during the night, last night, i woke and lie there, looking out the window at the stars. At first, i was just awake and looking at stars. That's all, and it was just that. No more. But then, i woke more and remembered things, how Cinderella was out there, how those uninvited buck Goats were out there, how i was conflicted about Christmas and children. and Mind said
"remember the lessons of the Fire. remember the lessons of the Gridley Fairgrounds"
and i also thought of Gratitude. And remembered that woman and her book, that Oprah loved, i don't remember her name, but that whole thing about Gratitude that was so "in" ....a gratitude journal, i remember????? I hadn't read it. But i knew there was something about consciously listing things to be grateful for, i think? So i began. I began from back to when i was there, sleeping in the car with Tay. How it started to rain. How i got
home
where i could cook.
and i got caught up to now, how i'd been gifted the stenographers notebooks. How in one, i will begin, December 31, to record the Important Things of the just going. Already, i was sleepy again.
Today, after much much phone calling and texting, Alyssia was given the name of a new Vet nearby. From someone in a nearby county...saying...Maybe, try calling. At 3:30 she arrived. A young woman, 30's, setting out on her own...Mobile Vet. She felt good. I talked to her first, then she and Alyssia went in to the Doe House where Cinderella is lying, unable to stand, but still breathing. I stayed inside with Emrie. But according to Alyssia, she was thorough. Checked everything to see if there might be things to do still. And no....so gently and kindly administered her death. Sat. She and Alyssia for some time after all was done. Quiet. Talking. Puppy came in, who has a raw spot on her hip and the Vet looked at that, gave suggestions, said not to worry.
How great. So many 4 leggeds. Things happen. And with the intention of breeding, things that CAN happen. I'd felt adrift. There is a lot you can do yourself but there are some things you cannot. We have her now. She looked long at the rest of the Goats, took time. Listened. Said she is always accessible by email for questions of any kind. Gratitude....BIG. We buried Cinderella down in the Doe Forest by the meditation chair swing. I sang her the dying song. In the next couple days we will create a marker for her place there. The doe Goats attended but without grief. Goats simply just go. I learn from them.
Jenny talked to the Animal Control people who said, give it a little time and if nothing, they will come for the Visitor Bucks and do what they can to find their people and if not, rehome them. ok.
I'd gotten a bottle of wine a few days ago. Left it in the car. Tonight, after all was said and done, Tay and i walked down there in the dark to get it. Was DARK. On the way back, coming up through B, we passed the cloth pinned to the line. Wind had whipped it into a fold and when i undid that, i saw what looked like a Y. Y for yes. Yes for just going. for gratitude. For what all it is. Which is really, enough and good. and ok.
