fine woman demonstrating spinning yucca cord for basket making.  We spent a Long time with her.  Chloe is a basketmaker and they had a lot to exchange.  We saw the skeleton    of the Sand Hill crane that i love.  There was a demonstration of pottery making.   Many bone tools...one of which the woman used to prepare the yucca leaf.

We drove the loops through the refuge,  S L O W,  so so slow.  Stopping many times.  A lot of time just staring into the distance.  In silence.  The old huge cottonwoods are golden and their leaves shake like rattles.

my favorite sculpture in the Cactus Garden

 

and the old shade house that just gets more beauty FULL as years go by

and i knew she said she would need to leave today.  But somehow i imagined that to be in the afternoon or evening.  I didn't ask,  she didn't say.  So i imagined spending time today taking pics with the Goats and Tay.  But she was up at 5 am and ready to go by 6.  Not quite light.