windthread

integrated. formed around what she has to work with.

some days ago,  Jude,  Jude Hill Spirit Cloth said...." Don't neglect selves, for too long,  you might forget who you are"

working with what is at hand....from Deb Lacativa,  except for the Toad Cloth,  this is of this moment....this time just before a Full Moon,  and some FULL MOON that is more than Full for me,  but had begun pulling me since two days ago already,  I wake and watch the Path through the trees, the silence of sleeping Goats,  but other Beings, so Awake,  Tay and I,  awake in the dark,  watching, listening.

Last night,  first night we could sleep with just the screen door,  how Night came Inside,  how Bless~ed a feeling that is...Night coming IN and calling us to come Out

 

field notes. Old mother dreams

Last night, a night dream.  A very large "house".  So many people,  coming and going.  The walls,  extremely tall walls were being painted by her mother and father who were in their maybe 40's.  when really,  they've been long dead.  Her "things"...that were in the corner of one very large room had been moved for this painting and she didn't know where they were.  There were many hallways leading off from the central room and they (her stuff)  were somewhere,  but there was comotion and no one caring really about anything,  just participating kind of mindlessly in the comotion,  so she kept looking,  and it turned into the same building that has been in so many recurrent dreams over the years,  that seems ok enough,  even fine,  until you go to the far edge of it to kind of a fire escape stairway and realize that it is rotting,  about to implode.  That it could happen at any moment...

and it goes on,  no need to tell the rest.  She dreams.  Then wakes.  2:30,  the appointed hour for waking.  Lying there,  looking out at those STARS.  Having become accustomed to their SIZE,  she lies there,  watching Night. 

Closing her eyes,  she travels back to where she came from.  This is for the first time since she left.  First time,  really looking at the true fact that she had gone.  That she had loaded up "her" Goats,  her dog,  her cat,  her stuff,  her Self,

and left.

she realizes how she has done this before.  The details different,  the things she "took" different,  but that she has done this before.  Made a decision to change Everything,  based on some deep and unknown "felt sense",  and without undue plan

left.

done it again.  

She rests with this thought.  She then sees herself back,  in the Place of Before.  She is in the old metal house,  its walls moving in the WIND.   Her morning chair being gone,  she stands.  Its empty.  The house is empty.  OutSide....also Empty.  the Goat fencing is gone.  The Albatros is empty.  Only the earth and it's companions, remain except for the Raft.  But she had taken things from the Raft, so it,  in it's way is also empty.

there is no describable way to tell of the feeling of this.  It simply is.  Not Good or Bad.  but is.  She sees what she left behind.  and sees that really,  it's not much.  Not much to account for so many years of living.  of doing.  of trying.  of Just going.

Not much.  and there is some kind of clarity about how it IS this way,  living,  how we just DO and TRY and Go,  every day.  And it doesn't really "amount" to all that much,  but that it's just so very OK.   It HAPPENED.  

She falls asleep and now in this day,  staring out with some kind of ennui, that has prevailed since she has been here,  she knows she is repeating.  And how will it go this time?  Her  most probably, Final time?   

 

 

 

 

 

 

maybe

What it takes.  This.  It's BIG., like really.  Like really Big.  But it will grade off the long road that is the "drive way".  Smooth the way,  that thing on the back is a box grader,  heavy, and flattens.   So,  this second year here,  after winter rain,  it works to smoothe the ruts and  gaps,  but also pulled up one of the French Drains...eeeee,  but that can be corrected,   for now,  all is flat and passable.  WHICH MEANS .....maybe....maybe this next week the Hut for Campsite B.  can be delivered.  Where i will live.  Maybe.  Gravel still needs to be delivered.  Many truck fulls.  Then moved/spread.  But it is possible.  

Communion....as Crow looks over First Garden

Communion.  I feel like we got somewhere really great and really beauty FULL in the last couple days.  We  gathered in a Circle and passed the Talking Stick.  Truths were told.  Some  of Us talked.  Some witnessed in Silence.   But we shared and honored our own Truths as best we know them in this moment.    I think we really accomplished something.  There was  no Pretending.   I am Grateful for this and so so honored by All Present Here...worded or silent.  So really glad for Us. 

Thank You. and  Big Big Love

no excuse for it

there was a comment earlier today that the author then asked me to delete.

it was about the fact that i am uneven in  comments on other persons blogs.  Specifically, i think, that i don't always comment on hers.  I may be wrong.  

that this  was felt as some kind of exclusion.  I may be wrong.

I thought all day about it.  All day.  It was my preoccupation.  All day.   What was a response to this?,  that was honest, and true?

At first,  it would be to say I'm Sorry,  that's a knee jerk,    but that's really not it....because i read her blog,  each post.  I know her life as she presents it,   as well as i know mine.  So,  I'm Sorry doesn't apply.  so WHAT then, does?

i guess not much, really,  but that living for me takes a ton of time and energy and i also NEED and LOVE the connection that this blogsphere gives,  including her,  her pleasures and her challenges.  they are a part of my whole....  but that unless i feel some kind of STRONG PULL,  i just read.  I just read and think...she's just like me.  She's just going....with her own particulars, but she's just like me.  and in that,  there is great comfort and solace.    And at the end of any day,  when the internet connection allows a brief window for response,  i go where the pull feels greatest. Otherwise,  I assume that we all will just keep on keeping on, and in that,  there is some Faith.  FAITH.  that we all just keep on keeping on. Me,  her,  all of Us.  No exclusion.  US.  We keep on.

 

Equinox Manzanita Crow wearing cape

words in a while.

how to hang the Cloth?   no way.  How to "put" the Cloth?    for a few days,  as it rests,  the Cloth has been on Crow.  To show this,  photographing inside wasn't working...too  much extraneous stuff and too little Light.  Here,  on the small hill of the HILL,  Crow wears the Cloth as a cloak.  The small manzanita....what happened?....it is stunted, but blooms. and where the Wendy Wish hangs in any Wind,  any breath of the Atmosphere that prevails.  Tay carries her stick  which is her Work.  This is just above and over from where that small oblong planting place is.  Just close.   Though far apart,  things are close.

anthropological field notes of Equinox Eve

Old mother goes up the trail between the trees to campsite B where she imagines herSelf to be at some point.  Begins to work the  Earth there...a small oblong circle.  Digging,  loosening,  Removing rock and stone.  She goes slow.  The oblong space is tilted,  like everything here...a Hill...tilted....so she works to create a Even Oblong Space,  placing stones on the South side to hold Earth in place.  Make it level.   Digging,  placing, carrying.  The scent of dug earth is strong.

after some time,  Young Mother appears at the rim of the hill,  pushing the all terraine stroller,  the young female infant sitting,  watching as they go,  they make their way over obstacles and arrive because Young Mother says,  we are your pack,  your herd.

They work.  Taking rock and stone to create the retaining rim of the Oval and then plant.  Cilantro.  Arugula.  A Salad Green Mix.

Moving along because it is the only day of SUN predicted for the week,  they  go along the rim of Campsite B,  the road side, and plant SunFlowers.   Seeds.  These just in small spaces,  small,  between what has already grown there.  Who knows,  how it might go.

Eve of Equinox,  2018.

Young Mother had a dream.  

"You were gone.  Presuming dead.   and They decided that they needed to send someone to come find me because you always said that I was another you.  So it was decided that i could carry on the blog.

A famous person that no body knew was following the blog was sent inquiring about your absence.     They had decided that she could convince me to continue the blog.  This  conversation  occured as we were walking the trails  between the trees,  Here.  Her name started  with an A."

Eve of Equinox.  2018

 

with what is at hand

keeping track of a self

how i am here

maybe i haven't said this?   or did i?  

there is no Electricity here.  Like you have some outlet and plug stuff in.  Not here.  Everything here is from batteries.  There are large Marine batteries that sit outside and power the thingy that trips the heater off and on,  the water heater.  I don't use customary lights,  so it doesn't need to do that,  i  use flashlight kinds of things for light in the dark.  Those are the usual AA and AAA batteries.  And i use the marine battery for hot water only when i'm wanting hot water for a shower,  hair washing....and that's become sparing.  Not like the old days.

somehow with the R A I N  we kind of lost our minds and got off the routine.  Alyssia, mostly,  some Jenny,  take the batteries back and forth into Chico to recharge them.  This is every couple or few days back and forth.  But we got lost and today,  there were dead batteries and so i couldnt charge this lap top,  the phone even,  and it takes a long time to charge the THING THAT CHARGES the phone/laptop,  so Alyssia went off to get some kind of thing that works from a vehicle battery and that's why i am here,  but what it means in particular this late evening is that Jude had posted something on Spirit Cloth that 

was "to me"  about

neglecting self for too long

being integrated into her surroundings

formed around what she has to work with

and as i stitched...no batteries...i thought of these things.