i understood something in it's Complete Ness this morning. In a flash. and as soon as it happened, and as soon as i began trying to give it words, it unraveled and hid from me. I guess i'm not ready. ? or It's not ready to reveal its truth. But these words here and this pic maybe can keep hold of the knowing that i knew if only for a second.
Here, Emrie was to my right, at the "end" of the table, on the Old Cowboy's Mother's chair. She had gotten all her things from her side of the altar to the table. She hasn't done this in a while...all of them. i am to her left. the altar behind me, that basket with the drawing board and calendars, stones, Things of the moment to my left ....the stack of small Cloths i'd taken off the Wall Cloth. I moved the stack to the table in front of me so i could look for something in the basket and with out a word, she took them and pushing all her small objects to the middle, began to arrange the small Cloths. She was totally and completely absorbed. Learning.*....i was silent and simply watched. She turned them over and back, up and down and it took her 3 tries till she got them "right". Some were OtherSide up. and she began bringing her Things from the middle to place on them. She talked to herSelf. Sang. It was as if i wasn't there. After a while, she sat back and looked at me, including me again in the moment of time. I said....what's happening here? And she said I don't know. It never happened before. and began to play with them, putting the stone lizard in Michelle's Yellow Truck, driving it over to the helicopter and asking for something to drink.
*i have been understanding this...for a short while....let the new be new. Do not interpret Now by the past. Do not feel the need to Teach...anything....anything at all. Grand mothering doesn't need to be that. Grand mothering, or here, Old nannaing, can be just Being With, in a so so complete way.
This has never happened before. She said that at least 4 other times about something that happened....like when she flew/fell out of the Meditation Swing as it was spinning, skidding and scraping her knees and palms and i said what Happened!? and that answer...i don't know...this has never happened before.
this has never happened before. When you are just barely 4, almost everything has never happened before. You have no life history to look back upon....all you have is what happened and its Context. Now.
Here's where this all gets tricky. I want to stay with this...with these words of hers....it never happened before. I want to stay, quietly, thoughtfully...Open. I want to resist the urge to interpret what is happening in terms of my own history...because it DOESN'T APPLY. oh.....eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee this is hard. So....i'll leave it for now and just add that my own experiences DO NOT APPLY to what she is Living as a 4 year old girl in 2021. The word CONTEXT is crucial. Tools and Skills that i have in my napsack DO. but they apply Only in the Context of Today. Things will never go back to how they used to be. And would i want that? Was how stuff used to be so Great?....no. So what do people Do? They can stay quiet and look at what has happened that has never happened before and LEARN. How do we DO this?, this moment Now? We learn together. Everyone is the Teacher. Everyone can Learn.
