windthread

an Excellent and so Wonder Full New Year's Eve to YOU All...Love and Love

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this is the Daughter Cloth.   the daughter brought it to me a couple days ago.  

I'd sent it with her the first time she left New Mexico.  With the Goats.   As she notes,  everything i make for her is unfinished.  This is true.  It's very unfinished,  but enough to send with her.  I said someday i'd finish it.   It's back now.  Someday has come.

it was in the midst of Jude's Online Classes.  Jude Hill.  Spirit Cloth.   the great part of it is woven scrap household cloth,  all stained and worn that i found over time at the thrift shop.  The strips are 2 and 3".   I stood on a ladder to weave them and at the same time baste them to a light weight cotton blanket,  thrifted.  Pics of this are somewhere in the archives.  I looked for them,  but gave up.  They're there.  Then the square,  what i will call a large doily thing,  i forget it's formal name...Deanna 7 trees knows.   

 

the Goat.  On it's way.  Just Going.....from work in Jude's Patchwork Beasts.

 

how many years ago, now?????  i'm not sure.  but it's up again today.  5 x 6 ft give or take.  I look at it.  I've learned a lot since then.    Looking today,  i wonder what i will add?  How will i change it?   The Goat has reached her destination ....the Hill of the top left corner.  Had followed a rainbow road.  Arrived now.  

It's the EVE.   This morning before light,  i read Peggy's post,  Woman with Wings . blogspot .  All ,  and she pointed me to Rebecca Desnos,  her publication....Plants are Magic.  and an interview therein on her blog with Liz Spencer,  Dogwood Dyer.

I am working on how to learn to live with the element of Fire as ever present.  There's a way.  I just need to find it,  Learn it.

and when i read these two women's work,  it popped.   Sudden and clear.  You plant.   that's all,  you Plant.  How great!,  because so much of the calendar   review,    so much of what will be added in this New Year... is   Planting.   I sat,  long,  on the hill above Campsite B.  Next to the Janet Chair where the Solstice flags fly.  Sat,  looking.   There's no house there.  I don't know when there might be one.  But there is Earth.  To plant in.   A language to Fire.  Planting.  ?  I think so.

An oh so Gentle and Loving Eve to all who come here,  who mean so much to me.  Love and Love,  and let us go with a joyful fierceness toward Goodness for All.

Thank YOU...ALL.  so much.  Thank YOU ALL.  love....

The 3 things

for my Holiday.  Three things that give me such great pleasure,  such anticipation.

Beginning a new stenographers notebook.   it's what i write in,  almost daily,  to keep track of things i've read,  want to read,  things that come to mind and can be so easily lost.   Ordinarily,  the date of entry is on the left ....  thoughts in the column on the right,  some running all across the page.  Sometimes i use a sky blue highlighter.    When i began to find them with the plain brown back and cover,  like the new one on the right,  it was all that much more better.   Close to bliss.  For the last few months i'd looked for them online...couldn't find.  Then...Alyssia gifted for christmas.  They are not quite as thick,  ie not quite so many pages,  but maybe that will help me with the ever constant desire to be neater,  write smaller,  not sprawl.  We'll see.  So here...a virgin one.  Ready.  The anticipation of January l,  2019 is high.

The Calendar.  Hopefully a butterfly calendar.  If not flowers.  There's always one or the other.  At the Dollar Store.   The Calendar is the New Year's Eve ritual.  Going through each month of the past year,  entering things on the new year's page that would be well remembered.  Entering birthdays.  Marking them with the Sky Blue Highlighter.    For whatever reason,  i just LOVE,  like LOVE doing this.  I drink wine.  Go through the months.  Become Ready.

Crab legs.   Once a year.   an Expense,  but so what!,   and enough so that i am satiated.  Dripping in melted butter.  Ordinarily in the last several years i am alone.  Last year,  my first New Year here,  it was Alyssia and I.  Julian was not here.  Emrie was but was only some months old.  So,  Alyssia and I.  This time Julian will be here.  We will do this on New Years Day.   He thinks he might like crab legs,  but in case he doesn't,  he made the choice for Lemon Cake with Chocolate Mint Icecream. As much as he can eat.    This time we will have artichokes and i'll make Hollandaise Sauce  from Talkie's eggs.   A salad.  The ultimate extravagance.  YES!!!!!!

So,  these.  

Perfect and Elegant.  Excellent.   and all manner of words to tell of their Beauty.

Today,  Jenny and i worked.  She created a new gate for Nogal's yard.  I finished cleaning out the Doe Goats shelter house,  using a rake and a pitch fork.   piling the used straw bedding in a huge heap and then loading some,  maybe a quarter of it on to a tarp that we then pulled up and over and down to Campsite B.  Two more trips of it there and then 3 down to the Wall Garden at A.   RICH matter for decomposing into fecund soil for growing.   We have January,  part of February.   Instense Satisfaction.   Alyssia and kids showed up and they went off to see if they could see the cows that Emrie heard MOOOing in the distance.  I stayed back,  finishing.  Met them down at the gate on their return.  They had walked to look for the cows across the way and then on,  down the road along the canal/creek,  all the way to the end and back....to the gate,  and then UP the Hill road.  Emrie is one and a half.  She walked.  She did not want to take anyone's hand.  She wanted to Walk.  On Her Own.  it's at least a quarter mile.  I think more.  She didn't fall.

yes.  i think we are a little Crazy.  But as Mo pointed out,  the Herd name of us,  is Crazy Wisdom.  How these Goats are registered with the American Dairy Goat Association.   Not from Pink Floyd,  but from Trogyam Trungpa...Crazy Wisdom.  But the Pink Floyd can be our Sound Track

I forget a lot,  when i think things,  that i see all this in a finite kind of way.  I see all this as some kind of last chapter.  But that's just me.  For them,  all of them,  it can be ....      A   chapter.  If it doesn't work for them,  they can change it.  All of them.  Jenny being the eldest,  in her early 40's,  she can change it.  Alyssia,  just 30,  can change it.  The kids,  just beginning,  they can change it.  But for now,  for today and the tomorrow,  we go.  We go with Goats and Earth.  We love Goats and Earth.  Who knows?  

 

are we just Crazy?

Dearest old crippled TenZen.  In his own space.    Small,  the end of the corridor between he and Nogal's forest and the Doe Forest.  But he doesn't use much space.  What he will appreciate most is being able to eat without looking over his shoulder.  And then,  lately,  being run off.  No matter which pile he tries.  Nogal has CLAIMED everything.  

So.  new double fencing.  This new shelter hut.  His own water tub.   He is right next to Nogal,  so it should "count" as together.  Even tho together isn't great,  together matters to Goats.  I just came in from evening Feed and see that his head is bloody.  I guess they have been bashing heads through their shared fence.  That should be over with in a day or so.  Goats.

 

 

and Nogal got the other new hut.  His tarp tent will go down,  probably,  but i think he likes it.  We'll see which he prefers.

Back to the initial thought....Are we Crazy?   WHAT are we doing?   ????????????????????.   Is that original and initial MISSION still alive,  to have a herd of DAIRY GOATS..milk/cheese?????   is it?  

this is so one of those kaliedascope  (sp)  moments,  startlingly so,  so many things,  as we worked we talked...who can we  breed to who,  the lineage and i realize that i can't remember and part of why i can't remember is all the life confusions and and but also because i wrote it all on the Calendar,  and this is Calendar Time,  and all those old calendars are over in the storage unit and i can't get to them.  I am 99% sure of what i did,  but.....

so i email Marti because she remembers everything and she refers me to a post in the archives from 2013 and i go back to it,  become lost in 2013 till i give up....and this is why the Calendars are so critical....you flip through the months,  the Butterflies, and SEE it...then you can go to the archive and look on the blog....

Oh Jeez.

So,  maybe tomorrow.  Maybe we will put Celia in with TenZen.  Can he manage?,  with his crippled front legs?  

and put Who?  in with Nogal?

it only takes a few minutes if the doe is willing to Stand.   

Julian goes to his father's in New Jersey for the summer.     We are DONE with Goats that have to be chased.  Any kids now need to be loved/handled from birth.  Leash trained.  So they can be vetted when necessary,  so they can be evacuated if necessary.  This would be for Julian.  We will keep whatever bucklings,  Neuter them,  Wethers,  keep them to work the land here with the Does.  This is for him.  When he leaves,  i'll need to pick up the thread.  

Jenny and i stood there,  looking.   Are we Crazy?  What is this?

  When i went back to the 2013 post,  i read how i referred to her as the incommunicado daughter.  Which she was.  And here we are today.  

ADDENDUM

learn.  once and for all.  how to spell Kaliedoscope 

 

 

how it goes

the FOUND Goats were posted on a couple different FaceBook sites.  There is a rule with them,  that the animals need to be available to owners for 20 days from the posting.  20 days would be close to forever to keep these 2 very Buck Buck Goats.  Jenny got a call.  A woman in a town just over.  She didn't have any goats,  would be interested in keeping them those 20 days,  learning about goats and hopefully,  if unclaimed,  keep them.  PERFECT.  

Jenny and i found the collars we have,  the leashes and directed them into the Corridor over there,  blocking exit with yet one more cattle panel.    In short order,  we caught them.  This is where horns come in handy,   collared and leashed them,  tethered them to fence posts.  Alyssia arrived.  Emrie was put into the passenger seat of the truck with just a regular seat belt,  sat,  a very serious girl,  and they loaded the Goats in to the back of the truck,  alyssia and jenny at the ends of their leashes,  Julian riding guard and i drove us down the  Hill where we waited until the people came.  Very nice young couple,  they were late because they had picked up a puppy in Chico.  Transfered to kennels in their truck,  a good exchange,  including her asking if we'd named them,  i said Concow and Magalia and she flinched....not Magalia...and said they'd lost their home there.  Were living with the inlaws on a ranch.  Probably would stay there.  We all were silent for a few moments,  thinking about Just Going,  and then it went from there....they talked,  we talked,  we said we would be so available for any questions,  we exchanged info for anything in the future and they drove off.   Her Thing is to rehome.  It's what she does.  Take beings,  have them veted and keep them for the right moment.   Back up the Hill,  this time,  Emrie got to ride in the truck bed,  her first time.  She was like it was her destiny.  Goat work.  Maybe it is.  and Maybe it will be.   Feed unloaded and put up,  the doe Goats were turned loose.....they burst out...their days of lock down OVER

and so we go.  From whatever it IS to whatever is Next.  Just Going.

 

 

 

3 days

A

from"my" Holiday.  3 days till New Year's Eve.  And since i am thinking about Julian's question,  why no Christmas?,  i am also thinking about New Year's eve.  New Year's Day.   Why they feel so Bright to me.  I keep mending that pillow cover, stitch unto stitch and think.  Above is half of the front circle immediate yard to Campsite B.  Greening with new grasses.  On New Year's Day, i will have some kind of Plan.   I will have about 2 and a half months to set that plan into motion.  Like very much the thought of that.  

yes

during the night, last night,  i woke and lie there,  looking out the window at the stars.  At first,  i was just awake and looking at stars.  That's all,  and it was just that.  No more.  But then,  i woke more and remembered things,  how Cinderella was out there,  how those uninvited buck Goats were out there,  how i was conflicted about Christmas and children.   and Mind said

"remember the lessons of the Fire.  remember the lessons of the Gridley Fairgrounds"

and i also thought of Gratitude.  And remembered that woman and her book,  that Oprah loved,  i don't remember her name,  but that whole thing about Gratitude that was so "in" ....a gratitude journal,  i remember?????  I hadn't read it.  But i knew there was something about consciously listing things to be grateful for,  i think?  So i began.  I began from back to when i was there,  sleeping in the car with Tay.  How it started to rain.  How i got 

home

where i could cook.

and i got caught up to now,  how i'd been gifted the stenographers notebooks.  How in one,  i will begin,  December 31,  to record the Important Things of the just going.  Already,  i was sleepy again.  

Today,  after much much phone calling and texting,  Alyssia was given the name of a new Vet nearby.  From someone in a nearby county...saying...Maybe,  try calling.  At 3:30 she arrived.  A young woman,  30's,  setting out on her own...Mobile Vet. She felt good.  I talked to her first,  then she and Alyssia went in to the Doe House where Cinderella is lying,  unable to stand,  but still breathing.  I stayed inside with Emrie.   But according to Alyssia,  she was thorough.  Checked everything to see if there might be things to do still.  And no....so gently and kindly administered her death.  Sat.  She and Alyssia for some time after all was done.  Quiet.  Talking.  Puppy came in,  who has a raw spot on her hip and the Vet looked at that,  gave suggestions,  said not to worry.  

How great.  So many 4 leggeds.  Things happen.  And with the intention of breeding,  things that CAN happen.  I'd  felt adrift.  There is a lot you can do yourself but there are some things you cannot.  We have her now.  She looked long at the rest of the Goats,  took time.  Listened.  Said she is always accessible by email for questions of any kind.  Gratitude....BIG.  We buried Cinderella down in the Doe Forest by the meditation chair swing.  I sang her the dying song.  In the next couple days we will create a marker for her place there.  The doe Goats attended but without grief.  Goats simply just go.  I learn from them.

Jenny talked to the Animal Control people who said,  give it a little time and if nothing,  they will come for the Visitor Bucks and do what they can to find their people and if not, rehome them.  ok.

I'd gotten a bottle of wine a few days ago.  Left it in the car.  Tonight,  after all was said and done,  Tay and i walked down there in the dark to get it.  Was DARK.  On the way back,  coming up through  B,  we passed the cloth pinned to the line.  Wind had whipped it into a fold and when i undid that,  i saw what looked like a Y.  Y for yes.    Yes for just going.  for gratitude.  For what all it is.  Which is really,  enough and good.  and ok.

 

 

 

 

 

thinking for a 9 year old

instead of "later",  i began mending the pillow cover today.   I have had it somewhere on some couch since i lived in Ann Arbor, Michigan....29 years.   There was a store there that sold drapery and upolstery fabric,  really great great stuff,  bolt ends.  I use cushions in both the car and the truck and somehow in the shuffling around this last year,  this pillow was being used on the drivers seat of the car.   After it's trip to the laundromat i saw the frayed threads and brought it in to the house.   One side is faded from use in the car for a year,  the other, the same as it always was.  I love it.  a lot.   So this morning,  as the noise outside ratcheted up,  i mended.   A piece of soft linen on the inside.  All was well, as i started,  but as i ended up getting up and down as the early day went on,  it took on a life of its own.  But i like it.  Running my finger over it,  it is woven and good.  Once i finish,  it will last Forever.

 

The Visitors.   I'd said they were polite.  Well...that was over,  they made themselves at home  and became   BUCKS.  Snorting,  head butting,  in their case,  horn butting.  Vocalizing to the Does.  Loud.  Really Loud.   And this was not lost on the Does....they found their way to the only part of their forest that meets up with that buck yard directly,  and there they crowded at that far gate,  the Visitors not being able to believe their LUCK....put on more and more of a display.  It was LOUD.  Once Jenny and her man arrived they blocked off that one small space and some semblance of peace came again.  They need to go.  We took pics and posted on the local farm and livestock FB  page and tomorrow or the next day i'll drive to the places up over the valley to ask about them.   It's hard to imagine they came from very far away unless they WERE dropped off.  

Julian brought me in my presents.  He was proud of his wrapping  I got a pkg of 3 plain cover stenographers pads...brown cardboard cover...i was ecstatic.  a pic for New Years eve.  and a box of chocolate covered cherries,  a bag with dark chocolate and mint.    Everyone else was outside,  just me and him and he said how he was told how i don't do Christmas.  I said yeah,  i decided not to a while ago.   He wanted to know why.  i realized that i  didn't have a ready answer,  so i said i'd think about it and tell him when i thought enough  

 

 

i took this pic yesterday.  Looking at how seeds live.  Fall from some stem.  Roll,  dry,  roll more and find a place.  Maybe a crevice but maybe even just a flat space next to a dry leaf.  How they have made their way and with the rain,  Grow.  The miracle of that,  if you sit with the images long enough.

so i put it here because i don't have one for today,  being a Surprise Day.  Last night,  somewhere around midnight of what seemed to be an ordinary day,  there was commotion just outside this little house,  Tay all wanting to go OUT even tho it was raining and she went...bolted through the door.  Something under or behind,  the doe Goats milling,  awakened and had come around.   i got up and got dressed,  got the Fat Max Spotlight.    Tay was behind some of the doe Goats,  some were ahead and going toward the old buck pen.  i followed and as i did with the spotlight,  all the does went ahead,  following the beam...and in the bright light i could see a buck Goat....oh, EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee  it thought,  Nogal had gotten out?????? but no.  It was not Nogal.  A dark buck but with grey and then i saw a second dark buck with grey....Two.  I grabbed the gate that has just hung open for months now and closed it...half of the doe Goats were in there,  Tay was in there,  and i opened it some and called the doe Goats,  they came and Tay,  beloved untrained dog,  held the intruders back.  Done.  Just them now and Tay and then Tay out.  Just them.  But i had no way to keep the gate closed and just stood there, breathing and looking and thinking and it's raining until i think of my belt...that great belt that i got at Goodwill and i take it off and cinch the gate closed.   Stand,  breathing,  looking.

it goes on.  I secure their gate and then lure the doe Goats into their forest yard and finally get Tay out of there and get their gate secured.   All this time of not needing those gates,  ways to secure them had fallen to the wayside.  Learn.  Be ready.  You can't know anything.  We will forget.

an hour or so passes and i go back to stare at them.  Two Nigerian buck Goats,  full horns.  Standing.  Their eyes luminescent in the beam of the light.

Today,  Alyssia and Jenny finally get here,  rain has been non stop.  They work  to put up a tarp for the Visitors,  bring them

a bowl for water.  Give feed....which wasn't totally necessary,  there are those small green things growing,  

And while they are doing that,  Alyssia sees that Cinderella is probably dying.  She cannot stand.   

Just late yesterday afternoon,  Jenny and i had stood at the end of the day watching her browz along the rim of the Hill,  looking just OK.  Now she can't stand.  

I am here,  with Emrie,  who sleeps.  Alyssia has gone off for a final round of shopping.  It's Christmas Eve,  still,  no matter what.  Now and then i hear a sound....i imagine it's Cinderella,  saying final things?

The Visitor Goats are in their tarp tent,  sheltering.  There is no way we can think of that they came in here.  All but the small strip of very vertical hill at the edge of the canal/creek is fenced.  No Goat would swim through the canal.  so,  What?

Someone, then,  would have opened the gate.  Sent them through?  Had they thought to foster them, from the Fire,  maybe,  for a friend,  then changed their minds?  They are friendly,  as far as it goes,  they are healthy and well fed.  young,  but not too young. ???? We can't keep them here for long at all.  What to do.  

Cinderella.

i'd tell you a different story if it was what it is.  But it's not.  

human beings, Things. born and not yet born

the article goes on.

"Rebecca Solnit finds solace,  inspiration, and teachings in landscapes both rural and urban,  from the beach at low tide to homeless people on the street.  She is passionate about spreading awareness of climate change,  a cause in which she sees great advancements.

"I've seen the revolution and we're living it,  she says,  it's slow and broad and deep and has changed innumerable things immeasurably.  To appreciate that, you need to be able to perceive subtle, complex slow things.  What does climate change teach us, she asks.  First that everything is connected.  So we need to have international cooperation, to make our decisions together.  We already have everything we need,  and we don't need to burn the fossils from millions and billions of years ago.

Facing  perhaps the greatest existential crisis in human history in climate change,  Solnit says we need to ask ourselves,  Who are we in the face of this?  What does it ask of us, and how do we respond?  Yet when others despair,  Solnit has faith in the power of human awareness, action and cooperation.  It feels like millions,  maybe billions of people are walking away from a status quo that didnt serve them,  that didn't describe the world accurately,  and are now making more beautiful versions,  together. "  When others fear uncertainty, Rebecca Solnit sees hope in what can be found when people feel the most lost.  Lindsay Kyte,   Lion's Roar Special Edition  Awaken Your Heart and Mind

I have great respect for Solnit,  high regard from reading her words over time and in diverse places.  I respect her as a scholar,  a writer,  a human being.  And my experience of the world is very limited so i am going to trust her when she says that millions, maybe billions  of people are walking away.   Ok then.  ok.  Hope.  I am going to Go with it.

 

 

don't know why i'm putting this here....its what happens sometimes when i go to enter pics from phone camera...me...looking down at my own thoughts and images....me,  having just come in from  the evening feed of the buck Goats...how i am.  Quite often,  whether or not i comb my hair.  Maybe this is going to some kind of particular year and i sense the need to witness this old woman i've become?  

 

Maybe i will call this the Rebecca Cloth.   The one about how someThing always gets born,  Always.

 

where we are. Which is here.

 

Lacelady sent one of her "boxes" .  In it,  the Lion's Roar  Special Edition.  Awaken your Heart and Mind.  The best Buddhist Wisdom from the pages of Lion's Roar.  In it,  this Special Edition,  is  Rebecca Solnit.  "hope includes uncertainty.  We don't know what's going to happen next,  and that gives us room to act.  Hope is active engagement with uncertainty and the possibilities that it holds.".

 

 

on the the young Manzanita.  the strip with Blue,  from Michelle,  the diamond with black and white threads of Jude,  the diamond,  Yak hair felted from an old woman in Tibet...a gift from a while back,  saved.  From Nanette,  stitchandsow-home andgarden.blogspot  Solstice.  2018