windthread

just like last night, it's happening again

turkey tail

the sensitivity....no matter how careful i am,   the page disappears.   so.   we'll see.   please know tho,  that if i am squashed by a falling tree or swept away by Wind,   Alyssia would come at some point and tell you that.   Do not be alarmed.  All is always well,  in its own way.

i want to pause here.   there was so much to say yesterday and yesterday seems long ago.   I'm not good at yesterday...why i post everyday.   But yesterday was important.   i want to learn something from it.    I'd gone to Dee's.   to be Angry.  and this,  unknown to her,   was perfectly responded to by her post the next morning of the 9th...Pattern and Outrage wordpress.  Her last sentence giving me a perfect response,  even tho at that time she'd not known i had come.  she said

Staying Power

 

it's how it happens sometimes.   often enough.    and i can just say it this way.   "the Universe".,  the Universe,   the Godthing,  Spirit,  shows Its Self in unmistakable ways.   Go back,  way back to what i loved that Elizabeth Gilbert said in the On Being podcast....paraphrasing:  that the Universe wants to communicate with us in a way that we can receive it, recognize it.   I have "believed" so many things over my years,  Un believed them,  believed them again  and on and on and now and again stuff  just happens that is unmistakable .   I love these words.   Staying Power.   what IS staying power?   how does it work?   

so that's it for tonight.  i'm afraid this will all disappear.  and i know by tomorrow,  too much time will have passed and i won't go back.   and something Big to me would be lost.

 

  

 

 

typepad issues. will try again later

Anger? worse. a deep deep grief.

 

it is just a mystery why this spiral,  this Cloth is so perfectly what i need.   i could never have planned such a perfection.   It was mindfull but still,  of its own accord...the slow finding of the pieces that came to be what it is.   It's still here,  taking up most of the Everything Table.   i wake to it,  go to sleep to it.   Spend the days with it.   All day,  i look and am cared for by it,  like a homeopathic.   a remedy.   

i went to sleep early last night,  well,  earlier than midnight.  10:30...because i couldn't bear it any more.  The WIND.   the WIND.  i remembered when i was giving in to moving here from New Mex and i said to Jenny...the Wind,  i'll miss the Wind and she said yes.   We don't have much here.  that was before things changed.   When they were looking at the real estate listing  for this Hill...she also related in one of the conversations that the part where insurance was discussed...there was nothing remarkable about any ....ummmm   i don't know the terms anymore,   but....no flood insurance,  no other insurance for "natural" events...at that time even fire threat.   just plain old property insurance.  we were feeling good with that   Assurance.   In five years....IN FIVE YEARS....how much has changed.  How could that be true?,  but it is.   The three of us keep asking eachother now and then...is this really true?,  and it is.   

when i woke up this morning it was all still out there and it was NOT raining and i just layed there  feeling my eyes open and no wind and no rain  and i         wanted to be angry.    I wanted to say Metta,  yes,  but i wanted to be angry.   Why are we left with Metta?   Why have we watched as our government is dragged through all the bull shit it is,  dragging its self through it,  spending zillions of dollars on elections of people who are less concerned with the Well Being of the Planet than i am...  i wanted to be ANGRY.    i wanted to tighten myself,   squinch my eyes,  bare my teeth,   threaten....STOP IT!!!!!   Feed people,  feed Children,  build homes and spigots  that give water to drink that is pure and clean.   HELP US,   STOP.  STOP.   the craziness of this  capitalistic Shit!!!!       and i thought...i want to hang out with Dee.  Pattern and Outrage wordpress.    like at her house.   I want to get on a plane and  take a uber and get to her door and knock loudly,  calling.....DEEEEE   and she'd let me in and i'd start up with my angry grief and she could take it,   the raising of my voice,   the bottled up feelings that want to take the form of Anger,  but really....are worse than anger.  Are a deep deep grief.   She wouldn't get hurt.   I wouldn't hurt her with this.  eeeeeeeeeee.

30 some years now i have lived on the edge of normal.   I walked away from Normal.   Normal wasn't working for me.  I left it.  I have lived differently.  Marti knows some of this,  she was where i lived the most normally of not so normal.   and normal is defined by 
the usual.    Nice.   i left nice.    What do i mean?   

 

it's dark now.  the batteries are running low.    i depend on batteries.    it is

choice.

it is not normal.    tonight sometime,  the Wind is forecasted to return.  it's still in the moment.   the faucet drips.   i look above and see that i wrote....    why have we watched as our government is dragged  ......'

passive.  saying Metta.   watching.     saving the zip locks and grocery bags for multiple use.   doing our part as best we can.  Caring,  but 

just watching.    passive.  

 

 

 

 

Climate change. no more, no less. Real.

went  to Nogal's Forest to see if i could soak in the feeling of him.   Talkie went with me.   There were MANY mushrooms and fungus...pics in the next days

 

 

and this!   would have been from 2 years ago....last year she only laid those tiny ones.   Must have been from a time she was disturbed off her established nest in the hay feed....needing to be Just Going...so....there,  at the base of a tree.

and today it continues,  but intermittant.   that

RAIN

and tonight WIIIIIIIND.   This year,  to Atmospheric River,  we add .....Bomb Cyclone.    

Received a loving email,  which i so deeply appreciate,  asking....if i am considering beginning the process of letting go...this Goat Keeping i do.   and i think.   Yes. this is hard.   But it's the love.  not the actuality of it.   i want to be clear...the doing of caring for them...might be compared to taking a good brisk walk in your neighborhood.   recommended exercise.   In ordinary times.   In these Un Ordinary days,  these days of Climate Changes,   it becomes something different entirely and what that triggers is fear.  Fear that i cannot do what they need me to do.   and that would be for anyone.   It would be same for Alyssia or Jenny.     

so it's the fear that is my work.   the reality that i won't be able to control everything.  that things might happen.  it is the same thing that any animal herding peoples will be feeling anywhere around the planet.    a dog or a cat.  you can bring them in.  a Herd,   not.   and it is not meant to be.    We have been unbelievably lucky.   Our Goats are strong.  Strong bodied,  stron willed.  a Strong herd.   The vet commented on this.   But we will only be able to do what we can.  Everything we can.  and then....surrender to Life Its Self.      This kind of back to back Storm might repeat.   or not.   There is no knowing if it will beome a pattern.   so...just to learn what we can.   On the next good enough day,  Alyssia and i will bring Nogal's calf hutch over to Jack Flash.  Position it at an angle,  Wind,   and close enough to the fence so i will be able to toss a  chunk  of Feed to it's doorway.  He loves his Tarp Tent.  He may choose to ignore the hutch.   We'll see.   but it's what we can do.  

 

 

so?

so it did not go well,   last late night....  i kept thinking i might be hearing Jack Flash.   It was raining.   i would open the door...listen...hear nothing but then later,  think i heard something again.   He somehow seems so far away now.   

But i also knew that even if i did....there was really nothing i could do.    

so today and still tonight i think about this.   Really,  the RAIN is just what it is.    If it weren't for caring for the Goats,  i would just hunker down and do my best to ignore the reality of it.   But the Goats.   

how it is

need  to find another way to do these days...if i can.   Tomorrow there will be somewhat of a reprieve... only 34% chance of rain.  What that means usually is that there will be intermittant rain through the  day.   Which i will be so grateful for.  But then  forecast is to roll right back into daily rain.  Weeks still.   so..ok.   it will be what it will be.   and i keep reminding self that it's probably going to change come  February.  so...not forever,   right?     It's never been this way before.    Maybe i can try drawing what it feels like.  

 

two ways of Seeing. the Real Imagining the Real

:

,

as if there are two eyes.    About yesterday.....  Faith ,  Airy Cat   Airy Nothing said

"and Gaia wept softly,  for those left behind,  as she embraced one of her own to their goodbyes"    

this.   2 ways of seeing.   Both.   Complimenting each other.    Needed.

 

 

Real and imagining Real

 

i loaded these two pics early in the morning.   those words of the "title" being their story at the time.  

But then....i went out to Feed.   All ordinary until i got down to Nogal.    He was not out.   as i walked,  i called for him.  As i walked there came a plaintive response....plaintiive...something wrong....    He was no where in sight  and his "house"  his calf hutch house....Maybe ?,  in it's back?    i unlatched his gate,  went in and there he was.    lying flat....unable to get up.  Trying and unable to get up.  He made sounds to me and i caressed his face and he made sounds and he couldn't get up.   I stayed a while and then went to call Alyssia.  We need help.   She came and we agreed to call the mobile Vet,  Sarah Lynn who has come before,  who came for Sunny Ray.   At first she didn't answer but then did.  Was a half hour away on another call.  Would come and she did.   Tetnus.  Clostridium tetni.   a bacterium that lives in the soil.   The onset is sudden,  the progression can be fast which it was.   Just on New Year's Day,  that day of SUN,  all was well.   and then yesterday,  the  Hard Day of Rain and i don't know because he didn't come out but i thought it was rain and sailed him a block of feed to this doorway.    By the time she got here,  a half hour,  he had already become blind.   His rear was stiffened,  his head arching back in what she said is called Star Gazing.

she is soft spoken but sure.   She said she could try to keep him alive.   there was a slim chance.  But he would remain blind and there would be residual disability.   We all were quiet a while .  while i held his head.  Talked to him.    She shaved  a place on his neck and put him down.   

Alyssia began digging the grave.   a ways away from where he was but where it seemed the most likely to be able to dig.  Many places here are not.  the granite is close up.   She dug.  there was a soft rain.   She left to pick up Emrie from school and returned.  She dug more,  Emrie wanted to help and did.   They dug.   Emrie sang.   many songs, quietly,  just songs...like the alfabet song and then songs from Frozen that she knows.   and we talked off and on of other things and we talked off and on about him.  Why were his eyes still open if he was dead?   She talked about how he had come to trust us,  and then to love us.  outright....wanting us,   wanting us to be with him,  wanting us to touch and then more,  to rub and  scratch and laugh with him.   We talked about how he had come to be ok being loved and how that felt to us,  to be Wanted to give love,  how we were loved by him.   and how that took a long time of bringing 3 tortilla chips every time so he'd know.  We talked a little about how it was so obvious that Who He Was was no longer there....that it was a body.  But Who He Was was no longer there.  She could see that.

i brought down one of the sheets that Lacelady had sent and we made a sling of it,  got him in and i held his head end,  Alyssia the most of his body with Emrie at the side   and we got him over and through the small opening in his feeding pen,  down to where his grave was,  not far from TenZen's  and lowered him in.   His legs were still stiffly out and Alyssia knelt and bent them. 

and he was then,  softly there.  Rain picked up and we covered him.   

Nogal.  walnut in Spanish.  He looked like a little walnut when he was born.   He was the offsring of Alyssia's most loved Goat Buckwheat who was the buck of all bucks,   BeautyFull and perfectly symetrically marked and also crazy buck.   I bred him in order to keep one of his kids for her.  Could not keep him.   He needed to be of use for what bucks are best at and i wasn't at that place.  That was back in New Mex.   Nogal was not like his sire.  He was soft and gentle with does....it took him forever to woo them,  to feel ok about mounting them.  He was not the most popular.   He was him.  He was shy and till the end,  it was only Emrie and I he loved.

 

things we love

 

yesterday,   when there was SUN,  after feeding Jack Flash,  i walked on down to B Garden.  I wanted to look for something in the tubs.   These are things i brought back.   i didn't find what i was looking for.   This string bag,  i've had since i was in my 20's.  I've never used it for anything.   Just HAD it.   I loved it.  Was afraid of wearing it out.  Damaging it somehow.   i saw it yesterday and thought it would be the prefect PICNIC bag for me and Emrie.   it has no weight of its self and so could carry an apple,  string cheese,  maybe a donut.   easily.   it could go over Her shoulder.   and as i look at it,  the pattern is one of Goat Eyes.  Perfect.

i also see that the wall cloth is 

dirty

it had fallen off and i just put it back....but ...eeeee......

and then the other things...not sure how they drew attention,  but they did.   so they are here too.   A large part of this day was spent thinking about them...where they came from,  how they FEEL,  seeing them here on this table.

RAIN AGAIN

informed by v.s. of

here it's just pinned.   Has since been stitched in place.   10 and 11.    This one will take the Center position on the blanket i make for my self.   It created its self.   chose.   its self.    in order to show     me.   

i spent time wondering about  "new Year".    maybe it doesn't need to continue to have meaning...?....what exactly is the use of its meaning?    does it serve good purpose?,  any purpose?   and on.    There weren't any  answers but it ended up staying.  It's how we organize days and years.   ok.  but this time it was/is different.   Things i've done for so long,  that i took such pleasure in,  just didn't happen.   no fanfare,  just didn't happen.    the crab legs...a once a year extravagance.   i made potatoe carrot soup.    The ritual with the Butterfly Calendar....going through the passing year,  month by month,   bring forward what might be helpful or interesting  as notes on the New Year's.    I sat with January,  2022.   January 23  has one entry on the third.   the rest is blank.  Waiting.  But the Butterfly Calendar is strong.

after a week of,   to be honest,   Miserable Rain  sog and mud,   miserable because Goats still expect, need,  routine.... today was Brilliantly and Elegantly SUN ny.   the day Glowed with green,  with reflected drops of rain,  muchrooms i've not seen before,  and ....and....the tree frogs....my "spring peepers" of the mid west...began their Song.    tomorrow and forecast through the next 2 weeks...more Rain.   the aquifers will fill.  the aquifers will fill.   this could be a song.   but it does not erase the misery.   That will come with February....i smile....a new month marked by calendar.    

i am different.  becoming different~er.   i have no idea,  zero,   exactly what that means.    I'll have to wait and find out as it happens.   is a good feeling.   it all connects with that post of i think 12~16,   about the 77.   that sense of becoming Free.  i look forward to seeing how things

go

Much love to All here,   and every where.   But to all Here.  Much.