windthread

very tenuous

off all morning...just now....who knows how long.  So if Joanne's Tin Foil suggestion doesn't work,

and if i just am not here,   please know that i'll be back sometime,  soon as i can.  That i'll miss being here.

 

and Sitting in the Morning Chair this morning,  i went through that Drawing Book that i'd begun for the Field Notes.  It will be where things are when not here.  And some loose pages in there,  looking through

This from Nancy Erisman, pomegranatetrail.blogspot  June 3, 2017.   Not written properly because i don't know how to single space for the poetic form....forgive...

 

Sometimes

Sometimes  if you move carefully through the forest,

breathing like the ones in the old stories,

who could cross a shimmering bed of leaves without a sound,

you come to a place whose only task

is to trouble you with tiny but frightening requests,

conceived out of nowhere but in this place beginning to lead everywhere.

Requests to stop what you are doing right now, and

to stop what you are becoming while you do it,

questions that can make or unmake a life,

questions that have patiently waited for you,

questions that have no right to go away.

                                                                  David Whyte  from Everything is Waiting for You

 

so for a while,  all the cloths will rise up from the images and feelings of these words.  This will be the first.  I'm hoping there will be many.

ok....am going off here right now and wrap the tinfoil.  

Love to You All

 

 Jenny sent this just now

 

Where I'm going.  

 

 

 

interesting happenings

woke this morning to NO INTERNET.   Spent some good minutes,  adding to good hours trying to check it all out from my end here to no avail.  Waiting on hold with dumb music for Century Link to respond,  the response being a nice woman somewhere telling me that my modem is outdated and dead and i should sign up for a new and different one,  that i can Rent or Buy such a modem and she would connect me immediately to do which ever i might prefer and i said NO...neither.   

and and but all day i had.....Out Here in the Way Back Country with no connection to anything and it was a good experience,  for the Soon,  when there will be a gap in connection, how long i don't know

but i DID feel  

DISCONNECTED.  So i tried,  once more,  now it's dark night,  and EEEEEEEEEEE!   it went through???!!!!!!  and here i am??????   Will i be here in the morning?????   Who knows.  But it kindof feels like a set up.  Make people miserable for a Sunday,  so they sign up for renting or buying....?  Maybe not...but  whatever,  I have a week or so left.  Going to play it by ear.

 

reset

YES!...finally.  and having nothing to do with me.  Just of its own accord.  Yay!

don't know why,  but at some point mid morning,  it was clear that Every Little Thing Gonna Be Alright!

i was in the midst of moving things from here to there.  emptying the toy boxes and thinking how the printer and monitor can travel in one of them.   Finding wool felt and scraps in one 

 

and giving in.  Putting those in the big shallow basket that Tazmeena has commandeered of late.  She uses it in the morning...it's on the counter that gets First Sun.  At night she sleeps on the futon couch but not happily.  In the old days,  she slept on my legs but she doesn't like the cot bed so, alas, the couch.  But it's getting cold nights.  Tonight will be 29.   Everything got shifted today,  even all the boxes shifted around and she found it disturbing,  like cats do.  All day she complained.  So,  we'll see how this works for her.  I brought that basket with wool to the couch for the night.  Maybe.  She did not seem thrilled.

and somewhere,  in the midst of the Just Going of all that,  Everything got OK.  I even "checked" .

"what about if all the doe Goats are too many for the Goat Boat?..."  ans:  there are 3 transport crates that can go in the back of the pickups.    "what if the guy that Bill knows with the pickup doesn't decide to participate?"  ans:  google pickup truck rental.  Albuquerque.  Yes.  ok.   "what if the buck Goats are too rowdy in the horse trailer?"  ans:  oh well,  it's up to them.  "how do we give them water along the way?"   ans:  with a bucket.  at a gas station.   "So,  what else?"  ans:  nothing.  that's it.

and suddenly,  of it's own accord,  everything got OK.   and there's more....   Was looking at Liz's post on I'm Going to Texas.blogspot,  her pics of work on her Place,  what's growing what's seeding  and i felt energized about the Hill in a very joyfull way and suddenly remembered to go out to that hat box from the other day,  to find that gourd,  well,  two of them...

 

 

 

i grew these gourds the first year i lived here...22 or 23 yrs ago.  Dried them then either painted or drew.  Took them to the Santa Fe Opera House Flea Market.  These are the tops of the gourds,  cut off and inverted to become wall hanging vases.  They actually hold water.  This one,  the lizard wraps around.

 

but it was This one.  A gourd.  with a clothesline.  a single piece of cloth.  This One.   Holding it,  i was able to imagine a clothesline on the Hill.  Near whatever home i end up with,  maybe even being a Dog Trot.   

Clothesline.  the second cloth i attempted after finding Jude was of the clothesline and First Bird.  What's the magic of that?  the Power of that?  Everywhere i've lived,  i've strung a clothesline.  Back in those vacation camping days,  when the kids were little,  first thing up was a clothesline.  

so it's a clothesline.  strung between some kind of trees there that i don't know yet,  but strung in my mind's eye and waiting for us to get there.

looking at it

on again off again night.  Which is ok.  It's how it would of course go.   Waking and for those milliseconds,   everything is just...well,  it just is,  and then the memory drops down.....OH!...ok,  the Going.....  So i got up this morning finally giving in,  and determined to take self in hand and Cut It Out.  Look at exactly what it IS and find a way to work with it.  

but mind was scattered and wouldn't stay anywhere for more than a moment.  And i once again looked at Jude's last few posts and wished that i could sew patchwork.   How good,  i imagine,  that would feel. Small square against small square,  growing,  going.   But i can't.  Square with square into path of squares is uncomfortable to me.  I just can't.   But thinking this,  i thought,  what Can I?    and then,  How can I?

 

and as it goes,  a piece of muslin was at hand.  The #2 pencil.  Ok.  

What came was Us.  Dog  Goat Woman Cat  and,  the Eye of Wisdom of the All.   And again,  i thought,  

we can't get there unless we go.

Cynthia had given us these numbers a while back,  but it was too soon for me to absorb them.  I google mapped.   17 hours 7 min   OR   18hours 27 min  depending on route.  

THIS IS MY FEAR.   it IS a long time for Goats to travel.  for sure.  nothing imagined about it.  Long.  But when i asked the Vet i also can hear him saying....."Goats are tough".  

So i took some time to remember bringing them back from California those 5 years ago and remembering how several of the doe Goats were so close to kidding.  Ginger kidded within a week.  They made it.  It's true,  that 5 years have passed and there are no young ones anymore,  but they also are healthy and strong.    and i then took myself through,  to after those hours of travel,  to the turning them loose into their new world,  how they will be surprised and unsure,  but also they will find themselves in a world beyond anything they might imagine,  of brush and bramble,  trees.  Trees.  How Tay will be turned loose.  to Surprise and Unsure.  Tazmeena.   same.   

and i went ahead,  just Holding this.  went ahead to  pack  plates,  all but one.  Bowls.  all but one.  Packed the radio.  the clock.  Stood and looked.

Except for the baskets of cloth,  it's ready.  All the caste iron pans etc can travel on the floor of the car and the truck.  All this rest can go in the Uhaul.  There's not much else undone.   There's the final OutSide...the raft.  Snowbunny's grave....some things there...like the Child Buddha.

But really...we are Ready.  We just need to Go.

 

 

Ready!

my Friend has remained here on the rocking chair all along.  I talk with her in passing.  She's quiet.

For the first time this morning,  i was excited.  For the first time,  felt like i could INDULGE in excitement.  That it's so close,  so almost for sure....that i could let self feel excited.  As i had my tea,  i imagined many things.   And then Alyssia called and i pried more info out about the mystery house.  She said that things have changed so many times,  they have come to view everything as tentative.  And have come to know that what might seem for sure in any moment,  might suddenly not be able to happen.  But i weedeled out that,  In This Moment,  the plan for my little wooden home is actually two little wooden rooms,  joined together by an enclosed deck.    She wouldn't give more,  but just that is so FULL of images to imagine.  How Great would that be?   something like what is referred to as a  "dog trot".   you can find dog trot on google.  And in that dog trot space is what Jenny imagines a space for a wood stove.  For the dye work.  For morning tea.  

So it might end up being this,  or it might end up being something else entirely.  But none of that really matters.  What matters is that i am Going.  it's Time.  and the waiting has been of good use.  I feel very Ready.  

tomorrow i will stitch my Friend...take out the pins.  Get her ready for the trip.

how it might be

if it goes how it might,  i could be on the Hill two weeks from today.

the New will have begun.   All the scarey things Behind....that being the trip itsSelf.  Over.  We might be There.  

it's interesting what they tell and what they don't.  She went into great detail, daughter,  preparing me for the 2 things...one i would hate and one i would love....i picked the hate first and that is that they had to scrape away some of the native grass on campsite B,  to prepare for my "place".  No hate.  Love was that they ended up making a circular drive around a Big pine tree dead center in front.   the Love part of that is how ....I....love it when i get an example like this when they are thinking through MY mind,  being sure they know.

and as an example of  being sure they know,  she said my House would arrive this week.  I said...  OH, my quanset hut?  and she laughed and said NOoooo!  That was a long time ago!  i thought, well....long time ago or not,  it's the last i heard.   Not the quanset hut?  No!  Then WHAT?   Don't worry, she says.  You'll love it.  A little wooden house.   and as they say here in New Mex,  she says  Don't worry.  " I KNOW you".    you'll love it.   

So....ok.   it's dusk.  Two candles,  two levels that i have no clue how they work,  a hummingbird nest and the Old Cowboy's Clock.    A leveled homesite missing some grass but a very  large pine tree,  and a little wooden house that i will love.  But she won't tell me more.  That expression arises.

Sight Unseen.

ok.  We're going.

 

 

 

weave....and then, later

This Old Nana garment...i don't like that word,  or.....haven't.....but i don't want to call it a jumper either...this Old Nana uhhhhhh,  Covering.  Maybe a Covering.  This Old Nana Covering was still hanging from that beam near the Morning Chair in First Sun....that bloomed through....and the weave was exposed in all its Glory.   Just LOOK at this.  This woven cloth....threads.....Jude would know.....This is just so magnificant to me....a whole world of threads connecting and holding.   The Beauty of it is just enough to make you feel faint.

 

i changed Her.  Her left leg.  It'd been bent at the knee too,  but i changed it so that it's extended.  There's more to do,  the thigh.  And then also the feet that are crucial....the toes.  The toes of lizards are sublime.  Her Eye.  But i did her tail,  with Deb's Thread,  with Turquoise...like they are.  She is a Phantom.  I will have a Phantom near my heart.  Wherever i am.

Later.

there's been another shooting.  an elementary school.  i see that it's in Northern California,  not too far from where my family lives there,  the children,  their mothers,  the new one, Emrie.   The wounded child is at the hospital where my daughter works.  How we are all vulnerable now.  Children at school.  I make this Old Nana Covering,  a phantom lizard near my heart.   I think how Julian and Destiny,  ages 8 and 9 know the news...it goes through their own school.   I think.   A lizard near my heart.  I Go.  be Vulnerable.  It might be us.  You never know.  But still.  the Going.  the wearing of a lizard.  

 

wearing what i love

i got this from the Thrift Shop a long time ago.  Years.  I though it was really BIG,  but it turned out when i put it on the other day,  it just was really LONG.  So i cut it off and hemmed it to mid calf.   It's medium weight linen.  I'll wear it as a jumper,  over a long sleeve cotton T shirt type shirt,  probably black.  Black leggings and then wool socks in birkenstocks.  A zip front black hoodie.   Like maybe when i might want to go to the kids school for something going on there.   My Old Nana dress up outfit.  

 

 

i said something in the last days about knowing i'm going to need to Evolve.  But i also want to keep the Thing i have already evolved to.  Toward that,  this morning i stitched some of the toad egg cloth and then,  began a Lizard.  These are on the INSIDE of the front placket.  By my heart.  No one else will see them.

 

right now,  Lizard is hard to see.  Looks something like this.  I'll use Deb Lacativa's Dirty Thread for the blue tail of my Whiptail sisters here,  who have been my family.  These i will wear near my heart.  Close.  So i can learn to Give and also Hold.

 

What if i became a Kite maker?

 

i have been waiting for "what will tie it together"....that square of Being that we know",  and

the vastness of the Universal Things we don't know,  but can only imagine and hope for...  the energetic forms that abound,  waiting to be acknowledged,  All the Possibilities,  All, Any of the forms of Spirit what ever that might mean in whatever way.....

When placing them there,  i imagined them to be Loose Spirits,  Loose Energy 

What is the human form doing then?   She is petitioning them to become manifest in ways she might know...she is signaling...I am Here,  I am Trying to See

so maybe the Kite is the metaphor of this Petition?   The thread will require a stretch.  It's thick,  the figure is small,  but maybe that's what it takes?  

 

finished hosing things down.  These are things i'll need in my next life,  whenever that happens.  Today would be 2 weeks from the latest estimated date of departure.  And really,  if for whatever reason that doesn't pan out,  i'd just as soon wait till Spring.  If i wait till Spring,  i can quit waiting and just go.  And that is appealing at this point in time.

 

got down the hat box from the top shelf in the albatross, didn't know what was in it

typepad is making this impossible.  i'll quit here

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

betraying my body

came home yesterday from refinishing two rocking chairs and flopped down to take the nap.  Woke and suddenly i wanted chocolate milk.  Always have syrup around,  don't want it often,  but when i do,  i DO.  I knew the milk was on the brink.  I'd used it for macaroni and cheese and it was still ok,  but leaning away from ok and i stirred up a glass anyway and took a long drink.  Wasn't sure,  so took another drink,  and NO.  No longer ok.  and as the hours went till dark,  i felt sicker and sicker.  It would have been great to just throw up.  But i don't do that.  So,  dear body lived with it.  Today am pretty much ok.  I look forward to tomorrow.

 

and i understood today that i NEED stitching.  Even if just simple.  Small.  I need it.