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all day...i swore i wouldn't talk about it. The going. it's really gotten to be too much. But....alas...much of the day till late afternoon felt like Deer in Headlights. We might have a specific time frame. We might have all trucks and drivers lined up. We might be finally Ready. Looks that way. Feels For Real.
early evening color so strange,
i like it this way too
i found this brass trivet under the wood stove yesterday. I haven't seen it for years. Had been under there collecting cat/dog hair, dust, wood debris, spider webs and cloth fiber for years.
i had a book once, of ancient chinese symbols, like I Ching, but not I Ching.
so this trivet took me back to that...i wish i could remember more, but it seems it has become grist in the mill. I just remember making bold black Marks on a very large piece of paper, like large and taping it to the refrigerator in Ann Arbor, during the hard time, taping it there and how someone cut it. And it had to do with the going then. Didn't look at all like this one which is about balance
balance and a kind of sure fierceness. I love how plain marks and form can speak to the brain without words. Can speak a language of symbol and be potent. of use.
a trivet. having to to with wood and fire and heat and cooking, feeding. nourishing life.
so...i'm not gone yet. it didn't come together. and Bill calls, who would have been my co partner driving the Uhaul, Bill called and has the Flu. Sick. ok. Ok then. i talk to Alyssia, she will call tomorrow. We talk of next weekend. I see the little black line here at the end of each thing i type , it pulses, off on, off on, waiting for me to type more,
i went this morning before going into town, to Sydney's down the road, she had called and said she wanted us to have coffee...so i went and sat with her in the Sun, me having some of the soup she'd made and her, coffee and we talked, most like how We talk Here...Us, on this blog and related blogs and we don't see eachother much because we have lives, but we also hold such meaning to our Selves, meaning being Love, nourishing each other in subtle ways, not at all superficial and she's just bought a new car and asked if she can drive that new car to California and WORK with me there, and then Sheila, her marriage partner came out and said the same. Sydney you might remember is the "milk mother" to Talulah. So...already they Plan. and i'm not even there yet. But they are Planning. Is that BeautyFULL????, or what?.
and THEN, more still, Hilda who lives in Willard New Mex, a quilt maker, emailed saying she would love to come for the Hoya Plant. She is miles away. MILES., but she would come for Hoya. How so totally magnificant is THAT? like really, totally magnificant! Beyond.
and
i talked to Alyssia. there is an Address. NOT YET. because i am not there. But there is an address.
grace Maestas
P.O. Box 968
Oroville, California 95965
my formal legal name remains my married name, Maestas. NO Forrest, my personal name
here, Pricilla at the Post Office is used to receiving mail for me however, but there at the new place in Oroville, not. So...
Maestas
and if you put Forrest, well, i don't know. Probably will be sent back.
but i have an ADDRESS! even tho i'm not there! Magic, yes?, yes.
wanted to see what it might be like....Deb Lacativa's Dirty Thread for the leaves, there's going to need to be a LOT of leaves, that canopy that Jenny told me about, so a lot...thick
Deb's thread is beyond FINE. i can barely stand the pleasure of it. Like i say about drawing with graphite...Better than sex. it's like that.
the soundtrack of Now and as i imagine it, the soundtrack of getting there and then the soundtrack of learning There . Maybe the soundtrack of all the from now on Going. ?? You can find it on UTube.
What a brilliant young woman she is. Like the brilliant young women of my daughter and grand daughter, i LOVE young women, how they carry SEEDS of Everything in their Going, how great it will be to have the privilege of watching this Happen, young women flinging life seeds
got this from Montana Joe, manhandledthreads.blogspot.com some years back. For no other reason than its BEAUTY and GENIUS. Will pack it in the black toy box. For the kids. So they can understand history.
it's 5:38 pm. so close to Dark, but still some vague light on the Rim. To be honest, i am grateful for night. This waiting is hard. Night brings a kind of reprieve, in the crazy dreams that have stuff to solve and resolve but won't happen, really. Bizzy, but of no consequence, unlike the Day.
do i take Her?
just some on the branch. Already, i can feel the influence of the Hill. Jenny describes to me the overhead canopy of branches and how the poison oak vines are "really quite beautiful", she says,
how they travel over head. Branch to branch, tree to tree. Her, who gets a patch of ITCH everytime she works there. No one else does. But then, none of them go into the thick of it. Just her.
my daughter.
so...i can already feel the Hill as i work on this Cloth and i look at that diamond with a dot on the face of the woman and i can feel, how once i get there, and am there for a few days or some days, i will make that mark on my own face. My skin. With what?...don't know. but i will. I might be the only one to see it. OR, maybe i will do it when the kids are around? How might i explain that? or will i even bother.
Old Nana has a diamond and a dot on her face today. maybe good enough. Jenny and Alyssia wouldn't blink an eye. Old hippy. then New Age mama. Now an Old Dog Old Nana.
i worked the pellet bucket with Sunny Ray and Jack Flash today. Making them follow me. Sometimes into their feed bowls which i would move here to there, sometimes from my hand. Sunny Ray being such a total mess of bodily fluid and desert sand, but he nuzzled the pellets from my palm and really, his lips left no stink...how amazing....
I LOVE Goats.
Unless things shift a LOT, from now on, this will be just a journal of the last days. I will be able to look at the pics and remember the day...the thoughts and feelings. So, no need for comments, unless you feel like you want to. It's ok. just a proloooooonged going and really, after a point, what can we Say?
Travis and Everett came and brought turkey sandwiches from their weekend with family in Deming. We looked at where we are in the moment. Took the Horse Trailer off the blocks. They had brought some wood to burn. Cottonwood, which i don't burn, being a wood snob, but it's what they will burn and it will be their winter. There is a continuing of small things. Gestures now, really. If i had to, i could do it in an hour.
Wheat, who i finally decided to leave to her own karma, became Brave today. As i was feeding this morning, back and forth to the buck yards, i turned at one point and there, right behind me, she WAS. Her tail straight up like a flag. Trotting along. I yelled HEY! and Tay saw her and she RAN back under the house to her Way Back World. What to think of this. How she really wants to be Part of things, not just the underhouse cat in the way back. SHE wants this. no encouragement from me, except that i feed her twice a day. I don't touch her, talk to her.
and there are mice again. Happily popping out from a new hole over the wall plate behind the cutting boards. Last night chewing a hole in the Frito Bag. How they too would like to just be a Part of things here. The Tin Cat no kill traps are set this evening.
Jenny was supposed to call this evening. So far she hasn't. If she doesn't, it means that they weren't able to get as far as they had hoped. I ordered the composting toilet. It will be delivered to her on Friday and hopefully one of the homeless persons that pass her porch daily won't snag it. I watched 3 Utubes on how to deal with what you get when you empty the bin of the toilet. The combo of shit...
most commonly referred to as Poo
shit and coco coir. It's not "finished" yet. That takes a little more time, from the emptying out of the toilet thing to being ready to put out. Like under trees and bushes. There is consensus at this point that it will not go on food beds. But the more i educate myself, the more i think that will change.
So...that's today. it's dark now. Tomorrow will be here any minute.
things had gotten out of hand. Cluttered. so to ease the claustrophobia of that, i corrected. sorta.
and there, under the scraps of cloth...the new plate for the horse trailer. I'd forgotten. Good thing it was right here. I still want to just tie each basket of cloth into plastic garbage bags. Not empty them. I can't think of a reason i can't do that???? Why not? They can stack on the top of other things. ?
and more phone early morning with Jenny before she set out to the Hill for the day. We talked about that list of links to appliances. Talked about the growing awareness of how this will be a challenging difference. on and on. I love her style. She slowly lets go of information as it becomes more sure. We circle back to remind ourselves of conversations that took place months ago and then had become refined...this morning, it was about everyone needing to think really hard about their most bottom line thing they really wanted. That they would be hard put to do without. Alyssia wants an automatic gate at the road fence. With a solar eye. The trampoline for the kids, which is already there. Jenny's man wants a circle drive around campsite A and internet. Jenny wants an incinerator toilet and a good refrigerator. She says their initial imagination about their own house has become smaller. ( It was small to begin with). She said.....and what did you say? and i said....a porch/deck and my computer as is. Big clunky, no laptop. Done she says. Said she found a totally perfect solar set up that will support the computer.. and also one other modest electrical thing, like maybe my oscillating fan that i love, maybe my natural light gooseneck sewing lamp. The printer. Enough for like 2 things a day of Sun. and then she let go of another detail about the Campsite B Hut....it comes with a porch. Way back when, i had also said i'd like a windowsill. And i want a screendoor. But those can come over time. I didn't mention them today. and really, i know she remembers. She remembers stuff. Because she listens.
we had talked yesterday about a two burner counter top cooking thing. That was one of the links. I liked it. It's fine. and i then thought about how for a long time i have wanted to learn to cook in a Cast Iron Dutch Oven. Outside. a stone pit. Specifically, a Lodge Deep Camp Dutch Oven. 12"/8qt so the two burner counter top would be fine. And i also remembered that i have that Sun Oven out there in the Airstream that i can't use here because of Wind. The kids can learn to cook/bake with that. On their own. You can make bread in the Dutch Oven. so i was all happy. and then this morning there was a new link to look at...a small propane stove that she said was cute as a button.
i looked and lo and behold,
an all black version of my beloved stove Sabine!!!! SAME stove except that Sabine is stainless steel door, broiler. At the time i bought her, i would have gotten all black but no one had one. SABINE!
so i sent pics. Haven't heard yet. Sabine is an apartment size stove. she's propane here. She is the FIRST appliance i ever bought New in my entire life. I have mentioned her before but got ignored. Don't know what she imagined, but i guess not cute as a button...so ....maybe i'll take her.
Either way, i will have an unvoiced wish come true. All my kitchen will be BLACK. The refrigerator, the utility tub sink i want, the counter top burners and/or Sabine. Black. EEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee! and even more EEE because there will be ONE ROOM...so the kitchen will be a significant part of the decor.
How spoiled we are, americans. Even americans like me.
First was going back to Michelle's Blog.
here's the link, but you will need to type it in since i still don't know how.
http://mscomfortzone.blogspot.com/2017/11/current-events.html
it's beyond worth making the effort.
once there, there is so much. but where i was today was the WNYC.org interview...Right above Recommending.... The Will to Change....Men, Masculinity and Love
Michellel's pic was blurry and this is blurrier, but that's ok. It requires the will to see. This is extremely important. Will. The Will to.
and then
I go through the links that Jenny sent me about appliances for the Mystery Box at Campsite B. I see that it's all about Propane. Hmmmmm. and this is about the verbs of ....To Plan.....and To Imagine. There was great effort to Plan. But i think, all the while, there was great will to Imagine. It seems that the Imagining has won out. It seems that we are heading Off Grid after all. In the beginning, off grid to propane. and then as it goes, Solar. The easiest, most comfortable, most familiar thing to do would be to acquiesse (sp) and hook into the electric grid. And most likely fall back into familiar ways. The move to propane requires constant mindfulness of usage. The supply needs to be monitored and replenished. It doesn't just flow. You replace what you use. So what you Use becomes very KNOWN. if you over do, there isn't any more.
so. aside from learning new ways to monitor my bodily waste, i will be monitoring my USE of Everything. Refrigeration, hot water, flame to cook, heat of the mystery Box for the next 2 months.
i am one old Nana. and this will be a challenge. Alyssia is a young mother of 3 children. But she wants this. She wants them to know their Mark on the Planet and is willing....has the Will to go for that. I hold her in the highest regard.
i am at that point where Enough is Enough. or, very near it.
I could go tomorrow. Just stuff things into the Uhaul. When i lost energy for that, just let it go.
There was some Phone today. A lot of just sitting Out There, watching the Goats. Cinderella is in a Hot Heat. Nigerian Dwarves come into heat monthly, unlike many other Goat breeds that are seasonal. But for whatever reason, November and December are particularly HOT months. Maybe because then there are kids born in the optimal months of early spring. If Cinderella had her way, she would be kidding in April. Perfect. She does not have her way and stands there at the gate of the middle Doe yard vocalizing her Need/Desire. She's never been bred, so it's all in her imagination, but ...... Her voice is unpleasant. Like Really. Loud and gutteral. a long low Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat. Then some fast abrupt blips. Repeat. Over and Over. All Day today. The buck Goats stand in their yards all transfixed with their upper lips curled up, best to sniff her. They blubber on each other, then curl their upper lips, then squirt urine and jiz all over themselves. Sunny Ray looks horrible. He's mostly white and his sticky stuff is yellowgold mixed with brown of dirt. he looks horrible. Nogal is dark and also not so messy. Maybe because he has never had an opportunity to Do the Deed before? I don't know, but he looks pretty nice as he curls his lip upward. And then, TenZen. Who knows what's going on from past experience but just pretty much wants to stay out of Nogal's way,,,,,quietly curling his own lip in the far yard. The rest of the does pay no attention in the moment today. Wander about or lie down and stare off into the NoWhere. They are so interesting to me. I love them so much. I sit and watch them, Visualize the Journey and the Arriving. Then focus on them finding themselves in that New WonderLand of the Goat Forest.
Tay sits with me. Chewing her wood root. She's so great at just being. Soon for her too, things will Change.
mid afternoon everything got stitched together. The tree branch begun. We will arrive in California Winter. Soft rain. Filtered SunLight, Jenny says....knowing i am not fond of rain. But she says it will be ok for me, an ok rain. soft. filtered sunlight, like a sigh. she says. "you'll like it", she says. She says that a lot lately. ok.
i remembered today, i've written this here before a couple times. I remembered today Cathy Florida, a woman who i first learned Meditation Practice from. She was also psychic. I had a meeting with her. Mostly about the craziness between Jenny and i. Jenny being so young, so head strong. Me feeling angry and helpless. I remember at the beginning of our hour, she invoked all her Guides. They were many. She also had a very old Bible. Like the buddhists, she clipped a strand of my hair and placed it in that Bible. and sat a while in silence. I don't remember a lot from that hour. I told her my angst with Jenny and her baby Alyssia. My helplessness.
What i do remember is her saying....This is Old. Nothing new. You have done this before. There will never be a bonfire....out of control....but there will always be embers. glowing. Always. She also said, you will go somewhere that begins with C. I can't see any more than that. It begins with C.
when i came to New Mex i wondered...but no C except for Carrizozo...a ways away from where i am now, but Carrizozo wasn't it.
C
it begins with C.
there is an interesting Energy rising that i don't know much about but its supported by small but certain, to me, signs. This morning began with the words floating through...Peace of Mind. and i thought about those words...what do they mean? I wasn't at all sure. and the next ones that came were the By Words of On Being, Krista Tippet....."Stay Curious"
Peace of Mind. Stay Curious.
I have been listening, not once but more, to the interview with Bell Hooks on Michelle's Blog, Ms Uncertainty Principles. blogspot .com You can just click her name on comment here and it will take you there...
I'd not known Bell Hooks before her post and watched the interview video and am Very Interested in her thoughts...she has a book....The Will to Change...Men, Masculinity and Love. I listened to her and want to read this because there is a man in the making on the Hill, Julian, who is 8 years. And i hear myself often with the words "girls rule" and i know my JOY that Alyssia's baby was a GIRL...Girl Power, and i know that i love Julian very much and that he works to understand his male self already in a world of predominately women.
and Bell Hooks....radical openness I have a very vague image when i think of these words...radical openness....it's some kind of flange, moving. That's all i can say right now.
and yesterday, my daughter Jenny said to go look at Slab City. Utubes. This is an example of why i love her, or one of the reasons, both her and Her Daughter Alyssia, they have these minds, that are so curious, so open, so Interested and so much without dead set opinion, pre formed opinion. There's a lot of breeze in their thinking.
just stuff to pack...like our minds
and i spent a good part of the day, when not Cleaning the Pantry shelves and the bathroom closet, doing the final reading OnLine about Composting Toilets and making a decision that Jenny had requested. Now's the time to Order such. Have in place in that mystery box hut home in that circle of Hill of campsite B. She wanted a final decision. Ok. Nature's Head with spider thingy. Amazon. OK. Done. I'll learn to deal with it. Learn to deal with my own shit in a new way. Life is GOOD.
where i am this morning
Jenny sent this pic this morning. It's campsite B. Where i will be, in one form or another, in 7, 8, maybe 9 days from now. It may look exactly like this when i arrive. OR the footings might be in. OR there might be my new Box home. OR part of it.
I can't believe that she made me a circle. a circle. I have a circle.
When i talk about snail mail, postcards, this is what i intend. Even if there's no Box home, there will be the travel trailer in her Campsite C. It has a generator. And even if there's no Internet for a while, I still can take pics off my camera and load them on Picasa and then print them, send as stationery. PC and printer are independent.
i have a lot of addresses and if you think i might not have yours, and if you want to, you can still email me. The tinfoil is working wonders and nothing is amiss as yet this morning. But you never know.
MORE LATER today, again, if the tinfoil holds. Tinfoil. imagine that.
