to give words to things that are not ready. But today, i see the "door" is not a door at all, has never been. Was and is always a gate. and not for keeping in or keeping out, but to signify our Choice.....to remain outside or to Enter.
i had to take everything off. The ground cloth was too small. I ripped and added some inches. Put things back and pinned but see in the last light of this day that right side wants more.
AFTERTHOUGHT
i didn't think i had the energy, but maybe i do. I'll try and delete if not.
I spent the good part of yesterday back at the MVD. I brought the documents that i had been told to obtain. Certified. I lucked out and got the same young woman as i'd had the last time. I was more organized. She looked and went off to seek a response from her Supervisor. I could watch her explaining to him, him studying my papers. She returned. Yes to the documents i provided today but no to two others that a different supervisor had approved my last visit. I said
don't do this to me. I didn't want to say it, but it came out of my mouth.
she sat and looked directly at me, silently. Like before. just neutral. No.
so, my New Mexico driver's license expires in 2 days. It will take a week at least to obtain certified copies of the documents they want. I will be totally expired. I assume that means that i will need to take a Road Test if i ever get that far, and how do i do that with a car that has expired New Mex plates because i have to have a California license first before applying for the plates but that's kind of beside the point because i still haven't found any mechanic willing to put on a new carburetor which it needs to pass the smog test. I have never had expired plates or license in the 60 years driving. I have NO tickets. NO accidents. I have followed the Law of the Land as Rinpoche said at Jewel Heart Temple. Follow the law of the land. I always have. But i am about not to. Old woman, illegal. Going to grocery store and post office. Dog.
when i woke at the 2 am appointed hour i woke clean from the dreaming which was the usual good natured funny business but it took only a second to remember it all. And i stood at the abyss of it all. How can i possibly do this? But i have no choice. And suddenly i switched to remembering sitting there, waiting my turn. I had waited almost 4 hours for my turn. There are i think 6 rows of chairs, 10 chairs per row. Almost all were filled the entire time. The chairs for the Waiting. There are 8 windows open serving people. Others were at the computers taking their written tests. Some were out taking their road tests. While i sat, waiting, I watched people come and go, eavesdropped a little on some that were anxious and talked loud. Most of us just sat silently. Doing nothing. i thought last night and then again all day today about the variety of human beings there and how each of us was a WHOLE STORY rising out of even more STORY from which we came. And today, it was very Beauty FULL to SEE that...all of Us there. NEEDING. ALL OF US. TRYING. So many, not speaking English, coming with a young family member to Help...not only driver's licences, but Real ID, picture ID proving that you are an ok person. Everyone there was an ok person or they wouldn't have sat 4 hours. The old man who sat in front of me had the fragrance of mothballs. He wore a Mao hat. A mid age woman with an attitude until she had to go to the computer for the written test and couldn't figure out how to do it...her shirt read so and so wreaking and salvage. The young women couple with shready jeans and great startling hair dos, the old woman next to me with her designer bag and costume jewelry assisted by a black man who might have been from MoTown...her partner?or friend....the Rasta guy and then all the just ordinary people. We all have a story. We were all sitting there because we have NO CHOICE. The United States has decided it wants to, needs to, KNOW so many things.
and i thought too, at the 2 am thinking hour about all the street people i pass on my way to the post office and on to the DMV. How at some point in this game, they gave up. Not enough money for the emissions tests. No access to internet for documents. i can see it. I can really see it. To just give up. Quit. They all, each and every one of them have a Story too It's an alternative. Quitting.
