windthread

part two, the morning shirt and remembering how i was

this is my BEST Button.  larger than a silver dollar

 

even then.  a Goat eye

 

the two strips....for buttons and button holes,  down the front.  Kantha.  My first.  From Jude.  I'd bought some of her Work and studied it...saw how it was done.

stitched these pieces....one from YOU,  Michelle,  on the private inside of the button hole side.   I liked that they were not visible to anyone else.

 

 

and so.   Today.   

i never much wore it.  Wanted to "save" it.  not ruin it by day to day use,  by uhhhhh,  Life.  my Life,  how i live it.  But today it all felt different.   What am i saving it FOR?   My life is how it is and has become even more so as it goes on.   If there are tears and stains,  then...so be it.  i'll mend.    And this Cloth...which i'd said was about death i think?  it is...in that all things that Live arise from the Life and then Death of all that comes before.  Nothing that is alive can be alive except for the death before it.

and in these days now,  this thread of thought has great Importance to me.   i think this Cloth gets stitched...kantha'd to the shirt.    A good way to begin the still dark hours of the mornings as they arise.

part one of today, part two to immediately follow

and when i was looking for the housedress,  i did find this....a morning shirt.  It's linen.  Big.  I like wearing Big.  It's from that same period of time...the beginnings of Jude's Online classes when i was just so ecstatic to find self stitching little raggy pieces of cloth to something.   I looked long at it today,  searching for the FEELING when i was sewing here and i realized it was the naivety,  the not knowing anything,  the just following impulse and the joy of watching things happen.

so this.   I tried too long,  too much time spent,  to upload 5 pics.  Typepad would not allow it.  But i also didn't want to sacrifice any of them.

So now,  go to the next post,  please.

 

 

and the todays keep coming

the post from two days ago....about the small Holding Cloth.   It could have easily been the last post.   I thought about it.  i left it there an extra day.   Seeing how it felt.    It's Good.   it would be a good last post.   It  says everything i have to say,  really.  The Cloth is everything i have to wish a cloth could be.   it's totally enough.   Some day it might be the last post.   but...today came.

This is a cloth copy of  one of the incredibly Wonder Full Cloths that Patty makes.   I see them as the same as the tibetan thangkas.   you can see them   Listen to the Road,   roadlistening.blogspot.com   This particular one,  Green Tara.   April 13.   in an exchange with her i asked if i might have a copy of the Tara she used and Lo and Behold,  she sent this print of her entire Cloth,  more than i'd imagined and Perfect.   It is on the upper right corner of the Other Side of the Magic Diaries Cloth,  the side of Now.   it represents for me all the sisterhood of cloth makers that we Are...How i was able,  through this blog to bring everyone with me.   New Mexico......California......Then.......Now.   The strong Thread...how strong that Thread is.

 

 

 

 

 

 

so...it's there.   At the upper right.   The Tree is in place.

Ready.   I wait now for Jude.

cloth. this small cloth.

on the wall.   across the "room"  from where i sit at the table which is the Everything Table.   this walnut dyed big Cloth of pieces.  That is the looking cloth.  

this one has been there for a couple months at least.

 

there is that Eye.   The Eye of Place.   What looks back at me as i look at this Earth here,  as i looked at the Earth everywhere i have found myself living.   And then...well,  i guess      shapes of color of movement of form of Maybe of Who knows  made of the smallest scraps of cloth just fluttering,  how it is,  that all of the whatever of Place just flutters....you have to be still,  day unto day to see        And then wonder       And then be ok with not knowing

 

it is a piece of very old,  worn,  linen...almost not there anymore and stitched with those flutterings, the eye,  to a piece of harem cloth.   it has no weight at all.    

I need to keep it just like this.   just this.   no backing,  no border,  no nothing more.    It's a Holding Cloth.  The only thing about it that has any weight is the small form of a new seedling at the bottom that was added maybe a week ago?,   but added  and grounds it somehow even tho it cannot be grounded.

when i take it off the Looking Cloth and hold it in my hands,  and look upon it,          there is nothing more in my mind.  All the mess of things of this world simply dissolves without effort...just is gone.   I only have this thin cloth,  the shapes and colors.  That's it.    Until i put it down.    Two distinct and competely different  "places".   The place of the Cloth   and the place of this world.   That's all i can say about it,   but i wish i could say more,  but there isn't any more.  Just this.

now, yesterday

i wrote a LONG post last eve that just disappeared.  So i went to bed.    Here i am again.  but now,  it's Yesterday already.  The immediacy is gone.  History.

was the Saturday walk about.   Jenny,  her man,  me, Tay, Puppy and the Herd.   i can now say,  the Herd because Caroline and the two little ones became that.   There was some snottiness towards them,  first from Grace who i call Wendy and then some focused for a while from Karma.   They had to stand their ground,  which they did.   We sat in the shade of a Scrub Oak,  there in the meadow and all of a sudden,  after about a half hour,  someone began Going and they all left.   Caroline and the bucklings.  Gone.  Off on the trail above Campsite A.   We sat a little,  waiting,  but no...they were not coming back so we left too.   And met up with them around the Feed House.   There they were....a Herd that included two little ones.   Claiming their Place.  

and then,  it was time.   They got banded.  if you want to,  you can look on utube for ways to castrate buckling goats.  None of which are pleasant.  Jenny walked off to the Curry House after asking for the bands which look like orange cherrios.   Her man and i stood there...one of us would have to be the Holder.   He said...i think you will do better than me and i said NO...YOU and he went.   I owe him.   

last eve they lay under the bench,  all small and quiet.   This morning Black was up and about although carefully.   Minion still under the bench.   I went out a few times during the day...still quiet,  tho they did stand and walk around some.  This evening feed,  all appetites back.  All voices back.  They were at the end of their corridor  with Caroline and trotted to greet me.  Ate with usual pushiness.   Minion actually head butting Caroline.

we banded quite a few babies,  Jenny and i.   But there was not the attachment to them that there  is to Black and Minion so i don't remember all how it went.  We just did it and over time,  it was memory.   Not this in between.   They are OK.  All the stuff Goats need  to be done,  has  been been done.  Disbudding.  Castrating.   From now on out,   All Will be Well.  Stuff's OK.

the Will to Live

Jenny's son,  Jeff,  Alyssia's brother.   my grandson.    Fate's father and now also the father of Brinley,  2 months younger than Emrie.  in Sacramento.   

The first spring i was here,  brought for Jenny's Mother's Day gift.   Hydrangea.    When it arrived,  that week end,  our eyebrows went up...Hydrangea,  an exotic,   none of  us had ever had a Hydrangea.   But here it was on the Hill.  Probably from Home Depot.   It was planted twice,  twice foiled by the Goats who alternately ate it and pulled it up by it's roots.   Was replanted and then finally placed in a landscape pot where it grew and shriveled,  grew and shriveled while waiting for someone,  anyone,  to say where to try to plant it again.  

Last fall i thought....enough.   it looked done in.   i planted it near the road gate at B,   quiet ,  for a while but then....Just Going.....slowly,  leaf by leaf  until now.....that bud cluster.   Maybe this Mother's Day?   There is nothing known to say about these kinds of things.   Just to marvel and watch as it all unfolds.   Life.   Life loves Life.   Loves.

not what i was looking for, but what was Found

the HouseDress i was looking for is not here.   But This WAS....i'd forgotten.   I was inspired to make it because of the Robe pattern,  learning that i could make clothing by Hand.   Is patterned after one of the many denim jumpers i wore to smithereens.   I don't know the term,  garment wise,  but the skirt of it begins somewhere around the hip.  My most loved.   It's raw silk,  Noile, from Dharma Trading,  dyed with walnut.   The piece on the bodice is a gift from Marti,  kantha stitched.    

 

i added the insert to the sides because it was too form fitting.  needed it to be very loose.   Never finished the edges there.  I see i did finish the neckline.   I'll try it out in the morning,  see if it might work for those little waking hours of Tea.   Past that,  silk is too warm.  It carries New Mexico in it.   I'll try that out too,   wearing New Mexico in Sierra Nevada.

Giving Water to B this eve i see that the Hydrangea has a bud cluster of BLOOM.  This is nothing short of a Miracle.

reconsidering. For the Long Haul

so.

we've made it so far.   No one is sick.   

Jenny,  who works at the hospital.   No longer comes when Alyssia and the kids are here.    This is a big deal.   You see Emrie's "office"...her fisher price phone and broken plastic adirondack   chair.   We called Jenny,  New Nana,  a few times.  Emrie said she was mad.   I said we would see her soon,  when her WORK said she could come.   There was no way we could find words or thoughts that would work.    So we left it at this.

Things shifted today.   Alyssia was up to doing a big shopping.  What that ended up meaning,  was,   she now is the designated Out Person.   She was 

care Full

about my sense of Agency.

how was it?   if she got Everything for Everyone?   How would i feel about that?   

she's not much for a lot of chitchat ahead of time and here we were.  I needed things.  She was ready.  The question to me was how did i feel about not going myself?,  did i mind that?   was i stir crazy?    

 

I don't ever feel any need to leave this Hill.  none.  but i also am concerned about a sense of burden for her....not only caring for herself and her kids,  but also for what i need...     We talked.   Honest and straightforward.   She is confident in her ability to maneuver in the  world....because of her physical  challenges with the autoimmune,  she has refined her "tools" to the utmost.  She is confident.   I asked her.   Do you trust yourself more than you trust me?   Yes.  

so here we are.  For the Long Haul,  as far as what we know.   I stay Here.   Emrie  and Julian,  when he wants to,  can come here.  They can continue to be Free on this Hill.  It will be a safe zone.  It will be the Other Place from their home where they can be.....6 acres of it.   Goats.  2 Gardens.  Trees.  Sky.   a chicken and a dog and cat.   an old Nana.   The day i spent with Emrie cannot be found in words.   at the end of it,  when she was in her car seat,  leaving,  i said to her...thank you for coming...she said i come here,  oush Nana.   There is nothing.  Nothing that could equal that.

Bless Us All.   This EARTH DAY.   we will go.   however we can.   

 

 

something simple

 

last roll.   Wishful thinking that this could work well enough.

need

 

When Lace Lady saw the post of the Being in the first pic,  it  reminded her of this Being who she had made some time back  and was just there.   She wondered if we might want her.   Yes.  We do want her.   She came.

going along with Jude's Robe work,   i don't need a robe.   The Blanket Robe is what i needed.   Warm days,  i have no need of a robe.  I live alone.  Often am naked,  or in a Tshirt and underpants.   If i am going OutSide,  it's for Goat work and a robe doesn't work.  But i love the idea of making  things using her pattern.   it's pure  Pleasure.   So...i'll measure this One above and make her a few things.   Because they are loose fitting garments,  Emrie will be able to dress her,  change her "OutFits".   The first will be made of Sky.   it might be a dress.