windthread

a gift

i'm almost to the campsite A  gate,  the Wall Garden and bursting from the Rooster Swamp....this incredible sight...he hesitated just out infront of the road gate then took off up Carefree Way...our little dirt road...as he got just out of sight,  all the horses from over there came galloping through their pasture....down their hill.   I think right now there are six.  Sometimes there's more.   A shrill whinny and i could hear him skid and turn back this way.  He went off the road and was searching to see a way over the seasonal stream...there is old ill kept fencing there but he couldn't get through.  Finally he remembered how he came and took off back through the rooster swamp.  Back home.   He's new.  All the other horses are full size...he is a Pony...maybe a Welsh Pony.  Full grown but small,  but so gloriously BeautyFULL...his gait,  like a movie...mane and tail flagging out,  Black Black Black with a single white blaze across one eye and down the side of his face.  Beauty.   FULL.  

 

 

witness

i wasn't planning on it at all.   and then,  didn't think i possibly could.   But then....i thought,  ok...just for a minute and i watched the LIVE of the trial FOR George Floyd,  FOR his family,  FOR a huge portion of the population of the United States of America, FOR Truth and for humankind here,  in the country in which i live,  FOR these times

and it seemed just too much....i needed to plant things in the B garden which meant much to accomplish to receive the Planting.  I NEED to stitch the cloth.  NEED to stitch the cloth.  and alternate days with the Wall Garden where SO Much is needed.....

I can't watch.

but i did.  for a while.  then worked at B.  Then came back and did House work necessary then made food and watched some more as i ate that food.  And when i would have quit for the day....i continued.  at first by just touching the cloth pieces,  but they were Ready for me and moved into place.  

I'm glad i watched the LIVE trial....it is very different from reading words about it at the end of a day.  I met the witnesses,  Felt them.  Watching their faces,  their bodies.  I watched the lawyers,  forming their questions to get a specific response they wanted.   For George Floyd's family.  For all the past and future George Floyds  I will attend.  I will witness.   This is my family.

 

the All of It

so,  next to me.   Less than 12 inches away,  this drawing board with Cloth.  Cloths.   Waiting for me.    To bring these last days into the Making.   Tomorrow morning.   

simultaneous realities

 

throughout the day,  i tried to stay in Both realities....keeping the Pink Floyd tape in my head running..."going there"  off and on.   and at the end of the day,  sat with these and again this morning.   But the spell was broken.  Went through the notebook where i had almost mindlessly written the thoughts and images as they came and i can't get back there.   So.  Will write it as it came in the new sketch book/Journal i'd started last week and hope that someThing will trip it loose again.   Many of the images remain Vivid.

these are tomatoes and hot peppers

generations

 

rocks from New Mexico.   Generations...what do  "generations" mean to rocks?

Weekends are for Jenny.  My daughter.  Born from me.   Alyssia,  born from her.   Emrie born from Alyssia.

 

this Day

rain on dandelion    vadaka1986

more dreams  and i can't yet Tell.    My son in Colorado got his first vaccination.   I work.  in B Garden.   Emrie shared time,  listened to me telling Alyssia about the dreams and then when it was her turn,  told me i was talking too loud.  I said i was sorry, but that it was so important and she said,  i know, it's ok.    but now it's my turn.  And she told about how when she lived in a jungle in trees.

this Thing....LIFE is so beyond Beauty FULL

 

secret stuff

looks innocent enough, doesn't it.

 

Pretty much undisturbed for well over 10 years.   Was always on the shelf under the windows in the ROOM in New Mex.  Came out  mostly when the kids were there.   the Colored Pencils.  I don't have any memory of when this metal box came to be employed this way.   Don't know where or when i got it.   Maybe i can dream it.   But was at some point in my Van days.  or readying for that, even.    Ever since Acey mentioned the fishing line,  it's been in my mind.  Had no idea where it could be and no real will to look.  But at the end of this day i suddenly pictured this.  and  here it was....wound around a piece of bamboo.   Would have been from the "doll" making days.  I used it a lot then.  How it got in here i don't know.  Who needs 2 paper hole punches?   Why is that big brush in there?  and when did the copper pipe for cloth dyeing end up here?   

There's some kind of uhhhh,   incidental reorganizing going on,  aside from my deliberate conscious mind.   I don't ask questions.  Just a drawer here,  a shelf there.   And now,  this has my attention.

When i was in the grip of the Anxiety/Food Poisoning,  that next day,  I remembered taking the train from Ann Arbor to Chicago with Beloved Margery Burke Price to Loyola where we took 3 day workshops with Ira Progoff....his Intensive Journal Workshops.   We were heavy into it.   I remembered how he would say....don't make Things  stand to reason.    I'm thinking a lot about those words,  that advice.   Don't make Things stand to reason.    receive them as they come and let them take you.

it was a good day at the Wall Garden.  Vetch is taking over,  is EveryWhere,  in Profusion.  More than ever before.  I notice how the Weed People,  the native and wild plants,  take turns.  This year,  it's the Vetch and amazingly,  Cranes Bill,  or Storks Bill.  There's even a lot in small gardens of ItsSelf up here.   I extended the fence trellis and planted this years Cucumbers.  Remember,  Deer don't like them.   So twice as many Cucumbers as last year.  If they do well,  will be enough for a reliable flow to all three households.  Weeded some...for the garlic and onions,  and to keep space for the potatoe starts that should finally arrive any time.   I didn't take the phone so have no pics of the  ?Lupine that HAS sprung up after that mowing.  So glad to see this.   There could easily be twice as many hours to a day and still....not feel like enough.

 

 

so much love for how it goes

Well.

like Lazarus,  i rose.  Hungry.  very hungry.  I made a meatloaf,  two very large baked potatoes.  a salad.

So....What WAS IT?/ IS IT STILL?

Today i am back to me.   the ordinary me,  but with the shine of the unordinary me remaining and i think....What WAS that?  and there are two things....maybe it WAS an anxiety attack.   or,   maybe it was food poisoning....this occurs because yesterday i had zero interest in any kind of food,  not even the morning tea.   Today i am HUNGRY.   so i'm looking.   

i did eat stir fry with chicken that had set Out way too long and at the time smelled ify,  but i have a strong constitution and ify is usually ok....???    So i don't know.  am thinking a combination....there was very good reason for high anxiety but also...that stir fry      and as i have come to know,   life and our bodies are On Our Side and try to help in any way they can. 

So this morning,  eating the meatloaf and baked potato i went to find Laurie Anderson,  Big Science.   Another clue that it was my 

MIND

going back,  out of the blue to old  Music....always a clue

from there i remember so much from the Intensive Journaling....Ira Progoff's  Intensive Journal Process....and this is connected to my beloved Marge,  Marjorie Burke Price who i called up some days ago and has all remained in my mind,  in my heart,  ...how we went to Chicago to Loyola University for workshops in this Journal Process....we rode the train,  stayed 3 days,  and how he always reminded us to not  "make things stand to reason".   

and from there it was Pink Floyd,  Wish You Were Here.....listening over and over

Ending with the Eagles.   Take It Easy.     don't let the sound of your own wheels make you crazy

This took all morning.   And i don't know,  in this moment that is just before dusk.   Was it an anxiety attack?   Was it food poisoning?   

I am thinking it was a very Beauty Full combination of both...because i needed to be Thrown for a Loop.   Needed to hit the fan.

I spent the afternoon at the B garden.  I planted the slip of penstemon that had rooted in the window,  mixed more soil for the pots,  slowly and mindfully Gave water to all there,  admiring all the new Green,  especially the new leaf buds of the Fig  and Pomegranate.  Came back to do the evening feed,  fill all the water tubs,  Talkie's feed dispenser and all her here and there water sources.  it was a Beauty FULL day.   i am so Grateful.

 

 

Learn, grace,

how to tell the truth.    how to KNOW the truth,  to even tell....maybe that's the real question.  

Dreams have changed recently.   the one last night....hard.  and i couldn't get out of it.   Ever since i had the UTI i wake maybe 3 times a night to pee and during those times i am very aware of the dream and can choose to  return to it.  or not.    Last night not.  I was in it for the long haul.  I don't remember what was happening and that is a rare,  almost never occurrence and it was a hard dream.   But it didn't want me to know,  to bring it into the light.    Waking,  habit now,  i put the water on for tea.   Pick up the phone and check the weather.  The one i have gives 3 hour increments for every 24 hours.  I can know when it's likely i can FEED and they can eat.  From that to the gmail.  messages or none and the tea is ready.  News.    a second cup of tea is for blogs i read and love.    After that,   shut it all down and Sit.   Whatever meditation will take me into the day.   

this morning,  after the Dream,  while it was still dripping off my mind,   there was NO PHONE apps.   and as far as my limited knowledge took me,  no way to troubleshoot.  There was a horrible headache,  also uncommon and the two aspirin i took made me nauseated.  It was far too early to try to call Alyssia.  And i won't belabor it all at this point but i think i had a first anxiety attack ever.    I simply got back into bed.  Pulled the covers up and went back to sleep to wake 20 min later,  facing the window...the view of SUNLIGHT glittering on leaves,  to Tay restless to be let out.   It was all over.  The headache was gone.  

Message still worked.  I did that...Alyssia.   she called early afternoon and talked me through some fixes but they will be temporary...i need a new phone.    But more than that,  i need a new Way.   A lot is going on and it was clear that there is nothing to do but put full heart and attention to all of it.  Full Heart.  Full Attention.   I look forward to tomorrow morning.  Begin Again.

Talkie had quit laying a couple months ago as chickens do in the dark days.   This morning in the corner of the feed shed...these.  I take them as a sign.

 

 

continuing

Patty's prayer flag.  Tomorrow is her surgery.   If we can be with her.

 

what rose up today.   Not what i would have imagined.