windthread

soon. My american holiday....soon.

 

this eye...i see the influence of Acey's Collage work here.   NICE to see the cross over already.  Love this.

an entire other forest

a regular straight pin

 

out behind this travel trailer over to where we turn on the water hose for Goat Bowls,  the ground has become green.  Standing,  looking down,  it's just green,  or,  with my eyes.  Alyssia's eyes might see more.  I will ask her.  But to mine,  just a wash of green over the ground that was just dirt.   I squatted to day,  for some reason,  and was amazed.   Not a moss of some kind,  but an entire forest of small plants...two kinds living in the same space equally.  And these are not seedlings,  destined to grow larger,  but fully mature plants.   One very fernlike.   it's astounding.   There they Are.   Taking their place according to ritual of season.  How Beauty Full is this,  and for This,  i vow to remain Steadfast.

 

quieting the urge.....but to add as afterthought

to give words to things that are not ready.   But today,  i see the "door"  is not a door at all,  has never been.  Was and is always a gate.  and not for keeping in or keeping out,  but to signify our Choice.....to  remain outside or to Enter.   

i had to take everything off.   The ground cloth was too small.  I ripped and added some inches.   Put things back and pinned but see in the last light of this day that  right side wants more.

AFTERTHOUGHT

i didn't think i had the energy,  but maybe i do.  I'll try and delete if not.

I spent the good part of yesterday back at the MVD.   I brought the documents that i had been told to obtain.  Certified.  I lucked out and got the same young woman as i'd had the last time.   I was more organized.  She looked and went off to seek a response from her Supervisor.  I could watch her explaining to him,  him studying my papers.  She returned.  Yes to the documents i provided today but no to two others that a different supervisor had approved my last visit.    I said

don't do this to me.   I didn't want to say it,  but it came out of my mouth.

she sat and looked directly at me,  silently.  Like before.   just neutral.   No.

so,  my  New Mexico driver's license expires in 2 days.   It will take a week at least to obtain certified copies of the documents they want.  I will be totally expired.  I assume that means that i will need to take a Road Test if i ever get that far,  and how do i do that with a car that has expired New Mex plates because i have to have a California license first before applying for the plates but that's kind of beside the point because i still haven't found any mechanic willing to put on a new carburetor  which it needs to pass the smog test.  I have never had expired plates or license in the 60 years driving.  I have NO tickets.  NO accidents.  I have followed the Law of the Land as Rinpoche said at Jewel Heart Temple.  Follow the law of the land.    I always have.  But i am about not to.  Old woman,  illegal.  Going to grocery store and post office.  Dog.  

when i woke at the 2 am appointed hour i woke clean from the dreaming which was the usual good natured funny business but it took only a second to remember it all.  And i stood at the abyss of it all.  How can i possibly   do this?  But i have no choice.  And suddenly i switched to remembering sitting there,  waiting my turn.  I had waited almost 4 hours for my turn.   There are i think 6 rows of chairs,  10 chairs per row.  Almost all were filled the entire time.  The chairs for the Waiting.   There are 8 windows open serving people.   Others were at the computers taking their written tests.  Some were out taking their road tests.  While i sat, waiting,  I watched people come and go,  eavesdropped a little on some that were anxious and talked loud.   Most of us just sat silently.  Doing nothing.  i thought last night and then again all day today about the variety of human beings there and how each of us was a WHOLE  STORY  rising out of even more STORY from which we came.  And today,  it was very Beauty FULL to SEE that...all of Us there.  NEEDING.   ALL OF US.  TRYING.  So many,  not speaking English,  coming with a young family member to Help...not only driver's licences,  but Real ID,  picture ID proving that you are an ok person.  Everyone there was an ok person or they wouldn't have sat 4 hours.  The old man who sat in front of me had the fragrance of mothballs.  He wore a Mao hat.  A mid age woman with an attitude until she had to go to the computer for the written test and couldn't figure out how to do it...her shirt read so and so wreaking and salvage.  The young women couple with shready jeans and great startling hair dos,  the old woman next to me with her designer bag and costume jewelry assisted by a black man who might have been from MoTown...her partner?or friend....the Rasta guy and then all the just ordinary people.  We all have a story.  We were all sitting there because we have NO CHOICE.   The United States has decided it wants to,  needs to,   KNOW so many things.

and i thought too,  at the 2 am thinking hour about all the street people i pass on my way to the post office and on to the DMV.   How at some point in this game,  they gave up.  Not enough money for the emissions tests.  No access to internet for documents.  i can see it.  I can really see it.  To just give up.  Quit.  They all,  each and every one of them have a Story too  It's an alternative.  Quitting.   

 

 

 

 

New

this is the experimenting with the Inktense pencils of a month ago.   I had taken off the cloth fragments and just the drawing has been here,  next to me on the Everything Table.   I realize how i don't do a lot of experimenting,  but rather keep repeating what i know i like.   This comes into question.

 

one of those 2am times last night and i picked it up,  held it up and the little light from the table battery CHANGED EVERYTHING in a split second.   

i'd been thinking i wanted it in the Collage Book that i begin with Acey next week.   As i held it and looked,  i thought how if i glued it down,  i would never be able to see it this way again....backlit,   glowing.   This morning i thought it's good.  I will remember that it's two Things with one to be unseeable,  but remembered.  And,   this tells me to Experiment MORE.  There is always More.

In an email from Jan Up North California from here,  she wrote:

"I am trying to live a new way.  to create a path to and into the new."

not many words, but such a subtle nuance.   a New Way.    I sat and let them rest in my mind/heart.   What is the Difference that struck me so?   To understand that.   Not to live a different way  in  this  confusion.  IE  to rearrange things to make it hopefully more,   uhhhh,   livable.    But rather to envision a NEW way to live,   create a path to it    and Enter.  And this remains still in keeping with that thing of SteadFast.   To be Steadfast in my love of Earth and to find whatever it takes.

 

yes?

yes.    

As you i am sure can tell,  i am uhhhhh, struggling.   The Christmas celebration emphasized things,   how we cling to old cultural mythology....the desire to Just Go and hope for the best.   And i do that.   Just Go and hope for the best.  I look everyday for validation that things are moving in a good direction.  But equally,  everyday,  it is heartbreaking.   so i look for ways to hold some semblance of balance because i think that's all i can ask in the moment.  Just some balance.  And i looked at these scraps and wondered what i am wanting from them....what i thought the sewing of them might tell me,  what meaning might be here.

They say....just stitch.   Ok.

 

a challenge and then a reward

How it goes here.   Nothing happens till it DOES.   

We had left the Goat Boat hitched to the Toyota truck Sonny.  In case.   Then time went by.  A few weeks ago i saw that a tire was VERY flat.   It was noted all around.   I can't get the Goat Boat off the hitch myself and that was necessary in order to jack up the truck to get the flat off.   Suddenly Saturday everything went into motion,  the spare was taken for a replacement  and 5 tires bought,  4 that had to be ordered by the tire people.  Sunday it poured.   Jenny came after work yesterday,  Alyssia arrived and it went from there...

the hitch was balky coming off requiring a variety of tools to get it done.   Emrie is there.  New Nana says...where's the tire iron  and Emrie repeats...tire iron and i get it and hand it over to Emrie who carries it to N N.   not working.    Emrie squats watching.  Cheater Bar...Emrie repeats,  Cheater Bar and i find.   hand to Emrie who carries to NN and resumes her squat.   We need a big screw driver...Emrie repeats,  big screw driver  i go to house Emrie follows   i get from tool box in back room  Emrie wants to carry i point out it's sharp and she needs to point it Down.  Ok she says and takes to NN.  By the time the Goat Boat is unhitched it's become Dark.   Emrie becomes responsible for flash light...one of her favorite things.  If you touch where the light needs to be she actually is way better than i am at accomplishing illumination.  Focused.  My mind drifts and the light wanders off into the trees...not her.

it takes a while to stamp off the lug nuts on the tire.  Jenny holds the cross,  Alyssia  puts her weight into it. Emrie says my turn and  takes her turn  exactly replicating her mother's every moves.  Finally....tire is off,  spare is on.  

to make a long story less long,  the Goat Boat is undone and rolled back by hand,  a 4 X 4  to act as a block to a Free Roll into oblivion,  just enough and they want to do more but i'm DONE and say ENOUGH!  and Emrie repeats...Enough!

and they go away.

Today i go to the tire place and have 4 new tires set and balanced and aligned.  While waiting,  sitting on the curb,  with Tay,  a street lady joins us,   sitting down,  maybe 8 ft away.   She doesn't look in my direction.  Tay is anxious.  I say....Dog isn't used to cities.  Lives on a hill.  She,  still just staring ahead,  says....we're good.    I watch the tire guys.  there are 3 and they talk as they work,  i can't hear them but see one of them patting Sonny's hood.   When the young one brings him around  i say...He's a Great Truck and he  laughs and smiles and says Yes,   has Great pick up,  i'm impressed!  Nice!   We feel proud.   We whiz home,  driving like Indians in New Mex...in my mind i listen to Indian Car....YOU CAN HEAR IT...UTUBE,   INDIAN CAR...GO HEAR IT,  Keith Secola

Back here,  i pause.  Just inside the Gate.   Breathe.  Review all i need to remember about getting where i want to get.  Keep Going.   Don't stop   ONLY in first gear...resist the urge to shift into second.   The Goats WILL move out of the way if you keep going,  as will Talkie.  Take that final hill wide and keep a sensitive exceleration.  Only as much as you need.  Only that much.  If it doesn't work,  stop.  Roll back.   Wait.  Breathe.  And try again at a different angle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

and we did it.   Smooth.  

i was rewarded by a lot of MAIL i'd picked up.   This from Joanne.   

~ Ram Dass ~

Love Everybody

Tell the truth

yes. steadfast.

 

this morning Deb G,  Bee Creative sends me to On Being interview with Carlo Rovelli.    And then a little later,  Michelle,  to a Bell Meditation from Plum Village on her facebook page.   Both.  Yes.

Steadfast.  Love and Science

First....love.  Active Love of this Earth.  Curiosity.  Openness to Possibility.  

and belief?   Maybe the belief that AnyThing and EveryThing known and still Unknown is Possible.   Having Heart to Steadfastly live to steadfastly tend the garden of Mindfulness.

 

Solstice winter 2019

 

i have color.  no one should worry that i don't have enough.  I have enough for the Real.   I wanted more for the anger of the other evening,  but only to feed the anger.   i have enough for all things worthy of feeding.

 

Solstice.   the POINT in a year unlike any other year i have known.   Tonight will pass and tomorrow this EARTH,  this HOME,  this giver of Life to all Life i know will once again turn us toward the light.  So that we can live.   The word Steadfast appeared.  

i think.  Steadfast.   what all that might mean.   I want to be Steadfast in my allegiance to this Earth.   I thought that i would wake to write the word across my pulse,  every morning.   To help me remember that that is the center of my days.   To be steadfast in my love,  in my intention to Learn,  in my effort to express.     no matter.  no matter what all churns in the world around me.  To hold that allegiance above all else....above fear above anger above ignorance.   Blessed be this Night.  

 

a life

went down to B to the tubs there to find this.   a collaged front of a drawing pad.   over 20 years ago...toward 30,  from back in Ann Arbor Michigan.   It had gotten rained on and was warped with some mold.   But i went for that image in the upper right,  that girl.

 

from the front of an Anthropologie Cataloge.   I remember seeing it and being startled.   How did they have  ME in a photograph there????????   

This is who i was.

in a certain way,  this is who i AM.

the post yesterday,    a response to feeling stripped of      AGENCY      .   in the sociologial sense.   The right of self determination.  Was FEEEEEEELING about that.   Emotion.   ANGER.

i have not felt 

anger

in a long time.  I feel many other things that have roots deep below anger.   Anger is fast and hot and immediate and leaves so much beneath it.  I have not had that.   But yesterday i did.  And so that  "movie"  of the HORSE.  of POWER in the moment which was exhilarating...in the moment,  but then GONE,   as emotion often is.