windthread

solace in the presence of rocks

 

i squat.  place my palm on them,  fingertips..lightly .    They are cool and sure.     They say to be Still.

tonglen rough gods

a while ago Jude was talking about her notebooks and i remembered.   I have always loved  Office Supply Stores.   I remembered how much i had off and on loved Binders.   Then,  these particular binders,  i think they're called Project Binders.  Their soft covers and slim.   not a school binder,  but i did love those too.  But in the last 20 years sometime,  i loved these,  to hold pages of writing but also clear page protectors that i could slide clippings,  photographs,  magazine images into,  even dried blades of grasses.   I had many.  Many never used,  but you never know,  so you get extra.  When i left N Mex i took them to the thrift shop except for this one which was down in one of the bins at Campsite B.   All the talk of notebooks had gotten me going..something New amidst re Repeat of the days,  amidst this limbo i was/am experiencing with cloth making.  Just something different.  When i retrieved it from the bin i saw that there are many of the clear page savers inside.  YEs!,   and i ordered some unlined notebook paper from Amazon.  Which was delivered to Alyssia's address on Thursday while i was there.    it has some tooth....takes graphite,  more Yes.    On friday,  i set the beauty Full blank pages in.   Just sat.   feeling it.   

 

then on my left,  atop the basket was this and i slide it in to a first page protector which also had a black insert.  

 

yesterday, early,   i thought.   Maybe.   and unrolled this Cloth that Crow had been keeping.   Slipped that in too.  am not sure at all about how that feels...it being contained?  i don't know.  But for this time being,  it will be ok.  it's a little too long so extends beyond the cover which i like.

 

 

and then the blank pages.   What do i want to write in here?   For so long now i have used the stenographer's notebooks and for any drawing,  the hard bound sketch notebook.

 

time to finish the day,  feed and give water and as i went down the Hill,  Tay bolted and there at the bottom were the WolfHybrids from next door.  oh, e and i yelled in my most terrible way and they ran with Tay behind and me behind more and across over and across the meadow to their fence line but got stopped and Tay is running back and forth,  they just freeze and are totally focused...the Wolf...but then neighbor Dave appears,  their rope leashes in hand saying he heard me yelling...and as he always does,  he says they are just curious,  won't hurt anything and as i always respond,  maybe not until they do and i again tell  short version of my days with my wolf/hybrid,  the heartache of that just so he knows i hold nothing against them but just DO NOT WANT THEM HERE,  CANNOT HAVE THEM COMING and he says i know, i know,  and he leashes them but wonders how to get them back over the fence and i stand silent then say we will walk to the gate so he gets himself over the fence and we go,  me and Tay ahead,  him and his dogs trailing across the meadow along the Goat path above Campsite A and the Wall Garden over to the road and down to the gate.  He tells me as we go that his mother who is in her 80's cannot do anything and he has to go everyday for her and his woman Angela who had a stroke a couple years ago doesn't go out because of the virus so that too and i say yes,  i understand,  i don't go anywhere and he says,  Do you like it here though?....he always asks that....and i say yes.  I love it and we got to the gate and i said thank you Dave,  you are a good neighbor.  And he goes off down the road,  a man of a certain age and his two huge dogs.  He's lived there 20 years and doesn't have electricity either.

and it's getting late by then,  Evening has begun and i give water and begin to walk back Up and suddenly there is no Evening anymore but something very Different and Un Identifyable   a complete SHIft and it began.

Thunder.

no Goats to be seen and Rain began.  It had been forecast.   It had been 90 something all day but suddenly was NOt.  I came in and closed the windows,  ran back out to close the one that needs to be manually opened and closed outSide,  back just as the downpour came.

Sudden DARK and 

THUNDER that was Everywhere,  that filled the entire space of EveryThing,  Dimensional Thunder,  3D  Thick,  Rolling,  All consuming all space of Hills and Valleys,  everywhere at once,  filling all space,  all things,  Thunder i had never known before reaching into and under and into my bones,  this tin house shaking and vibrating with each ROLL,  stones on the window sill falling to the floor,  Rolling of its self into its self,  rolling rolling rolling non stop...no pause...non stop lightening flashing but inconsequential within the Voice of the Thunder. 

Rough gods i thought and closed my eyes.   I saw all the news  clips  of cities on fire,  human beings in the streets,  i watched in my mind and suddenly thought to do Tonglen.

am so grateful to have this practice in this time....so Strong,  the anguish that i breathed in....to feel that...to feel that as i heard the Rough gods all around.   Yes.   Yes.   Now's the Times.  

 

the end of more tomorrow

this is the last pic of a post for today.  But i can't do the words for all of it,  so just this.

i went to Alyssia's house in town.  left at 10;30  and it was 90 degrees already.  I hung out with Emrie...Julian was off in his other world of Home School in his room.   He didn't come out.  So,   it was me and Emrie and their 4 salvaged chickens out there,  Tay on a strong long lead,  Alyssia's two dogs in the front yard,  the stray cat who is no longer stray and her 3 kittens closed off in Alyssia's bedroom and Alyssia went off grocery shopping.   I did  3 loads of laundry in her OH SO EXCELlent washer and dryer she got on the Buy Sell and Trade Page.   i cannot tell you the JOY of this,  the washing machine  which is EXCEllent and her HOT water that never happens at the laundromat....my Clothes....my SHEET AND PILLOW CASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and she returned and went through her routine of decontaminating everything with alcohol spray rub and we divided off my stuff and i finally left and came home at 3 something and it was 102 degrees and all Goats were ok  i unloaded the ice and the food and ate a tamale and walked down to give Water at the Wall garden and pinched with my fingers,  sad leaves from the green bean plants,  talked with them a while,   walked back up and gave water at B Garden where there are Black Eyed Susans AlMOST ready to bloom

and another day disappeared....so fast.  and she was able to find everything...baking powder and tahini.

HELP!

one of the two that are relatively ok

 

 

and then we have these.   Green Beans.  Bush.   

ANYTHING  you know or think you might know about why this can be happenng.  I'm Sure it's not lack of water.    

Advice desperately sought.

 

to ease the heartache of the green beans

 

and this

free range

we did it!      Let Caroline and the  (little) ones  out.    Gathered self together and let go of Tay's leash.   All are Free.   No one but me seemed to notice.    Tay went to get a good stick,  the young ones did their running/climbing/ social interaction things.  Caroline wandered eating windfall oak leaves.   It was as if it had always been this way.   This was only day 1.  we will continue,  practice like this a few days.  But if there is no commotion,  it's Done.    After about a half hour just here,  near the house,  they set out over the hill above Campsite B.   Disappeared from view.  Gone.   Tay and i were just here.  After about 20 minutes there was the crylostcalling of one of the little ones...it went on and just as i was getting ready to  go find him,  it was quiet.  About a half hour later,  they all ambled up the road,  Caroline et al in Lead.   It will be interesting to watch the hierarchy occur.  Tho she has no interest,  she may be just Given Lead.  She has two body guards.     We have never kept wethers as part of the Doe contingent.  They have been given away or sold or put in as companion for an intact buck.   What will they be like?...as part of a free range herd?   We all look....they on facebook pages,  me utube....we find nothing so far.   It was in the 90's.  The little ones were panting  when they returned,   Goats don't pant.  They were panting...i brought them a bowl of water,  Black drank long,  Minion just a sip.  The three went back to the Curry House with no urging and were quiet the rest of the day.  The heat is hard on the little ones.

 

Fear.   Fear isn't healthy.  There is such a difference,  this evening...   we accomplished what i was afraid of.   It could have gone very differently.   Tay could have easily been different....aggressively interested in the baby's business.  They are so fast and exciting...i wouldn't have been able to hold it against her,  but it would have made so many things impossible.  and Hard for her.  The complexity being that i all along identified these kid Goats as belonging to Emrie and Julian.   So it was a set up.   Their well being HERE on this HILL became so much of a uhhhh,  requirement?   Commitment?  it could have been a.... well, we'll see kind of thing,  meaning if it worked,  ok.  If it didn't seem to be able to work,  ie  Tay not being able to leave them alone,  we would find good homes for them...OR keep them in with Nogal.   But no Free Range for anyone was possible.  To limit Tay's freedom at this point for me would have been a heartbreak.  She takes her "job" of Security of the Hill so to heart....and needs to be able to run.

Do not be attached to outcome.    I can't learn that.   I try.

Maybe Love is powerful.   

something connected. Green Tara is stitched down.

Saskia of Tales From the Birdhut   saskiavanherwaarden.com  

made a being.   i took a soft breath seeing...i saw myself.   and funny,  when i commented that,  she said she had thought of me in the making.   I tried to find words for what i recognized and came to....a kind of empty but alert presence.  and i'm  thinking about that still,  as it turns now toward evening.   

an empty but alert presence...what i feel like.    

and i should say.   Green Tara is a cloth print that Patty of Listen To the Road....roadlistenig.blogspot.com  kindly and generously made for me of one of her quilted Cloths that i LOVeD

 

 

how we Can.

cucumber

curiosity

 

holly hocks....second year...They came from New Mexico.   How?    did they find me?

 

looking for a receipt....this

 

and looking.....open and inside ,   this photograph.    It's Memorial Day weekend,  the weekend  that is set aside to Remember those who have gone before.   how interesting....this pic,  in this unfinished card drawing.....Marjorie Burke Price.   My oh so so Be~loved friend.   I would have sent this card to her....telling her the News,  asking her to Tell me her Understanding of IT....How i MISS HER,  still...so so many years,  but she is still so much who she was then,  in my Heart,  when we would go off for two days on a weekend  to a campground maybe a half hour away.  Take what we needed.   Build a Fire.   Burn things,  set things Free....sit.   Stare off in silence.   I loved her.   I Love her.

On Being...podcast 5/21    Towards a Moral Revolution   Jacqueline Novogratz.    HOW We CAN.

 

today

 

the phone/camera  stayed  In.  

They came. They forgot  part of what they wanted to do today...left it home,  the wheel for the Gate down there,  so it had to go a different way and it did.   The hitch got put in place on the goat boat for the possible Evacuations.   Old hitch no good.  New hitch,  Ready.   Yes.    

She looks on internet about how to do things.  They worked on a frame that will hold rocks.   Cattle panel cut and clipped into a square.  Fill with rocks.   A pillar.   For the Gate  down there,  at the bottom.  

All the while,   Caroline and the little ones were out...merging.  There was really not any challenging for Caroline at all.   They are done with that.   The  little ones zipped and flew and at one point went off with the Herd somewhere for a while...Caroline stayed here.   I watch all this.  To understand how to go forward.   I take my cue from her.   Those little ones....they are Ready to just become Herd.   it all rests now on Tay.   She has remained on leash.    Soon,   at some point,  must be let off and Fate will prevail.

at the end of a day

 

sometimes all the way Down.  Sometimes half way and then Over.  Sometimes just as far as to visit the Hydrangea.  But we walk.   Us.   We walk.   I think.    What an incredible GIFT this is.   The words are trite.  over used,  Gift,  but it is nothing less.   I would have never imagined,  most of my life,  that this is how i would end a day.   Walking with Goats.  a chicken.  a cat.  a dog.  my shadow.  Walking.

Orphan Wisdom.com talk with S Jenkinson Strange Days Still

that Manzanita

 

 

coming home today from the day In Town at Alyssia's home.

Please.  if you can.   listen to this "talk" with S.  Jenkinson.   I only listened once...need to repeat.  There's a LOT and some,  i'm unsure what i heard?   But in the last few moments,  he stated....   Totally succinctly,  exactly what i have been struggling with in the last weeks.   Am so grateful for this.   To hear my thoughts coming out of someone else's mouth.  What blessed relief.  Release.