windthread

sometimes

sometimes you decide only to feel what that decision feels like so you can know you need to change it.

a long story edited to give YOU all, relief

UNLESS WE RE DECIDE,   we have decided as of today that pushing it,  pushing it no matter,  isn't the best idea.   I spent a chunk of time looking at temperature averages for several different cities along the way and it's 90's.   And the real truth is that it's hotter than "historical average",  not just now,  but last year.  And maybe even the year before.  It's just hot.

Earlier,  i'd gone  into town and stopped to get gas  only to find that the key for the gas cap was not with me.  I didn't have enough gas to get back home.  I was across from the new auto parts store.  Run by women.  I've never seen a man working in there.. Interesting..i'd never seen a man working in there. Hadn't thought of that till just now, typing this.   So i left the gas station and went across.  Could they pop or pry out the gas cap?  Consultations among each other and one young woman went out with me to try.  She brought 2 screwdrivers.  She tried.  tried and tried.  it was HOT,  we sweated,  her mostly,  i was just squating next to her,  watching,  offering useless conversation.  She worked and worked and i got to notice closely her hair which was a long ponytail with parts of the sides shaved off to the skin.  Nice.  and as she was working,  a vehicle pulled up with another young woman  all girly and two young kids.  Who joined us and obviously knew the one working on the gas cap who told her she needed something really "thin" and did she have something like that in the SUV?  she came back with a fork.  which didn't work but i realized that i had my jackknife and got that and after more work,  She POPPED it out!   There was NO WAY i could have gotten back home without this intervention.  Gas was on Empty.  NO WAY.  No one to call.  and it was

hot.  already in the 90's.

and it took her around a half hour.  At any point she could have given up.  It would have been FAIR if she had.  I couldn't  have blamed her.  but she didn't and wouldn't and i held out a 20 dollar bill and she said,  Oh,  NO!   Oh no,  i can't.  Oh NO,  i can't take that and i told her i would have been a dead dog without her and she said,  oh....No i can't and crossed her arms over her chest and i looked over at the Girly young woman standing there still and said is that your friend? and she said,  she's my wife.  And i held out the $20 to her and she too said, oh no......and i said yes and she said are you Sure? and I said beyond Sure and i stuffed it in her pocket,  saying get you guys something with it, or the kids.  It wasn't even enough for a pizza.  and i ordered a new NON LOCK gas cap,  went back over to the gas station and came HOME.   

I'd promised self   i'd take Tay for a ride in same truck,  the one we will drive to California...it's now after noon and 90 something degrees,  i'd vowed to take Tay for a ride everyday to get her used to it before Going,  and we drove along the ditch bank and it's a small truck,  like small,  meant to be a farm truck or something,  and her tail is often in my face and she hangs out the passenger window panting and saliva spilling from her panting mouth.   I think...17 hours.  

 

then the phone call from Alyssia where we Talk.   where we talk about how it is we WANT stuff but then there is the thing of Peace of Mind that she,  her mother and i have talked about as being the cornerstone.  Peace of Mind.  and how it's just going so slow there with all it is,  even though they are doing everything they can,  day unto day,  and we talk about how things just ARE,  not how we wish they could be 

and we Re~decide that it's just too iffy to make the trip in July.    it might be ok.  it might not.  To leave the well being of 24 sentient beings  "up to the Universe" does not work with the thing of Peace of Mind.  and maybe we don't have enough FAITH,  but well then,  so be it.   I will miss Emrie's entry into this plane.  I will meet her,  probably now in October when she is two months old.  I think she will be ok with that.

so i need to QUIT talking about Going.  I imagine it is driving You all crazy,  this going of mine.  So i want to quit talking about it.  When i go,  i go.  But till then,  there is so much more happening in this world...like the Naomi Klein article in the latest Nation which i want to put here tomorrow.

Now,  i'll just go give Water.  and give some dry cat food to that feral mother under the house.

 

 

 

just today and The Plan

another full day of Toyota truck work.  It's Hot.  and there are a lot of flies.  Flies are usually in the month of  August.  While they are out there under the truck,  i work inside for the most part..finishing the pantry,  under the counter by the stove and through the 3 kitchen drawers.  The middle one that is completely falling apart.  Maybe tomorrow i'll try to glue it.  Maybe not

 

 

so, in response to some queries re the Plan.  

the Plan is

between the 17th and the  24th

Jenny and whoever else will arrive.   They will arrive in a rented pick up truck.  That rented pick up truck and the old  cowboy's truck  will haul the horse trailer and the Goat Boat.  I will have gotten a Uhaul truck to take all my belongings.  Travis will drive that with Tazmeena in a cat crate.  That Uhaul will tow the Honda car.  I will drive the 1983 Toyota Pickup in the company of Tay.  Tight fit.

The Goat vehicles need to drive straight through.  Travis and I will  take two days because i need to.  I can't.  Can't drive 17 hours straight.  Never could and more so now.  

so we are talking about 17 hours.  Two days.  Just and only this.   To me,  sometimes it feels like a forever thing,  but its not...it's just those hours.

What it depends on is the Planet.  If we can get through in temps of 90's,  we CAN.  If the temps continued at 100 something,  we can't.  Goats can't.  

I wanted.  I wanted to be there.   I wanted to be there for Emrie's birth.  Maybe i can.  Maybe i can't.  She will be ok with it,  either way.

 

 

Emrie's Cloth about Magic

 

 

where does "appeal" come from?

 

running my hand through the scrap baskets  (3)  (small scraps)    and keep coming back to this one.  Thinking about how some things just appeal to us,  sometimes for no reason,  like,  there doesn't have to be a reason.  And they are not about becoming a Cloth,  but are simply Pleasing to look upon.  And then we add things.  or not.

so the Vet did come for a "consultation".  He'd not seen the actual transport Goat Boat before,  i'd only told him its dimensions.  I wanted him to SEE it.  I want to leave no question unasked,  have no lingering maybe nots.  Want everything i can think of,  thought of,  and asked,  evaluated.  There is always some hesitance about Asking.  If you ask 5 people,  you will get 5 opinions....all through individual "filters" of knowledge and experience.. at best.  So i didn't really want to ask him.  But i knew that it would eat away at me if i didn't.  

And so he said OK.  and if it seemed too crowded, ...  he surprised me by saying to stick a couple does in the horse trailer with the bucks.  Said as long as we were MOVING,  nothing would  "happen".  But in case we had to stop for a while,  pick ones we wouldn't mind having bred.  I don't think we will do that,  but it was an uplifting option that i would have never thought about and made me laugh,  visualizing it.

and we might.  MIGHT have dates on a calendar.  July 17 ~ 24.  somewhere there.  Things can change,  but this might be the Window.   MAYBE.   PROBABLY.   and everyone would set out at once.  They would get there first.  I can't drive 17 or 18 hours straight.  It  will take me two chunks of time with sleep inbetween.  

Travis and Everett came the second day in a row to work on the Toyota PickUp.  Today there was superglue used and wire and black electrical tape.  Those of you that pray,  please do.   I am finding out more and more they are the  "we can fix it"  kind where you just need to take a deep breath and be willing to Just Go.  so...ok, all that.  So today was today.  SUN is close to the Rim and i need to give water for the Toads.  Tomorrow is another day.

two days become one

arctica...wondering what it might be like to Ask.

 

Onday

 

even Just Going...who never tries,  but remembered that yesterday there were peanuts.

 

she who hesitates is lost.  Oona Claims space

 

 

 

Oona.  who in younger years was the most snotty.  Now,  with Onday,  gives the most Love.

 

Onday claims the Stump,  the wildest thing here in this Way Back.  In the new Goat Forest there is only Wild....fallen branches,  brush.  How will she claim that?

 

the tortiseshell mother cat who i have seen in the Way Back a couple of times.   Tay,  spending nights outside.    and here,  in the SUN of morning....at first i thought there were three.

 

 

i think there are 5 kittens.  FIVE KITTENS.  under the house.  I gave them all Water.  Them,  their mother.   Cats.

 

the date is wrong but close enough.  it was this morning.   When Travis and Everett came today,  a toad crossed the thing called driveway.  Going North to the stick pile.  As they were backing up to leave,  i had to yell STOP because the same toad was making its way back...WAIT and ok and it made its way back  over to where i was watering.  2 storms had come and gone.  Almost hail but not.  

I can't keep everything totally Safe,  forever.  

I can't keep everything totally Safe, forever.

how a life takes a lifetime to happen

this morning....at day break....

 

this was in that copper hanging basket under all the scraps in the bottom tier.  I didn't know that.

not even forgotten,  just didn't know it was there,  and really, didn't know it still existed,  and really, had forgotten making it,  and only remembered when it appeared up from the scraps.

 

 

 

 

around 20 something years ago.  When i first came here.  I would plant the seeds.  Grow the gourds, wait for them to dry.  Soak the skin off them,  rub them clean,  dry them again and cut them.  Remove the seeds for next time.    Paint them with oils and ink.  The bottoms were bowls,  the inverted tops...like this one,  hanging vases.  And other ways.

Looking at this....FELT SENSE.  about that Angstfull Urge.  About making the thing that can't exist.

 

 

three of these scraps,  Deb Lacativa's hand.  I come back to stand and look for what i am wanting to see.

 

 

 

 

 

this year's fallen Oriole nest

 

the collaboration.  Tay's work....chewing off the broken sides of a large basket and leaving the bottom intact as a shield.  My small scrap weaving.  Mo's pouch.  Together they tell such stories.

 

 

inside Mo's pouch is a folded paper tied with a Red Thread.  I've never opened it yet.

 

Making the Thing that can't exist. 

Because it's not ....a.....thing.  It is ManyThings,  it is the Experience of the ManyThings,  together and separately and together again,  in the taking of how much ever time that takes,  how many days or years.    Noticing how it all is a changing fluid thing,  and this is something of that thing of Diorama.

Diorama....maybe the Thing that can't exist is the Diorama that is my life,   and maybe it's something to do with having always been in a uhhh,  a place of Waiting.  Always Waiting until something has happened,  waiting for the space to open up,  open out....but i was Waiting.  

Looking back,  i have always been waiting.  Maybe that's just part of life. Maybe it IS life.   Wait till you are no longer a child,  till you grow up,  till you have children,   till those children grow up,  till you find a place to live and then other places to live,  to make a living so you Can live,  and the details of that,  to wait till a mistake is resolved by waiting for that person i was married to to finish his life,  waiting for the old cowboy to finish his,  waiting for the kids to find land,  waiting for that land to begin to create It's story,  waiting.    

and maybe now,  i have lived long enough to be able to arrive at a place of no waiting?  A place of IS.

i can finally be where i am.  which of course,  i always could have,  but i was waiting.  And maybe waiting is necessary.  Maybe,  as Alyssia sometimes says...."it's all just developmentally correct, Gramz".  

 

 

Alyssia wants Solar.  She is afraid of it too.  Hooking into the grid,  there's always More.   But she really wants her children to grow up with the understanding of Some.  of Some that's shared.  of Enough,  but the Enough being dependent on being mindful of the needs of others.  She wants them to understand Enough and Sharing.  Emrie will be born into solar.

I might come back later.  It's just after noon now,  but i wanted to get all the pics here while i can.  This internet gets slow and sometimes impossible later in the day.  I need this here,  so i can not lose it,  can re think it and see if it's true.

LATER...6:30 p.m.  Storms rolling through,  one on the heels of the other.  I leave this machine off.  So maybe i can't keep going with this,  but i love it and am energized by it.  So if not this eve,  then tomorrow.

LATER ii.   i  went out,  with Tay,  her on her long leash,  into the last round of Storm so far,  Great Wind and Thunder,  some rain.  She is afraid of storms.   We walked...she pulled and was excited,  we stopped at Margie's across the road where the two little pit bull boys spend the weekend,  and they were all beside themselves to be nose to nose.    Because of the Lightning,  we didn't go far,  but on the way back,  i let go of the leash to give her practice at staying close.  She did.  We need this for the trip.

LATER iii

the Storm knocked her.  I gave her a stick and some strong Cloth

 

 

 

easy Takes and just touching.... Then more

the "sunday school flannel board"....just there,  just for touching,  for putting.  right now,  it's enough.

 

 

i see them blurry,  but it might be the day,  not my eyes?  or the camera?  or they actually might be blurry,  but it was a day of on off Storm...i think of barometric pressure,  not knowing what exactly barometric pressure is,  but i think it fluctuated wildly and might account for the Blur?  or not.

 

 

 

 

Folds up.  An easy Take.  Mimbres pictograph design,  Gila (pronounced Heela) Wilderness area...those people just disappeared.  But left behind their images on pottery.  This little table thing done by Alz B's sister Bobby,  for her.  She never liked it.    It was the first thing i brought home after she left this plane.

 

SouthWest window...full to over flowing of scraps/fragments ....sorted,  dusted...the scraps and then the hanging basket submerged in kitchen sink with Simple Green and all the years of dust glued together with fly shit came away....I'd forgotten entirely that it's COPPER!    Belov~ed COPPER!  I'll need it...for what it was intended...vegetables,  garlic,  FOOD in the small kitchen space of the Hut.  TAKE.

report from the Hill.  They have made progress.  It's slow,  but steady.  Alyssia at over 7 months and the heat.  They get there at 6 am and work till they can't anymore.  Until Alyssia Shouldn't anymore.  Alyssia's water pump went out in her vehicle.  She'd hoped it was just the hoses and REPLACED those hoses over the top of Emrie,  but Not.  Not the fix.  To be towed on Monday somewhere for the repair.

Decision.  SOLAR.  ok.  there is trepidation.  What if we use/need too much?  How will that play out?  But we'll let it play out.  Solar.

Decision.  Alyssia will get a new washer/dryer.  That's my gift to the Well Being of the Whole.  I want her to get a good one that has that brain that Bill and Nelia's has,  that knows when there is just a baby sheet and a towel and 5 stinky wash cloths and puts that much water.  And knows when there is a comforter and a sheet.  and puts that much water.  At Alyssia's.

Decision.  Between Jenny's campsite and mine,  a shed that will hold the solar batteries and also a used washer/dryer that will be greywatered.  

Dream.  That maybe Gideon can just have the whole run of the place.  Even tho he can no longer Run.  That maybe he can be just FREE to go where he might please.  Up against the Doe's fencing,  over in either and all Campsites.  Just whatever he might be able to manage.  There is such LOVE for Gideon.  I told him all this a while ago...told him about it.  He is loved.

 

the storms.  Wind.  and it suddenly is 72 degrees and Windy and the relief is beyond Relief.  How it goes,  these days.  How it WILL go.  

something

wake up

 

hunger

 

105 degrees.  Next days,  storms.  Maybe a severe night storm tomorrow.  But back to the 90's.  Good.

 

cleaned bottom and middle shelves of  "pantry".  This one with 3 stainless steel pots for cheese making,  a glass lid that fits all.  Stainless steel colander.  Jars.  my family rolling pin,  the 4 Cup pyrex liquid measurer,  two flashlights,  jars of tomatoes that were not dated.  Will dump them out.

 

i have a thing for jars.  especially jars with black lids.   Take?  Leave?  I know that they have jars in California,  but.....eee,  

so,  Domestic

 

other.  it began with that turned head.  looking into the far distance...her ear.  Went from there with no knowing about what might be next.  Some kind of woven dome.  I remembered the book from so long ago,  The Kin of Ata Are Waiting For You.   I only have very vague impressions of that book.

 

 

 

 

finished

angstfull urge

under the Old Apricot...the Toads soaking pond.

Tay sleeps inside everynight until somewhere around 2:00.  I hear her go out...the rattle of the dog door that she barely squeezes through.  She sleeps outside till morning.  In the wet cool earth.

 

creating this Place for herSelf,  she excavated this Dangle Thing that i'd forgotten about.  I washed it,  hung it.  This is only part of it.  the Light makes it hard to photograph.  I wondered....Take it? ,  as i wonder about Everything now,  and i think,  yes.  I'll give it to the kids.  They can decide how it might be.

 

which turned my eye to this,  that has been hanging here in place for so many years.  Just Hanging. First,  when it was a screened in porch and then when it became the ROOM that Jenny and i made.

 

 

 

i need to take it down and clean it.  It's covered with fly shit and cooking grease,  whatever and the threads are stiff.  Is today the day?...not...not yet.

 

my friend Jane,  from when i was 17 years old,  i talked to on the phone and she told me about  two Ravens who come to where she is in Alaska.  and i remembered this...the chapter of Raven and get into the book packed tub and find it and begin reading again....

he writes things that no one else could or should...even try to.  He rides the razors edge of almost too much,  but never falls...his mind takes us places

and this and that thing that hangs in the room....I want to make things that can't Exist....i am full,  like full of Urge to make things that can't exisit.   What do i do?  with that urge?

Solstice

keep looking and you can find what you are looking for,  even tho you don't know what it is.

 

On the 19th,  Wake Robin,  velmabolyard.blogspot.com   at the very end,  she talked of a book called Nourishing Terrains,  the author,  Deborah Bird Rose.    I searched and found a Place that speaks the language that is in my heart that i have no words to say.  Words and Ways that i am hungry for to take with me to what's Next.   There is a lot,  from Deborah Bird Rose,  i've only begun but just this much right now...from her blog....Love at the Edge of Extinction:

"This blog is dedicated to life at the edge of extinction.  My life's purpose is to explore the entangled ethics of love, contingency and desire in the face of almost incomprehensible loss.  Social justice, ecological justice and human~animal relationships are a good part of it,  but the work goes further in wanting to help us to reconfigure our deep understanding of the world of life in this time of cascading loss."

The book...Nourishing Terrains is  "no longer available".  But there is so much else.  She and others have created an Environmental Humanities Online Course through UNSW,  Sydney Australia.

"The environmental humanities is a rapidly growing and evolving project.  We live within a rapidly changing biosphere, in the midst of dizzying cultural, political and ecological change.  It seems clear to most thinking people that time is running out for sustainable life on earth (as we know it)."

so this is a  "country" i can go to,  to learn what i need to learn to live There,  on that Hill,  with the born and the yet to be born.   the "entangled ethics of love" ....

 

she has a stripe~ed leg.  In solidarity with the young mantis.