because of the conversation going round
i began the day by going to look into the Archives here. I always love it when those who are good at that sort of thing...Link me to a certain post. i love it and appreciate it so much, and am always surprised by what i find there. Glad it's there. it's a happy thing. But otherwise, i have rarely gone into those archives. I just don't. And this morning when i went back to 2011 and began rolling through the months....
i didn't like it.
mostly, i looked at the pics. reading the words was too much. i didn't want to. Some of the pics gave me a Longing for the desert, for New Mexico, some, for that Place there in particular. I left so much behind. And not just things i realized. For the first time, i got a glimmer of how it is i leave Selves behind. Whole selves. Selves that take years to fall into place in that kaleidoscope way i always reference....this is a Big Thought. it's only partially thought. it will take some time. I ended up writing down the different selves that immediately came to mind and there were, of course, 5. i smiled. yes. those selves are uhhhhh, well....how i tried to explain it to mySelf was.....it's like a book. a novel. there are characters. distinct lives. Maybe it's kind of that thing of a while ago...parallel lives...but these are not parallel, but one after another.....what's the word for that? there's the Falling Water self the Fern Home Self, including Oregon, Arizona, the return to Michigan and New Mexico the dark years the Spirit Cloth self which would hold Magic Diaries this one, this Hill self which i am becoming
this is hard thinking. i wasn't expecting it.
what was "offered" right away was the fact that i have always put my Whole and Entire beingness into whichever self i am living. I AM that. totally. and when i move. from one into the next, the one i move From is Complete. I don't know how to explain that. "complete". but it is. And in very certain ways, certain things are over. completed. They are "archived" in that slide show of my mind. parts of them come to me when i need them or want them....need to learn from them. THE ALL of them is always there somehow, but i don't need more than the slide show.
the pics above. After all this, i set out to haul more of that manure/bedding straw to B Garden. spread it on the cardboard i put there. I have two more trips i think. then will pull logs on that sled to border this new 2021 bed. There is huge pleasure to this. After i finished, i just sat. that's all. just sat. and after a while, some bird spoke somewhere overhead. it took a while to figure out where....because i couldn't see any bird. But then....there it was. it was a hummingbird. i'd not known they spoke this way....
on the way back i stopped at Nogal's Forest and went IN. this, because yesterday when i needed to go inside in order to clean his water tub, he didn't shy away, but instead came up. and i spent time scratching his ears, touching him everywhere, slowly, quietly, no agenda. and he stayed. being touched. wanting it. this is new. he will come to the fence but has always run when someone comes inside. Which is not good for Evacuation. It takes forever to trap him...it takes all 4 of us and Alyssia ends up having to physically carry him to load.
it's more than she should do. There is no need for this. it's habit for him and the result of not consistent physical contact. Today, i sat on one of his downed tree trunks. Puppy arrived to join us. We were Together. I'd brought stale tortilla chips. i just stayed. a long time. he came and went. then came again. While i sat there i thought about all the above, about why anything is happening and the slide show clicked in. Letting go of the A Garden, the Wall Garden, that felt like a failure, but was, maybe?, in fact, a moment of release. Just like him. Stuff from habit. In this case, the doing of things because of wanting to constantly TRY. TRY to Accomplish. and letting that go, to Let. to Let what can happen, Wants to happen, Happen. To live in the Present. moment to moment. Feel it. Breathe. Notice. Be Glad for what is.
