windthread

a journal post....Borage

 

tomorrow it will be one week since i posted this image.   It has been PRESENT to me,  as has the actual Plant Being,  every day since.    I need to say words.

What this image doesn't show is the hardship this Plant has experienced.  It is leggy and scraggly and is amazing that it was able to BLOOM as we see here.   Even MORE for it's one child.   It was over run by the vetch.   and i knew.  and didn't do anything.

i knew.  and didn't do anything.

i had planted the seed.  which is a commitment.  and i did not fulfill my part of that.   

the day i took this photograph was a hard day and i don't know why,  but it was.   Nothing seemed to be going right,  i don't remember what all,  but things and the Goats were Hard,  all day...nothing being enough,  they milled about,  wanting and i could not meet that wanting.  Talkie too and even Tay....and i was full of anxiety about how i could possibly do things to keep the kid goats safe,  to move toward seperating them from Caroline in order to be able to milk her which is the most primary desire for a herd of dairy goats...Dairy.   Milk.  It was all a tangle.  and Cloth Making....how does this fit in?  And i looked at this oh so earnest and steadfast Borage Plant,  covered in a mess of vetch,  which also is Beauty Full in it's fierceness,  but does not allow for much other than its Self    and i went early morning the next day and pulled the vetch.  tossing it over the fence and the Goats ate it as fast as i tossed it and the Borage was Exposed.    and all week i have gone there,  placing more soil around her base,  some stones to help her remain upright.  Giving her water with a glass.  and i planted new seed.  Her kind.  they have yet to germinate.  

the responsibility.

i googled Borage that day.   its meaning/use as an essence.   for heavyheartedness,  lack of confidence when facing challenges.  as a remedy is said to bring courage to the taker providing a condition of buoyancy of the soul....stared at these words.

Acey...sparklinglotusink.typepad.com  Acey talks about listening...to trees,  plants,  flowers....developing a sensitivity to their draw.....that they call out.   Responding to that,  finding relationship with them.    And i now see.  i now know this as experiential.  When i was lost,  Borage said....come here.   Be With me.   and  i saw a plant beleagured but blooming,  none the less.   And in caring for Her,  i care for All of It....clumsey and inept,  but i go.

Thank You,  Borage.   Thank You.

practice day

you can tell when it's around 4 oclock.   

Jenny and her man came...as they do,  on Saturday.   Brought pellets and a replacement hose for B.    We opened the Kidding House,  the Curry House door and Caroline and the 2 kids popped out.   Tay was on her leash....whinning and all beside herself.  i started to put her in the Box House,  but thought...no....she needs to learn.  and Jenny's man said....I'll do it.   He did.   as i transferred the leash to him,   and we began to set out,  i heard him say...behind me a ways....    I AM IN CHARGE HERE!   and so we went.   Him and Tay at the behind.   The babies zipping everywhere,  jumping on all the Goats backs with no regard.  Zipping ahead,  zipping over,  Black getting lost a little,  but figuring out how to find his way.   We walked through the forest again,  along the paths that are from the repetition of their hooves,  following Their Paths,  through and down again to the meadow,  stopping many times along the way.  Then....sitting.   in SUN and somehow the meadow smells like cucumber.  The Herd grazed,  babies moving confidently among them...no commotion....because of either them or Caroline,  no tension.  None.  How so great this is.   the little ones gravitate to Onday which is interesting...she is the Eldest,  the Boss. Snow Bunnys daughter.  it was She,  who watched them all slitty eyed from behind the tree.  She who has been known to have ZERO patience with kid goats,  her own or any other,  but with these....she just goes.   Nothing.   She just goes.  They like her.  Tay sat or layed next to Jenny's man and once,  the babies came zipping back from across the meadow and Black jumped and landed on Tay.....who didn't flinch,  just turned her head and looked.    At some point...Caroline decided and we began coming back,  she and the little ones directly to their door and in.  Everyone else just wherever,  Tay off her leash.   Practice.

I don't know if i've said this?   Jenny works at Enloe Hospital in Chico.   She is day supervisor of Central Supply....which now means gloves,  masks,  gowns,  gauze,  intubators,  respirators,   on and on.   They keep it coming to the patient units.  They are required to take their temperatures twice a day...by honor.   It's been a while since Alyssia  and the kids have been here on weekends when Jenny comes.   Somehow i'd thought it was just coincidence,  but i suddenly realized.  And asked.  Yes.   Alyssia is not bringing them.   Not coming.   Because Emrie wouldn't be able to understand    Social Distance  from her New Nana.  Which is true.  She would not.   She would insist on her New Nana's lap.   so they don't come.  We sat quietly after exchanging this reality.  We are sad.

Alyssia still brings the kids here.  Brings her  Self here.    It's been 2 weeks since i've left the Hill.  She brought groceries a few days ago.   i was suddenly aware of my position in all of this....remaining a Safe Person for the kids,  for Alyssia.   How critical my attention to protocol is      when i leave the Hill.   That it might change as this all wears on and on.

So many questions.  So much unknown.   In ....still......a world of Goats and Goodness.   ???????????????????????

 

 

 

my father

 

 

off and on i have said.   The Creek of my childhood was my Mother.   The National Geographics in the attic,  my Father.

it's an interesting thing to say.  But it is also true.  for me.   and my Father arrived in the mail at the threatened United States Post Office.

i opened this edition in  "celebration",  in honor of,   Marking the month of,   Earth Day and quickly riffled through when suddenly it all went upside down!....??????   such a huge printing error?   National Geographic?   But then.....i got it.   

it's divided.   

it's divided.  yes.

how will it play out? ,  Evolution?    We WILL evolve.   These times WILL change things.   How. ? .    It's up to Us.  

 

blanket robe...Jude Hill

 

 

this was made in Jude's Contemporary Boro class...years ago now.  I have used it every winter and back in the cold nights of New Mexico,  wore to sleep...over a heavy hooded sweatshirt under other blankets.

it looks Big in the first pic ,  which i guess in a certain way it is.  Made from an old thrift shop Linsey Woolsey single size blanket  (jude taught me Linsey Woolsey)    to the incredible pattern she provided then and again today.   Linen warp,  wool weft.  a gentle weave that allows,  with the pattern,  an incredible drape.  that is beyond comfortable and retains body heat.  I could have never Bought such a robe.   and Sewn By Hand.   down on the lower lft of the robe is my FishBird...i was inlove with integrated applique...Jude again.  

i think what i have learned and am so grateful.  There is so much love in it all.

kinds of days

i like days that have Gaps.   Gaps of drift.  Drift that has no agenda,  goes where ever of its own accord.   Monday wasn't like that.    and i woke Tuesday  thinking.   Was it just me?  or??????   So i decided to write it down.   because it wasn't just Monday,  it is "lately"...accentuated since the kid Goats have been born,  but also before that.    So i wrote the date.  like i do,  in the stenographers pad i use as written journal...wrote the date and wrote 9:25 am.  Finished morning feed and water.   I intended to record the whole day,  hour by hour or,   task by task.   Thinking i might see more clearly,  Time.   Maybe there WERE gaps and i was just not appreciating them???  Maybe the days are not so FULL as they seem?   So.

i woke this morning to look at that entry and there it was and then

it was blank.   The day ran away with itself.

The day was FULL of Everything.   The Goats are more complicated now with different feed events because of Caroline and the kid Goats.   Because we have shifted to evening feed being pellets instead of hay.  That in itself.   But beyond that is the constancy of the Goats  uhhhhh ,   their sense of no schedule,  so they are constantly checking,   IN CASE it might be feeding time...which i find crazy...there is food all over these 6 acres,  but Goats are Goats and they like Easy.   They like very much being Fed.  So they are aware of me and my movements through the day....come check.   Just in case.  And they are Loud when they check.   11 Doe Goats make a Lot of sound.    And over There,  is Caroline and her kids,  separated,   making their own selves known.

so Goats.   and then,  there's the Wall Garden where seeds have been planted and now just beginning to come up from their little coverings of earth...some not yet...and it NEEDS attention and WATER.   

and there's no Gaps.

it will even out in days to come.   But for now,  no gaps.   no drift.   Coming up from late water at the Wall Garden i thought about the many many women who have tended land.  Tended life in times of great challenge.   How all over the Planet Now,  women tend to life.   with no gaps of drift in much more dire circumstance.     ok.   what else is there to say.

 

like a communion table

i wiped off the table over and over and continued to collect dust on the cloth....the fine fine invisible dust from Goats trekking back and forth over earth.   Got a sheet.   

 

Pinned to the cloth Wall with excess on both sides to the cabinets with push pins.   Tomorrow will hang OutSide.  It's good.  Seeing it in its entirety like this,  the perspective has shifted with the thing of Evolution being primary.  Tree assumes its Place.  There are only two layers.  This is before i knew about harem cloth,  about the third layer.  I also didn't have any then.  This side is stitched to only the one layer,  stitching will not show through.  Because it is Now.

 

such a Gift

it wintered over.  There is one child.

was going to say something about Love, but it's not love, it's LIFE

 

 

these three pics might appear at first glance to be the same.   They are not.   They are the meadow yesterday when Caroline and the little ones came down.   Walking...or grazing,  as a Goat does,  there are such subtle differences just feet apart,  what is finding good and excellent conditions sometimes for particular need. What no longer grows there.    This meadow is changing.   The presence of the Goats,  their manure,   shit.   They eat.   They leave what they have eaten behind them as they go.   This third year of Goats is very different.   That first spring when i was here,  when the Goats were here,  the grasses and plants were knee high.   Now,  the third year,  it is a soft meadow.  Native grass and wild flowers.   I try to understand.

 

a few days ago...bemoaning no flat surface.   It had been some days of RAIN and then overcast skys.   Cold.  Moist. Like it goes these days,  there is a feeling that the moment might last forever.   That's not true.     Flat Surface.  Here is the Table,  just outside the door...long and flat.   It had been full of pots of last years dye material that i'd let lay waste.  Pliers and hack saw,  rags from whatever,  sticks,  a pine cone,  ....stuff.  just stuff,  set there and left.   I moved what was still of use.  I emptied the pots over on the poison oak stick pile.  Scrubbed it with a brush.   Here it is.  I can stitch a tree on this table.  PLENTY

of room.

we did it. All of Us....did it.

 

 

Jenny arrived.  we talked.  sitting outside .  about how it's going at the hospital.   How it's going for her.   How It's Going.  and then at some point i said...ok,  so what's the Plan?    She said...open the door/gate.   See what happens.   

we did and Caroline came out right away,  the little ones right behind,  no hesitation.   The Herd was congregated just feet away and looked on.   I'd put Tay on a leash.   She is beside herself.     There was some head butting.   But almost as a formality,  nothing with any real energy and Onday,  the Boss,   who had been looking at the babies with slitty eyes from behind the big pine tree these two weeks,  looking like some kind of Yaga,  Onday didn't blink an eye.   

Jenny and her man set out up the hill into the trees,  Jenny calling  ComeCome and they came came the little ones running up and back like lightning,  FAST and as  Minnion flew past Tay she nipped him as is her breed,  and he squealed but kept going and turned and sped back past her also without blinking an eye and i repeated the Mantra to Tay....No Babies.  No Babies like i did for Talkie....No Chicken No Chicken.   So we walked behind them a while and then i put Tay back in the little tin house.   I caught up with them down at  the Meadow and  we stayed there.   Everyone  grazing that grass,  the little ones right at Caroline's mouth...smelling her breath,  learning what to eat.   We marveled at how their presence had so changed that meadow that was overgrown with Fire Fuel,  now a meadow with myriad  tiny wild flowers,  5 kinds or maybe 6,  not over grown and also not over grazed.   Balance.   There were Bees at work.   It could not have gone better.   Caroline set out first,  to return ,  and we followed.  The little ones running back into their familiar House,  Caroline too but soon she wanted to come back out and we opened the door for her.   They cried for her,  she was unsure what to do,  Jenny walked with her along the outside of the Corridor there and she began to graze the grass  and they ran in their Corridor and were ok.    More talking for us.  Sitting,  listening,  talking.  They unloaded the bales of feed  came back up and called Caroline back in.  Closed the door.    Said goodbye and left.

it's all quiet now.   

Day one of the not knowing how to do this.   Tomorrow we will repeat.   Will repeat with modification on into the next days until it becomes only a memory of a time.  a Time.   a memory.

I Love.  Love.   I love a LOT.  

 

drama. Theater.

 

i try to avoid drama.   here.   not talk about what might be.   Stick to what is.   

this morning,   Future Primitive podcast...interview with Stephen Jenkinson,  podcast Apr. 10.    TRY to listen.   It somehow pairs perfectly with the preceding podcast with John Todd on rethinking Everything.   Very different,  but perfectly paired for me.

i first "spent time" with Stephen Jenkinson during the Alz Betty,  Old Cowboy days.   Had his books.   that got left behind to the Socorro Public Library.   Die Wise.   his world,   Orphan Wisdom School.   there was something "old" in me that made him uhhhh,  uneasy to me.   Maybe it was the Theater.   But listening to the podcast this morning...that got set to rest.  it IS Theater,  and needs to be Theater.   We NEED Theater,  we NEED it.   so if you can,  go to Utube and type in Nights of Grief and Mystery Rough Gods World Tour 2020.   and if you can go further,  listen to the podcast.   

Scraps of cloth navigate themselves to the basket to my left somehow and the two above were waiting.

i picked them up,  listening to Joanna and him....stitched them together.  They are about Death.   How death is the giver.  There is something going on with all THIS,  THIS VIRUS,  an organic being,   that i can't quite see.   That i trust somehow in all it's fierceness,  its being the great equalizer.   There is a veil.  a veil and i can only see movement behind it....i want to see more.  Need to go there...behind it.

Drama here was Jack Flash.   Down at the Wall Garden yesterday was a SCREAM.   Walking up the road,  again,  twice,  that SCREAM.   Jack had gotten his right front hoof tangled in the deer fencing on the Chicken Palace side of his own cattle panel fence.   WHY????? didn't matter...he was trapped,  his leg askew.   I ran to get the cutters that are always at the ready on the Hay House for cutting cattle panel when Sunny Ray gets his head stuck.   I got there with them and he was so afraid and Sunny Ray hoped i was there to bring some kind of treat and pushed his way between the fence and Jack wrenching Jack's leg and i couldn't get the cutters positioned because of Sunny Ray's pushing and there was a final terrible scream and Jack ripped his leg out and stumbled off

He was putting weight on it at evening feed.  Miraculously.   But this morning, he was in the Calf Hutch...looking out.  I gave the hay and he didn't come,  didn't stand.  Didn't move.  Just looked.   The day went on.  I did not go back.  There was nothing i could do if things had gone Wrong.  Jenny comes tomorrow morning.   The two of us.   

but coming up late day from the evening feed down there,  not knowing what to expect,  after a day of imagining,  there he was.  Standing and moving and coming for the evening hay.

i look at myself.   that thing of uhhhhh,  needing everything to be ok.   How that really isn't real.     ....................what comes next?,  what words....i don't know.   so,  i will stop.    

if you can....go listen to the podcast.