a pine cone bud that Emrie brought to me. interrupted probably by Wind?
finding what might be 10 and 11 . took a long time and finally, 10 a piece of the SUN, which there is not much of. The SUN cloth that is the SUN of LIFE of deep summer that grows all that want growing.
and i remembered.
when i worked on the Psych Unit at University Hospital... If it was quiet on the ward, sometimes we could do what we wanted to do. There was a young one, i think probably 19, he had to be 18 to be on the Adult Admitting Unit, and he had already come to us a couple times. Would be admitted for suicidal ideation. I liked him. a lot. He wasn't on my "team" but sometimes when it was quiet, i could and would take him for a 1:1 to the gym. We were quiet on the way but when i keyed the door and turned on the lights...a full gym space....it all changed. I sat on a stack of mats and he set to it. He s wirled, spun, flew all over, singing, words but also a sound track, Show tunes some, some, like the Supremes...Baby Love non stop and nothing less than estatically, joyfully, Full Full on until the hour was up and we'd turn off the lights and leave. His father was a professor and head of some department.
i looked at this Spiral...it's energy .... and then spent the rest of the day looking at the faces of those who had died at Club Q. Stopping. Breathing. eyes closed, feeling Them. I thought about what i have learned about one, whose long time friend from high school came to watch him perform, on his birthday...bringing her boyfriend and parents....to CELEBRATE him
maybe all this is uhhhh, well, maybe all this is
not possible.
but i thought, and thought isn't the right word, i , felt/sensed.....What if. What if at that SUDDEN moment, that milisecond of the strike of a bullet that severed him from this way of Being...that instant....What if he was in that kind of ecstatic joyfull consciousness of being his truest and most real real self......feeling FREE to BE in a loving space unlike any other he had experienced....Could that instant, before the slide into seperation be like this cloth? A blinding Flash of ALL? Could it?
so much about
death.
we can't know.
but maybe. and if yes or if no, i will wish this for Them. a single blinding flash, like the burst of a shooting star
