windthread

feed self ......~addendum~

go to the primal

 

gathering the papers.  Titles,  everything i can think of to take to the DMV  ....department of motor vehicles.   To get legal to move the horse trailer and the airstream.  I am faced with,  for the first time, the reality that i might not have anything useful to present as far as the airstream.  ????????????

i bought it in Oregon and at that time i was in the company of a man friend,  traveling companion.  It was fresh from leaving Michigan and i was in the "I will NEVER own anything again" mode.  So i bought it but put it in his name.  So i have some kind of Title in his name,  but with his signature, too,

which maybe will help?  1989.  It was never licensed in N. Mex.  It had the plate from Oregon,  last i looked but i went out this morning to see that Nogal and Tenzen changed that.  Gone.  somewhere there in the sand,  but buried.  So i gathered what Proof i have and set out for the DMV.   It was PACKED to the door.  All manner of hopeful souls,  waiting till their number would be called.  I took a number and stood by the door.   2 hours passed and still there were more in front of me.  All,  seemingly with complicated circumstances.  Many were those hopeful to get just a formal New Mexico Identification.  You can feel the tension.  This world i live in is predominately spanish.  I assume many,  watching the changes taking place and doing what they feel is toward safety.  a picture ID with a "permanent" address.  Left and went to P.O. then to drop off the first wave at the Thrift Store which is closed on Friday.  A woman was dangling over and into their dumpster in the parking lot.  We exchanged smiles.  I gestured toward my bags.  She nodded.  

i had a vision of lasagna.  

went to grocery.  shopped slow.  

went back to DMV after their lunch break was over and once again,  many in front of me.  ok.

I'll try again next week but for now,  Lasagna.

 

Addendum

Went back to Gmail when finishing the above to find this 

 

was entitled:  Emrie Grace   5   7/8s  months.    so...

so.

my Alyssia.   Her Emrie Grace.

Our,  ourSelves.  We go.

 

 

 

Circumstance and something i forgot yesterday

Travis and Everett came at about 10 am and we went to get the Old Cowboy's Chevy Truck from where it is kept parked over at Bill's.  Brought it here and in the Big Gate.  Where it got almost all it's new parts for the Trip.  Except for the flushing of the radiator and Travis decided to do that at the Old Cowboy's house in town because of how fond Tay is of tasting everything and if antifreeze might spill....

So they finally left around 5.  A long day.  But i liked it very much because of the EASE of the comradery.  The Comfort level is so HIGH.  At the end of it all,  while Travis was working at this computer to order parts for the Toyota,  Everett and i fooled with his smart phone and looked at potential gear shift knobs for the Journey.  He,  who generally finds this World so challenging was totally at Ease and FUNNY and Smart and Kind and we were truly happy as clams.  He showed me a site he'd found of someone who makes incredible and i mean incredible shells for hermit crabs...like castles  and sailing ships.  

And i am so soft right now in knowing that when i go,  they will be here and make of this Place something totally different than i have,  but it will be their dream that wouldn't have been except for this Circumstance.

i did two things.  I did a second sweep of What to Take and have narrowed down.  What person needs more than 5 denim skirts?   Maybe 5 is too much?  But now it's 5.  The Cloth possibilities also have been reduced.  There will be more of this,  but for today,  it's Enough.

I DID weed

 

and gave water with a slow seep of the hose.  This second year Vitex

 

and its partner across the way,  both with small,  small buds of leaves.....

and what i forgot from yesterday was when all the Law Enforcement was across the road,  the 5 vehicles with flashing lights...at some point it seemed excessive i guess,  so i watched as two of the Sherif's Department guys stood on the porch there

and did

Rock Scissors Paper

Rocks Sissors Paper

and then one left

 

How so totally New Mexico this is

 

 

a day with edges

this is what i had first on my list.  Everything green, except for the few clumps of feather grass is weeds.  the good old Kochia and this year an abundance of  wild mustard.  More than an abundance.  There hasn't been so much of it ever.   And it's not just here,  it's all around,  all around town.  There was a mild wet winter.  So if i was staying,  i would write this down,  the connection.  But for now,  i'd just like to get this uhhh, presentable.  My mother would spend at least a couple weeks before we went on a vacation  Cleaning House.  Washing the insides of cupboards.  Any corners.  Stuff had to be spic and span,  "in case".    This feels a little like that,  but also i would like it nice for Travis and Everett.  At least the House Yard.  

But it was overcast and dreary all early day so i sorted through the utility shelves of rolled cloth along the North bed room wall.  And went through two baskets of stuff on the floor,  finding things i didn't know i had,  and some i'd not seen in a long time.  Sorting through.  There will be a primary KEEP decision but i know as it goes,  that will dwindle.  And i'd thought i didn't have any "real" clothes,  like clothes one would wear when going to the farmer's market with one's family.  I thought i pretty much only had my seasonal "uniforms".  But it's not true.  I found all manner of things,  most of which need their collars removed, but a lot of things that are nice and i like.  I thought about how in the last maybe 2 years,  i'd lost interest in clothing,  wearing just some very basic practical few things.  and i'm thinking about why i care now?  They wouldn't care,  but there is an urge to ummm,  i don't know,  an urge to.....uhhhh....be an interesting representative of that Clan?  something like that.

and when SUN began to break through,  the energy across the road at neighbor Margie's began to heat up.   During the time when her own kids were teen agers and then very young adults,  there was always comotion.  Then some years now that many have actually died and those left,  moved away.  Now there is a second wave of nephews showing up.   a ReRun.  Today the tension was palpable.  The doe Goats stayed clustered in their Middle Yard,  not liking the sounds.  Tay layed by the gate, alert but not barking.  and then it blew up,  a lot of yelling,  all the preliminary blustering and shoving,  going in and out out and in and then finally culminating in Great Noise and Comotion and the vehicle there skidding out and down the road and the remaining persons still loud and confusion and

i thought about how in past days,  i would have called her to see if she needed something,  but that today i didn't have any such response.  She knows all this.  Has seen it so many times before.  In and out the people were on their phones,  talking loud,  so there were working phones,  ok and then

police began to arrive,  sheriff and State,  at one point 5 police cars and eventually an ambulance which i think was for Johnny,  a nephew who seemed completely unmoored in it all,  he is a drama queen, combine that with drugs and well.... 

so the peaceful weeding got lost in the Vibes.  

I think as i go about this Place that i have loved for so long.  I think how it's kind of like a marriage.  How you have SO much energy for it for the whole beginning of it when it still is new,  like years.  And then because of that,  you go a long time being just ok.   And then at some point, when you even entertain the first single though of 

going

something shifts and you begin to no longer soften your gaze so much but the edges begin to become more focused and you realize that maybe,  maybe,  it's possible to Go.  Maybe,  even,  it's Time.

 

 

 

 

interwoven

i could make you crazy telling all the complications and I don't,  because those complications change,  almost moment by moment so by the time i explained one,  it would all be different.  But it's FLUID.  Day to day.  Sometimes less.  Everything is dependent on so many things.

I could go this next month.  april.  OR it might take longer.  There are considerations...the Electric,

the land surveys,  the water run,  permits,  a retaining wall for Alyssia's place,  on and on.  It COULD go fast,  it might go slow.... all there is to do is just One Thing and One Thing and One Thing and they will add up to

Being There.

These are pics that Daughter sends me email that i take a pic of on the screen of this computer thing

 

This is my Spot.  Where i will live.  All that looks white, isn't.  It's a very pale green native grass.  I can't capture it better.    A little spontaneous clearing.  Where the hut will be.  Inbetween Alyssia's place and Jenny's.  Midway on the Hill.   

I look.

Place.

She said,  Jenny,  on phone today,  that the MOSS has begun to show itself.  Hazel has been talking about Moss.  Moss.  Living in this desert world,  moss hasn't been.  Lichen,  yes,  but no moss.  

Moss.

hmmm.  a whole World of its own.  Moss.  eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Dakota has ducks.   This is the canal road.  The canal is part of the Hill land,  the Hill Place.  it includes the canal.  the canal road is used by the forest service.

Ducks.

what about Ducks?

As said.  There's just SO MUCH.  TOO much.  today,  which might change in a minute,  the Plan,  which is maybe Plan F by now,  the Plan is that Jenny and her man will come in his SUV kind of thing.  Her man's SUV kind of thing will pull the horse trailer that will bring the Bucks.  The Old Cowboy's Silverado Truck,  Jenny will drive that will pull the Faux Airstream full of doe Goats.  Sometime in

April.

MAYBE,  in one fell swoop,  I will load a Uhaul with all my stuff.  Travis will drive the Uhaul.  Which will tow the Honda car.    Today,  the NEW ADDITION to plan whatever,  is that i will drive the Toyota truck, Sunny!?????? with all my Stuff, that won't fit into the Uhaul...with Tay and Tazmeena.  

When?  well,  that all depends on when there is some place there for us to Be and all that depends on so many other threads.  

There is just so much not knowing.  We go.  We move.  Day to Day.

 

 

One Fell Swoop...the idiom

some of them

 

packing Goats.  Packing books.

it's begun

a Working Cloth

i said a couple days ago that this is Emrie's Cloth About Magic and it is.  But i realize it is not FOR Emrie,  but for All of us that will gather on that Hill in California.  It's a Cloth for the human endeavor there,  what will occur as it goes;   getting there and then being there.  It's a Cloth for the Hill itself that will receive us and what we bring to It.   Being wide open to Magic will be the key.  All the past(s) will be brought and Planted.  Magic will grow us.  Will grow the Life.

Only so many days now.  

Throughout the days and nights i find self  ~ off and on~  feeling almost overwhelmed by the not knowing and it is a waste of energy.  Needing to work with that and work hard at that,  i have found self going way back to when i was in Ann Arbor...same feeling but different circumstance.  I studied meditation with a woman who was psychic,  Cathy Florida.   That's a long story but i came away with the most fundamental,  Sanskrit,  Soham.   So.. the in breath,  ham... the exhale.  Soham.  I am or I am that.   It is said when a child comes into the universe, he/she cries by making the sound "Koham" to which the Universe replies back....Soham.  The universe tells her   "you are the same as I am".  

This is what i am doing.   Stopping,  whenever that wasted energy begins and repeating this until i quiet then continuing the just going.   It's Good.  And last night i actually got up and Sat for some time...it was warm enough in the house for this,  then fell into a sound sleep again,  waking this morning to stand in front of this Cloth.  Looking.  Then walking over to the small scraps baskets.  These arose.

 

were quickly placed and stitched without  "thought",  without hesitation.  and this is how it will continue as this time goes along.  First thing in the morning.  without thought,  without hesitation.  Whatever arises.  And then no "interpretation".   Just what is.   This Cloth will tell its own story.

 

 

 

 

 

hands smell like eau de Sunny Ray

he is getting back to his Before The Time Away self.   Back to Stinky Baby.  am working toward this.  For the Trip.  And talking with Alyssia just now,  she reminds me,  it's only just a day,  this trip.  Just one day.  A loooooong day,  but still.  Just a day.

 

lilacs.  Combine the fragrance of them with the scent of Sunny Ray....eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

 

and then the ephemeral lilt of the Native Plum....and EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeee

and o

and o and EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE....how the Native plum has taken hold of Place!!!!

 

they are Together now.  Stitched.

 

the folded over flap.  Under which,  today,  just for this moment,  i put a piece from Jude...her Magic black and white,  which i don't use because it's Her's.....but for today,  i put it here,  to Hold Place for what might need to be under the flap and then there's the Tassel made from many strands of floss that will need to be separated one from the other....slow going....but begun

 

the Mother Tongue

the language of Magic  which for me, is first visual and then sensory.

This is how the Creek taught me and how,  that particular day,  i understood i was being taught.  It was the 7th year.

When i say the Creek,  my Mother,  i don't just mean the body of water that meandered and flowed,  but everything around  her.  The trees, brush, plants, earth, rocks, sky,  light of SUN and then her other children...all the creatures, including me.

 

there was an old tree that had fallen across the Creek.   It had a bowl shaped indentation that my body fit into.  I would lie on my stomach,  my chin resting on her edge and just watch the water.  The drawing here is very incorrect but it's the way it went...as if i were looking down from above at that 7 year old self.  Proportion,  perspective is way off but it's enough so you might get the drift?  if you think of the tree as flat.  not tilted.   

I would go there and just lie on the body of the tree,  chin resting at her edge and watch the water flow.  Watch the reflection of the dappled sunlight through the leaves as they moved with the breeze.  The sparkle.  I don't remember having any thoughts or feelings.  Just a watching,  a sensing.  it was like dreaming.  This particular day,  i first watched the reflected light and the things that would come along, floating,  a leaf,  a twig.  Watched them come and watched them go along,  how the pattern of the water changed with their movement.   And then...i saw the shape and movement of a crayfish at the bottom on the sand and my vision shifted through the surface to  the bottom and for some beautiful reason,  i was aware of that shift....both of my eye's vision and my mind.  I did this over and over,  being fascinated by it and then it just progressed.  I watched the surface,  the water striders, the ripples they made and by shifting my attention i watched the algae that extended from the floor of the creek toward the surface.  I watched the whirlygigs as they spun and then dove down with their perfect bubble of air through the algae then rising up.  I  let my gaze descend slowly through the layers of Life to watch the caddis fly nymphs with their stickandstone houses traipsing behind them as they scavenged the sandy bottom,  minnows above in the middle of it all....Back UP,  Back Down.  Over and over and i was mesmerized by this.   All the while the sound of birdsong, the feel   of breeze in leaves and it was nothing less than total Magic.  I had no words for this but it was ok,  because i had no one to tell.  This was every day for that whole summer.

 

 

words later, but this Here, now

it's called.....Emrie's Cloth About Magic

I worked Away today instead of the usual Monday.  But i'd woken up with some raw thoughts.  Stood in front of Emrie's Cloth and looked down,  seeing this orange cloth from Deb Lacativa draped over a basket handle,  waiting.  You might remember it's been on and off the Wall for a while now,  has been appealing,  but also not colors i would easily use...there's pink in it.  And it's an odd orange.  I stared and then folded it over so there is a flap and pinned it....the combination of it and the FireFly cloth is, well....there is a tension.  But a very interesting tension, pulled even more by the black/white/red thread beads.   YES.

the thoughts i woke with were about all my i don't knows recently.  My hesitance and even resistance to go any further with a lot of conversation.  My hesitance and even resistance to answering and then making the effort to explain that would somehow demean something that is becoming more and more real in my life.  The questions from my brother brought all this to the forefront,  but really,  it's a lot about my being asked about LEAVING.    People say...an interesting number of them just bumped into like at the grocery or post office...people say...i hear you are leaving.  A couple have said,  I hear you are leaving to go babysit your grand children.  To this last version i just say....Sort of.

and I woke thinking i need to sit with mySelf and come up with some kind of words that can tell the Truth of why i am leaving.   and first,  i need to articulate to my Self what that truth is.  Leaving here is uncharacteristic of me.  

so...this is an effort toward that.  I hope it's ongoing.  I'd like to get clear.

so having the morning tea before going to work,  some thoughts came that might work 

but then other stuff came that was more of a truth.

It started with i want to be a part of Them creating Their World.   How my time is moving toward the ultimate end.  I want to spend these years Working with them to create the world they will continue.  Continue being Jenny and Alyssia,  but their Continuing would also be creating a Beginning for Julian, Destiny, Emrie, and Fate.  The Beginning of Julian, Destiny, Emrie and Fate in a rapidly changing world.  I'd like to watch this Unfold and i'd like to PARTICIPATE in that unfolding.  Add my two cents to it.

and i want to go so I can talk about Magic.  Every day.  As Part of the day.  Like speaking my native language.  Like speaking my Mother Tongue  (Maria....).  My Mother Tongue i learned from the woods and the creek of my childhood when that woods and creek were truly my Mother.   The language was Magic.  I'll talk tomorrow about what the creek taught me.    and this language of Magic is the language of this Earth,  this planet.  Those stars that don't even need or want a name.  it's the Magic of small softbodied brown beetles that become luminescent with LIGHT and transfigure everything by their innate urge to procreate. 

And,  if you are around them everyday,  not just a vacation,  if you are around them everyday,  you can talk like this with children.  They accept it as just your way of speech.  and it becomes Ordinary to them.  This is what i want.  I want it to become ordinary to them,  ordinary enough that they acquire as much of that language as they  want to.  

Art is Magic

Music is Magic

Leaves are Magic

Sky is Magic

Wind is Magic

Stone is Magic

Love is Magic

 

 

 

leaving it loose.....and addendum

over night and early morning

 

and as i go with the thread beads,  Magic teaches.  How it comes to us if we ask,  partners with us, some but is also Wild.   Wild is the important part....and i got this far and just STOPPED.....

stopped.  it was clear that something needed to be known,  so i sat and looked and Asked.  Leave the threads loose.  Ok.

 

this much today.  ok.

and back to the second pic....in the bottom,  in the Bloom of the Night Flower and then less so in the top,  near the Moon....i added some from the Inktense Pencil of Iron Blue.  This is good.

 

ADDENDUM.....

i quit waiting to hear and just went to lay down in The Bed which Has No War Outside.  Almost falling asleep and the PHONE RINGS.....

it went ok.  the Amniocentesis is done.  The ultrasound took over an hour.  They were patient and waited and looked.  They say nothing.  NOTHING that looked different than a regular fetus swimming along in a uterus.  She has all her parts.  Nothing remarkable.  She's regular.  Just a regular Being.

So.  it takes 2 weeks for the results of the Amniocentesis  but we are DONE.   Emrie.  Whatever she's got or doesn't Got,  she is coming.  She is Just Going.  and WE will Just Go.  OK.  and so much OK.