windthread

to be in this world

Post of  10~29    Being Unable to Choose     the last comment there from Joy in  Az.   dear Her,  DEAR  her........she gives a LINK to Living Shrines Vimeo...please.   Please go see.    I didn't go back there today,  to Uyghur China.     They came...Alyssia, Jenny and Emrie...part to bring the   "ordered" stuff".....dog food   chicken food   groceries and then the ICE and BATTERIES , part to return the van and  there we were,  just Us for the first time in Days without Jeff and the other kids,   the Old Just US and  Emrie  wanted to know how she can Hug and Alyssia told her to get her mask from the van and i took that as a clue and got my mask...Jenny goes without,  Alyssia wears hers sometimes on,  sometimes hanging off one ear and  Emrie got her mask and came running and flung herself into me.  It's been just a little over two weeks but feels like a thousand years.   

why?

for sure,  double click.  Please.

why do i love what i love?   

those Shrines....the 113 images,  photographs,  of sticks or wood.  to which raw fragments of cloth have been affixed.   in a STARK landscape.   What i feel

feel

as i look at them is just a deep and so sensuous LOVE.    Of what?,  exactly?   

and then this.  I knew i needed more,  if i were to take the photographs to SomeOne to ask questions.  i put , so gently,  pressure on the stem of the largest,  and found....there were 4.   4/one.   and how so gently they are attached to the Earth.   it took almost no pressure.   And there.  I had disrupted them,   ended them.   The excruciating  Beauty of this.   All of it.  The partial yellow pot.   The elegant partially decomposed cardboard that had taken on a slate blue hue,  the pine needles,  and then

the Beings itSelf,  themSelves...looking at the pic now i can smell it....the scent of wet Earth  of their bodies,  the ethereal quality of touching with finger tips   

these are Love Things to me.   How did this happen?   Why?   and Why is it so important to me to try to tell about it.  To find words for what i feel

being unable to choose

don't forget to click the pics.

that post yesterday....i used the word installation.   incorrectly.   very loosely,  humorously,  and in accordance to my own interpretation.   Maybe just as:  materials gathered and arranged in a temporary form,  the interpretation of which maybe is only Seen,  Known to and by the gatherer but that may be recognized as Form by others in their own singular ways?   That's not the definition of installation,  but it's mine.   There must be a better word.  I wondered all day what a better word might be.    And as i continued with the dismantle of Things at B Garden i remembered what i was wanting to remember and found in one of the storage tubs....this book.   It needs to be brought Up and kept as an Evac Take.    Typepad only lets me post 2 pics at a time.  Tomorrow i'll put 2 more from the book and some words.    the Whole of the book,  the images,   takes me back to the Place i lived in New Mex.  Back to the Raft.   Which i called an altar.   I think about what Lisa Ross speaks of as Shrines.   Shrine.  Going to need to spend some time with that word too.  Shrine.   

My mind is occupying interesting territory since the Storm.  Since T's death and all that is evolving from it.   I find self  realizing  i am

gone.

as i refocus on what is at hand,  as in,  what i am actually  doing,   I  am unable to tell myself where i Was.   

tonight again,  the frogs sing.   Morning and Evening the Geese flew overhead.   Coming and Going  Going and Coming.  Same.

another Installation double click

Snake and Crow discuss Toads

the goingness of Just Going

 

B Garden took a hit from the "weather" phenomenon.   I couldn't bear to take a pic.   But....there,  under the Yellow Daisy bush...these.   about 4 ",  the largest.    After triage,  i came back up to look in the beautifully photographed Mushrooms of California  pamphlet.      I found   White Matsutake/Pine Mushroom.     Cap and stem white to yellowish with reddish brown fibrous patches,  flesh very firm,  spicy aroma,  gills are attached, membranous veil, found in coniferous forests.  Highly prized for its taste;  harvested/shipped worldwide.   and then.....BEWARE of similar white mushrooms that are poisonous.

i continue looking....almost same pic:   Smith's Amanita.   White to cream cap with cotton like warts,  veil shaggy,  cottonlike when young,  gills close to crowded.  found in conifer forests   NOTE  This species occasionally mistaken for the Pine mushrooms....a deadly mistake!  

and this is how it is for me.  With mushrooms.    I have yet to wander the rest of the forests here.  Am sure that there are many or will be many  mushroom Beings rising up from that Storm.    Would have been so Perfect for them,  so Energizing.  Maybe this year i'll follow through and put forth the effort to find someone...a PERsON who i trust to teach me.   ?????  Tucked into the pamphlet is a publication about Lake Oroville....a map.   I hadn't looked at it before.  It's Wonder FULL.   These are things that Jenny gave me the first winter i was here.   I am slow to acclimate,  yes?  yes.   But...i look at that map and there is so much...just down the way and across from here.   I think of Nancy   Pomegranate Trail,  her goings.   i think...c'mon, grace,  what's your deal?

i love mushrooms,  fungus....something so magical about 

spores

about the forest floor,   that holds the Waiting,  that cannot be domesticated,  that has such wild agency

tonight as i was closing the door.   the Tree Frogs began singing their Winter Rain Song.

today was T's  "funeral".    as her mother wanted.   Jeff made it through.   Jenny accompanied him.  Alyssia had Brinley and Emrie nearby at a park   She said there was a ladybug on the slide and they looked up...into the sky blue sky and said thank you, auntie T,  Mama,    thank you for sending this to us.  Love Love

 

my partner

Tay.   She is Catahoula X...probably with Australian Shepard  as is common in New Mexico ranch dogs.  The Catahoula is very dominant.    She's 7,  maybe 8.   My old dog Chinche was getting  more  old,  getting deaf and i needed a "gate dog".  I told my Goat friend Jan who said to get in touch with Dorothy,  an Elder founding Mother of the Socorro Animal Shelter.   Dorothy had been working the Animal Shelter Booth at the county fair.  Some kids from Alamo reservation handed her this pup and ran.   Dorothy tried.   She had her about 8 months but wanted to give up.   She was intense,  headstrong,  over active and not compatible with Dorothy's elder dogs.   And so.   My old house there...the almost 2 acres enclosed by wood privacy fence.   Inside that fence,  both front and back yards  connected by a "corridor" for the Goats.  She was good about the Goats...didn't "bother" them but was also not among them.  She accepted Tazmeena the cat as part of the household.  Tried to see if old Chinche might play but quickly gave up on that.   Monitored the house yard and...the Gate.   She initially had a large dog crate in the living room.   When too wound up was told to go to her "house".   There was a dog door,  so,  in and out at will.   

then we came here.  I think she was three.   They had fenced the entire 6 acres in anticipation of the Goats except for the steep hill down to the canal/creek...just bordered by the creek.    Separated the Goat Forests,  bucks and does with fencing.   and then a year and a half ago,   we let the Doe Goats loose.   There was some concern but soon it was clear that both she and the Goats would easily move together here.   Jenny bought Julian chickens.  They came here.  One just died for no reason.   Tay killed one, or,  brought me a chicken,  dead,  with not a single feather out of place...but brought it to me in her mouth.  It could have died of fright.   She was on the 12 ft lead for days.   Whenever we passed Talkie i would say LOUD....NO CHICKEN....DON't EVEN LOOK!!!   This morning i watched she and Talkie smell each other's breath.   

She is not stranger friendly.  They are not necessarily good with children,  but she is good with the children who come here.  

She has accommodated everything that has been asked of her.  Well.     When she is not next to me,  she is up at that small meadow above B where she is in the middle of the Hill,  can hear everything in all directions.    She knows exactly what i am doing at ALL times.   We are like each other's shadow.    There is not a lot of overt exchange because we are just One Thing.  We are not a person and a dog.   We are Us.  One.    Tay/me   me/Tay     She sat.  Listening with me.  

 

and then,

so they left late Saturday afternoon and as they were leaving the Rain picked up.    Within in an hour or so,  it began...that  Atmospheric River.   Deluge.  but more.   There is  NOTHING  but Rain.   And i  went to sleep,  glad we had gotten the bedding straw.  Glad for the day.  Glad for the Us.    and somewhere soon after,   the Wind began.   I got up and listened.  RAINWIND had become one Thing.   Now there was nothing but RainWind.   I listened.   but then went back to bed.  Back to sleep.  Morning would come.   It did.  and there was no reprieve.  They say there were 60mph gusts.   I could see very little,  it was dark and thick with Rain,  not even Rain,  but Water just Pouring down  i could see the tops of the trees blowing, swaying....80ft Pines swaying.  Nearby.  Tay came away from her rug by the door to lie next to me here at the Everything Table.    i kept thinking,  it will let up.  But then it didn't and there was another sound...a soft clatter and it was the fiberglass cover to the bathroom ceiling vent.  It fluttered and then didn't then did.   and then there was a continuous clatter.   I hoped.    Please.   Let it stay.    I tried to read.  but couldn't concentrate.   i thought about sorting through this space next to me on the bench  but couldn't.  All i could do was listen.   Tay listened.   We sat here.  Listening.   The drawing book was on the table and i got a pencil and thought at least i could draw.  The Above.   not much.  each line seemed to take endless time,  each mark and probably because i was listening.   I was afraid.  In N Mex there would be Crazy Wind but it would be for a finite time,  from one direction to another,  not this Wind that was everywhere and all directions and hours now.   Suddenly the little vent cover ripped off and it all came IN.    Pouring in and i dragged Old Cowboy's Mother's chair in there and cut the shower curtain off  with scissors  and cut strips of duct tape and  stuffed it in to the square in the ceiling,  there's a screen at roof level and i knew it wouldn't work but it was all i could think of and i dreaded calling Alyssia  but i did.    Ok she said.  Electricity off in town.  soon as she could.  and i saw that the water was not pooling on the floor but leaking out somewhere under the sink cabinet.   Shower curtain on floor.

these cloth scraps.     I sat down and reached over to find the stones in the basket.   Held them.  Then placed them.   Set this card that she had brought from her mailbox yesterday...from LaceLady.    And sat.   Listening.  And it all just kept up.   And i heard a cracking somewhere out there and thought..ok....this might be it.    What if      this was it for me?    What if that great Pine i have been watching FELL.    FELL here.   What if this was....the end.  ?    and  nothing changed.   The cloths were still there  in their Beauty,  the stones,  the same in the palm of my hand  or there,   the image of the Womb that i suddenly saw the center of as being her hands,  holding,  holding the thing of Life

and they came,  having found the exactly perfect tarp thingy and bongee cords and covered the hole  Alyssia on the roof  and fed the Goats and left and the RAINWIND kept going on into yet another night but there was no rain inside so i went to sleep waking off and on to get up and listen on into Morning and suddenly around 10 oclock

it quit.  

SUN came and all was sparkling diamonds.    tonight i made macaroni and cheese.

yesterday

a while back,  2 maybe 3 weeks ago.  Maybe a month.   

I moved all of these Super Max size Zip Locks of scraps that fill the bench seat across from me into that back room.    All these months,  over a year, 2 or how many i don't really know,  i had moved them back and forth everyday....bench to along the wall of the bed in the morning and then back to the bench at night.   I could go back in the Steno Notebook and see if i can find out why exactly i did that....but i won't.   It happened.  

Yesterday morning at dawn  i moved them back.   to the bench.     i needed to be with them.   I thought i was going to look for the scraps i would use  as   the stones  she needed for Circling herself.   I opened one bag,  running my hand through,  lifting sifting and what happened was this.

 

another "installation"  coming together without hesitation,  almost without breathing.    Then there was the day.  Jenny was coming to bring grass hay feed and bedding straw,  but the hours went along,  it was raining  and late afternoon she messaged that she was on her way.  a message from Alyssia followed....we are ALL on our way.   and they came.   I'd not seen Jeff since he arrived at Alyssia's a week before,   had not seen Fate for months.   many months and then,  only once in these Covid times.  and Suddenly they were all here.   Fate exclaiming...I know you!!!!!,  surprised.    The kids  zipped around,   Jenny, her man and Alyssia took care of the feed,  let the kids help.    i sat...distanced....from Jeff and we had some small soft words and at one point Emrie came and pulled the third plastic adirondack chair up and called to Alyssia that she would be there sitting with Old Nana and Uncle  Jeff  but that lasted moments before she was OFF to catch up with Brinley and Fate.    Jenny, her man and Jeff  took the kids over the rise and down to the Spider Swing above the meadow.    Alyssia and i stood in the rain,  partially sheltered by the table umbrella,  partially wet and exchanged some words on how  "it's going"   ending with me  talking about seeing  Emrie run   "with Real children",   and then saying....it also breaks my heart.   She nodded and we agreed....well....it was time.   A mother and an Old Nana are really,   not enough.   

reciprocity .......?????? not really?????? or

often enough i wake in the morning before first light and have misgivings about what i had posted here the night before,  in the Dark.   Too much this or that...not enough.    But then when i read it...it's ok.    It's true and the trueness is ok enough and i just go.     This morning....not.    I'd quit last night because it wasn't.  But  i was unsure what wasn't so just gave up and went to sleep.  It was cold.  

What wasn't was the word.   Reciprocity which is a very sacred word to me.   A loved word.   Like,  really Loved word.    A holy word.   

i looked at this pie plate with some of what B Garden has given.   What's reciprocal?    What Received?    I did.   What was given?   other than what was necessary so that i could receive?   What was given for Other?,  in this case,  this Hill?   What was given to Hill in reciprocal exchange?    

it was all for me.   or me and my Own.    

What is reciprocal about Us on this Hill,  this Hill of Land,  Earth?   We are squatters.   Hill has been here.  The Trees have been here.  This Earth has been here.    Because of the Old Cowboy,  who came from a long line of squatters,    my daughter and her daughter were given enough MONEY to

purchase

this Place.  This Hill.  These 6 acres.    And as the story went,  they brought an old woman and Jenny's Goats and a dog and 2 cats and they changed it forever so far.

WHAT is reciprocal about this?    

Old woman likes to plant things,  grow things so she uses a pic to break up the granite soil.  She brings in bags of stuff from Tractor Supply and adds it,  positions pots.  Goes religiously,  RELIGIOUSLY,  Every Day and gives her plants water.   She makes a funny little bird bath on a metal chair.   She finally grows some flowers.  and Bees come.     Goats roam,  like deer may have before,  but they are confined to the acres by fence,  so they roam in repeated patterns  changing the Earth with their shit.  

WHAT is reciprocal.   

 

 

a once in a life time day

the weather "app" on my phone.   It tells Every Thing.   But what it tells most is an hour by hour forecast.    I can look.   The day is forecasted 100% chance of RAIN  but this Weather tells me that there are windows in this.   What the windows mean to me is that this is when i will be able to FEED the Goats.   When the Goats will be able to eat their feed.   and today,  when i had enough time to go fill the propane tanks down at LakeSide,  be back and still enough time for the evening Feed.   This is just so FINE.  I don't know how to say how really GREAT this is.   You wouldn't know.   Unless you needed to do it.   But it's Huge.

and then...there's the Funeral arrangements.   T.   her body.   Her body is still at the hospital morgue.   T.   still there.   There was all the negotiation with a Funeral Home,   with T's mother.   This much money for this much "service".   Jeff not doing well with it.   and in the last month or so,  i'd thought about a credit card i have.   For months there has been no balance.  i'd paid it off.  the repairs to the Honda car in hopes of becoming California compliant.  But recently,  i thought...eeee,   what if you never use your credit card?   and today those two met.   Just use the card.     Which i was "given" totally by accident because i ordered stuff from Garden's Alive and they had an offer  Pre Approved and i got it,  even when my own bank could not give me credit based on my income.  It's been over 10 years.  So today...for T.   For Jeff.  For Sanity.

and the best for last....as i was leaving,  CareFree Way,  onto Old Olive,   i saw

i saw

on my right the image above....These BUSHES or SHRUbS    neither word is enough for what they ARE,   these Plant Beings.

Never in these 4 years have i seen this...they are Glorious.   Fiercely Alive and Vibrant and.....BLOSSOMING!   BLOSSOMiNG! Zillions of blossoms.....???????????     the Rain,  having cleaned the leaves that look to be like Holly???????????     There is a thick clan of them,  just near the road where CareFree meets Old Olive.    Had this happened before?    I don't know.  But i do know that i witnessed it today and i mark it.   As a miracle of this Earth.   How so dry and dust covered for months can,  with just Some Rain,   BLOOM   and  i am also grateful that maybe i finally have become able to release Self from the confines of mind...and really See.....really See.