sometimes you decide only to feel what that decision feels like so you can know you need to change it.
a long story edited to give YOU all, relief
UNLESS WE RE DECIDE, we have decided as of today that pushing it, pushing it no matter, isn't the best idea. I spent a chunk of time looking at temperature averages for several different cities along the way and it's 90's. And the real truth is that it's hotter than "historical average", not just now, but last year. And maybe even the year before. It's just hot.
Earlier, i'd gone into town and stopped to get gas only to find that the key for the gas cap was not with me. I didn't have enough gas to get back home. I was across from the new auto parts store. Run by women. I've never seen a man working in there.. Interesting..i'd never seen a man working in there. Hadn't thought of that till just now, typing this. So i left the gas station and went across. Could they pop or pry out the gas cap? Consultations among each other and one young woman went out with me to try. She brought 2 screwdrivers. She tried. tried and tried. it was HOT, we sweated, her mostly, i was just squating next to her, watching, offering useless conversation. She worked and worked and i got to notice closely her hair which was a long ponytail with parts of the sides shaved off to the skin. Nice. and as she was working, a vehicle pulled up with another young woman all girly and two young kids. Who joined us and obviously knew the one working on the gas cap who told her she needed something really "thin" and did she have something like that in the SUV? she came back with a fork. which didn't work but i realized that i had my jackknife and got that and after more work, She POPPED it out! There was NO WAY i could have gotten back home without this intervention. Gas was on Empty. NO WAY. No one to call. and it was
hot. already in the 90's.
and it took her around a half hour. At any point she could have given up. It would have been FAIR if she had. I couldn't have blamed her. but she didn't and wouldn't and i held out a 20 dollar bill and she said, Oh, NO! Oh no, i can't. Oh NO, i can't take that and i told her i would have been a dead dog without her and she said, oh....No i can't and crossed her arms over her chest and i looked over at the Girly young woman standing there still and said is that your friend? and she said, she's my wife. And i held out the $20 to her and she too said, oh no......and i said yes and she said are you Sure? and I said beyond Sure and i stuffed it in her pocket, saying get you guys something with it, or the kids. It wasn't even enough for a pizza. and i ordered a new NON LOCK gas cap, went back over to the gas station and came HOME.
I'd promised self i'd take Tay for a ride in same truck, the one we will drive to California...it's now after noon and 90 something degrees, i'd vowed to take Tay for a ride everyday to get her used to it before Going, and we drove along the ditch bank and it's a small truck, like small, meant to be a farm truck or something, and her tail is often in my face and she hangs out the passenger window panting and saliva spilling from her panting mouth. I think...17 hours.
then the phone call from Alyssia where we Talk. where we talk about how it is we WANT stuff but then there is the thing of Peace of Mind that she, her mother and i have talked about as being the cornerstone. Peace of Mind. and how it's just going so slow there with all it is, even though they are doing everything they can, day unto day, and we talk about how things just ARE, not how we wish they could be
and we Re~decide that it's just too iffy to make the trip in July. it might be ok. it might not. To leave the well being of 24 sentient beings "up to the Universe" does not work with the thing of Peace of Mind. and maybe we don't have enough FAITH, but well then, so be it. I will miss Emrie's entry into this plane. I will meet her, probably now in October when she is two months old. I think she will be ok with that.
so i need to QUIT talking about Going. I imagine it is driving You all crazy, this going of mine. So i want to quit talking about it. When i go, i go. But till then, there is so much more happening in this world...like the Naomi Klein article in the latest Nation which i want to put here tomorrow.
Now, i'll just go give Water. and give some dry cat food to that feral mother under the house.
