how to tell the truth. how to KNOW the truth, to even tell....maybe that's the real question.
Dreams have changed recently. the one last night....hard. and i couldn't get out of it. Ever since i had the UTI i wake maybe 3 times a night to pee and during those times i am very aware of the dream and can choose to return to it. or not. Last night not. I was in it for the long haul. I don't remember what was happening and that is a rare, almost never occurrence and it was a hard dream. But it didn't want me to know, to bring it into the light. Waking, habit now, i put the water on for tea. Pick up the phone and check the weather. The one i have gives 3 hour increments for every 24 hours. I can know when it's likely i can FEED and they can eat. From that to the gmail. messages or none and the tea is ready. News. a second cup of tea is for blogs i read and love. After that, shut it all down and Sit. Whatever meditation will take me into the day.
this morning, after the Dream, while it was still dripping off my mind, there was NO PHONE apps. and as far as my limited knowledge took me, no way to troubleshoot. There was a horrible headache, also uncommon and the two aspirin i took made me nauseated. It was far too early to try to call Alyssia. And i won't belabor it all at this point but i think i had a first anxiety attack ever. I simply got back into bed. Pulled the covers up and went back to sleep to wake 20 min later, facing the window...the view of SUNLIGHT glittering on leaves, to Tay restless to be let out. It was all over. The headache was gone.
Message still worked. I did that...Alyssia. she called early afternoon and talked me through some fixes but they will be temporary...i need a new phone. But more than that, i need a new Way. A lot is going on and it was clear that there is nothing to do but put full heart and attention to all of it. Full Heart. Full Attention. I look forward to tomorrow morning. Begin Again.
Talkie had quit laying a couple months ago as chickens do in the dark days. This morning in the corner of the feed shed...these. I take them as a sign.
