windthread

Just Going again

 

 

 

so GLAD there were two.   Their lives are so Great as TWO.   and it will be especially so,  in this old herd with all its longstanding complexities.    We will wether them.   band their balls which over time just wither like raisins and fall away.  They will live Free with the Does.  Become part of the Hill Herd.      Ordinarily,   two bucklings would have been a disappointment.  Bucks are neutered to become companions for unaltered Bucks...like Jack Flash is for Sonny Ray.   or they become companion animals for human beings.  Or they are meat.    Few are left whole to retain as herd sires.  One buck can serve a World of Goats.   These,  for Emrie and Julian.  They will learn all of GoatKeeping.   Julian claimed the flashy one.   Emrie has the black one.   

Not even 2 days old today,  they ran in the corridor behind the Kidding House which is called the Curry House.   Caroline would leave and go the extent of that corridor and call them...it took a while,  but they would go.   They don't walk.  They run or bounce.   Tay has never seen baby Goats before...she is mesmerized.   The Black let her taste him.  She was thrilled.

 

First time (s) Part 2

so it was 30 something hours when i finally lay down to sleep.   I woke at around midnight,  had slept in all my jackets and wool hat,  put on my boots.  Flashlight.  Checked.   Babies sleep.  Mother sleeps.  All touching.   

boots off,  jackets,  hat,  off.   Lay down again intending to go check again when i woke around 2 something as i always do to pee.

woke with a jolt...it was 4 something,  way too long for effective checking .  I was disoriented...where were my boots?  Where did i set the flashlight?   and i just stopped moving.  I just couldn't.  Could not look for my boots,  could not look for the flashlight or hat or jackets.  i could not go out.  i simply could not do what i needed to do.  For the first time in my life and things began to become a blur,  of thoughts that made some sense and all manner that did not.  Fears of all kind arose....how could i tell emrie or Julian that their Goat had died,  because i Couldn't.   and i sat there at the edge of the bed and coughed.  

Coughed.  a dry cough?   i think so.  i wait to cough again and i don't but break into a cold sweat....a Fever?    

Ok, i think,  this is it.   Ok.   and i just sit there,  watching the movie my mind created as i watched,  one scene to the next and i remembered the last days of hospice with the Old Cowboy,  how his eyes were...the fear...i knew my eyes were the same.  i remembered all the things i told him in those days...mostly not to be afraid,  that when THE moment came,  it would come softly.  that i couldn't say that for sure,  but i believed it to be how it happens.  When you need to Go,  you Go.  And all this went on for about a half hour,  me just sitting there,  propped on the big pillows,  watching this disjointed flow of images,  sweating and becoming very cold.  repeat and then at some point i fell asleep.

it had become light when i woke again,  sleep having absorbed the Fear and for a second,  i didn't remember anything and then i did.   So i got up and made tea.   What was,  was.  There was nothing to do but go Out There and find out.

They were hopping around.  Caroline was hungry.   

I came in,  got Puppy's food and went down to do the morning feed.  SUN rose like honey,  flowing through the trees.  Stood and look at that...the SunLight flowing through the trees and realized that i'd had the First Panic attack in my life.   I understood,  for the first time what people experience...the most significant part being that there is no way i was able to make it stop.  That all the ways i have to keep worry at bay didn't work.  There's just TooMuch.  

I carried alfalfa to Caroline and sat on the straw and watched her eat in her methodical Goat way,  i watched the little ones practice all manner of physical maneuvers,  like turning inplace during a spin,  touched their tiny bodies, not even a whole day old, their perfectness,  softness, Goingness.   I filled her water and left,  checking twice that i hooked the door.  Came in and layed down.  SLEPT.  maybe an hour.  More tea and understanding so so clearly that this is going to be a time of many First Times and there's a lot of work i need to do with my head.   with realizing that i have limits.   and that i need to honor those limits.  So much i need to honor about life at this point in time.  

it's early,  but Jenny will be here soon.  I need to eat.  that's one thing to honor.   so i'll feed self .   Will take more pics of them and be back here this evening.  Maybe i can learn something already by then.  

BIG LOVE TO ALL

(just to say....no dry cough.  i do not have a fever.  There's time to Learn.)

we go. Part One

 

the Presentation you want to see.   The amniotic sac,   which breaks,  and there are two forelegs,  hoofs down   and just along, a nose.   For so long,  with each contraction,  just one leg.    Upon palpation,   only one leg presenting.   A week or so ago she'd sent me a link that talked about inserting a finger into the rectum to rearrange positioning.  I looked but didn't go read.   It was the first time either she or I had seen mention of that.   And   Well....after the hours,   she inserted her finger into the rectum and there,  pressing against,  another hoof and leg.   Next contraction,  she pushed the presenting back in and from the rectum pushed  that leg back and down.   it proceeded from there.   While they were admiring him the second buckling  just slid out.   We could have called the Mobile Vet.  But we don't know...how long it would take...IF she would come at midnight.  When he did finally come through,  his tongue was hanging.   Time had gone by.   So it was from the Internet.   This says something.  It actually says a LOT.   First buckling  4lb 6oz   second 4lb 2.5 oz.   Big kids.  It could have gone a very different way.   This daughter of mine.   She does what needs doing.   Tomorrow....we'll talk about that, when she comes...  Retelling how it went,  her fears and her Just Going.   Relates to All that is unfolding now.

and Alyssia just came...bringing their little sweaters,   washed and dried,   we went Out and put them on  and  it's late and i want to finish all this tomorrow morning.   There is Need for documentation of things.   So...tomorrow.   Finally,  tonight....sleep.  Just sleep.   Beloved Sleep.   How sleep matters.   to Just Going.   for me.   

Love.    Love to all who read this.   May your night be soft and gentle.   May you 

sleep.

maybe the longest day Ever

i can't remember a moment that was as physically,  emotionally and of Spirit   exhausting.   

as i said...it began at 11 am with some thread of mucus.   She didn't go with the Herd when they set out for the morning,  but stood in the road and called softly off into the Forest.   She then went to the Kidding House we built...on her own and lay there a bit but when i went back out moments later,  she'd gone into the Doe Goat  Shelter....pic of yesterday.   I leaned on the wall and watched her.   To be sure.   After a couple hours Messaged  Alyssia and Jenny to say i was pretty sure we were ON.   Alyssia and the kids arrived.   Late afternoon Jenny after work.  We settled in.   Evening went on and there were small signs of progress.  We practiced how we could Be,  a 10 year old,  2 and 1/2 year old,  3 women,  a no longer young Doe Goat,  a nosy chicken and anxious Dog and a closely watching cat.   it went ON.    I am too tired for details but it wasn't till about 11:30 pm that Emrie melted down and asked to go into the   house  to OUSCH Nana's bed.  We went and soon she crashed leaving Jenny,  Alyssia and Julian Out There.  Julian didn't come back.  I was surprised.      Somewhere at almost midnight there was That CRY....piercing and loud   and i thought GOOD,  finally we've  done   it ,  but then time passed  and there were more cries.   Too Many.

Jenny Called  (isn't that amazing?  a phone call from feet away)  to say come out here,  i said then send Julian in.  I woudn't leave Emrie alone.    Jenny said never mind....there are concerns.  It's ok.   So i sat in dark silence except for Caroline's Cries.

I am too tired for the details tho the Details are important to record here....The kid was not positioned for birth.   Jenny ended up needing to put her hand in and reposition  while Alyssia  held Caroline UP to relieve the pressure...Julian was the flashlight.

Somewhere around  midnight  Alyssia came and put on Emries boots and carried her out.   I  told Tay to STAY and followed and there,   2 Goats.   New Born   STANDING.    STANDING.   emitting the tiniest small wibbly cries of BEING.   

 

 

we dried them off while Caroline licked them into Life.    They were ALIVE  and WHOLE  and so READY.

 

Caroline was someWhere Else....making small sounds,  standing there,  as she had stood for the last 14 hours

 

it's done.   Birth.  Two Perfect Bucklings.   Beauty FULL in all ways.    A Doe Goat,  who trusted us and STOOD.

Jenny stayed till 4.   She had to be at work at 7am.   Alyssia left soon after and i sat there,  out   in that Kidding House that we had built.   Sat on the Earth,  atop the wool  Web that Lace Lady had sent so long ago.  On my body,  a cotton shirt covered with an old wool  sweater, and then a cotton jacket that Jenny found me at goodwill and then all covered with an old WOOL blanket pulled in tight around my legs and feet and i sat there on the earth and listened and watched to be sure that things were ok and i sat there on into Dawn and then beyond.   To try to be sure that things were ok.

waiting

mucus began 11 today.  It's now 9 pm something.  Still waiting.  Everybody's here.

the hardest day

 

i wanted out of NoWhere to do this.   I started and stopped.  started and stopped.   All day,  could not, did not,  focus,  but moved one thing to the next and around,  mostly in my mind.   I don't want to live like this.

a lot of time was spent watching for Caroline,  tracking her through the day.   Having no idea how she might choose to deal with kidding as a Free Goat.  When they were no where to be seen,  i went to look for them....just needing to know where they were.  Needing to see her.    So that.   But i might also have read the final write up about Possibilities.   It was dire.  I don't know what source it was from,  i clicked out before making note of that....the direness.   But there's no point.   We don't know and we can't know.  We have to Live it day unto day.

i knew all along that the pattern above is too narrow.   But instead of changing that,  i just kept going.  Like i'll keep going tomorrow and stitch it up,  turn it and stuff it with something.   I have no idea why i'm doing this.   I see her with Pine Needle Hair...maybe just for that,   pine needle hair.   

this virus shit is a Bummer.   I was finally getting things together,  like i just recently found info about a Community Garden in town,  in one of the funky neighborhoods,  sponsored by the AfroAmerican Community Center,   a news article saying they are in need of volunteers,   that there is something for anyone and everyone to help with...and in exchange,  they give free vegetables,  which is nice,  but mostly i felt a pull to work in this Garden.   Maybe because they noted that they raise    SEVENTEEN varieties of Tomatoes...SEVENTEEN!!!!  EEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee   and just small but huge stuff like having found the BEAUTYFULL laundromat,  but.......is a laundromat a safe place?   Do virus...what's the plural?,  viruses?,  do they float on molecules of humidity from the dryers?   How much hand sanitizer does one NEED for a trip to the laundromat?   But...maybe no one will be there?,  but probably not because we all need clean clothing.   And all woven in to it i think of all the huge humanity that has been struggling for so long in so many parts of the world and we are whining about things like this....i think these thoughts a lot in between looking for Caroline

if it would stop raining,  i could plant my Heart in the Gardens,   put my hands into this Earth and get lost there and maybe i will stay here,  in the Gardens indefinitely,   not come back from them....if it would stop raining.  Even for a little while,  but then i also don't want it to stop.  Want more and more rain to SEEEEEEEEP in deep in to the crevices of this Hill to hold us as long as possible through the summer months,  

and then i think,  what if Caroline isn't REALLY pregnant,  that it is just like a while ago when we thought everyone was and the vet said YUP but NOTHING CAME OF IT,  What if i am repeating that?   So i stare at her when i find her,  she's twice her normal size,  her twat is all puffy,  she's bagged up.  

What a day.   I don't want to live like this.   Need to find another way

 

click to enlarge

there is a PROFUSION of Stork's Bill.    Everywhere down at A

From Margery Knott....a Sister here....and because i don't know how to place the words in correct poetic form....just the way i can.  But the words are the

words

Praise the Rain by Joy Harjo

Praise the rain,  the seagull dive        The curl of plant, the raven talk ~~~   Praise the hurt,  the house slack   The stand of trees,  the dignity ~~~~~    Praise the dark,  the moon cradle   The sky fall, the bear sleep ~~~~Praise the mist,  the warrior name   The earth eclipse,  the fired leap ~~~~~Praise the backwards,  upward sky    The baby cry,  the spirit food  ~~~~Praise canoe, the fish rush   The hole for frog,  the upside down ~~~~Praise the day,  the cloud cup The mind flat,  forget it all ~~~

Praise crazy.  Praise sad.   Praise the path on which we're led.  Praise the roads on earth and water.  Praise the eater and the eaten.  Praise the beginnings,  praise the end.  Praise the song and praise the singer.

Praise the rain;  it brings more rain.    Praise the rain;   it brings more rain.

Margery....Thank You,   beyond Thank You

 

uneasy...edgy.....ears pricked

something...maybe a sound?,  maybe nothing,  but something woke me in the DarkRainNight,  i clicked on 3 flashlights when one would have been enough,  but i clicked on 3.......    Went to sit at the table after turning on the heat.  Put my socks on,  boots,  located the sweatshirt,  made sure i knew where the gloves were,  the Fat Max big spotlight flash.  Sat down to listen.  Like an animal.   Very Still.   Breathing light and high in the chest.    Nothing more and so for a while i just looked at the Altar that is shared with a 2  1/2 year old person.   Thought about that.  Sharing an Altar with a two and one half year old person.   The Luck of it.    and how she innately understands about Altar,  about  things we keep there.   She has her toy basket and all that,  that gets spread all over and sometimes not put back...left when it's time to go home.   She has her pencils and papers stuff on the table that gets moved around sometimes falls on the floor.   But ....her stuff on her side of the Altar,   stuff she likes of mine on my side,  stuff on my side that she does not touch and does not wish to.   The stuff on the Altar....things with deep personal meaning and connection...representational and also alive in and of themSelves.   She understands the difference and works with that difference in her own 2 and 1/2 year old  mind/heart.   I think about this.   All the while,  listening, still......listening to the Dark,  the Wet Dark.

 

can you see her?   Down in the bottom left,  just above the pin?   Reaching UP?   Barely there?

 

Day 2 of all day Rain.   I spend time reading words my phone provides.  I  touch cloth.   I  continue to listen and watch out the window,  Goats,  i watch Caroline closely.   I make very slight marks on the Cloth with a #2 pencil.  Feed self.  Read more.  Write a letter of response to my friend in Magdalena New Mexico inside this craft paper card and then close it.   Begin to draw on the face of it.   That Eye,   a Plant.   Late in the afternoon  the Governor of California issues a call for all persons over 65 in the state of  California to Stay Home.   But what feels the most Intense is that all public schools in NYC are now Closed.  Indefinitely.  

 

so, what if this was All i had

i don't know what to say

there's no date on this.   I don't know when i drew it.  i remember it was a time of not knowing what to say.  

 

Caroline.    Facial recognition,  Goats.  Markings.   She passes these to kids.   The most perfectly,  to Jude's Magic who i gave to the young woman in New Mexico because i believed in her and then she left for somewhere,  i think Maine and took the goats,  Jude's Magic and the little buck i bought her and was there a while and then left them behind and returned to N Mex.  Above drawing refers to times like that.   i don't even want to say it,   because we were so WRONG a while ago,  but it does look like Caroline will kid.   Probably next wednesday.  We get totally READY this weekend.   Yesterday it was 72.   Tomorrow high in the 50's,  RAIN for the next 5 days which is NEEDED.   There was no measurable precipitation in the month of February,  a Rain Month.  

 

a few days ago i  "decided"  to not make any more Cloths because there's nothing to do with them.   But...as i am,  as it goes,  it's pretty much what i think of.   Making Cloths.   Today i washed and hung these pieces on the line in the WIND,  the same  WIND that will bring the Rain,  in that Wind to maybe be ground for

small ones.

maybe it's ok to make small ones.   ?

Peggy called today.   Peggy McGrail who sold everything and got herself a Van and set Out.   Has lived in the desert.   a part of the  Bob Wells Cheap RV Living tribe.   I know her like i would know a sister.   I am so PROUD of her.   She may be driving up the California Coast.   We talk.  if it works,  she will stop here.   The Virus maybe and maybe not will factor in.  Even with this.