windthread

today

small things,  but things nonetheless.

 

from Fiona Dempster's  paperponderings.blogspot,  9/28,  a quote.

"so build yourself as beautiful as you want your world to be.  Wrap yourself in light then give yourself away with your heart, your brush, your march, your art, your poetry, your play.  And for every day you paint the war,  take a week and paint the beauty,  the color,  the shape,  of the landscape you're marching towards.  Everyone knows what you're against.  Show them what you're for."    Andrea Gibson,  Evolution

"Everyone knows what you're against.  Show them what you're for."

 

a second one...double click

 

click it

"Everyone knows what you're against.  Show them what you're for."

 

rain, thunder, lightening, SUN!!! brilliant!!!!, rain, thunder, lightening

and i continued trying to figure out what's going on with the water heater and finally gave in that it needed the heating and cooling guys to come because i don't have enough confidence in myself to replace a thermal couple and i called and they came and were great and so nice and competant and replaced the thermal couple that i KNEW it was ...eeee....

i took things off the walls and cleaned them,  putting in boxes or just letting go of

i took down the curtains,  the half curtains on the West Window s of the Room,  all coated with the Polvadera Dust and will wash those windows,  for Travis and Everett.  Everetts little dog,  who is the size of a baked potatoe,  Mr. Fluffy,  died last night.  He is Grieving.  i wonder if Everett will feel Isolated here?

i washed the beauty FULL African basket that sits day after day on the kitchen counter with seeds in it...other stuff like hose washers in it...washed it with a tooth brush...scrubbing it

 

everything but the last two are stitched down

 

the silk is the hardest to stitch down,  without flattening it,  taking away its beingness...

now...Thunder.  Lightning.  more.  Long talk with daughter.  They celebrated Fate's second birthday by going to the zoo....daughter,  Alyssia and Emrie,  Ashley, Fate's mother and Elijah,  Fates older brother who is 8.  Went to the zoo.  Which wasn't perfect but was what it was and we talked about that.  I am deeply grateful that we Talk.

 

beyond a shadow of a doubt

so i got there.  One minute late.  The entire court was filled with potential jurors.  Was directed to the court clerk to sign in and gave her my paper that i'd received in the mail.

 

this pic is from yesterday....the new HUGE tarp on the Alfalfa half ton bale. Beyond Awkward. This morning it was drizzling and there was....Fog....and it was all spongy underfoot and my socks were wet through the holes in my crocs and i Fed over an hour early...all Them still just waking up and trying to take in a very wet morning...not ready to eat and the feed getting drizzled on,  but me being the responsible citizen went forward so i could get there at the appointed hour.  And she logged me in with her computer and said ok,  gesturing across the hall to the FULL courtroom and i said....I need to go.  Do you remember when i called the other day  and you told me that if i was moving,  all i needed to do was Show Up?????  She remembered and said well if you will just sit through the morning...which meant sit through the initial sifting of jurists and i said NO....i need to leave now. I have Goats.   Silence.

and i remembered my X wood woman,  Judy of the Navajo Nation who told me how to do things.  Say what you want/need.  If they say no,  say it again and then just look down.  There will be silence.  it's uncomfortable.  But just keep looking down.  In the end,  just to break the silence,  they will say ok.   

in this moment,  i remembered that.  I didn't look down.  I looked directly into her face.  And after a few moments i said...

even if i would still be living here,  even if i wasn't moving,  they wouldn't want me.  Because there is Nothing that is beyond a shadow of a doubt.  I would cause hung jury after hung jury. Nothing is beyond a shadow of a doubt.  and then i looked away.  She handed me my paper and said ok.  Go.  and i did.

Julie,  of Threading the Dog,  wants to see a Scur Basket

 

 

 

the one under the Dalai Lama is this recent one of Sunny Ray.  The two that appear paired, are.  They are from Nogal.  The rest from various Goats,  including Barbara and Magic who i gave to Kelly because of the scurs,  because she had a partner who could help her manage them...if there is a partner,  there's not so much an issue as there is, me alone.  So different ones,  over these 5 years...that one at bottom left that looks like a tongue...that was Barbara's.

the teeny one from the other vet in town who wasn't into dealing with scurs.  so,  just the tip.

Scurs.  This is to Mo first....

Disbudding.   If you intend to take your Goats to any kind of "show",  as in competition, or the State Fair,  they cannot have horns.  So you disbud them.  Which means when they are just a couple or few days old,  you BURN the horn buds.  There is a specific tool for this.  If done successfully,  they will not grow horns.  If not successful,  they will grow mutant horns that often curve IN...as into the skull.  As in all the horns you see above.   Most times,  Goats with problem scurs are culled.  As in killed.

Natural horns.  I don't know.  Natural horns.  Arctica has her natural horns and also got her head stuck in the fence around the Way Back Oasis....3 times before she learned.  If  i'd not been home,  she would have died.  I was and heard her and went out and cut the fence,  freeing her. 

This is a question that will come up on the Hill.  Disbud or not.  Because there is such a lot of ROOM for them there,  they  may be left with their natural horns.  We'll see.

But Mo...horns as a defense...NOT.  No Goat is able to defend against a predator successfully.  Horned or not.  The predator will take them down.  Goats are prey animals.

but anyway...this basket...all these scurs...these really represent for me Fear.  12 Fears.  The anxiety in needing to deal with a horn that is turning in to a Goats skull,  knowing that it could cause great pain and then death,  knowing how they would not understand the procedure that would prevent that...just has been so anxiety ridden for me.   So...a basket of Fears.  This last time...what 2 days ago,  i finally was ok with it.  I trusted the Vet.  I knew he could do it...use that bone saw and cut it at the correct place that would not cause harm.  

 

Books.  packed.  changed and packed.  Things are very different tonight.

 

8 am, the appointed hour Addendum

today it was Sunny Ray's appointment with the Vet.  He usually chooses to come at 11 oclock on Wednesdays.  His half day.  The end of his half day.  But for whatever reason,  today it was 8 oclock.  Pushing it for me.  It had RAINED,  all last evening and into the night,  Stormed.  Lightning.  Thunder.  Buckets of RAIN dumping down from the sky.  NOT September.  But, yes, last night.  It continued this morning when i got up at 5 oclock something in order to be ready for 8 oclock.  Thunder.  Lightning.  I kept hoping the phone would ring and we would set a different day,  but no and 8  oclock came and went till it was almost 8 Thirty and they arrived.  By the Grace of Whatever,  there was a break in it all,  a reprieve and tho not Sunny,  it was Light and he and his assistants, 2, came in and we walked directly to Sunny Ray and Jack Flash's yard,  entered and as the gate opened and they went in,  Tay took a chance and bolted in too and I yelled HEY! and she rushed back out...but gave it her best try.....  and Sunny and Jack flattened themselves to their back fence and he was slow,  as he is.  Just standing there,  the Vet, and watching them as they watched him and his assistants just stood there and i stood there calling out to Sunny Ray...Ray Ray...it's ok, it's ok....and for some moments and then the Vet threw the lasso and it caught one of his rear legs,  he fell and we moved and the one assistant stradled him just behind his shoulders and i held his horns and pressed his face into my body and the Vet took out his surgical bone saw from his pocket and began.  Sunny has thick scurs.  Had he been left natural,  his horns would have been magnificant.  What he has now are the result of unsuccessful disbudding as a baby.  This Vet did that disbudding.  i mentioned it.  But Nigerians are the most difficult to disbud.  So no surprise.  We tried.  

Anyway,  it was WORK to saw that scur but he,  Sunny,  did well and pushed his face into me and did not utter a sound.  and then DONE!    Moments.  and we were Done.  Undid him from the ropes and he ran to the  back fence...stood there,  quivering.  He quivered.  He is the only one who has quivered.  

it's Done.  all the scurs are dealt with.  Done.  I have a basket full.  I added his from today. a basket full of my own Fear,...  for them,  something different.  I look at this.

  A basket full of scurs.  I should have taken a pic.

When i went back in the first break in the RAIN,  i took a pocket full of peanuts...salted,  in the shell,   and it's always so interesting to me that they are so forthcoming after that trauma,  almost more than normal,  how they WANT connection and both he and Jack Flash were so easy to receive the peanuts when i said their names.

And then,  Sunny Ray's father,  Old Gideon,  the old man,  this morning,  his coat was damp and spikey from the leaks in his tarp that covers his hut and so a trip into town for yet another tarp and swapped it out...the one covering that half ton of alfalfa that i have repaired twice with duct tape...the new one,  which i don't have much hope for,  put in place with some small struggle and then the ripped one folded and tied down over Gideon's hut

 

and it's RAINING 
AGAIN

and MORE right now and it's true,  that this life Scares me sometimes.  I get afraid of stuff,  but the Just Going of it...it is 

well

it is so Worth Doing.

 

and i almost forgot.  Tomorrow,  at 8 am,  i am expected to be,  by law,  at the county court house.  I have a summons for jury duty.  I filled out all the appropriate things ON LINE but still MUSt appear.  According to the phone conversation with the court clerk.  I told her that i am leaving the state in October and she said there will be no question,  BUT  i have to appear or there will be a warrent for my arrest.  Ok.

ADDENDUM

and it's still Raining and it doesn't stop and it's not Normal for September and my brother's son Charley who drags around the "diagnosis" of schizophrenic,  calls and we talk and we feel OK about stuff and each other and he says ok,  he is tired and going to sleep and i think,  me too.  I am tired and going to sleep.

noticing

how So many of the Cloths lately have Toad Egg cloth,  somewhere.  How i haven't really Thought about that,  it just has happened.  I was going to write about what that Toad Egg cloth represents tonight,  but there are Storms rolling through,  one on the heels of another over the

Rim

and just now,  another one coming...Very Strong Electrical Storms...Great Thunder,  Fierce Lightning.  Odd for September.

 

 

 

 

Watching...for the Window of moments,  when i can feed,  when they have enough time to eat,  in between.

 

 

 

 

without Fear

i went to the Gift Shop at Bosque del Apache Visitor's Center after i worked near there in San Antonio.  The Refuge is just down the way and i have driven that road so many times,  going to the Festival of the Cranes,  just going to There,  when there is no one there but me.  I went there for the last time to get all the birthday presents for all the kids that all seem to have been born in September and October.  I got a lot.  all the shopping done.  One Fell Swoop.  this next one is my son's daughter,  Giana Lily,  who i wanted named Alluvial Fan.  She will be 4.  They came last summer when everyone else was here....came, down from Colorado,  not far away, really.  But i've only met her twice in her 4 years.  partly because i don't go anywhere because of the Goats and partly because her mother has specific plans on how they spend their time.  They camp all over the state of Colorado,  in beauty FULL country and i don't blame her.  I also trust that Peggy,  Woman With Wings,  takes care of them in her way.  This is a comfort.

but driving that looooong road back,  the only vehicle on it,  New Mexico splayed out in all directions,  i was all full of feeling,  but then suddenly i thought:   They will be able to bring her,  next year even.  She will be 5.  They can bring her to California,  to the Compound and leave her with us.  ALL,    ALL of Us and the two of them can go off to the Ocean or to the Pacific North West.  Her mother would love this.  and We can KEEP her.  We can take her IN to US.  and it was such a beauty FULL thought.....

and i came home to a comment from Ali about.....the ambivalence in catching wildness,  the holding of opposites,  living without Fear...and  i was FILLED with such good energy.  YES!

living without Fear.

fear being pointless,  empty,  nothing really.  Living without Fear,  YES.  Many things become possible.

 

and my Friend remains here on the rocking chair,  now amidst the two shirts that Deb sent,  arranged in an Arch over her.   Slowly we become more and more friends as the exchanges deepen,  like how it goes with friendship...the deepening....

 

so for Giana Lily's birthday,  i got a Praying Mantis puppet and a book about Crows!  Sent to her from the Goat Grama.  and i look forward to the day when we can run that Hill with her.  How it can become a summer place for her.  How she will KNOW it and know her people.

....on.................................

look right about in the middle,  click,  maybe double click    a Perfect grasshopper leg.  Perfect.  in form,  design.  The kittens had left it for me,  near their bowl that i put food in.  It's so beauty Full,  everything about it just so.   

 

yesterday and today i couched oh so,  oh so, CARE fully the single threads of the Thread Wads.  The just Wild bits that had Wild threads....to try to keep the Wildness.  Something is always lost with stitching down but if you don't stitch down,  things fall off,  fall away and something Else is lost....

so.

and then...i used Deb's dirty thread to stitch one of those symbols that i have had for so so long,  the Thing that is Spirit made of Wind,  the symbol of Essential Beings from back in my "doll making" days.   And beside form,  the using of Deb's Thread was an experience in itself...how it is Alive.  I think about how she came upon this thread and saw it for ALL that it is and then makes more.  This to me is how human beings can Dance with what they Have,  Dance with it and in that way Talk to the Universe??????

Time changes.  The Circle begins gaining momentum....as the crickets drone their single note

Nights are "cold" now.   Here in this moment,  the fan remains On.  I'll turn it off when i turn off this screen in a few minutes.  But the screen door remains.  Somewhere in the middle of the night it shifts and i pull up the sheet and then soon after i pull up the doubled cotton cover thing.  Still i sleep naked.  but in a while more,  i am wishing i hadn't.  When i wake at that 2 oclock give or take time,  i will decide whether or not to pull the screen door aside and bring the Outside Door Closed.   I don't want to.  it disconnects me with All The Out There,  disconnects me with the Goats.   But it's getting cold at night.  October is when i begin burning a fire.  

Home again.

sometime last Tuesday,  late in the day,  there was no Internet.  Out of the Blue.  Late.  So i just went to sleep,  assuming it would be as usual in the morning.  No.  When i called tech support at Century Link,  they assured me that they were aware of the glitch and would have it repaired better than ever in no time.  Not.  and on into Thursday.  By then, i'd quit calling...the nice male voice on the Answer saying they were doing everything to correct the inconvenience.  Friday, same.  This is Century Link...a HUGE company,  raking in the dough for years.  I have both landline phone service and internet through them.  I kept thinking they could fly in technicians from where ever that knew how to fix this....but it felt like blah blah blah as it played and replayed in my mind.  After an initial conversation with an after hours Tech when i said i wondered if she realized how dumb her excuses were,  then apologized to specifically Her,  but asked her to "pass it on"...she said..."it's not just you".  and i thought yes...it's not just me.  And i wondered if the hurricane had in fact Puerto Rico where there is extended family.  No.  It's not just me.  She was right.  and right about then Alyssia called and said there was NO electricity for Puerto Rico.  Her son's Grandfather and many uncles, aunts, cousins live there.  He doesn't know them,  just in photographs that the New Jersey arm of the very large family have shown him.  His father's father.  His Gramma's sisters and brothers.  Photographs.  Family for them runs strong and deep.  He's been shown photographs to help him understand his Place among them.

Context.

So Wednesday i jonesed.  a little into Thursday.  then pulled it together some and finished the Gaia II  Cloth

 

this eased things.  She is in the shop.  don't forget that you have to go all the way to the bottom to the two little ..>> and click

and because of the disconnect,  i'd forgotten all about having ordered boxes from Amazon till there was the familiar roar of the truck and the toot toot and my beloved UPS Terri hauled out the two big boxes of boxes.  

i ordered boxes.   I was really unsure about this,  but i did it.  The alternative was to cruise the dumpsters behind businesses in town,  to look on the local buy sell and trade page.  But i was so uneasy about that.  EVERYWHERE in town,  there are cockroaches.  They are just regular citizens among us here in this climate,  like Florida, etc.  Even the most impeccable homes have them.  Out here in the outskirts,  i have been diligent to not bring any home.  close to paranoid.  and have managed for 20 some years.   To change that now,  worse yet,  to travel with some to California...eeeee.....

so i ordered boxes.    And here was UPS Terri toot tooting with perfect timing....

and with only minimal confusion i put one together and LOOK!...cookie sheets and part of the pyrex collection FITS!!!!!

 

the gallon Glass Jars.....FIT with room to spare for using linens to keep them safe...pillow cases,  towels,  etc.

 

this stuff

 

and then i looked at the flat containers i'd packed the books in.  Which at first seemed to be such a great idea but when i had to move one so i could find a book i needed,  i realized how unwieldy they are....Heavy and well...not such a great idea.  They will be really good for storage when i Get There...in whatever shed...but for moving them around,  Not.

 

 

EEEeeeeeee...perfect!

 

one of the flat plastic boxes fills one of these about 2/3  full.  and it's heavy enough to be heavy,  but to move.  

 

and i can fill the rest of the space with Beauty things,  with Love things.  They will be safe.

 

things that have been accumulating on the Altar shelf.  I can wrap them in newspaper and set them on the books.

and there was such good relief with all this.  It triggered the memory of leaving my home in Ann Arbor so long ago,  a whole two story house and basement and how it was so overwhelming that at a point,  i just turned my back and left it all behind.  This is my Last Move.  A lot i'll leave behind.  Travis and Everett like stuff.  and what they can't use,  they will take to the Flea Market and sell to people who Can use whatever it is.  But,  this is my final accumulation.  A lot of it,  i had thought to Leave.  But Alyssia is not for that...saying Bring it.  Just Bring it.  ok.  ok then.

and this,  with these boxes,  feels manageable and ok.  There's room for the bowls,  the plates.  The stainless steel pots for Goat Cheese.  Even,  the computer fits Exactly in one.  no wiggle room.  Exact.   Stuff.  Sigh.

and the other night,  actually on the night of Peace Day,  i woke at the appointed hour of 2 something AM  and was awash with feeling and it came to me to visualize all the people there in North Korea...all the people who are just like me,  living plain lives with plain concerns,  just like me and i was "instructed" to send them LOVe....to visualize them,  in their homes and in their countryside and to send them love and great wishes for Well Being that we can somehow find a Way to each other.  And tomorrow i'll google North Korea Country side and get a good pic of that for this mission.  

Some people are relieved to have no Internet for a while.  Not me.  I miss it.  I miss You All, like Sisters.  All my mundane stuff,  i miss you like Sisters.

Thank you for being here.  Big Love.....

 

saying goodbye pizza day and "friend".

y friend up in Magdalena emailed a few days ago....Are you still here?  There was an exchange back and forth and after a few less than comfortable exchanges,  it was decided that we would meet at a third mutual friend's home in town and i'd bring Pizza.  We did.  

we went back in time,  trying to figure out when we first became friends etc.  And as i figured it would,  the one friend got around to addressing the issue of how i had failed as a friend.  This is nothing new.  

so...we wandered through it all again.  I don't know whether we came to any conclusion,  but we wandered through it.  4 hours.  i think we all were honest.  We all displayed our "filters".   I will be 72 this birthday.  One will be 80.  The third,  most gentle of us is 80 something.    Old Women.  Eating Pizza, drinking red wine and being honest,  each in our own way.  It is what it was.

I had talked to Tina earlier...Our Tina,  who appears here in the comments,  our Tina,  talked to her earlier on the telephone.  About connection.  About the PULSE.  about the concept of "friend".  

so this eve,  i think about how i can sit in the physical presence of someone that i have known for many years.  How i can tap away here to HeartEnergiesOutThere and find deep sisterhood.  No need to go any further.  What is is.  And so.

 

talking about Tazmeena and place....she puts her self here in this large basket this morning,  and i had to do a double take...she looked so old and thin...like me...she looked so thin faced...in the basket and is she telling me something?    I looked at her tonight and she is her ordinary self,  not  this morning self,  but maybe she can have the basket?

and a PREVIEW

 

 

tomorrow.  just this,  for now.  Too many feelings,  too much.  Needs it's own Space.  But Here.  Humming their own Vibration.  eeeeeeee

 

 

how they say it now..."it's how we roll"

and here it goes.  October.  End of.   Talk has shifted from vague to detailed.  Which vehicles will pull what?  How to time it so it's all close.  How it all will go.  OK.  We're  GOING.  No specific day yet,  but everyone thinks that needs to happen within 2 weeks.  Requires plane tickets,  reserving UHauls,  reserving a rental truck probably.  This is a big Deal.  Talking with Alyssia today,  i said how,  when i think of it,  it is a case of what is NOW and then....THE MOVING.  The MOVING being getting into the Uhaul and Driving to California.  And there is a     stop    .  As if the driving to California is what is the rest of my life.  That i will be driving to California forever and ever into the sunset.  I know that's not true,  that it will be two days, tops,  but that's how it is in the moment.  I can JUMP to "when i get there,"  but it's a Jump.  and i have to actually move my mind.  

OK.  here,  things will need to shift.  I don't know what that means.  But there's a LOT TO DO.

 

in the Albatros

 

 

 

the large enamel canning pot and the Hat Box.  I don't know anymore what is in the hat box.  Might be the Elephant Tea Set?...or,  birds nests?

 

battery charger and one of the two circular saws

 

the other side,  the Goat side

 

 

Alz B's red child chair.  Will need to go.

 

a bird sat on the Oasis stick of the Raft.  Making it's singular sound.  You'll need to double click.

remember.  Polvadera.  the name of this place i live,  Polvadera means "nothing but dust".