windthread

for the sake of

for the sake of.     these words.      their meaning.     i don't know.    yet.    

So i changed.   8 and 9

this one.  this Spiral is trying to tell me something.   second guessing.    third guessing.   this hasn't happened before,  but  i am stuck in it....for the sake of...........?.................

again,  the color is all off most likely because it's taken with the table lamp because Night  has come   so soon.   The hard time of year for me,   when dark comes so so soon

i'll pull over the large  Earth cloth of all the others in the morning.   Put   it   among them and maybe be able to know more,  seeing it WITH the others?

rain tonight.  Puppy has come in.  Purring over an hour as i talked to Alyssia on phone,  purring and purring and purring.  it's cold out there.   Alyssia brought bedding straw.  just in time.   

 

 

i wasted a day addendum*

but maybe it is a good thing.   it underlines     what it is to feel good about a day at the end of them?     so i will let this remain the question till tomorrow when there will be a new one.     and this Spiral...eee....   when i realized how late it had gotten,  i 

hurried

trying to choose,  instead of letting the cloths choose   and here we have it.   9 too short and all.    9 and 10 are only pinned.  For looking.   and again,   eee.   Not.   but then again,  maybe yes.   to act as the example of how Not to be...making decisions that are not mine to make,  hurrying,   not honoring.     Ok.  Good enough.   Begin again tomorrow.

*i clicked publish.   went to see how it came through on the phone....it's very strange...colors are so Off.   so it underlines things even more.   Even more.     Don't repeat if you can help it, grace.   ok.

looking for the rhythm

3 days away...but it didn't take much.    Just deciding on the first strip and it all returned.   They WANT to happen.  Those are Deb Lacativa's  Moons at the top.   And the megamendung which i could never use because it is so "Jude".   For Alyssia,  i can let these  go.  How much i love this.   Waiting is the right thing to do.   

 

and about drawing...i thought all day,  remembering the drawing classes with Kay Gould Caskey,    in Ann Arbor, Michigan,  the 80's,    (she reads here)    i wish we could All have that....about Seeing, really,  about FeltSense.    and Kay is Brilliant and a Joy as a human being,

but alas     and then i remembered....     Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain    Betty Edwards.   Probably most of you know of this already,   but if not.....it will take you some of the way back to those classes.    my old worn copy is at Alyssia's i think?   Will see if  she can find it.   

the LeftOvers came today and it is Bliss.     LeftOvers from Saturday and also from Alyssia's friend Chelle's in San Diego.  I could not DREAM more.  Food is Love.

 

inadvertent gifts

Jude's post at Feel Free.   a photograph of a basket she'd forgotten on the fence,  nested in the Summer's growth.   I was filled with such a longing to draw it.   was transported back to me and my loved friend Dora spending days drawing dried,  paper thin iris...the joy of that and i wanted to draw these stems and vines and spent leaves in this photograph....

when i fed Goats this morning...at the gate,  a  mushroom that just yesterday had been an oval cone shape but in the passing of just hours transformed  to a  withering almost flower appearance...it all was so delicate...this transition so i thought...Draw this.

and how such devotion is required.   slow.  touch of the point of the pencil,  one into the next,  slow and breathe...touch again

have been asked a couple times...What will you do if you use up all the cloth?  

Draw.

compatible

so it was Thanksgiving today.  At Alyssia's.   There were 10 of us.  All ages.  All,  all,  each one of us,  totally different one to another  and  what i think of as i am back on the Hill in the dark.... how we are each of us,  different,  but how amazingly

compatible

we are.  Something truly to be thankful for.

 

 

Pie

i really like pie.   it's been probably maybe 7 years since i've made one.   Part of the reason is that the Mom's No Fail Piecrust makes crust for TWO pies.   Usually,  under ordinary circumstances you only want one.   Two pies are a lot...for ordinary circumstances.   But,  also,   it takes all afternoon.   And as i look at them here,  after all is said and done,  after all afternoon,    i thought.....

so what?

an afternoon.  maybe once a month.   Why not?   and then i started wondering if i could make pies with vegetables in them.  Not dessert.   I love pie crust and stuff IN it.   ?????    

 

not sure how this pic ended up here,  but it's ok.   It's the Cherry.   that looks pale in the above pic.   it is paler than the Apple but not really pale at all.    Am interested in how each tastes.   the Apple left to bake longer.     

Jenny is sleeping over at Alyssia's tonight so they can begin at the crack of dawn.   it's a 25lb Turkey that Jenny's man is given at work each year.   i am taking Laundry.   Will do.  inbetween whatEver else.   Alyssia called on the last leg of the trip back from San Diego.   We talked to keep her focused.   minutia.   stories from her friend Chelle"s.   Their food,  Blend of Filipeno/American     What it was like for Emrie.  For Julian,  Julian who knows Chelle and her husband Chris from  babyhood.  They are family too.   Chelle"s mother,  Momsie,  couldn't come.  Covid.    

it's a different year this year.

a gentle day

it will be the center Spiral in Alyssia's Quilt.   She loves night.   the  1,  which is larger than 2 1/2 inches,  but i didn't want to cut it.  It's all there is of it.   so 2 had to become smaller but it works....Night.  and she loves purple.   And then....surrounding her Night with Gentle Day that Cynthia wishes Us All...   to surround her night which she can't have much of anymore with her commitment to Mothering...but SomeDay....Night will become hers again    So,  this Spiral,   a promise that Night will become hers again

 

went down to the storage bins at B Garden to get the other pie plate...which turns out to be only in my imagination...no other pie plate there in the bin of Belov~ed pyrex.   a shallow casserole dish will have to work  but/and i got lost in the bins,  looking,  so much stuff there,  so much love   and i found Old Cowboy's mother's  ummm big Fork which i will take Saturday to hold the turkey as it's sliced.         and then the recipe for the pie crust...my mother's No Fail Pie Crust.   I have it written in my address book,  under P.   But i wanted the index card.   So the recipe box.  Where i got lost again.   And Jenny called and i took her in my lost wandering.   She's making pumpkin pie.   i asked....what crust?  and she said with a DUH inflection...Gramma's No Fail,  of course!  and i won't put the recipe here,  it's embarassing and even shameful.   But when you are making THE pie...it has to be this Gramma's No Fail.   I have tried a million pie crusts  in effort to break away,  but.....return and return.  it's just How It Is.   

it was a Gentle day.   I hope for All,  it was,   too.  I wish for the World.  Gentle day.  i wish,  oh, Please...just Gentle day

journal page

a pine cone bud that Emrie brought to me.  interrupted probably by Wind?

 

finding what might be 10  and  11    .    took a long time  and finally,  10    a piece of the SUN,  which there is not much of.  The SUN cloth that is the SUN of LIFE of deep summer that grows all that want growing.    

and i remembered.

when i worked on the Psych Unit at University Hospital...     If it was quiet on the ward,  sometimes we could do what we wanted to do.   There was a young one,  i think probably 19,  he had to be 18 to be on the Adult Admitting Unit,    and he had already come to us a couple times.    Would be admitted for suicidal ideation.   I liked him.  a lot.   He wasn't on my "team" but sometimes when it was quiet,  i could and would take him for a 1:1 to the gym.   We were quiet on the way but when i keyed the door and turned on the lights...a full gym space....it all changed.   I sat on a stack of mats and he set to it.    He  s wirled,  spun,  flew all over,  singing,  words but also a sound track,  Show tunes some,  some,  like the Supremes...Baby Love   non stop and nothing less than estatically,   joyfully,   Full Full on until the hour was up and we'd turn off the lights and leave.   His father was a professor and head of some department.   

i looked at this Spiral...it's energy .... and then spent the rest of the day looking at the faces of those who had died at Club Q.  Stopping.  Breathing.   eyes closed,   feeling Them.   I thought about what i have learned about one,   whose long time friend from high school came to watch him perform,  on his birthday...bringing her boyfriend and parents....to CELEBRATE him

maybe all this is uhhhh,   well,   maybe all this is

not possible.

but i thought,  and thought isn't the right word,   i ,    felt/sensed.....What if.   What if  at that SUDDEN moment,   that milisecond  of the strike of a bullet that severed him from this way of Being...that instant....What if he was in that kind of ecstatic joyfull consciousness of being his truest and most real real self......feeling FREE to BE in a loving space unlike any other he had experienced....Could that instant,   before the slide into seperation be like this cloth?   A blinding Flash of ALL?    Could it?   

so much about

death.

we can't know.

but maybe.   and if yes or if no,  i will wish this for Them.   a single blinding flash,  like the burst of a shooting star

this too.

something going on here.  i hesitated.   will Wait.  over night,  waking in the Morning....want to see it just this way before continuing with  10  and  11.    Something going on.      And i read Judy Martin's post   Judy's Journal   the work of  Anong Beam and toward the end...pigment.   Deb G's work   Bee Creative   with 

pigment

and it connects   like almost everything DOES it seems in these days now...like the mycelium.   it is accelerating,  the connecting.  and   i have been  ReMembering memories that also are like mycelium and i think i've had enough of them,  they have proven their point....point being

This too

everywhere you turn.....This too.  The connections are pulsing in soft neon.   get TShirts made with    This TOO.

 

almost as if it didn't exist

an odd day.   like it had no name.  almost didn't exist.  like it floated,  hovered,  but didn't attach....????

first thing,  waking,   i looked over at all those Spirals in front of me and they were hovering...for a few moments i was at a loss as to how this could possibly by...they were attached to nothing...not sewn onto anything....just there    as if by Magic

and then i thought o....they are sewn to eachother.   O.   but in a second,  that too seemed surreal.  Sewn to Each Other?  and

hovering?

the night before last i had the most BEST dream ihave Ever Had in my whole life.   it was so extraordinary.  and then last night it was the paradox.  Maybe that?    There's only some days left of this 77th year.    Things are all  all trying to take form so i can go.

When Alyssia came to bring ice and batteries,  all three kids came.   Not usual.   Jax doesn't often want to come.  He has issues with having to wear a mask.   Brinley sometimes comes.   But usually it's for Alyssia and Emrie Time.   I wore the mask in the pic and said i thought of it as having a leaf on my face.    I don't like wearing them either.  When it's just Emrie  and A,  i don't...tho they do.   As Emrie said today to Jax....i don't notice anymore.   and she doesn't.   for her and Alyssia,  it's kinda like wearing a hat.   or sunglasses.   or something.   no biggie.  I had cut apple slices for them to feed the Goats

there is talk of Thanksgiving on Saturday,  Jenny's day off,  IF she is off.   At her work  at the hospital they are totally short staffed and the staff they have is falling to Covid.   Still....i gave my grocery list to Alyssia.   She does the big shop for me with my old lady California "food stamp" money that is automatic when your social security $ is below a certain level.      I am the Pie person.  3 of them.  Pumpkin Cherry and Apple.     and the Green Bean Casserole.  Turkey is Alyssia.  I will be gravy.  

memories continue to kinda flood in.  triggered.    When i lived in Oregon,   Horton,   Oregon     on a mountain there....my refrigeration was a tiny stream flowing in a rock crevice.  ice cold at all times.   I lived there in the Airstream i bought there. Horton was a little general store and post office.    That's it.   When i drove down to that store and post office i drove into a fog,  a mist  where everything disappeared for long moments but reappeared.   like Magic.  i am noticing how that word...Magic...is coming up lately,  hasn't for a long time.  but Magic again.  hmmmm.